chlessla-blog

[chlessla-blog]

Reasons

[chlessla-blog]

Omg who is she

[chlessla-blog]

Aw yiss

Didn't want to go to the gym. Rolled out, got dressed, and now I am here walking heck yeaaahhh! Good job me!

It isn't about going HAM, it is about doing more than the minimum.

Also I am thinking about starting a queer finance blog because reasons? It is an idea. Or maybe...just add it in here. Mix the shit in with workout notes! We confuse our readers LIKE MEN

[chlessla-blog]

Greetings

Trying again. Need to buff the eff up to punch the patriarchy straight in the taint. Also also, when I type patriarchy my phone suggests all caps. Apparently I feel a way. Anyway. Plan. Walk at gym five days a week. Lift bar on Monday. Squats on Wednesday. Deadlift on Friday. Increase weights as I feel like it. Yoga as cool down. Seems do able. Tuesday and Thursday, use the barbells for tricep behind the head thingie? Sounds reasonable.

[chlessla-blog]

I sobbed too. Humans are okay sometimes.

gosh but like we spent hundreds of years looking up at the stars and wondering “is there anybody out there” and hoping and guessing and imagining

because we as a species were so lonely and we wanted friends so bad, we wanted to meet other species and we wanted to talk to them and we wanted to learn from them and to stop being the only people in the universe

and we started realizing that things were maybe not going so good for us– we got scared that we were going to blow each other up, we got scared that we were going to break our planet permanently, we got scared that in a hundred years we were all going to be dead and gone and even if there were other people out there, we’d never get to meet them

and then

we built robots?

and we gave them names and we gave them brains made out of silicon and we pretended they were people and we told them hey you wanna go exploring, and of course they did, because we had made them in our own image

and maybe in a hundred years we won’t be around any more, maybe yeah the planet will be a mess and we’ll all be dead, and if other people come from the stars we won’t be around to meet them and say hi! how are you! we’re people, too! you’re not alone any more!, maybe we’ll be gone

but we built robots, who have beat-up hulls and metal brains, and who have names; and if the other people come and say, who were these people? what were they like?

the robots can say, when they made us, they called us discovery; they called us curiosity; they called us explorer; they called us spirit. they must have thought that was important.

and they told us to tell you hello.

[chlessla-blog]

#eathim

[chlessla-blog]

Captain's Log

The crew has grown restless...dare I even think mutiny? In order to calm the concerns and build my crew's spirits, we are traveling south to warm waters. We have a brief stay in a legendary port, with promises of an entire kitchen sink full of a frozen dairy concotion. There is also a merchant with a store of goods that can be seen nowhere else. I hope this can appease my crew. Tomorrow, we set sail for an incredible locale, with spoils that no one could imagine. I worry for my kitties and my crew forced to stay behind, but this venture I am growing to believe is nessicary.

[chlessla-blog]

Somehow, the songs from this show touch something inside me I didn't know was there. Fuck I love Archive 81

Here’s the song from Season 3, Episode 8 of Archive 81. If you’d like to download it, our music is available exclusively to our patrons: https://www.patreon.com/archive81

[chlessla-blog]

OH MY GOSH LOOK AT ITTTT

37 seconds of otter spooning train. Guaranteed to make you smile.

[chlessla-blog]

Honestly, same.

I’d listen to an entire spinoff podcast about Christine’s adventures at sea.

[chlessla-blog]

Damn it

So tryin to making a lifestyle change like a boss pack a healthy lunch and my gym bag

Get up. Don't wanna.

Go to the gym anyway. Fuck yeah!

Get to gym.

Realize I have forgotten said healthy lunch in fridge

[chlessla-blog]

Update

Massage chairs are excellent motivators. I am here on time to finish my workout on the excercise bike and get dat mechanical rub down. Ermahgerd. So awesome

[chlessla-blog]

What up

Doing thing. My back is killin me, but I am here. I have decided that my reward for getting up and going to the gym is sitting in the massage chair. The earlier I get here the more time I have in the chair. This seems like a good plan.

[chlessla-blog]

Check in

I am at the gym, doin the thing. I managed to talk myself into going by sitting on the standing bike and fucking around online. I figure it is better to be here and even half assin it on the bike than at home in bed. Some day this will be routine and fine but for now I am so tired and pissed off about it.

Someday I will be fit and healthy and this will be worth it. Until then, I will keep trying. It doesn't matter that I am here. It matters where I am going.

[chlessla-blog]

Whoops

So I deleted my Tumblr app in a fit of trying to be on social media less. That....uhh....that didn't work. All that happened is I don't update Tumblr. I have started going to the gym before for about a week.

I hate it. I hate it a lot. I know it is a good thing and it is the right thing to do but damn it! It is too early and I hate working out. I will do it though. I don't want to die of fat so I am gonna do it. I also want to look more masculine, so being fit is going to help with that.

I want to be better at my life, and this is gonna help. Ugh. I hate it but you gotta grind before you level up.

[chlessla-blog]

Self Care

I am starting to think my meds aren’t working anymore. The suicidal thoughts keep pounding at the medical barriers; before they were a quiet whisper occasionally heard in the night. Is it stress? Am I in a maelstrom of my world and is that causing this? Stress makes my meds work less efficiently, I know that, but what if this is the early warning signs that my meds aren’t working anymore they way they should? I have been having hardcore mood swings, mania followed by angry thoughts of death followed by intrusive self hatred thoughts. Am I bipolar? What is going on? What is happening to me?

I do not want to die or hurt myself, but that is all I can think about. I got into a fight with a friend and instead of being like, well, that happened, let’s work it out, I get, I DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE and that idiot soundbite over and over and over and over.

I am tired. So tired. I need to keep track of how often my brain wants to die, so I can tell my doctor.

Update: turns out my friend from work was stressing me out so damn bad that my meds weren't working. I want her to be happy but we are not friends anymore

[chlessla-blog]

Update day three

Ate much much better. Didn't work out, but hit my step and water goal. I think I will up my water goal. 75 oz is something I am hitting consistently, and I want to get to 120 oz eventually. I will do that today. 96 oz of water here I come whoooo! Gonna pee like a mofo. I did sweat a lot yesterday. My work does a volunteer children's carnival at a kid's hospital once a month, and the mascot for our kid's accounts shows up. I have done it a couple of times and so therefore I am their go-to when no one else will do it. I am not a furry, but damn, anyone who yiffs has got to just be crazy dehydrated. Standing in a fur suit makes me wanna die, much less any energetic nonsense. I got home and PP and I did manage to have sex. This is incredible for two reasons. First: my partner broke his spine in the service, and short bursts of walking cause him crazy amounts of pain. We don't get to have sex. He has FINALLY after almost ten years gotten a doctor to take him seriously, and gotten a surgery to correct some of the pain. This is the first indication that this has worked! He might be on a path to a more fulfilling life, and I am super excited for my partner to be happier and healthier. Two: His penis makes me feel good and endorphins are a great way to get rid of stress for real.