chandelierofbabylon

[chandelierofbabylon]

Are you calling me out? (collecting future objects)

TIME The letters of Rosa Luxemburg (Critical Theory) Useful Delusions (Hidden Brain) On time and water (Emergence Magazine) LANGUAGE Getting into the doughnut (Intelligence Squared) Reasons for reservations (Wise Traditions) When words lose their meaning (This Jungian Life) PROGRESS Mona Eltahowey (Intelligence Squared) Finding the mother tree (Emergence Magazine) Tim Jackson (Critical Theory) DOMINATION Somatic therapy (Earth Speak) A plane to Thailand (Bad Faith) Cruelty as citizenship (Critical Theory)

[chandelierofbabylon]

brainstorm: modern myth zine

prototyping - 6 pages - industrially stapled on plaster - in a mini clipboard - vertical orientation to spine, as if hanging - 5x8 sharing - scan of book over plan bag over latex suit over plarn blanket over grass - on a farm read to a bunch of kids like an elder - between two records

spreads (cover- plarn?) 1- “Violet mist rising” and cows/eggs 2- picture of rock on wall with poem “Cobalt” 3- looking for M exerpt 4- “Sticky Blankets” full spread 5-”Evening Nose Knows” and “trying to look good ruins my life“ 6- “The center cannot hold me” and twitter collage 7- arch2000 excerpt 8- “Five til midnight” and another picture of a picture taped on a wall then drawn on and scanned

[chandelierofbabylon]

******center cannot hold******

Squish me Against the wall Just do anything But don’t stop Whatever happens Keep going At a constant rate Like a train And I’m tied to the tracks 4 miles away And you’re a steam engine

Or a roller coaster But I’m the roller coaster And you are gravity you have the velocity And I am the object boundless If not for friction Twisted into the shapes That form as we scream

We defeat gravity and stand for another day

[chandelierofbabylon]

pre-prototyping

5 days before full moon eclipse

“Well my need for security include a trip to the laundry however my self growth is telling me to buy new clothes and get comfy in my new role that i have no expectation of assuming. AS PURSUER OF DREAMS, ACHIEVER OF GOALS. DETACHING FROM TRUSTED PEOPLE around me whom I love. This is normal, the pendulum swings between outer reality and inner lanscape easily. That doesn’t make it less painful. What’s growing is not achievement nor benevolence out of shame grows hedonism and stimulation my writing has been looking like I’m wrestling wit a wad of gum in my hair

^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v6v6^V^V^V^V6V6V6v6^V^V6V6V6V6

1 day before full moon eclipse When I compartmentalize, I fit into boxes what kinds of accomplishments the limits of my vision perceive. But just enlarging the box doesn’t work, there is no “bigger box” only bigger vision save the flowers, don’t pick them now how will you walk by later and laugh at their jokes

[chandelierofbabylon]

******Breathing signals into noise****** The part that you fear is what you lose

[chandelierofbabylon]

A machine with organs

We are so close to understanding what it means to believe in science. Believing in science has the inherent quality of doubt; a quality that we must use to question whatever current truth we are presented. The adherence to a truth that is not questioned can be qualified as movement along a spectrum of curiosity and love for ourselves, to conspiracy and fear of the other.

Paranoia is an experiment. It is not just a quality of individuals with mental illness, but rather becomes a symptom of living in the modern world and categorized as illness. In the social experiment of paranoia, questioning the truth becomes weaponized. It is the strategy of authoritarian governments to suppress the exposure of truths that we question. Public provocations always follow these experiments. The experiments of paranoia that world leaders use to gain power and create chaos for the world populations they think they rule, is strategic and intentional. Fear and suspicion are active tools, without any foreseeable end to their implementation and manipulation by the ruling power of money.

My analysis of the instantaneous news cycles of social media starts with my research of the social and political effects that fear and paranoia have on the belief systems of the people that engage with each other on these platforms. Let me point out that they argue with each other rather than together, against the overt corruption of power at the top. This is an important mechanism of the strategy of instilling paranoia. They are almost to the truth, while at the same time they criticize the questioning of the current configuration of such truth. Neither democracy or communism are the real incentives for the people that govern our world. One is vilified against the other in an attempt to stifle any ideas about the role of authoritarianism, a form of rule that exists whether overtly or subversively in every form of government. The right-leaning Q anon conspiracy, the social reliance on cancel culture and cyber shaming, and the political game of Russia vs. America vs. China have one thing in common: the weapon of fear.

