chaotichush

[chaotichush]

It's close to two years since I wrote anything and I find it so wonderful how I have evolved and found myself in different ways since then! I don't hope that this blog finds anyone or anything but it serves myself in a way I hope fills me with love.

[chaotichush]

I am now in university, I'm doing nursing, which at this point in my life, is what I want to do.

I'm exhausted though, I feel like I should not be here, I feel like a failure. I haven't even gotten my first grades, or finish my first semester and I feel like I would not do well. I can't understand how others are not struggling but I struggle to write an essay.

I feel stupid, so dumb that no one can relate and I keep asking myself why am I here and why am I trying so hard. Why am I suffering so much? I can already feel myself burning out, I hate this feeling.

[chaotichush]

I hate that whenever I mention that I want a partner, my parents laugh and just say that I will be carrying a “burden” with me. It makes me lose a lot of hope and faith in life, it makes me feels like I will not experience any wholesome romantic love in this life and I’ll just die as I am. It’s not fun, especially when I am have nobody to rely on or feel loved by.

[chaotichush]

I like having this space where there is no one I know looking. A quick journal where I just vomit out words and here it is.

[chaotichush]

For the longest time, I have been wanting (maybe even desperately) to be in a relationship. It affected how I thought about myself and how I should dressed, act and be like in front of certain people (If I wasn’t that way, then, I was undesirable and unlovable). At times, I would want to date someone who was not a good fit or just out of feeling alone and wanting companionship.

I have however! happily been able to get past that mindset. I am now happier than ever being single and choosing to be single. It’s better to grow and mature myself, than to be with someone who you would eventually stop having that “honeymoon” phase with and feel miserable. Not saying that if the right person come I would say no to them or not that the first or second step, but I am happy being where I am in life now.

[chaotichush]

I’m afraid I’ll lose the small things I have now, the little things I have that I can hold with both my hands, my body and soul. I don’t want to lose them, I’m so scared I will. I only have so little.

[chaotichush]

Something wonderful about myself that I have recently appreciated is that I am resilient and determined. Along with that, I am actively trying to reflect and stay grounded as often as I can. I’ve seen myself meet my own obstacles time and time again, always getting up and trying to learn from the experience.

I’m often not proud of myself and the accomplishments I have achieved, but today I am, at this moment I am. I feel like I don’t say nice things about myself enough and share my struggles a lot on this blog so here is something I appreciate about myself and my qualities today.

What about you? What do you love about yourself? 

[chaotichush]

I have been feeling like I was given another life, it does not feel entirely good, it’s more confusing than anything. I feel like I have been reborn into a different life despite having the same home and life as I did. I’ve lost most interest in all my old hobbies, or more importantly, even if I do have interest in them, I don’t have the motivation to move to do it.

I had the plan to continue my studies this year overseas but I realised that financially, that is not possible so I have decided to take a gap year or two to focus on growing my finance while also collecting skills and experiences on the way.

I have to admit though, the plan that changed really scared me, hurt me and made me wonder if I am going to live the life I want. It really messed with me, along with the fact that I now work 3 days a week as a pet groomer, 1 day a week as a designer, volunteering one day and being unable to do anything but spend time with people the other two days. I don’t feel enough because I don’t have much skills and I know I’m heading down the road of burnout if I don’t change my current situation. 

On the brighter side, I’ve signed up for yoga classes in studio and go about 5 times a week while also currently on a mission to find a new job! These two tasks are something I am very excited to be working on because of new hope and possibility. I want to plan my time more for myself, that is too something I need to work on.

[chaotichush]

I finished my last presentation for my diploma in communication design. It’s a mess, I’m a mess. I’ve gotten really sick recently and my sorethroat is so painful that it hurts to breath.

I’m questioning why am I doing everything that I am doing, if anything is worth doing and if things will ever get better from here on.

[chaotichush]

It scares me that I know so little, that I am like a child. 

