chunkypandar

[chunkypandar]

Turning 30

It has been quite some time since I last posted.  I apologize but I have not had a lot to write about.  My weight loss journey has taken a bit of a turn, I am currently hovering around 300 Lbs with the plan of getting under and staying under.  i’m having trouble with motivation to work out and having trouble eating what i’m not supposed to eat. (damn tacos).  I think turning 30 has hit me funny and I guess I can talk about that today.

I am coming to grips with my own mortality and realizing that I’m not the invincible “boy” that I used to be.  My body cannot take the beating that it once could while playing sports or doing “extreme” activities.  On Sunday I decided to go snowboarding with my best friend Pete and I was so excited! we got our gear, passes and got onto the lift.  My heart was racing!  The last time I snowboarded was when I was a Teenager with the family!  I was very nervous coming off of the lift as I always fall, but this time... no fall and I made it to flat ground! and then I fell when i threw my arms up in celebration.

Boots in the Bindings, tightened my gloves and I prepped myself for my short journey down the slope.  Didn’t do too bad the first few times.  then one run I picked up enough speed to scare the daylights out of me. Saw an ice patch, put too much weight on my back foot and leaned back and went flying.  Slammed my head and my back on the next sheet of ice and was a little dazed.  Now younger me would have gotten up and brushed it off no issues and would have continued down the mountain.  I had to hang out for a second, catch my breath and will myself up after this hit.  I finished the run and went on another one but that was it, my night was over.

All I could think of on the ride home while my head was pounding, was my sister saying “You need to be in shape for something like snowboarding.” and my witty response “ I am in shape, I’m round.”  I hate to admit it but she was right.  Getting older is no joke and I know many people who are older than me can sympathize.  But I never, in all of my life would have ever thought that I would say I was too old to do something.  

I mean I still won’t but I’ll be better prepared for the next time I go. HAHA!

Getting older sucks but hopefully I can pass on some knowledge that I gain along the way.

And before I leave.

E-A-G-L-E-S

EAGLES!!!!

[chunkypandar]

Most of you have already seen these photos mainly because we blasted them all over Facebook.  But here is the significance.  1 year ago I wouldn’t have been able to even play.  I was so out of shape, I would play like a lazy lazy lump that I was.  This summer I was asked to play with Infamy Extreme in a 5 man tournament and I had a blast!  We may not have won but we had a hell of a showing.  For a team that never practiced with one another, our communication was extremely (pun) on point.  Results don’t always go as planned but that’s paintball.

To describe the feeling of playing paintball isn’t difficult.  It’s just like any other sport.  Its terrifying at first I won’t lie. But the more you do it, the less chaotic it becomes.  There is no other feeling like the 5 seconds before the buzzer goes off.  Sometimes paintballs wizzing by your face can scare the hell out of you, sometimes finding an enemy player in a bunker that you thought was empty can scare the hell out of you too.  The greatest feeling you can get out of paintball is shooting someone out, and watching them walk off angry that you shot them.

My fitness level is by no means perfect.  I still have my belly. I still cramp up because I don’t hydrate as well as I should.  My cardio is much better than it used to be. But I am playing to the best of my ability.  I’m not taking breaks during the game, I’m alert and communicating with my teammates, but most of all, I am playing!

next on the paintball agenda, is taking home a medal. preferably a 1st place medal.

PLEASE let me know if you would like to come play with me and my friends!  Once a month we go out to Outdoor Xtreme Hatfield and have ourselves a fun time!  Come out and shoot people with us!!!!!!

[chunkypandar]

Chester

I haven’t had much to say lately and I have been struggling with my writing for quite some time. I would create something, hate it and not finish it. I would leave it by itself as just words and an incomplete thought.  And then I found out one of my favorite voices in music passed away.  Lots of emotions hit me. Growing up I would listen to Linkin Park almost religiously as young teen.  It’s funny because my late grandfather bought me Hybrid theory while we were visiting their home in Maryland and I was hooked ever since.  Linkin Park, helped me get alot of emotion out of my system.  I wasn’t listening to the lyrics, I was feeling how much energy was put into each song and how I could relate to that level of energy.  I’m listening now, Chester.  It was no secret that Chester had his demons.  He was very public about them.  He put them in his lyrics to share with the world and people loved him for it.  I just can’t believe he ended it the way he did leaving his family behind. I am not condoning what Chester did.  I wish there was something that someone could do to help him.  Sometimes there isn’t.  I hope that anyone reading this and is going through a tough time can find help or at least talk to someone. 

