charmyesucks

[charmyesucks]

I thought I'd never feel 20

It's just too intimidating as a number

Yet maybe I get it,

I rush all day to do things I'm supposed to

I think all night for the things I want to do

And I never seem to get any sleep even if I shut my eyes.

And suddenly in between the wanting and complying everything changes

Something cracks indefinitely

Life as I knew it crumbles

It's for my own good

It's for my own good.

I soothe myself at night like I imagine

a mother should do with a sick child

whom refuses medicine

"It's for your own good"

1.5 litres of water a day

Plenty of exercise

A reasonable bedtime

Not allowing myself to dwell on what it could have been like

Yet I hear a voice in my head, in between the wanting and complying,

it's needy and it's messy

I can't get a lick of sleep despite my best efforts

I leave a mess of my room

I sip a glass of wine after telling myself I need to stay sober alone

I light another cigarette and I hesitate to put it in my mouth for too long, it's too close it's too intimate

I hope it blissfully kills me, every last one

I'm 20 years old and I know it

Between the wanting and complying I still hear myself needing

Needing the unachievable

But this time I accept being my own mother for the first time

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Intense and prolonged eye contact isn't enough I NEED TO ENGULF THIS MAN and possibly WEAR HIS SKIN

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I'm new to this all "being a tax paying adult" thing

But so far I've gathered that it's mainly being on the verge of throwing a 5 year old tantrum pretty often but having the strength to wait until you get home and also so much back pain

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Me whenever I'm feeling a bit sad in love or lost in life

*whips out the tarot card of The Fool*

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Being a young adult is so strange. You enter a coffee shop. The 20 year old girl waiting behind you cried all night because she just came to a new city for university and she feels so alone. That 27 year old guy over there works a job he is overqualified for, he lives with his parents and wants to move out but doesn't know what to do about it. That one 24 year old dude already has a car, a house, and a job waiting for him once he graduates thanks to his dad's connections. The 26 year old barista couldn't complete his higher education because he has to work and take care of his family. The 28 year old girl sitting next to you has no friends to go out with so she is texting her mother. That couple (both 25 years old) are married and the girl is pregnant. The 29 year old writing something on her laptop has realized that she chose the wrong major so she is trying to start all over. We are not alone in this, but we are actually so alone. Do you feel me

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Reblogging this because I was so right, healing isn't linear and you should only look to your own progress

Ugghhh the horrors persist but we stay silly

You know what? I might not be doing better than I did last year but I have a SHIT ton of problems now that I didn't have last year and I'm taking it like a champ.

Like I might not be "happier" but I know DAMN WELL that me one year ago would have been laying on train tracks as a hobby rn, while I'm just here pushing through and still finding the beauty of life.

I might not be happier but I am kinder and more mature and these qualities are just as good, recovery and the path to happiness aren't linear!!!

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I'm fine and alive but at the same time I'm lacerated, I've dared and I've failed and I'd love for it to be the most magnificent spectacle of human vulnerability and for me to have the courage to embrace it, but it's actually the most pathetic mess you've ever seen

And no matter how much I ask for it nothing gives me mercy, it doesn't hear my sobs, it doesn't understand my half broken words uttered in between breaths

Orphan of the world itself, I tread this terrifying path once again

[charmyesucks]

Alejandro Zambra, Ways of Going Home (translated by Megan McDowell)

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if you start reading books again. you will feel at least a little better. I promise

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A very sentimental poem about politics actually (in a way you wouldn't expect)

In nights like these I'm reminded that I'll

Always be addicted to loving what

Won't love me back

I keep looking up with my arms open

How I would as a little child

Cold of doubt and

Heavy with my own thoughts I didn't realise I had

Asking for compassion and companionship

And receiving disapproving looks

Inconvenienced scoffs

And I'd come back and come back

Maybe it's me maybe it was me all along

Maybe my arms aren't the right shape, my torso isn't inviting enough you don't want to hug it

You're right you're right

I'll try to make myself fit, whatever shape you want

You're ignoring me, you're always looking for someone else, I'm not quite right yet

You're so right, you're basically God, everyone adores you, you bring happiness to so many

I'm so wrong in being the way that I am, you must just be too perfect, that's why you don't see me

[charmyesucks]

Please don't forget Armenians

Today is Armenian genocide remembrance day. On april 24, 1915 started mass deportations of hundreds of Armenian intelectuals and community leaders, who were (most of the time) eventually killed. Armenian women and children were systematically r//ed and forcibly converted into islam. There were more than 2 milion Armenians in ottoman empire prior to ww1, 1,5 milion of them were viciously killed. Three millennia of Armenian civilaziation in eastern Anatolis was fully destroyed. Turkey today refuses to acknowledge genocides of christian minorities in early 20th century.

Do you know that mass ethnic cleansing of Armenians in ottoman empire inspired Lemkin to coin the term 'genocide'?

Last year in september azerbaijan allied with turkey initiated a war against Armenia. More that 5000 Armenians were murdered, thousands of Armenia families had to live their ancestrial land to not get murdered. There are hundreds of vids on internet where armenian p.o.w.s are tortured. Recently azerbaijan opened a "museum" displayind dead or dying Armenians and kids were allowed to visit it.

Please educate yourself on Armenian genocide. You can also donate here to help Armenia. Thanks for reading!!

[charmyesucks]

Mary Oliver, from “Hum Hum”, A Thousand Mornings

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my mom didn’t raise a quitter. she raised a perfectionist who’s so afraid of failing they don’t start anything to begin with

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Thoughts on writing hiatus/rant

Hiii ive been gone for so long now

Thing is, I kinda stopped writing for a while

And that's the most terrifying thing for a writer, because YOU KNOW something is wrong, you can't really tell what it is though. And since you're not writing you're not really getting many hints or a kind of deep enough introspection.

At least, at the beginning nothing was wrong, I was just very invested in a new part of my life so I didn't really feel like writing often, and then I got too harsh to write again.

I got much more anxious and serious and reflective on life, I was so focused on the things in my head and reflecting that I closed myself off from reality in a way. I just focused on critiquing things around me, in a way that made them too heavy. It's true that many of the things around me aren't *perfectly* as they'd need to be for them to be fair, but focusing only on criticism without compassion and understanding fully is detrimental.

I have recently realised this tendency that I've had lately, for lately I mean at least 3 months and most definitely more, mainly because I've had time to reflect since I've been hospitalised but also because said hospitalisation made me spiral even further.

It's funny because when I realise I've been behaving this way, I feel this overwhelming shame and like I've just committed the worst crime, but I haven't I fear, I've just been human. And there's something very beautiful in that, I have phases like the world has seasons, like the moon too.

To be alive is to be constantly changing, and that is in ways that we might consider "negative" too. Accepting it is a crucial step towards getting better, getting softer, and being happier.

Also I've proven to myself that even if I get a little depressed and anxious at times the people around me still love me and are still here for me. My friends didn't leave, my partner didn't stop loving me, the sky didn't fall because my anxiety got the best of me. Accepting this is part of fighting my anxiety as well, or better hugging it so hard it's smothered.

Also social media has rotten my brain in ways, but I can't say that it's the phone's fault more than it is mine for consuming certain kinds of contents.

Anyways, I'm back I hope, writing has welcomed me in it's arms again, we shared a passionate kiss and made love again Wednesday morning and it felt like finally getting cured of a months-long disease, or like coming home after a long, cold, exhausting travel.

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Gustav Janouch, Conversations with Kafka

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this is how the cold war ended