chasingburnout

[chasingburnout]

It's 18:37, I woke up about 10 hours ago and in that time I've managed very little.

My dreams, my first and last thoughts in the day are of her. Is she hurting me or am I hurting myself? I feel that I'm mostly at fault, but I can't trust my own emotions or view on this.

When I share what she's done, my other friends and acquaintances tell me she's bad for me, that she's a narcissist or self centered, or that she's just a bad person.

I have a hard time separating these things, I feel it's egregious that after all the affection she showed me, all the growth she pushed me to accomplish, that I had the audacity to fall for her. Yet it also upsets me how she rejected me without giving me a chance.

I feel anger and resentment when I think of how she's hurt me, but then I still feel I want her and I think at times its just physical, an attraction to an impossible beauty that I want for myself. Then the next turn happens and I find myself spending time with her and as long as I don't step on a mine, she's tender and kind and I feel at peace.

Then she does those little things that are so callously insensitive, the double standards, the demands of being able to speak freely while I censor myself, the striping away of all the good of our relationship from her end, while demanding I maintain the same space I created for her.

Like an idiot, I keep going back to see her, to speak with her and spend time together, hoping to recapture a bit of the closeness we had.

The last time I saw her I ended up with a full on panic attack when she told me how she thinks our closeness was a mistake and that it was what led to me feeling the way I did. She said this without leaving room for conversation, no she demanded there be no conversation on the subject and when I was visibly uneasy with this pressured me to say I agree.

I tried to leave a few minutes later and she physically stopped me at the door, she demanded I walk with her, not because she was worried that I was panicked, but so she could tell me more about her love life and how a different close friend kissed her and how she's unsure of how to feel about it.

I want to believe she's oblivious, months ago she told me that me feeling for her the way I did was wrong, that she'd never date a close friend because it was like incest to her. I can't understand why she'd say that when she could've just said she wasn't interested in me, after all these years she knows me better than anyone, yet she chose to lie like that.

Well, whatever.

Today I woke up with nausea and heartburn, I woke up thinking of her and woke from dreams of her and I hate it. I don't need this.

I spent the next 10 hours recovering physically, and now I have just a few hours left to the day before I have to get ready for an incredibly busy Sunday.

I need to work, I need to cook something, I need to organize my meds and to do dailies in a stupid stupid game that is the only bandage for my feeling adrift in this period of my life.

[chasingburnout]

Love blooms like wildflowers, unaware of the thorns ahead.

[chasingburnout]

Just an intro.

It's funny, coming back here after 15 years, the last time I frequented this site I was a young teenager, so sure of herself and her place in the world, or at least where she was headed.

I thought that I'd be some super successful person by now, one that has the affirmation of the whole world and who wouldn't need to seek validation because I'd be surrounded by it.

Instead I'm burn out. I'm back in my parent's house, I'm over worked and unloved. Not because I can't find it, but because I can't love myself without. I have a crippling need to chase beauty, to be beautiful, to be sexy, to be desired.

With that, I have all the depression in the world crippling my journey and with every month that passes that I am away from that goal, my motivation, my desire to even live becomes smaller and smaller.

I can take steps to be better, to do better, but then I try to do it all and achieve none of it. Making those to-do-lists, trying to organize, trying to push myself to be happy and instead I fall further and further down. I get migraines and I fall into depressive episodes, I forget to take my medication and I get incredibly frustrated when I'm not instantly good at something. I don't just take rejection poorly, I take it abysmally.

I could have a partner if I really wanted one, but every date just feels like a consolation prize in comparison to the beauty I've seen and even then I'm not sure any one person is enough for me to be happy. I might be too jealous for polyamory, but too insecure for monogamy.

I want to do so much with my fucking life and I feel like everything is just slipping away. I want to write, I want to create, I want to express myself and I want to make art. To learn traditional, digital and 3d art. I want to design products and to change the world through my ideas and actions. I want to be desired, I want to try everything, from all the mind-altering substances in the world, I want to sleep with men and women, individually, in groups, I want their attention on me.

I can't stand my own limitations and fears, not having the mental, physical, emotional and financial resources to just DO whatever I please.

So that's me in a nutshell, am I a good person? Not by my count, I'm just a girl trying to do it all.