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cinnitroll-blog · 6 years ago

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Okay, so here’s the thing:

So I found this song and it made me think about a friendship break up I recently had with someone who was very close to me and...well, it made me think about a few things and why I’m personally glad I cut it off?

• she made me her personal DIY project. I constantly felt worthless like I needed to be “fixed”—there was no end to her shoving opinions down my throat.

•she blamed me for everything and I actually believed her after a while.

•she didn’t respect the progress I was making—it was slow but I was getting there and I thought she was proud of me.

•she wouldnt let me share things that made me excited or happy or inspired even though I let her share everything that made her happy.

•she never came to me when she had a problem with me; instead, gossiping about me to her college friends and badmouthing me on the internet when she could have easily asked me about stuff to my face.

• she’d constantly make boundaries and walls; slowly cutting me off instead of actually trying to fix our relationship problems.

•she had the need to fight me at literally anything not poc or LGBTQ when I had no problem with her being a lesbian or a white-Indian mix (genetics and are actually really cool and I’m still learning about LGBTQ culture but there’s not a lot of it here up in the mid-west) when I specifically told her that I just wanted to learn about the subject or get to know someone past their skin color or sexuality because someone’s inner thoughts, quirks, personalities, memories, and emotions are what is most attractive and human to me—I want to know people on a deeper level. Phychology excites me (similarly how skin color and sexuality excited her). However, I never said ‘I don’t care about this’ or ‘this doesn’t exist’—why in the world would I make an effort to learn about something I didn’t aknowlege or care about????

• she became very disrespectful and gaslighted me multiple times (one thing she did was that she constantly lectured me like I was some brainless two year old who couldn’t think for myself...I mean, I understand she has her opinions and I never once expected her to change them for me but I also have valid reasons for believing what I believe and I’m not just going to change my entire thinking around and follow the crowd at the drop of a fucking hat just because it’s ‘the popular opinion’). Maybe people just need to make an enemy out of someone in order to get over them though...still, Not cool.

Ugh. Anyway, that’s all. Sorry for the rant I’m just frustrated because 8 years of friendship just gone—like that! And it feels like I just gave up or like the entire thing was a waste of time (I let her do these things to me for 7 MONTHS after all) because it literally amounted to nothing after so many years of trust and memories. I kinda feel relieved though? I mean, it’s definitely still a bad thing that happened and it definitely still hurts but I actually feel more relaxed and sure of myself than I did when I was with her. Which is really weird because as an aero-ace I tend to put my friendships up on pedestals and sort of ‘worship’ them in some odd, dramatic sense. But I also know when someone’s becoming toxic and when it’s time to cut people out. I don’t like it but Im tired of being depressed and letting people use and manipulate me...so yeah. I’m done. I’m sorry but I’m done.

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