A 21 year old but one who still knows nothing. 

[chaotichush]

Deleted Instagram from my phone so I can only check it once a day on my iPad.

Seems like I’ll be extending checking Instagram to once a week instead.

[chaotichush]

Life has been feeling quite miserable for me lately. It’s a struggle to live everyday but I’m trying to find small things to feel happy about.

On a totally different topic, I ate a candy cane today. My mom told us how she would get a box of small candy cane every year for Christmas for us children just for the Christmas spirit. It feels nice to be reminded of the small moments.

[chaotichush]

☁️ daydream sunday ☁️

Welcome to a new section of my blog! “daydream sunday” is a day where I post anything new I’ve learnt about myself or any topics that interest me! My main goal of “daydream sunday” is just to do reflection within myself and share any small tips I may have.

On this week’s news, I’ve learnt:

1. I realised that I have too many goals I want to focus on. I’m still working out the projects and life goals I want to put my energy into instead of trying too many things and spreading myself too thin. Will be updating on this soon!

2. That I am still grieving over a lost friend, this friend has also led me to lose a hobby that I had for the longest time (7 years). The lost of this hobby and friend has led me to lose a huge source of my happiness and endorphins rush that I get quite frequently. It’s something I have to explain to understand but that was just the summary of it. It’s been a month and I thought I would have gotten over it by now but I am still working to recover from this. I have decided that I need a new form activity in my life to replace it. I’ll try reading more for the next week in hopes it will help!

3. I always had the thought that most people who work with animals at an animal shelter, have a strong love for animals. That is sadly not the case. It’s the hard truth and it confuses and pains me to know that.

4. I probably need to start making Christmas cards from October onwards instead of doing it so close to December... I’m currently illustrating some Christmas cards for my job and since it is cat and dog themed, all profits will be going to the animal shelters in my country! I will share them here once they are done!

[chaotichush]

It pains me today to learn that an animal shelter in my country has terrible veterinarians and management. 

I heard this from a friend of mine who works at an animal shelter. She shared that the veterinarians there doesn’t truly care about the animal welfare and are probably just in it for the fame. Veterinarians who put down animals just because they believe the animal are too sick when the animal just need extra care, veterinarians who neglect the animal well-being, veterinarians who would amputate an animals leg just because they don’t want to put in the extra work to fix the broken leg.

I understand that there are many many amazing and wonderful veterinarians out there who have to amputate animal’s leg or possibly put the animals down to avoid the suffering, who most importantly, care and love animals, but that was not the case for these veterinarians. 

The reality that some people go into vet schools, learning how to care for an animal’s wellbeing but ultimately is there for the fame of being a caring pet doctor and good money, makes me feel disgusted and sick. I hope that these people will get their act together, and realise that this isn’t just for fame or money, but for the lives of others...

[chaotichush]

Wanting to learn and study so many things is so overwhelming sometimes when I have so much I want to do and juggle altogether, so I’m just going to list them all first.

Learn Mandarin (or relearn it since it is suppose to be my mother tongue)

Learn about animal welfare (for my design project)

Study Psychology

Try Pole-Dancing (it’s a physical activity but something to learn so I’ll include it!)

Along with all the things I want to learn, I still have to juggle some personal projects, work and school. I am so confused how some people have it all together and can do so much. I’m going to do a little research and figure out how to get my life together before I’ll update you guys with what I’ve learnt

[chaotichush]

Drinking tea and water while waiting for my mom to come home so I can cook cabbage with tom yum paste! No, it isn’t a weird thing, I just like cabbage and tom yum a lot. Maybe I’ll have some rice to pair with this today~

[chaotichush]

After crying a river when I experienced the shame, fear and guilt of all my childhood fears and anxieties (which was like 10 minutes ago), I finally googled and found a good reason to why I did what I did. What I did, hurt no one but me. It was just a small relief that I know why I did what I did.