cedibe

[cedibe]

am i supposed to feel more valued because i am wanted? i am not a commodity with supply and demand margins.

I yearn to be wanted and to be known. why does my self value only exist in the warm light of someone else's vison

[cedibe]

manic pixie me?

Each man I have dated or spent time with has made me self-aware in a different way.

After highschool, I had my heart broken by a boy I never got the chance to get bored of. I became so self aware of my own dread regarding the situation that seemed to be closing in around me. Although I was 18 and naive, my life had seemingly become uninteresting- razed by the fact that this boy, along with others in my life, had chosen to abandon me. Because that was what made my life shiny, right? Hindsight tells me that this boy was completely boring and unimportant, but it had been one of the first true breakdowns to start a cycle in which i required re-invention, or renovation of my own life- an repetitive cycle of self improvement.

I had been on birth control for about a year and a half, and in doing so, became completely emotionally numb. It began with poor libido, poor emotional response, lack of motivation. I devolved into a person who couldn't even feel the happiness of hanging out with her friends- who would go out, drink, smile, chat- all to come home and feel detached from the situation, like I was floating just outside of my body. I went off the pill.

Going off the pill felt like buying a new top, in the way that I got to go out and try all these newfound emotions for the first time.

I almost immediately got into a relationship with one of my best friends. This man has since put up with a lot.

Being in my body and brain, fresh off birth control, could have been likened to riding a bike after a long time. I obviously did not have the tools to regulate my thoughts and translate them to sensible actions.

Throughout almost all of my relationship, I struggled to decide whether I actually wanted to be in it. I had wavering moments of being horny and a week later, being repulsed at the thought of being touched. I was clingy and dependent, and upon realising so, completely withdrawn. One night during this time, I got quite drunk and had a breakdown about the fact that so much time would have to pass before my brain chemistry would settle to a point where I was bearable to be in a relationship with. I realised that until this unmarked moment, I was essentially a liability to those closest to me- that the time I needed to take to figure things out was simply unfit for the situation I had already gotten myself into.

He was going to leave the country for a couple of months to study. The whole relationship I told myself that it didn't matter if it wasn't right, or if I wasn't right, because we would be breaking up when he left regardless. In the two weeks before he left I lived at his house, where we both held each other and sobbed every night. I think that was the closest I have ever gotten to grieving.

3 months in, I called it off. It felt like I had let go of a breath, or taken my bra off after a long day. I realised how much I had to relearn to enjoy being alone. I spent my summer galavanting and understanding what I wanted and didn't want in a man.

I spent time with a boy who courted me 15m under the water. He is sweet, but simple. He lived this clean, beautiful, unrestricted lifestyle and he never worried about being cringe, or being perceived or anything other than his job, his fun and his family. He did not warn me of this, but he introduced me to his entire family on the first date we went on. He did not warn me that we were going out to a nice restaurant or that I would need a change of clothes. He explained to me that he wanted a white picket fence house on the beaches, and four children. He told me he'd be the first man in a long time to make me cum. I very quickly understood that this was a little far from my reach- maybe by chance, maybe by choice. The way I interpreted it was that I was not worthy- or did not fit in -because this man did not know the strains of waking up with a hot gripping anxiety in his chest first thing in the morning for no reason. He did not know the feeling of dissociating out of his body on a tuesday afternoon because he forgot to stay medicated. He would struggle to understand the unwillingness of a girl he liked to birth four of his little blonde offspring, because that's exactly what his mother did.

My second boy came back home. After the 'beaches' incident we quickly got back together, seemingly in a more adult, stable context. I thought I had become more solid about my intentions and the things I wanted from him. I was tired of trying to find my comfort in other people, why would I when I had my best friend right in front of me? The familiar hands that had held me all those times before this. Someone who really, truly knew me inside and out. The night we got together, we had sex and I cried. I was drunk and I cried hard and I cried into his shoulder and I told him I loved him. And it was really good for about 6 months.

