citrucentric

[citrucentric]

Mangosteen

Number one. They’re from southeast Asia, particularly Thailand. So outrageously divine in taste and mouth feel that they are reportedly known as the “Queen of Fruits”, which just makes me want a fruit dating sim more than I already did. Number two, they were banned in the United States up until 2007 out of fear that they’d contain fruit flies, and now they have to be yawn yawn yawn who gives a shit.

Okay. So here’s the thing. Everyone who’s talked to me about this fruit or written about it drones on and on about how good it tastes and how amazing it is. And, like, cool. Okay. But does that do anything for me if I can’t eat the thing? No. We have manufactured a scenario in which I am Queen Victoria desperately pleading my subjects to bring me this foreign delicacy and you all are sadly shaking your heads at me and going “That’s not going to happen, sorry. But man, you are hardcore missing out.”

So I’m executing you all.

If all I can do is look at it, then I’m going to god damn look. So let’s discuss. Does this look like the fruit of the gods, so devastatingly good it makes royals weep tears of yearning? No. It looks like a chunk of garlic shoved into a rotten plum. This is garlic. You are selling me garlic and telling me it’s ambrosia.

Is garlic good? You know it fucking is. But you know what it’s not? A fruit. So let’s see if we can get this roller coaster ride back on track. You know who loves garlic? Vampires. Right? Right. That’s why they’re all so edgy and depressed, because they too are Queen Victoria kept away from their single solace by virtue of the natural shelf life of a fruit and also deathly allergies.

I don’t think I talk nearly enough about vampires for how much I get paid (nothing). I know the whole Twilight craze made a lot of people sour on them for a while, but honestly go fuck yourselves if you think vampires aren’t still the hottest shit ever created. What, you’re telling me you don’t want a Victorian corpse man to corner you in a dark alley and talk about his existential angst at length before draining you of your life force and leaving you in a crumpled heap to resurrected again as a sexy immortal? You don’t even want to be a sexy immortal? God. Couldn’t be me.

There are a lot of good vampires. There are also a lot of stupid and annoying vampires. Honestly, it’d probably be more fun to talk about those, but my “top ten worst vampires of all time” list will have to wait because I’m already two images in and I could write three pages on my visceral hatred for Edward Cullen specifically. So here’s my top five.

1. Lestat de Lioncourt is unmistakably the sexiest fictional character of all time. Now, let’s not get this confused; this isn’t about any actor, be it Tom Cruise or whoever the fuck -- and it definitely isn’t about Stuart Townsend. Lestat as a character could make any actor attractive. It’s simply in his nature. I mean, he’s referred to as “The Brat Prince”. So straight out of the gate, anyone who knows me has suddenly figured out where I got the 45% of my personality they weren’t quite sure about. I am not ashamed. Moving on.

2. Damon Salvatore from Vampire Diaries. The books, not the show. Let’s avoid that topic. Damon is, regrettably, fantastic. For a stereotypical YA love triangle bad boy character, Damon’s personality is surprisingly well rounded. He’s a genuine bastard, but as the series goes on you realize there’s more good in him than he’s willing to admit, which is always an excellent setup. Also, daddy issues? In my vampires? It’s more likely than you think.

3. Now, I’m hesitant to put the same movie on this list twice and reveal just a little bit too much about my mental backdrop. But Claudia from Interview with the Vampire is just an altogether fantastically written character. She’s so compelling, tragic, and real. She’s the quintessential child vampire. You can’t write or talk about immortal babies without remembering her. Her problems really resonated with me as a child (though I personally would have been fine with staying young forever) and her death seriously affects me to this day. Really, she should be number one on this list. But she’s not, because I have problems.

4. Moving on to less high value vampire media. Is Blush Blush a good game? No. Is Stirling a good character? Maybe, if literally anyone else created him. But he is an ice skating vampire with a sparkly cape and tight pants, and I have a thing for scales.

5. Julius from Fire Emblem 4 Genealogy of the Holy War. Did you know Julius Fire Emblem is canonically a vampire? Well, for as 'canon' as a random novelization not even listed on the wiki is. I’m a little hesitant about this one cause the single piece of material containing this bizarre trait also sexualized him a lot more than I’m comfortable with considering his age (the proper amount would be zero, if you’re curious) but I just think it’s neat that the weird gremlin prince who’s 96% evil dragon also happens to eat people.

