chroniclelyn

[chroniclelyn]

Stigma

I think I’ve prolonged this entry long enough. This one is going to be hard for me but I told myself I’d be completely transparent on this journey. So, lets talk about the elephant in the room. A Major stigma in the black community..... my dirty little secret is finally out!!!!

I’ve always been the strong friend, you know the one no one ever checks on, that’s me. The one that seemingly had I️t all together. Until one day, I completely lost I️t. My world imploded. I’ve always felt less than to my counterparts and I’m not completely sure why. I felt like I should be better, doing better, more successful, as far back as I can remember. Constantly comparing myself to others, from middle school, to high school, and into adult hood. I think everyone does this but for me I️t was different. I was worried sick about what people thought about me. About why such and such didn’t want to be my friend anymore. About why my body didn’t look like everyone else’s. Etc. etc. and so on and so on.

My world imploded probably about 5-6 years ago. I️t wasn’t one particular situation. I think I️t was just several situations that I didn’t deal with, and slowly my cup runneth over. I had this feeling of extreme hopelessness. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I even thought my friends and family would be better off if I wasn’t around. I knew I️t was bad when I called out from work (which is something I DON’T DO). I lay in bed for 5 days. I slept for 5 days. I cried for 5 days. I cried hysterically. IDK if I️t had anything to do with being a nurse or not. As a nurse I often had to take on everyone’s emotions and make I️t better, not leaving time to deal with my own shit.

I didn’t really tell anyone. In the beginning I only leaned on my best friend but even then I wasn’t 100% truthful about what/how I was feeling. I had gotten so use to basically lying to everyone. Even my closes family and friends. I was a professional at I️t too. I continued to be the life of the party at every holiday, get together etc. Once I got back home I would sink again. I even had a boyfriend at the time who thought I was “faking”. He’d say one minute your sad, then someone will call and your voice and everything changes. He didn’t understand the STIGMA. He didn’t understand that I was really good at hiding I️t because I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. In the black community the STIGMA is looked down upon as weakness. I was even told I️t was Satan/Devil.

Depression is real. I️t physically hurts. I️t mentally hurts. Your spirit is dying right before your eyes and you can’t control I️t. What’s crazy is the pain I felt. I️t’s like a pain I’d never experienced. I️t was crippling. The thoughts were painful too. I wanted to die. I had thoughts about suicide but I wasn’t brave enough to take a bunch or pills, slit my wrist, didn’t have access to a gun. When I finally reached out to family, my old school mother told me to pray and I️t would go away. I’d been praying for YEARS with no relief so my prayers changed. I started to pray about car accidents that would end my life. I had prayers about running my car into a brick wall. I mean pedal to the metal crash. I was gonna floor I️t. Let’s not forget the 18 wheeler please take me out prayer. It’s sick and twisted but what people who have never experienced I️t don’t understand, I wasn’t Lynsey at this point. I was a person I didnt even know. I was no longer that bright light in several peoples lives. I was a soulless shell. I begged my creator to take this pain away and if that meant me dying I was completely fine with that. I honestly thought I was going to have to live like that forever, for me that wasn’t an option. I️t was exhausting.

One day I got up the strength to go to the doctor. I complained about “chest pain”. I was still lying. I did have chest pain but I knew what I️t was and I knew why I was having them. I had anxiety on top of depression. So initially I was prescribed Xanax 0.25 mg to relieve the anxiety. The chest pain would be so bad that I️t would take my breath away. I would have to stop what I was doing and go to quiet place, a dark place for relief. I’d close my eyes, take deep breaths and muster through. Anyway, that damn Xanax didn’t fix the problem because the problem was depression coupled with anxiety. At my follow up appointment with my doctor I let a little more out. Told him I was really sad and I didnt know why. The next prescribtion came. Celexa 25 mg once a day. I knew I️t would take 4-6 weeks for the medication to take affect, so I tried to be patient and wait. Y’all I still felt like a hopeless blob. I called the doctor for another appointment. The receptionist asked me what was wrong. I blurted out I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. I DON’T CARE ABOUT LIFE. Got an appointment the next day. Yet another prescription Wellbutrin XR 30 mg for two weeks then increase to 60 mg a day. Waiting another 4-6 weeks.The doctor assured me everything was gonna be fine. That this happens to a lot of people, and I’d feel better. Now looking back I wish my doctor would have done more. I was never referred to anyone. I was kinda rushed out of the door and told to throw pills down my throat. Things could have turned out drastically different for me. Things could have turned out for the worse.

So I took all the medications I was prescribed for about 6 months to a year. THAT SHIT DIDN’T WORK Y’ALL. So I stopped cold turkey and found what little strength I had left to dig myself out. I started to work out. I starting working out twice a day. Challaging work outs. Weight training, Cycle, Bootcamp. Slowly my body started to change, my spirit started to heal. I was surprised at my strength and my will. I put my all into I️t. All the anger, all the grief. No matter how hard my work out was I didnt quit. No matter how heavy the weights were I finished the set. My diet started to change. I went hard in all aspects. Eventually, all the pain I felt went away. All the crazy thought diminished. I felt better. I felt like Lynsey Alyssa Carroll again. I cut people off who weren’t benefiting my life. I changed my thinking. IDGAF about much now. If its not my health, if its not concerning my friends or family I don’t care. I’ve changed jobs several times since then. If I’m not happy with something I let I️t go. I started to become different. The person I was meant to be. I didnt care if I️t wasn’t cookie cutter. I wore my hair how I wanted. I dressed how I wanted. I wore dark lipstick all year round lol. I’ve big chopped my hair 3 times. I didn’t have a problem standing out in a crowd. I was satisfied with not blending in. I enjoyed the simplest things, they seem to bring me the most joy. Flowers, music, painting, laughing until I cried, creating. I started doing things I didnt think I could do and once I accomplished them I felt unstoppable. (You guys, I don’t work out like I use to anymore and I miss I️t so much, saving that for another entry).