Here is the Number for the Suicide hotline:

1-800-273-8255

Someone will be listening!  Someone will always be listening.

[chunkypandar]

What’s your favorite memory?  Is it food, a vacation, an injury, a birthday, your first crush, you wedding day?  Why is it significant?

I would like to share mine.

For as long as I can remember, My grandfather was always there for me and my family.  We grandchildren knew him simply as “Lolo”.  Lolo never let us go hungry (as you can tell from my physique).  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, 2nd breakfast you name it, he was cooking.  I remember the first time that he cooked me French Toast.  eggs, Milk, vanilla, cinnamon and bread.  Simple right? He had me mix all of the ingredients for him and stood over me as I did it to make sure all of the cinnamon was mixed in. We took out a whole stack Strohman’s white bread, heated the pan and threw down some butter. once the butter was melted, we dipped the bread in the mixture and laid it out on the pan and flipped it when it was done.  The rest is history. Lolo would go on and teach me how to cook other things, like cream chipped beef, pancakes, chicken curry, grits, crabs, Soft shell crabs, etc.  My love of food comes from him.

This past year has been rough. He passed away January 10th 2016.  It still feels like he’s with us, like we can pick up the phone and call him or skype with him.  He is physically gone, which is the tough part, but it is comforting that we feel like he’s with us.  Its because he’ll never be gone. Not a day goes by that we aren’t reminded of him.  I can’t step into a Mcdonald’s without remembering how my Lolo fought management about Liza and I not getting our food fast enough, or play a sport without hearing him cheer for us every time we did something good, or his chuckle when we did something wrong.  I remember him most when a Bruce Lee Kung fu movie comes on and the voices don’t match up with the lips.

We will continue to celebrate your life and the lessons that you taught.  We will remember you laughing, happy, playing with us, and cooking for us.  What I would give for one more hug...

Lolo, you are and always will be our greatest memory. We love you and miss you.

[chunkypandar]

Here it is! I have honestly been putting this off today because I was afraid of the result. Today is my 3 month mark on my one year goal to lose 100lbs. So in these 3 months, I have had my ups and downs. I think food has been a real problem for me trying to find a good balanced diet and finding a workout routine. It hasn't been easy and I know I am going to plateau soon but this is a promising start! I weighed 345lbs on september 9th. I am ecstatic right now! I want to send a huge shoutout to Outdoor Xtreme Hatfield. The teams, staff, and customers have really been pushing me physically the past month and a half. You saw how loose my pants were in my last video! This is only the beginning! Thanks for reading!

[chunkypandar]

This will be a long post, but the end will be worth it, PLEASE do not skip ahead! Here are a few pictures from after my team was eliminated from the paintball tournament this afternoon. Olivia is a new paintball player and her father Billy is a close friend and teammate of mine. Today was her second day playing and nothing makes me happier then seeing a parent teaching their child how to play! Welcome Olivia and we hope to see you out on the field soon!

So today was my first ever paintball tournament! It did not go as planned today but there were plenty of positives to go around. Still had alot of fun and learned more from watching the experienced teams play. Lots of people ask me why I play paintball. And the most common question that I get is, “Does getting hit with a paintball hurt?” The answer is always going to be, “Yes.” But that is not the reason that I continue to play. I was an athlete in high school growing up. I played football, basketball, lacrosse and did field events for the track team. I loved being apart of a team! While I was in college, my uncle Lawrence took me to my first paintball experience at Poco Loco and from the very first whistle, I fell in love with the game. I’ll be honest, I enjoyed shooting people. Fast forward to my best friend’s bachelor party at Lehigh Valley Paintball where we had our own private group and ran around like idiots trying to protect Pete from a hoarde of random players. Little did I know that day, that LVP would become a home away from home just 2 years later as one of the field’s referees.

Today I took a little time to reflect on the past few years and how much I have grown mentally, emotionally, and yes of course physically. There was a period of time in my life where I felt lost. (Sometimes, still do.) And Paintball was there to pick me up. It wasn’t just shooting people, it was the sense of comradre, team work, and coming together to achieve an objective. It was like being apart of a team again. The sport of paintball gave that back to me.

So why do I continue to play?

As an athlete you set goals for yourself. “I’m scoring a touchdown today, I’m going to run .5 seconds faster this lap, or I will not let my man score another basket.” Its the same thing for me with paintball. I want to be the best paintball player that I can be. Run faster, shoot more accurate….don’t get shot…as much. In the past I was the laziest player imaginable. I was simply walk to my bunker and stay in one spot the whole game and not really challenge myself. I was out of shape, lazy, and complacent on being one if those “meh” players.