He started to drag his feet on things that would be fun. He started becoming docile and comfortable in his routines, which consisted of nothing fun or exciting. When he came home, I had decided in my head that he had done all of this exciting growing while he was away. I will not deny him his growth, but I will deny that whatever growth he did had an impact on the issues that existed before he had left. Trips, festivals, concerts, date nights, became something to be convinced of. I gained weight, I became lethargic in my own habits. I needed to pull myself back into frame and it felt so hard to do it when I had him hanging onto me. It wasn't his fault. I became uninterested and I couldn't put up with the thought that if I stayed, it would just be the best that I would get, not the person I was meant to end up with.

We're done. It's been about a month and a half.

Now, I do what I do best- what I've done before. I shoot messages back and forth to underwater man. I have realised quickly, that his willingness is subject to convenience. This is not on purpose- I believe that sometimes I think more about him than he thinks about anything at all.

He offers to take me skiing. He offers to join my holidays. He says yes to just about anything. He's fun and he's simple and he doesn't require the emotional toll of considering the future.

This has made me aware of my position in his life, as well as his position in mine. Would I be willing to be with a partner who would allow me to never work, take holidays, live by the beach, be loved and cared for- all at the expense of a floppy vagina and a lack of intellectual equality? Would I be willing to bend my politics and my morals and become a skinny, vapid beaches woman who smiles and laughs and moans and births when she should? For a life of comfort?

The thought actually makes me feel quite sick and I think the awareness that I ultimately wouldn't be able to makes me so, so upset. I have been feeling unsure, unsteady and a little broken. Almost unworthy.

I still carry my weight. I am ever conscious of my form and the space I fill. I feel like I can't take the same leeway I may have one year ago. when I was 10kg lighter. I feel anxious a lot of the time and the head-noise that often consumes my subconscious makes it incredibly hard not to doubt myself. This doesn't feel as fun as it used to and this time, I have to wait and wait and wait to figure out what will ultimately be my destiny.

I am so disappointed in the fact that I can measure out shifts in my conscious thought through periods being spent with men. fucking men men men men men men men all the fucking time.

Are they manic pixie dream girls? Did I somehow grow a cock and balls and lose the ability to grow and understand myself without someone to guide me through this?

or did the enlightenment from these situations shine through because of my own growth and actions. Did I manic pixie dream girl myself?

My chest feels heavy. I hope this passes quickly.

[cedibe]

women are built in with so much pain. this almost feels like it was intentionally inherited, like we were made to know better. it feels like the only way to get to a more ‘mature’ place was to go through all of this pain. 

i wax and i pluck. i stay up for hours trying to make myself perfect. i hold a seemingly never-ending anxiety to whether i’ve been ‘too much’ for people. i care for those who do not do the same for me and i do it so deeply. even after they’re long gone. and when they’re gone, i mourn them, feeling like i’ll never fine better when often i already have better. i will never be enough for myself.

i often struggle to see myself as loveable, due to this lack of self diagnosed perfection. I swing between the conscious realisation that i do like myself, very much. this little person i have created, but i my ego struggles to connect. i like myself, but i do not love myself. it hurts to see my own struggle and my body had become so exhausted. my day to day has become a chore. 

a blessing in disguise, our empathy, our tolerance, our self maintenance. it tires me out. i miss the ignorance and excitement of my youth. i miss feeling pretty and powerful. i miss doing productive things without thought, not noticing their tedious nature because i was simply enjoying myself. i miss worrying about silly little things.

i hold so much sorrow and i don’t know how i’ve become this way. all of that giving has caught up to me. i hope this will one day become a love letter. 