What I think really got me through was knowing my family would never be the same with out me. The thoughts of not hearing my niece and nephew scream my name when I come over. The strength that I often gave to others. The laughs would have been different at get togethers, and the conversations would have changed. The thoughts of my mother getting that call that I was gone was too much to bear. That lady is my everything and I couldn’t hurt her like that.

I know I’m not the easiest person to love but loving me is so good lol. I know I’m not a lot of peoples cup of tea. But I am who I am and I wouldn’t change anything about me for the world. I just want to thank my best friends and family for never judging me. For continuing to support me. For encouraging me in my darkest hours. For having my back through thick and thin. I LOVE YALL MORE THAN IMAGINABLE. YALL THE REAL MVP!!!!!!!

I still have my days when I feel a little down but I’m here. I’m alive. I’m living.

[chroniclelyn]

To Have and to Hold

So I have some close friend and followers who are in there late 20’s-mid 30’s with no kids, who aren’t married, and some are not in serious relationships. I just wanted some thoughts on the subject. Are you worried about your biological clock? Did you think your life would be different? What struggles have you had with dating? Any other thoughts are welcomed. Men and women, mine are as followed.......

I really thought my life would be different in many ways than one. I thought I’d be married with kids by now but it didn’t really work out that way. I often worry that by the time I meet someone and we decide to make those steps to settle down and get married that I will be too old to have children. I am kind of old fashion in the sense I want to be married before I start a family. Some days I have several feelings about the subject but then on other days I really can’t imagine being someone’s mother. Not because I’m immature or financially unstable. Just the thought of having to take care of a little brown human in today’s society scares the crap out of me. I also enjoy doing my own thing. I’ve gotten to travel to a lot of great places, experience a lot of great things that I know I wouldn’t haven’t gotten too if I had had children at an earlier age. Mostly I’m ready because I’m 33 and quite honestly I’m ready to settle down.

Now onto the topic of dating. LORD LORD LORD. What can I say? I have dated fixer uppers who lacked the self esteem to get up and want better for themselves. I have dated the know it all. I have dated the know nothing. And recently I dated someone who was seen as the total package, and in that situation I was completely blind sided when some things came to light. Men, partially black men,are a hard case to crack (but I keep trying cause I love y’all sexy asses). I believe every relationship with the opposite sex, platonic, seriously dating, even friends with benefits is a learning experience. The dating scene in RVA is lacking based on my experience and the experience of my friends.

On to me. I am by no means perfect. But I am who I am. I’m smart, funny, independent. Ive been told I can be a little to strong willed and independent but I’ve been on my own for over a decade. Most of those years without a mate. So yes I am extremely independent, its really not an option to not be. If I don’t do for myself then who will. I enjoy things that the average woman wouldn’t. My friends would describe me as crazy lol (in a good way) or different(hell I’m weird and I DON’T CARE),often without a filter. I have good credit, a career, I’m kinda a tomboy, and I’m a homeowner(purchased my house before I was 25). I’m all about action, adventure, and spontaneity(life is short, you only get one, why not do the craziest things you’ve always wanted to do). I do my own home repairs and renovations without fear. I often jump head first into things without a thought, I like to live in the moment and be a free spirit. I think I’m kinda cute. I’m chubby but hey more cushion for the pushing and I clean up nicely. With all that being said, I’m still single. And so are a lot of my friends who are just like me. Beautiful, smart, have a career, goal-orientated. But single, without kids or a serious relationship/marriage.

Sadly, in society there is a stigma that if you do not have children in you mid 30’s there may be something wrong with you. One situation that stood out to me several years ago at my moms retirement party. I attended middle school and high school with one of her co workers. Hadn’t seen her in years. so we proceed to talk and catch up. The regular degular jargon of a conversation. What have you been up too? How have you been? Then it happened she asked me about when I have planned on having children, and why I didn’t have any. I was in my early 20’s, that was the last thing on my mind. Then she kinda looked at me in disgust as if something was wrong with me. Meanwhile, whole time, she had about 5-6 kids by a few different guys. Now I try not to judge anybody and I honestly felt like she believed her situation to be the norm. But that’s just not MY life. This situation has happened to me to many times to count, and its very offending. What if I had fertility issues? What if I had just had a miscarriage? What if I just simply didn’t want kids? All of which are not the case. People tend to be insensitive towards the issue. I do want kids and often times the worry consumes me. At this point I’m not willing to bend on my beliefs about starting a family. I have considered adoption, fostering and the sperm bank. I just want to go about it the traditional way. And I already know what some people are gonna say. It will happen. You still have time. I really don’t want to hear all that. If your not currently in this situation you really don’t know how it feels.

In closing, all I can do is remain spiritual knowing that’s what for me will eventually be for me.