The leaders of this new world saw a renewed change to approach the paranoia experiment, but on a scale never before possible until this current moment. The power inherent in controlling the entire world under a single mechanism of fear proved to be too enticing. By negating any attempt to question the truth, as is the definition of science, the global population was fed a politics that reflects exactly what has already happened and will continue to happen. There is a truth behind Racism, Authoritarianism, Genocide, Manipulation, and Wealth. What questioning this truth, which is real and prevalent in some way in each of our lives, does is break down the mechanisms allowing such subjugation of human life and reveals the actors behind the governments who failed their people. The defense of themselves, used as a carefully woven cloak over their strategy of power, is the proclamation that paranoia is an illness and Q anon is a sad example of when the public thinks for themselves and questions truth. Although Q anon did not get the message or uncover the truth, they opened a door which the world leaders shut quickly behind them.

And this becomes the paradox: that politicians use fear to their advantage, while at the same time discredit it when anyone else speaks up to reveal the truth of this strategy of using false hope instilled by yours truly (the US government).

[chandelierofbabylon]

Sketches 5/11-5/26 (new to full)

*******Etropy*******

I want what I already know A steady rain dampened under the oak that cradles the sky around hugging my blue into it’s green My toes dangle through a slatted iron escarpment I am cooking my grandmothers German cabbage rolls inside The sound of people imitating birds imitating people

******Listen to freedom********

The kettle is on Is this thing on? We’re going to be fine steeped until chilled by the evening eastern breeze I won’t bother singing for you not now, the tide is coming in get out of the swamp sopping, enormous throbbing with the sound of freedom Clouds are a nice reminder of the business I’m in as though the sight of them is more than my vision could bear

******Five til midnight******

Take me to your backyard Tell me, where do you sit in the sun I’ll wait under the stars

For the time being that with time being what it is, has no excuse for showing up late I can always blame it on the weather I wake up with a new face each day but all of my accessories remain my voice, my watch, stuck at five til midnight The screens I squint at Squint back at me their shapeless center and defined curve Like an hourglass of mercury filling up the next container A new pocket to hold only what we need And let the rest fall back into story

******After hours******

Letting myself go where I take me a benevolent grip on you An increasing number of crossroads just to get home My own beliefs that sprout up from the disappointment I need more soil and a bigger pot After hours, what grows remains waste do not enter the mess I made

*******Lizard Person********

I travel speechless sometimes crying or yelling at the people to tell me the way I desperately ignore, as a warning I almost drowned in a sea of black eyed susans under the steps sunlight cutting off the shadows cast by a nearby lily I dance out of rhythm for important tasks like hearing the light on a waft of color and touching the veins of a petal in my shadow like a feast on vibrant juices and resting in stickiness it forces me out of the house with a hunger strike on my mind the shards of my exhaustion sinking ships as my many boxes fill up, bursting with leaves and seeds or bone and sinew and organs it increases my chances of winning the virginity that I strangled and put to bed With my tough lizard skin caked on hairy arms searching, willing eyes and the broken voice but the softest smile through crooked teeth

[chandelierofbabylon]

Notes from time traveling

Poppop’s father, Joseph Wagner Sr. Poppop’s mother, Poppop’s siblings, Edward and Vera

-grew up on a farm in Eastport with pigs, chickens, and sheep -at 12, moved with immigrant family to Brooklyn -father was a wagon maker in Germany

Worked in carriage stables, then learned how to make wheels for horse-drawn carriages. Body mechanic who traveled between Detroit and New York. Stole coal off of trains to bring home for fuel. In Brooklyn, frequented boxing clubs and got a job as a driver for two “detectives” until they had to flea town. Met his wife, had 3 children, and moved to Patchogue.

He worked on the North Shore as a groundskeeper for a wealthy family. Wife remained at the farm and was visited by her sister and mother. She passed when Poppop was 21.