With a personal goal of losing 100lbs in one year and absolutely hating exercise, I challenged myself to be a more productive and active paintball player. And I cannot tell you how good it feels to cross off a few of my personal physical goals today. Not once was did I cramp up while playing today. And I gave 110%. No side stitches, no calf cramps, no quad cramps. I’m sore as hell, but am I ecstatic with own personal progress. I am less nervous about my 3 month mark into my journey. Mainly because none of my clothes fit!

Thank you so much for letting me be passionate about this sport and thank you for reading!

Proof my clothes don’t fit anymore. My paintball pants are 3XL. And they’re falling off of me.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0wS22xwcZxNc0FPcmNLV2ZIZlNJRENvQndzRVlBeUxVR2dr/view?usp=drivesdk

Told you reading this post would be worth it!

- 🐼

[chunkypandar]

Today’s inner fat kid.

So I may update this a little more with “Today’s inner fat person.  Basically letting you know how I feel throughout my day and what it’s like to be in my head when i’m hungry but trying to be good about what I eat.

Bear with me, I’m random as hell.

So I forgot my lunch a few days ago and was searching for something to eat in the office.  All I had was water, Coca-cola, candy, and coffee.  Not the most ideal situation.  I was talking back and forth with my friend Amy, who was having issues with her inner fat kid too.

AMY:

“So I started my workout and diet. fat amy wants general tso and diet brain is fighting with fat brain because diet brain is yelling at fat brain for getting us in this mess” 

If this doesn’t sum up what I’m feeling then I don’t know what does.

“I have 400 cal lunch packed that will fill me up and i might not eat it all but nooooooooooo fat brain wants Chinese food”

LORNE:

“hahaha i really just want soup,maybe noodles”

AMY:

“ugh now i want pho”

Ladies and Gents I give you Amy’s inner fat kid.

Amy, if you’re reading this, thank you for being such a positive sound board this past week.  Its been a little tough wrapping my head around a few issues recently and you’ve been a complete rock star!

Until next time!

[chunkypandar]

3 months in

Next week Friday will be my three month mark dieting and excercising. I personally don't see much of a difference but I definately feel different! Before and after pictures to come soon. Hopefully I made some progress!

[chunkypandar]

I've been struggling with the results of my progress in this journey. Today I felt like I have made progress and it was literally three sounds that put me in the best of moods! It was the sound of my painbtall pants zipper to the top, and the two buttons snapping into place without me trying to hold my breath and "suck in my gut". The rest of day was a breeze with the paintball family a guy could have! Thanks for reading!! 🐼

[chunkypandar]

CHALLENGES

Looking for mini work out challenges! I work in an office and I have been feeling all sorts of lathargic lately. Show me what you want me to do and I will send a video back attempting whats you're doing!

[chunkypandar]

Ladies and gents I present to you the food porn of the past two weeks. I swear im trying to be good!! With all of this wonderful food that I have eaten I am definitely feeling the sludge in the body. Next week I plan on working all of this off and I hope we can all do this together! My snapchat name is Pandar87. Send me your workouts! I am competative as hell and would love some workout challenges! Hope everyone has a great Sunday! Go Birds!!! -🐼

[chunkypandar]

FALLING.

So the past two weeks I have been stalling on writing about what needed to be said. I have gone on a food frenzy. I was doing really well and then I just kept eating. Oh, it was bad. I will make no excuses. The funny thing about the past two weeks though, I knew I was cheating, I knew I would regret it in the morning but I just kept eating and eating. I hated myself after I ate and I hated myself in the morning looking in the mirror. I guess I got lazy about making my food. I haven't done a good job giving myself a variety of foods to eat so I got bored and lazy. I also haven't been feeling like myself lately. I have these short lapses in my day where I zone out or dont get off the couch. I think of the worst outcomes of my life and I dwell on it until it consumes me. I guess it started two weeks ago when I got back into online dating. Technically I never left, but I deleted the apps because I kept logging in to see either empty inboxes or replies explaing "I'm so sorry im not a chubby chaser" or "I don't date fat guys". Fat. Chubby. Your eyes tend to dart to these words almost immediately. Once those words are seen, do you really need to read the rest of the message? First impressions are everything. I get it. People have their preferences. I get that too. Dating today is cruel. The millennial generation has information at its finger tips and if they don't get what they want they'll run or throw in the discard pile. I am by no means the perfect catch. I'm not a millionare, I do not have the body of a Spartan and I'm a work in progress. But don't judge me soley based on my appearance. New plans moving forward, I'm going to try and cook more on the weekends to get my weekly meals prepared. I want to join a gym. Planet fitness seems to be the most popular. Winter is coming. Need to get in shape to repel some white walkers! Wedding for my buddy John Smith mid November so thats something to look forward to and get ready for! Thanks for reading! - 🐼

[chunkypandar]

One week update/goals

So relatively short entry today. This past week has been uplifting! The amount of support I received from my first post was overwhelming. I know throughout the years I have always had my family’s support. It was amazing to see how many other people got behind me and want to see me succeed. This post will be about my goals for the upcoming year.

