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you're not quite an emergency, is the thing. you're just having a bad spell. so what if you can't ever really catch your breath. can't ever really feel at ease. a buzzing, terrible feeling.

but emergencies are loud, and passionate, and hit the floor. you are not a lion or a hurricane, you just live in a pretty okay apartment and your back hurts. you wake up and drag yourself out of bed and banish what if i was dead thoughts like cobwebs. you pick out your clothes and try to stay active. you apply for jobs on the internet.

the anxiety is a wave, and the depression is a spiral. the other stuff keeps things "colorful." you mitigate your symptoms and take your meds when you have them and you try to hang out with friends. you go home and your head is full of riverwater. no matter how much you sleep, you still stay tired. you journal and practice gratitude and build from the bottom upwards. and still, the haunting.

you're not a 911 call or a shriek. you're just staring up at the ceiling and feeling the house settle into your bones. you feel you are playacting as a wolf when you're only a sheep. not quite dry and not quite drowning.

over and over, you slog through the creek.

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it killed you to grow up there, in the dark like that, with nothing but the bones of your childhood. they punished every version of you that wasn't a god. forced sainthood into saturdays and now when you're out in the sun, your hands shake. your breathing puffing into cold mornings, alone in your room, wondering how you could be so broken and yet never have anyone notice the break.

in the dream of that house, you sometimes remember meals and silence and long hallways and your hand cramping over your homework. you sometimes remember the yelling or the limegreen falsehood veneer your parents could construct in the presence of guests. mostly you remember the way time seeped through you, dripped onto everything, how the words it'll get better felt like an arrow through your chest.

you would lay in bed and hope for death with the same fantasy air as romance, picturing a glorious coffin. sometimes you'd picture a dramatic end or a tragic illness that would sweep you away. but mostly you pictured some kind of strange miracle; that you'd go to sleep and simply never have to deal with that again.

when you got out, you had to burn the atmosphere to escape. these days you reside on another planet entirely: one bright and full of lights and color and friends and spice and laughter.

and still sometimes when people say summer, you still remember the back deck. you still remember building a castle. you still remember the birds. when you lay yourself down at night - some part of you still whispers about catacombs, and the dark, and the bones.

some version of you is still resting in that tomb, after all. some version of you will always see the outline of that place and say that's where we used to call home.

[cheesebagsblog]

There are two wolves that live inside me when it comes to my choice of books. One loves suspense and thriller and the other loves fluffy, smutty fiction. Both, however, love when the book is a little (a lot) gay.

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"𝕴 𝖜𝖆𝖘 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖓 𝖏𝖚𝖘𝖙 𝖆 𝖇𝖔𝖉𝖞 𝖎𝖓 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖕𝖆𝖘𝖘𝖊𝖓𝖌𝖊𝖗 𝖘𝖊𝖆𝖙

𝕬𝖓𝖉 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖜𝖊𝖗𝖊 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖓 𝖏𝖚𝖘𝖙 𝖘𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖇𝖔𝖉𝖞 𝕴 𝖜𝖆𝖘 𝖉𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖊𝖉 𝖙𝖔 𝖒𝖊𝖊𝖙"

-Sleep Token

I just received my Sleep Token Graphic novel, so in order to celebrate, I thought I'd share with you some art I made based on their iconic logo.

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fuuuuck that is my circus. are those…? yep… those are my monkeys….. goddammit.

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“if you cannot forgive, then don’t. you do not owe pain anything, you only owe yourself peace.”

— shelby leigh

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I confuse people. i have a happy personality and a sad soul. i'm bold but shy. i love deeply but sometimes i feel heartless. i'm healing and hurting at the same time. i'm dedicated to growth, but i self sabotage

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Trying out Procreate for the first time so I thought I'd do a sort of recreation of the artwork for one of my favorite ST songs.

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This is a collage I made to use as my phone background. (The black rectangles you see are just covering up personal photos.) I used some photos that I just liked the aesthetic of and some that have a personal meaning to me.

*None of these photos are my own and all credits for the images go to the original artists.*

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“I needed to be somewhere different. Maybe I needed to be someone different, too.”

— Heather Davis; The Clearing

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whenever i see another tiktok girlie talking about how she wishes to have been a fangirl in 2010s i feel like a seasoned veteran overhearing a foolish youngin boasting about wanting to go to war for glory and adventure. you naive little idiot. you know nothing. you understand nothing. you weren't there in the trenches. i have seen things, terrible things. i cannot plug in my phone charger at night without being plagued by the visions of Him

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These are my current computer screensavers. I designed these loosely based on some of my favorite YouTubers. Some of them are very obvious, while some of them are abstract. I don't know if anyone will like these, but I guess we'll see.

[cheesebagsblog]

These are my current computer screensavers. I designed these loosely based on some of my favorite YouTubers. Some of them are very obvious, while some of them are abstract. I don't know if anyone will like these, but I guess we'll see.

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Working on some classroom art for my sister. This is one variation of the name tags I'm making.

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Didn't spend a lot of time on this but I thought it still turned out okay

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Working on something random for a screensaver