-only grandparent alive when my dad was born -died on Poppop’s 65th birthday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nana’s father, Zygmunt Babinski Nana’s mother, Paulina Shelanski Nana’s siblings, Edmond and Arthur and Alice and Regina and Lucile

[chandelierofbabylon]

Leo Ascendant

This funny person feels somehow uncared for. We all look at this person and yet they're laughing because they feel in them that we will not be giving. And in their heart there's something unforgiven. Placed on this earth to give us a break up a shakeup a curse. Doesn’t like seeing things going smooth, things to sooth, no futuristic ideas of passion or glory, for the Leo ascendant is not here to be sorry.

And though they will be there for you, they will make up your problems and blow them through the speaker. Yet what they say falls away, because fools they are in the way they sway with their ego, so purified yet so mundane. They have a mundane existence in a way. They have a life surrounded by things that are not proud. They have a dwelling that is just a box, they’re just somebody that is trying to make them point out their own flaws. Because in the past, Leo has been something great, meek but cool. But in this life, this person is secretly a fool. They feel they are worthy of everything and always. They are completely surrounded, and when they picture glory, they will find in every situation something gold, in every second chance something to behold. And that's beautiful but deluded. And what they get is something that's perfection, but them inside they want a great big chemical reaction. They feel they deserve attention. Why else would they get the looks and stares. Universally Leo ascendant are seen, but as you know with any trashy magazine, the stars are looked at not for their grace and glory. We want the stars in this world to feel a little bit sorry. Want them to regret that which they make of themselves. We see with our something that is very silly. As if they belong here, as if they are away from us, as if they come here already knowing everything. There is no need for soulful infusion with other people, even in pure kind gesture. Often they are not right for ingestion. We don’t feel completely satisfied with their glory, even in purity and grace, we eventually leave in a hurry, leaving them alone which they often are. And even if they feel like a star they will always be elevated yet forgotten.

What we have is somebody who doesn’t see anything rotten. Sometimes they can see this in others but most of all they understand that reflection is that which is their brothers. And they feel by nurturing and bringing up other people, they will seem less simple. Sometimes they give without great understanding that the game they play with others is just pretending. As Leo ascendants have a curious conspiracy, placed in this world as that which is illusion, to put us into a spell of ultimate confusion. What we see is exactly what we are getting, for the Leo ascendant mind is creating in us a desire to connect at last. We want to be near this person on purpose. And that’s because illusion is purifying us into something that is honest. We are using this person who can’t see their own mind, for something in us that is trying to hide. This person in Leo ascendant is the purest filter, for they show us inside how to fit into ourselves better. How do we delude us into our existence? What is this perseverance and what is this persistence? What is this ego, this thing inside us bigger than we admit? And for this phony perverse presence Leo gives us greater presence, and not in a physical realm, but in mind as the judgements we make about them do not hide. They look us back in the face as they know we are looking, and we try to ignore them but here is the joking: eventually Leo ascendant knows everything clearly. Their feeling of delusion and optimum fate becomes nearly as important as that which they themselves don't create. They look at your work, and you, and in that looking they create the magnificent new way of being for them. They have taken ideas from others, women and men, that are just little thoughts and small creations. They take all this into consideration and pull out the best trumping card of revenge. As this Leo ascendant is locked in a cage until they can take everything from each person and put it in use as something on purpose. They’ve taken ideas and situations, everything from us little from little to achieve great evasions.

They will use you, and they will not feel guilty. Because you can’t conceal you are judging them really. For that they are grateful for they create themselves a life little by little not regretful, comprised of a home and a family which is owed by the people that have caused them calamity, and in feeling not sorry, they will find a conclusion. That perhaps this not sorry feeling, has created them this great fusion. But it is not. It is our not sorry. So this reverse in the mirror causes us worry. We feel we have done wrong to this person, and they have elevated to great heights for a reason. And know, this person will not achieve true wisdom. There is somebody who is very resourceful, and boredom will be a great companion, as through it they will find something to savor. They will kill us with drama and strange perseverance. For in our life, they enjoy interference. And then at the end, when they're here in their throne, that's really not a great big throne. It is no throne at all, its mainly just a seat built for somebody who in their later years has a formidable body but has no need for the thing they were trying all of their time spent on something that was lying. The grief! They’ll be sad, and they’ll be so very still in knowing that what they were aiming for, was just a pill. Like a reality check. And that’s what they get in the end, a reality check, oh what the heck, I don’t need to be this great princess, this throned princess of awesome. I’m happy with taking it little by little, with something so small, that’s got no sparkle at all, and ironically with this point of view here, they can create the biggest career. They recycle and make the big from the small and in doing that they will be very tall.

