chasingmyownshadow-blog

[chasingmyownshadow-blog]

Another rough night, and an anxious morning. Day 3 of sobriety

Last night was worse than the night before. I woke up constantly sweating, and uncomfortable. I was hoping that wouldn't be the case because I spent the afternoon working out. I basically just have to fill my time in order to not think about wanting to text my dealer and end the suffering from withdrawal. The truth of the matter is still the same though. I DO NOT WANT TO SMOKE POT! However, my body says, go get it and right NOW! 

I did let my friends know what is going on so they wouldn't invite me over for the usual things. Everyone looked at me weird, and said, why are you doing that to yourself? There is nothing wrong with it. I simply told them, if that is the case, try quitting for two weeks and see if you make it. My friends are a little younger than me, because I bloomed later in life and my career is one for a younger demographic technological minded person. One day they may get to this same spot and realize, oh shit, he was right I am addicted to this shit.

Maybe they don't want to quit even though they know they are addicted. Either way, that is their battle and one they will need to fight and anytime they reach out for help, I'll be here. So not much to report other than I can tell the physical urge to get high is getting less, but that doesn't stop the psychological part. My brain is constantly bringing up happy high memories to try to get me to re-engage. I am relying on God's strength though, and that is unbreakable.

[chasingmyownshadow-blog]

Romans 5

Day two-

I woke up with hot flashes twice last night, and in my own sweat. I also had lots of trouble with naseau and not being hungry this morning. But today I start a new life of being sober 24 hours now and living without marijuana. My dealer texted me and was like "come and get it". Even though I deleted their number, I knew it was them, and struggled with it. Thankfully the Lord helped me sleep and I spent my night praying till I passed out instead of  numbing myself to the world around me in a total haze.

I read that water can help detoxify the withdrawal symptoms. The program said to take baths or showers and drink lots of water to continue flushing your system of the thc that is stuck to the fatty tissue, so that is exactly what I did. It worked really well actually, but the real part that helped is I prayed and asked God to reveal something to me through his words to cope with the suffering I was feeling. I opened my waterproof bible and it fell open on Romans 5.

(Yes! This is a real thing, and yes I actually have one in my shower.)

http://www.amazon.com/Waterproof-Bible-Bardin-Marsee-Publishing/dp/1609690052

Romans 5 (NIV)

Peace and Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Death Through Adam, Life Through Christ

Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned—

To be sure, sin was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not charged against anyone’s account where there is no law. Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who is a pattern of the one to come.

But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! Nor can the gift of God be compared with the result of one man’s sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!

Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

I firmly believe that anyone that says that God��doesn't speak, isn't listening to what he is saying. These words were exactly what I needed to hear. I wept as I read them over and over again. This passage is my mantra for the next 30 days. Thank you so much God for answering my prayer in my time of need. When I call you literally answer me and I just wouldn't have the strength to change my ways without your loving grace.

[chasingmyownshadow-blog]

Quitting sucks!

I have been addicted to smoking marijuana for about 22 years give or take. There have been a couple of times over that period which I have quit cold turkey with some success. I even quit for over a year once. Then one of my friends sparked up next to me, and I joined in, and the rest as they say is history. Anyone who has said that marijuana is not addicting, has either A) Not smoked it for a prolonged period of time, or B) Has never tried to truly quit. I have thrown away bags full, with pipes, and bongs, and grinders, and I've definitely spent thousands of dollars over my life time on smoking. I was in bands and a part of the music industry for almost 3 decades, so it was either free or very readily available up till my thirties for the most part. I've never been what you would consider a pothead. Maybe in my teens, when I was just an idiot, but as I grew up, so did my use. I started getting better supplies, and didn't want to be a part of a counter culture movement anymore. I just wanted to smoke in my home, to relax and kick back. Nothing wrong with that right? Wrong! That is how it starts, but like all drugs, you have to do more of it, and in greater quantities to maintain the feeling you get. Not only that, but once you are addicted both physically and psychologically, all you think about is when you are going to do it next. Goals tend to stop mattering, and so do people. The only thing that matters to you is chasing that shadow.

All of that aside, I'm not here to preach. This blog is my personal journey through what it is like to quit after smoking from the age of 15 to the age of 37. Yep that's right I am a 22 year addict quitting cold turkey for the final time! How many times have I said those exact words, ALOT! I've never started a blog about it though and I've definitely never been this open with it. 

