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We looked inside some of the posts by cha0tic-disarray and here's what we found interesting.
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Notes Per Post
33K
Likes Per Post
15K
Reblog Per Post
18K
Reply Per Post
20
Time Between Posts
5 months
Number of Posts By Type
Text
10
Video
2
Photo
4
Audio
1
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Tumblr was attacked by a cross-site scripting worm deployed by the Internet troll group GNAA on Dec 3, 2012.
Text
Three and half years since my last post here. I feel like my life is completely different. The memories just feel like another lifetime ago. I feel like I've lived through at least three different lives since I was born. It's so interesting. This concept of time.
I miss my old life. Yet, I also love the life that I have created. It's all a give and take I guess. But... there are things I wish I still had. People I still miss so very much.
I think I want to pick up this blog again. Maybe it'll be a better way to journal again. Since the physical journals are not working very well.
This past year, I've just seen my mental health decline. Lots of steep backslide. Feeling like I used to. This incapability of breaking myself out of these negative feelings that keep dragging me lower and lower into the deep dark pit that I fought so hard to climb out of.
I need to do more for myself. But I'm also just so drained and exhausted to even think or want to do something. I'm trying. And I'm struggling.
I need to do more creative things and/or find new creative outlets and inspiration. I would love to write again. To read again. To be inspired and refueled again.
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Been a Minute
It’s been a minute since I blogged. I probably should pick this up again. I really need to start journaling again. Sometimes, it just feels like such a waste of time.I had started to use a physical journal. I haven’t figured out if that’s what I still want to do.
I was rereading some of these old posts. It’s funny how vague I was about the people I wrote about. But at the same time, I still remember who I was talking about.. or at least, at this point in my mind, I still mostly remember. My memory is fading a lot the last year. Guess since I’m getting old. Lol.
So much has changed. I have forever changed. Maybe I have to just accept the fact that I won’t ever be that person anymore, no matter how much I try to get back there. Do I even want to?
The man I fell in love with passed away one year, one month, and four days ago. I loved him so much. Still do. He made me realize that all the times before that I thought I was in love, I wasn’t. I refer to him as my first love. And, to be honest with you, I don’t think I want to or even can love another again. He was it for me.
I can’t believe I didn’t realize, couldn’t see, how much he loved me when he was alive. But I guess I should have realized... especially when I realized why he would put up with me all this time. And even those times when I would tell him that he loved me but he would deny it. I know, he just wasn’t ready to admit it. All the things that he used to do for me without me realizing he was really supporting me.
I feel bad for being so insecure and putting him through all that I put him through. I was so afraid to lose him. Even though he basically was telling me he was here to stay.
Losing him has changed me.
I was doing so well. We were starting to do really well. Everything seemed like it was falling into place. And in just an instance, it was all gone.
In so many ways, I’ve just reverted back to my old ways since I’ve been back at my parents’ house. Except maybe worse since now I don’t really have any friends to pull me out of the dark place. And the fact that I’ve pretty much been isolating myself.
A few days ago, I finally had a dream where I saw him and we kissed right before I woke up. It was the first time that I woke up feeling like my old self and actually feeling happy/content... at least for a minute.
Since he passed, I’ve just been super debating about the afterlife and what is real. It’s probably a good thing that I don’t know for sure... for I might have joined him. Pretty much, I’ve just been wondering.. is there an afterlife? Or do we just seem to not exist anymore after death? Its made me really sad. I hope there is an afterlife and I hope he’s ok wherever he is. I can’t really imagine him just not existing.. and I hope that’s not the case.
I remember the good times and the not-so-good times all the time. I think of what could have been. What should have been.
I miss him.
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Anxiety
It's one hell of an emotion. Is it even an emotion? ...disease? What is it considered? All I know is that I'm constantly feeling it. How exhausting.
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Scared that I'm not ok. At the doctors and the suspense is killing me!
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I think I'm really on the fence between giving up and just persisting. I don't really know what to do.
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Can I just know already if we'll work out or not? I feel like we are. And we've worked so hard to establish our connection. But I am getting tired of feeling like we are hanging on by a thread. Maybe it's just me and my anxiety that always makes me feel that way. I need to deal with it. I know. And hopefully I can be the better person... an even better person. And I won't feel that way anymore.
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Toxic
Are we all just a little bit toxic for each other? Even at our best?
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I thought that we would be friends forever. I thought that communication was key. You always said for me to be more open. But when I tell you how I feel, I get shut down. Shit on for feeling things. Why? I thought you told me to do that. Is it that I'm supposed to do it for everyone but you? I shouldn't ever question you? Why not? It makes me feel like you're abusing your privileges.
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Finally. A happy tear.
You admit your feelings for me. And why you put up with my shit.
It made me really happy. To know that what I felt was not just in my head. That I wasn’t going crazy. That what I feel is real. That’s been my biggest struggle.
Thank you. I love you. <3
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Video
youtube
When you hear a song and it just speaks everything you are not capable of verbally communicating.
That's why I'm still try. Why I'm still in this.
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Too Good
I'm too good for you.
I would have made things so much better for you.
I think sometimes people are scared of that. They're scared to be better.
Change is hard. Even when it's a good thing.
I'm too good for you.
I would have helped you succeed and excel.
In everything you hoped to accomplish.
I'm too good for you.
My love is so strong. I would have lavished affection on you.
I would have healed your aches and patched up your heart.
I'm too good for you.
And it scared you.
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