[chandelierofbabylon]

earthly pleasures

Compartmentalized all my needs into three categories of earthly pleasures:

1. gratitude / relationships / love

2. embodiment / self care / sensuality / movement

3. vision / intuition / time / money

[chandelierofbabylon]

Happy Beltane! Happy May Day! International workers of the world, pagan priestesses, UNITE. I’m here, I’m grounded, I’m clear. Reflecting on my own embodied desires these days, in this last half of spring, I see a vision for this summer. Here are a few things I’m working through with this vision in mind. Come with me on my journey to translate these desires into my future vision.

First off, my classic car. I have an ‘87 bmw that needs some engine work and I plan on learning how to do this myself in my friends garage. I envision the end result of its sale as a fundraiser in order to invest that sale in black and trans futures. The time loop of this project will manifest by Juneteenth/the solstice.

I am also generating a collage/poetry/photo zine that embodies my inner landscape of logic and perceived reality. The poems, memes, symbols, and rhythms I’m finding within are becoming featured in my vision. They both inform and create, like meta-theater. This seasonal zine will hopefully have more interactions, as this is a project jumping off from my winter proto-zine.

My festering desire to organize and mobilize against the crumbling structures of capitalism lead me to labor unions. To reflect this collective power in a way that makes sense for my own life and my community, I am putting out not a call to action but a call to strategize. I will be taking a 6 week organizing course, investigating more local food/other material resource distribution, and creating a space to commune with other similarly interested folks in an online open-sourced book club.

Along with my leather fantasies, and a change in my identity presentation (nails done, hair did, new clothes, bling bling, new bike who dis), I am choosing a path toward visionary expansion. Although my engagement with the erotica and anima of techno-embodied capitalism is relatively new, the pooling of water in a nearby eddy is where I’ve always been - close, intimate, familiar, looped, frustrated, fearing death and rebirth. My vision precedes the eventual onset of nature’s fall harvest. It is also informed by this future finish line. I have a container of meaning to work in and it does not limit me like my irrational and immature decisions around my own available energetic contradictions do. Universe: if you have any tips to use crystals/plants for grounding, clearing and energizing please send them my way xo

[chandelierofbabylon]

Already bored of taurus spring. Unsurprisingly my comfort zone is more of a intense burning fire of turbulent anxious birth and resurrection cycle. So the low stakes low commitment of this earthly cow season is something I have to get used to. Aquarius, pisces, and aries seasons the last 3 months - always a “fun” neurotic time.

It’s actually been easier than I thought. My brain is actually quieter and I’ve been able to focus more peacefully on boring uneventful self care and fixing trust issues. There’s more space for my intuition and affective imaginary to embody feeling and reflect. This is a reflection of cosmic patterns within my last 7 year dating cycle as a gemini.

Out of the 14 or so people I’ve seen, about three were short flings (aries/gemini), and the rest is divided water signs/everyone else 60/40. The two Leo relationships ended in me fighting their formerly-communist mothers on their perception of reality (I am leo rising). The single earth sign relationship (capricorn) felt like my balloon heart was tied to a rock and left in a cave. The 8 scorpios and 1 cancer relationships failed as my emotional inner world was triggered by people who actually wanted to know how I feel. Scorpios are too intense for my scavenging gemini brain to handle.

I think dating a pisces or virgo may heal me. I have a pisces moon and a Virgo Mars. These are two aspects of myself I struggle with. Aquarians, Geminis, and Pisceans are my strongest friendships. They get me.

The signs that I haven’t quite figured out, but would like to, are Virgo, Taurus, Aries, Capricorn, and Cancer. People in my life with these signs: dad, tessa, ren, bex, dallin, dan, uma.

