cazwrites

[cazwrites]

Sometimes I only need to sit with these distubing feelings until 6 pm. I find as the sun goes down the world transforms and the heaviness lifts. At that time often miraculously my fear and apprehension dissolves by doing nothing at all. Tonight it is a bit different. Daylight saving started today. The clock is screwed up.

cazwrites

[cazwrites]

October 1st 2017

My mind came rampaging through the gentle morning wakening and opened a door to assorted fears and panic. Loss of you was achingly present and that loss joined with a racing  heartbeat that blossomed into a  sickening primordial fear.  A lump in my throat made from congealed terrors, stopped me singing and, in meditation, each undone thing, each misguided footprint, each unwise decision danced before my eyes. The subtle in and out of each breath was hijacked by another obstacle so large and formidable that I trembled. 

I wandered through ‘The Hermitage’ garden. It offered none of its usual consolation. The leaves on the bodhi tree I recenly transplanted had died and fallen off and the weeds and vines were taking over the more sedate plants. ‘Wild’ I would say it was, but not in a nice way. Wildly out of control. No comfort there today. No sunlight either, and the concrete grey day rolled on and on.

Well, it is the first day of October, my mother’s birthday,  it is 6 months since your death S.J. I have surfaced after a week of viral attack, a previous month of constant pain and weakness. No appetite, poor sleep, coughing my lungs up, not leaving the house, too weak to lift a thing and living with the knowledge there is only me to care for myself. 

Although football is something I care little about,  Stephen, it was your team than won the footy grand final yesterday. A friend wrote about you on facebook today and mentioned how much you would have loved your underdog team winning after 37 years of loss.  If I had known it was your team I would have barracked harder for them - On your behalf. Perhaps you came down to earth to watch the game and that’s what I sense - your closeness, your absence. 

Such great melancholy is a stranger to me of late. Thats why it is so difficult to tolerate today. I know it will pass. All things pass. Others taste this often. How I feel for them. 

Time to practice what I preach. Something inside needs a lot of love. Some days are diamonds - some days are rust. I am just sitting with this and avoiding pushing these feelings away or getting caught up in avoidance and busyness despite them being nearly intolerable 

[cazwrites]

Many people saw your flaws. Many could not see past your addiction and misdeeds. When I looked at you I saw your purity of heart, your infinite wisdom and an inner magical light of kindness.

abiding-in-peace - For my departed friend and teacher

[cazwrites]

Just sitting

When sitting in meditation

If you become the observer

and do not engage with concepts

gradually all  thoughts

will sink to the bottom

of the mind

allowing a great stillness

to sweep away

everything,

everything

[cazwrites]

Once all I felt was imperfection

too thin too fat

too stiff, too clumsy

a face unnoticed

to be hidden

until the wind blew

into the darkest places 

sending my own cruel judge

out into world

of light and love

and there was nothing left

that could not be

celebrated and adored

within and without

no boundaries

limitless.

[cazwrites]

If you lived in your heart you would be home right now.

Stephen Cuthbertson (via cazwrites)

[cazwrites]

Your last words to me the day before you died were - 'You must meditate'. Why has it taken me so long to hear you?

abiding-in-peace

[cazwrites]

I did not have to search the world to find a Guru. By chance my Guru found me. But of course, I do not believe in 'chance'

abiding-in-peace

[cazwrites]

A sign of wonder - the glowing daffodil - the inner light of our presence. 

[cazwrites]

I recognised you as my Guru You found me in this wicked world. You found me on this worldly place -  in this lifetime - reunited once again. We may not meet again To celebrate or grieve? From your parting words  I do believe You have achieved liberation Gone, gone beyond How can I be sad if this is so?

[cazwrites]

Dear One - A Visitation

I had a dream of you last night

Surprising - as I seldom dream

You came looking for me 

I was in hospital - guarded by nurses - not lying sick near to death but there anyway

I felt your presence and the joy of seeing you 

Just like it always was when you turned up

You came wearing those dull greens and burgundys 

So typical 

And typically as usual - you were impeccable in your manners

Not wanting to venture into my room as a lone male

Asking where we could meet and talk 

So very ‘you’ in your mindful way

So ‘me’ to feel enlivened and joyous

My heart, my chest, my breath, overwhelmed 

to have you back again

but as if that was enough

happiness 

This mind of mine said ‘Hey!’ 

‘This cant be’

You are dead

its all in your head’

And its true - you are

Always 

In my head 

and in my heart

and I hold you dear

Dear One.

[cazwrites]

Stephens unedited words…from snippets of messages. i want never to return i cant b silly this is a prison to me…if the sitting stops, feel the beginning and the end of things, enter the stream its the start.to enter drop everything So, devoid of answers I offer an apology for being an absent friend.Bon-Voyage have a time full of wonders.Love Stephen. I am a very simple person who has tried to be complicated so others would understand me,thats how the world rolls I cant and dont want to do that anymore.You are my sister we shall always see each other postcard from the darkness, still along way from home,in the idiom of the I Ching  -no blame on your behalf -just Stephen lost. Love S My neglect of self bleeds into those that care for me,my ignorance, not any failing or shortcoming on your behalf has caused my behaviour and that in turn has caused you pain.I am sorry for this.Shame for my neglect of you abounds,barbed wire and biding twine will never hold truth. just tired sick of pain,find a place free of pain and send me the adress I have worked all my life at externals worked for distraction these days I let the demons come they get bored and leave they like a fight and I am bored with fighting I have worked all my life at externals worked for distraction these days I let the demons come they get bored and leave they like a fight and I am bored with fightingthank you for holding me so dear it means something to be missed and to hear that is a warming feeling Stephen Cuthbertson

[cazwrites]

THE 10,000 JOYS AND THE 10,000 SORROWS Embrace all of this, the joys and the sorrows of the 10,000 things, with enthusiasm. Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and pain, fame and disrepute, for these are the ingredients of our one small life Around and around time and again weaving an endless circle of existence.

caz hamilton - abiding-in-peace

[cazwrites]

twice today I thought I saw you in the distance a touch of blue and an upright stance I had to look again then let my mind kick in You are gone You are gone

abiding-in-peace

[cazwrites]

Out of Deafness

Speak louder

I can’t hear you

Can’t hear the sweet or the bitter

Nor can I hear the praise or the blame

I have no way to understand you

in this silent world

please offer me your hand

and lead me out

of this small hell

by Caz Hamilton

[cazwrites]

It Will Cost You a Song

Dance on,

The music’s on loop,

The smell crawls in

reminding us

that the dead can’t dance

at play in the fields of the lord.

Ladders made of skeletons

lean against the wall.

The mad ones want out

the sane remain the same.

Dance on,

Remember the wonders

you won’t see them again,

Can you buy another day?

Don’t you just want to fly

above the lies?

and see what could have been.

Ah, but now the choice is clear.

We dance to the beat of distraction.

Your heart like some far off snare,

Snaps you awake

and shouts you your fear.

The thing is,

It’s so fucking clear.

so fucking near.

The cost is everything.

You can’t buy this with bling.

It will cost you a song.

Your mouth is sewn shut

and you just can’t sing.

By Stephen Cuthbertson

Aug 10th, 2013

[cazwrites]

Just leave it all alone, stop making sense thats the nature of all teachings then you realize that you are eternity   always have been, always will be We get lost just so we can find our way home.

Stephen Cuthbertson