[cedibe]

[cedibe]

i fucking hate you for conditioning me to be so used to codependency at such a young age. I hate that i feel like i need to have someone with me all the time- my person. I hate that I feel whole without a relationship but not without another person. I feel so fucking alone and this is your fault and i hope every day that you feel the same

[cedibe]

i will learn how to be myself. be an adult. function independently without a man. i thank the universe that i didn’t grow up in a relationship no matter how much i wanted that to be the case

[cedibe]

sometimes I worry that the times I have done psychedelics have emotionally stunted me or ruined my brain. I look at the emotional progress and growth I experienced after taking them and although it made me experience things I had never seen before I feel more broken. It makes me re-evaluate the position of drugs and alcohol in my life.  But it did open my eyes to so many things, within myself and people around me. I could see so much further than I had and I realised that it would be ok. It made me resent the fat that I couldn't see that introspectively all the time I would do it again

[cedibe]

WORD VOM

- sexualisation of a woman’s body on the basis of structure and form  --> ext on that- the lack of choice in whether a woman is seen as a sexual object regardless of context--> force of covering and hiding in which to feel comfortable

EMPATH PROBLEMS

- fixation on another person to feel comfortable--> is it possible to become too empathetic, in a situation that you struggle to distinguish between dependency and friendship

- is it my place to help? struggling with the decision to act as a therapist and shoulder for friends when you are struggling to take care of yourself 

- is it valid to be effected by other people’s mood when in context? when to ignore the actions of another when in a communicative situation

CIRCLES

- progress may not be linear, but why do I lean into my sorrow for comfort? ‘that funny feeling’ sneaks up when blips in progress come into my life. why am I not as strong and willing as I was six months ago? the idea of doing as many structured activities, study and social outings makes me feel quite sick.  does running back to my old activities and habits to cling to the person I used to be make me weak? the tasks I used to complete make me feel like a more stable human being, but continually make me wonder if I am even growing as a human being. why must I feel continual growth in myself to feel content? a new piercing or haircut is not growth. new clothes are not growth. new friends are not growth. I feel as though one emotional event in my life has left me completely stagnant. I did all my growing at a young age and I am simply left to be ‘mature for my age’ while I watch everyone lead into their 20′s with so much energy and ambition. 

I often feel as though I have been sucked into the repeating cycle of romance and partnership. I don’t want a boyfriend or a partner but I feel as though I have lost a piece of the puzzle without it.  --> do I cling to my best friend to fulfil my need for a relationship, as a friend is so much easier to maintain and ultimately leave in the end --> building a puzzle from the outside - build your likes and dislikes, your home, your friends, your family, then you move into your morals, your experiences and finally the person who completes you do you interpret this as being incomplete without someone to be with?  the desperation of people to be in love and find this perfect person leaves the population with a depressing divorce rate and a broken heart--> so what is the point?  why is the biggest moral teaching in girls children's movies that the prince must find his princess? why is it that the high school triumph is getting the girl at prom? why has media created an in satisfaction within the minds of young girls everywhere that will merely carry on through adulthood. This manufactured ‘piece of the puzzle’ makes life unfulfilling. 

CONTROL

[cedibe]

looking at the person that i was when i started this account makes me incredibly disappointed in what i’ve done in the last two years

[cedibe]

love feels so immature as i grow. i feel as though i could be doing so much more with my time. everyone is so temporary

[cedibe]

[cedibe]

i used to try so much harder

[cedibe]

the paradox of adolescence

with this newfound freedom comes the restrictions of age and responsibility. frustrations stem from the shackles of school, work, relationships and are placed onto this new lifestyle of a modern teenager. this completes the paradox of adolescence, inflicting limitations on a minority of people that just want to be free

[cedibe]

lately i keep thinking about how things would be if i played my cards differently. i try not to. it’s not very healthy

[cedibe]

i grew out of so many people this year

[cedibe]

in contrast, i love having feelings for someone. i love how it makes me feel. i’m completely enamoured by a person and they give me a reason to get up and look cute in the morning. i imagine that they’re always watching over and i strive to be better for both them and myself. i love how happy seeing the smallest snippets of them make me. i love looking at our pictures and remembering the few words they say to me. looking at their posts and messages make me so euphoric and i find that they’re one of the only things that still give me the happiness that i haven’t felt in so long. i cling onto this person and these feelings and part of it is sad but i wouldn’t change it.

[cedibe]

i don’t enjoy having feelings for someone. i wake up and i think of him. i go about my day and i think of him. i listen to my music and it’s all him. i want to be able to function normally again!!!!!