[chandelierofbabylon]

lighting an incense through the fog

[chandelierofbabylon]

Wednesday/lowering the stakes

I’m pretty happy with what I’ve got. Being grateful may not be easy but its honest work. I create most of my anxiety within my mind. Even when I escape through dreams, I wake up after knowing still very well all of the things that keep me grounded, and that’s a blessing. Despite my body still targeting these feelings as attacks, the anxiety is kept more at bay. I make meaningful lists everyday to remind me of my connection to my body, this earth, the ability to see and taste and hear as time goes by. The ability to communicate and stay close and be heard or seen, translations of my energy, transformation. I can stop questioning myself and start questioning the world, and then observing. There is no answer. Only affect. Listen to the birds in the morning, wear the headphones on the train on the way to the museum and enjoy this decision I just made. It’s better to do the right things than feel remorse for choosing the option that limits me.

Doing the right thing means taking my car back, creating space for myself to heal and create, seeing all of reality as a reflection of the deeds I do. I have ambitions, I’m really passionate about observing plainly the current reality scales of existence. Importantly, it means I deeply desire to give back what I have gotten - what I am grateful for - so that collectively we can do more. I advocate for reciprocity, love and trust. I long to teach about separating from the crumbling structures of capitalism so as not to end up buried underneath. How to rely on yourself within a trusted inclusive community is a trait that can be cultivated. Although I’m not exactly cut out for leadership in the bigger sense - I have less of a divine inspiration than a cosmic mirror - I do have the endurance to perceive all existence, bit by bit, through the present moment. If I had stayed present with the fear that overcame me during the last backpacking trip, that yeah it was going to be hard but worth it for boost of affirmation and embodiment that I can control... to an extent. Truthfully, it is not only worth these pleasures if I succeed in one sense merely to ignore the twisted fate of those two nights below freezing stuck making camp at night. In a way, it also broke me free from my desire to include my parents in every step, which is a way I regress to feeling included in the game of family life. And, it showed me I still have work to do. I still need to practice the embodiment of this fear, this truth of mine, that I can’t always lead or carry the extra weight or prepare completely for the complex tasks ahead. I needed Liam’s help. The only way I knew how to ask for it was to let anxiety override my decision making. It was easier to delegate a task as a mean bossy out of control person than someone who has taken a breath, accepted things didn’t go as plan and keeping the morale - hell, maybe I’m looking at it all wrong and Liam was sucking me dry, offering no additional support (what’s a little brother to do), and therefore exposing my incapability to pick up the slack for more people than just me. The universe telling me what to really focus on, before I drag someone else in. I won’t let the beginner’s luck go to my head. These were high stakes high commitment, oddly a comfort zone that I thrive in, and feel myself in despite sometimes losing control. It always helps to reground. And I went out to nature to do just that. Regrounded, and I’ll say it was a solid C minus worth of a job I did to commune with nature and find my place in it which means more room for improvement. Anxiety disembodied (and disminded) me.

Let’s face it, that’s what confidence is - what I feel when I trust myself. If I trust that I can survive in the woods with enough practice, that’s different than saying I went into the woods in order to trust myself after I succeed. It’s using the notions of non-linear time and vision of future success as well as how I felt going through the process (not easy) and when I learned my lesson. It’s about what went well and what I could apply again and what I can drop, not whether I followed some guideline for following a break schedule. Most times I need to make an important decision, I feel myself just doing it if I really need to do it. If I have to think about it then it won’t really become anything. Take to do lists for example. Because I need anxiety and confusion at this point in order to commit to hustling through this noise, I make lists every day. These lists tell me to go to the store and buy things that help me either feed myself or maintain some aspect of my material world. They, along with the guidelines I wanted myself to follow two weeks ago, will never get done if I think about them this way because it comes down to just doing it for me. If I’m meant to do it, I don’t have to think so hard about it. The anxiety is just displacing my desire to find momentum, action, energy, to reflect. If I drug myself, I also no longer feel the pain of not being in this energy, this community, this hustle. It’s best just to exist in this humane version of torture, so that I may learn something and get better at whatever I missed out on before. But that doesn’t mean wasting time thinking things over, move the fuck on. It means dusting off the real desire, and the embodiment through which to create my own intuitive meaning from my desires. No one else will be able to tell me that, not some ancient city in europe nor a series about the afterlife nor an article about - well I guess an article about queering time is pretty directly what I need to tell me. But what I’m saying is that either way, whether I read that article or visit that place, I will still somehow get to the same result of pleasure, desire, sense, pain, grief, ecstasy, love, peace, chaos. The article won’t tell me what time is best to wake up to do all the things I want to do in the order and with the right sense of direction nor will it really give me that confidence and endurance to do it (however, every drop does count in this instance). The only way to do such things in the easiest way possible is to first ground myself, be thankful, clear your energy, move around light a candle take a bath. Then it involves trust, confidence, and endurance. Finally, it is following my path of embodiment (of desires) where it takes me, making sure to stay present and committed to myself. The part that I fear, is what I lose. I fear processing that feeling of grief, not knowing when I will next feel truly seen or heard without those past bits doing the heavy lifting. But in transformation, I don’t quite know what it will really mean to be seen or heard, and truly understood as myself, until after transformation. So in a way, I’m doing a really straight thing and unqueering the future because I think I’m actually being good by trying to anticipate it rather than live wholesomely in vision and peace with that vision. To do it all requires a new experience of and discipline of self trust and dependability of myself to myself, on the trust/shame spectrum. You can’t have one without the other.