I decided to quit for good on November 5th 2014. I knew it was going to take a huge effort, and I made the decision when I was high, so it seemed like such an easy thing to do at the time. But I had a little marijuana left over in my jar, so I figured, I'll keep this just in case. From past experiences of trying to quit, once you are out, your mind just starts focusing in on how you can get it. You become very anxious when you know it is no longer there to comfort you. Having it in a drawer, you at least can tell yourself, it is there if I need it. HAHAHAHA! That's such a load of bullshit! That is exactly what an addict says. Ever seen Train-spotting? I'm quitting today, but I need just one more hit to ease the pain. I knew I had 2 days until my 37th birthday, (November 7th), and that was my "Independence Day". I figured that would be a really easy day to remember that I quit on. Plus there is a certain significance to doing it on that day in my mind. So you can pretty much guess what happened, I had a huge party to myself on November 6th night smoking all I could until I couldn't see straight. I mean I didn't want to waste what I had left, and needed a way to get rid of it=) As I looked at myself in the mirror before bed, and saw my bloodshot eyes, and sunken in face, I knew I made the right decision. I was content and couldn't wait to wake up on my birthday, without the desire of doing this stupid drug that had been with me for most of life anymore.

I did pretty good, for the first part of the day. I prayed and asked God to be my strength and keep me from wanting to do it anymore. I think I made it till maybe 5pm...it kind of blurs together, because you guessed it, I still had some left in my pipe from the night before. Then I figured hey it's my birthday, I didn't wake up and smoke like I normally do, so kick ass! This was a victory anyway and a great baby step I went a good 8 hours without smoking today. Time to reward myself with the last of what is in my pipe. MMMMMM it tasted good. I started thinking, well maybe I should text my dealer. Maybe I should just have a bit more in my drawer for days like this. So that is exactly what I did. Luckily for me, my dealer is a flake even though he has the best stuff there is in town at the best prices, so he never texted me back. 

So what did that do...well it made me want to get high. So I took out all of my pipes, and my two dugouts, and scrapped all of the residue out of each with a knife. The resin is actually a black tar, which is what they call Hash. This is WAY more potent than the marijuana itself. So with my mixed cocktail of left over resin and enough marijuana scrapped out of the other dugouts, I had a very full bowl back in my pipe. Not only that but a much more potent blend. So now I have this little backup in case I need it. I'm going to set it on the desk and not think about it.......for exactly fifteen minutes..

So I spent my birthday smoking hash and left over pot which lasted me pretty much the whole day. But now I am really out. I was able to get a little more out of the last pipe right before bed last night but that was it. Today has been my first official day without smoking any pot. I have realized how hard this is actually going to be. I did research online and found out how addictive marijuana actually is. Not because it always was, but it is now 33% more potent, (at least, those are low conservative numbers) compared to the pot they were smoking in the sixties. I will say I have definitely noticed the high changing over the years. The potency and stickiness of it, have really become something of a science. This isn't grown in fields like it used to be. This is grown in labs, and engineered to be REALLY strong. My dealer gets his stuff from the labs in California, and Colorado, mailed to him. Don't ask me how, I have just seen him take it out of the Fed Ex box in front of me. Having been to Colorado myself and sampled the wares in person...let me be the first to tell you that the marijuana in Texas is nothing. I smoked something in Colorado on the way to a concert , and I couldn't remember my own name! It was called Skywalker, (yes cool name!) but it laid me out and I am what I consider a seasoned marijuana smoker.

So that's the skinny. This is technically day 1 of 30. Today I texted my dealer at 1:30pm hoping that he would text me back, but at the same time I prayed to God that he wouldn't. That is what it is like. You need it and don't want it , at the exact same time. It is a battle. Thankfully that wave of need passed, and I made it to the other side. It's about 5:30pm and I just texted my ex wife, because she is the only one who understands what I am going through, thrown away all of my stuff ( I literally cried as I threw away my prized pipes ), and I deleted my dealer's number from my phone. I have found that it is really hard to eat and even harder to just sit still. My mind turns to suicide often but I just shut it out because I couldn't do that. I know that is the drug talking and my body reacting to the fact that it feels pain. Thankfully, I have a brain that can at least filter out those thoughts or at least keep them from growing into a larger thought pattern, that turns to action.

I am literally relying on God to get me through this. I need him to carry me to other side. I'm doing the work. I've done everything I know to do to keep it from entering my life, but I know the devil works against us when we try to do the right things, so I can't wait to see how he tries to bring it back into my view again. Will it be through a friend? I'm not sure, but what I do know, is that I will recognize when it comes because for the first time in 22 years, I am 100% stone cold sober. And yes, at least right now, it sucks.