1. I want to lose at least 100lbs before I turn 30. Some people have told me to start small and start with reasonable goals like losing 5lbs a month or just concentrate on being healthier. And I say go big or go home!

I’m choosing to start off slow by changing my eating habits. I havent had many carbs this past week. But for the most part it has been veggies, fruits, and alot of baked chicken. By the way, brussel sprouts are amazing when cooked with bacon.

Im sorry Ryan, but im also giving up beer for a while. I’ll have a celebratory drink here and there but im sticking to red wine for now.

2. I want to get rid of this CPAP machine. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea my sophomore year of college. Since then I have had to sleep with a machine that keeps my air way open so I do not stop breathing. When tested, I stopped breathing 111 times in one night. Thats 111 possible times that I could have lost my life. If you’re familiar with the late, great Reggie White, that is how he died. It is caused by this little flap over your windpipe that shuts irregularly when the muscles in your throat relax and contract while you sleep. Obesity is just one condition that contributes to the diagnoses. Hopefully when I lose the weight, I can lose this “anchor” that has controled a large part of my life.

3. I want to be able to run one these fun races. I did this thing called the ROC race (Ridiculous Obstacle Course) in Philly in 2012. I shit you not my legs cramped up within the first sprint to the first obstacle. Extremely embarrassing to have people just stare at you as you start to slow down to a walk and you’re the last person in that group to finish obstacles. I thank all of my friends that pushed me that day to finish. I thought about quitting multiple times but you guys kept me going!

So those are my goals so far for the next year. I’m bound to update them during the course of the year.

I have a favor to ask! I need some recipes for healthy eating. Limiting carbs, eating good fats, some quick and easy things that I can put together while at home. Very heavy into chicken right now, but would love to see fish and pork dishes. Also snack foods! Need some things during the day to help slow tge appetite. Laura, those peanut butter cookies were amazing!!! Defintely making them again soon!

Thanks for reading everyone and as always, thank you for your support!

- Panda

[chunkypandar]

Welcome readers! I hope you can stay with me for this one. I have had the absolute worst anxiety with figuring out what to write about in my first entry. Do I go with sad? Happy? Or just ramlbe about nonsense?

How about we start off with the day I realized that I wanted to become healthier.

These are my most recent pictures from one of my best friend’s wedding. Amazing, right? Absolutely gorgeous ceremony and reception. One that I will always remember. Great friends, great trips down memory lane, and a glimpse of the future yet to come.

I remember my friend Mike asking me to stand with him as he took the next step of his life. I was ecstatic and just honored that he would even ask me! I was so excited for them! And then it dawned on me. The Pictures. Everyone I know is going to see me in these pictures and how fat I have become since collge.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have always been fat. I just played it off like it didnt bother me or I would make jokes so people would laugh WITH me and not at me. I have always been insecure about my weight. Have you ever seen a picture of me without a shirt on? Nope. Won’t happen.

I hit my lowest point this year at Mike’s tux fitting. I tried not to show it, but I was actually crying while trying on the samples. Looking at the tag on the shirt and seeing four X’s before the L was devastating. How could I have let myself go? How did I not notice this? How do I come back from this? I promised myself that I would lose weight for the wedding. I would start to exercise more and eat right just for these pictures. But Did I? No. No I actually started to eat my sadness.

The wedding came and went in the blink of an eye. It was the perfext wedding. But all I kept thinking about were the pictures. Shana/Mike, you guys chose the best photographers. They were perfect! Every essence of happiness was captured from that night. But they also captured how awful I felt about myself. I hid my tears the best that I could. Every mirror I walked by, every camera that I saw pointed at me, I just wanted to disappear. That entire day was not about me, it was about the groom and bride. It was about two families coming together as one. And I apologoze for being selfish and internally making it about me. I really do apologize. But that is the day, that I hated myself most. We all hit rock bottom at some point. What was supposed to be one of the happiest days of this summer, was also my saddest.