By using embodiment to create my own intuitive meaning from my desires, I am achieving vision by being vision, not by thinking it. This is what opens the space. Using intuitive opens up, makes room, sees all of reality as a reflection of the deeds I do. Fight for love, trust, confidence, and endurance. And commit to that fight, commit to my worth, my humanity.

[chandelierofbabylon]

Tuesday

maybe a bust, maybe a time of transition and adjustment. Full moon last night, closest to earth tonight, feeling its scorpio gravitational pull but with pluto in retro feels like things imploding, becoming real and imaginary at once, losing and gaining things simultaneously, inertia accruing importance, words taking on meaning, a mood of discipline and experience, exploring the erotics of technology and capitalism, the politics of an embodiment practice through radical ecriture, intransitives and deconstruction and word maps and receiving a beat to free my soul and a beet out of my container garden past which I gaze every day through the window into a world I wish would join me inside, lay in my lap and stroke the hair of that with time shows the trick of the light on my skin my energy centers show the cracks the wordless world falls through in my attempt to talk to the tree growing between stone and sand, seeing the smell of a six hour work day on anything, on craigslist or twitter or tumblr or notion or arena or podcasts that look good on you and turn you into hot rhythmic pasta water and afternoon baths Tuesdays I open the window and let the dog lick himself to the beat of the new Drake album as I stretch my legs, prepare to prepare a meal, the first pleasurable experience I’m choosing today.

[chandelierofbabylon]

Breathing signals into noise

I’ve looked too long at screens and my eyes are glitching breaking through storming out tired dipsticks for the frontal cortex shove the amygdala down your pretty gaping hole try to stay hydrated and make sure to flush

I think you’re just searching for your roots and transplanting seems counterintuitive so you believe you praise you care you perceive you love you energize you reflect you laugh you are you carry you wait

endurance is another word for patience I use art I abuse it when I absorb into and do the absorbing in return there is a frequency and I become myself not withholding the bad smell in the yard its coming from my compost pile just sticks and leaves shells and pods skin and seeds bones and salve to treat the wounds underground below the cracked surface treading neatly feeling my weight nose to the trail gumshoes on the ground

suspended in elemental structure in emotional chaos in terrestrial delights in folk songs and cream of mushroom soup a signal the post office visits mark a hole in time I carve out over and over using the waterboard torture method but on the rock over there the stone grave and putrid dirt eulogy to achieve a perfect curve a warm supple supply of monthly walks a new yet familiar event that I endure alone

cradled this container of meaning and I have to say if babies can hear light and see sound I want every luxury this life can give me that with time should be able to kill me faster than the words that trail behind me in a smoke vapor staging my death that I read too far into

guidance through my orbit with time starts where in the morning before the pleasure activities you eventually choose not to do like eat and move and express and feel entirely burdensome can only translate through the open window the feed or the algorithm this new prophet follows me like the crumbs behind the smoke behind the footsteps behind the nose I wear out that evening

[chandelierofbabylon]

erotics/politics of technocapital embodiment practice of a radical ecriture