And that’s all the time we have for today. Don’t think I’ve forgotten what this article was about, of course. This smelly bulb of garlic needs a rating. And yet, I feel we are no closer to unlocking its secrets.

Vampires: 10/10 Mangosteen: 2/10 do better next time

[citrucentric]

Cranberry

The ideal Holmes is tall and dark with sharp edges and an intelligent look to him, but also posh and with a sense that you could fold him into origami if you really tried. Dresses well, but wouldn’t look out of place sprawled dramatically over a couch in a dressing gown with a pipe and surrounded by drug paraphernalia. Once made a pillow fort and sat in it to think. Caught somewhere between handsome, pretty, and weird looking. Emphasis can be on any of the three. CANNOT have facial hair.

Holmes Adaptations

S-Tier

Miss Sherlock (Yuko Takeuchi) - 95%

You’ll notice, of course, that nowhere in the earlier description did I say Holmes needed to be white, a man, or even human. None of those qualifiers or the lack-thereof prevent someone from looking the part -- it simply becomes necessary to compare them to the characters around them. And when I picture a female Sherlock Holmes, Yuko Takeuchi embodies the exact image in my mind. Her sharp edges, piercing eyes, and impeccable fashion, along with the powerful weird energy she brings to the role, fit Sherlock perfectly. She does look more than a bit like she could kick my ass, but more in the manner she dominates the room, which is perfect for the character.

Sherlock Holmes (Jeremy Brett) - 85%

I haven’t watched this adaptation, though I’ve been meaning to get around to it. So this ranking is based solely on screenshots and promotional images. And honestly, as ugly as i find this guy, he totally nails it. He even kind of looks like the illustrations in the stories. I won’t give him a perfect score because his hair could be darker and his face is a little small, and there’s just barely something missing. But as far as “canon” Holmes adaptations go, he’s the cream of the crop.

A-Tier

Sherlock: The Abominable Bride (Benedict Cumberbatch) - 80%

Definitely the more accurate of the two Cumberbatch Holmes designs, the sleek fashion and slicked back hair complement Cumberbatch’s angular build and “somewhere between pretty and just weird” face. He’s tall, dark, and posh. If there’s anything holding him back it’s simply that even dressed up properly, there’s something still a bit modern looking about him.

Fate/Grand Order - 78%

Given that his design and presentation are a direct reference to both Brett and Cumberbatch’s portrayals, it’s a given he’d place so highly. It’s really hard to nail down a 2D Holmes, especially in the anime style this game employs, since it has a tendency to prettify characters by default. True to form, FGO Holmes is far neater and more precise than I’d like. But he’s by no means a bad design, and depending on the image he can really hit the spot for me; he’s definitely a chart topper in the realm of 2D Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes: The Furtive Festivity (Gregory Johnstone) - 75%

There aren’t many Holmes that we only get to see as an old man, in no small part due to the ACD estate’s notoriously malicious copyright practices. Johnstone ranks so highly not due necessarily to the details of his look, but the overall feel he embodies. This Holmes is soft, affectionate, more than a little floppy. His hair and costume portray a man well grown into his eccentric life, and his face is sharp and mature enough to suggest the brains underneath; even if that’s more wisdom than intelligence in this particular story. This is a Holmes designed by someone who really loves Sherlock Holmes, and it definitely shows.

BBC Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) - 75%

Cumberbatch’s features still naturally suit Holmes well, and he’s tall and striking enough to cover the rest. But this isn’t a rating of his acting performance aside from the visuals it supplies; it’s hard to modernize Holmes, especially since it makes perfect sense for Holmes to gel well with the changing times; he was always a man ahead of his era. BBC Holmes’s trademark trenchcoat and curly locks aren’t traditional Holmes, but they suit him well enough.

Yuukoku no Moriarty - 73%

The long hair is an unorthodox take, but I'm certainly not complaining. YnM's Holmes definitely nails the youthful scientific exuberance of an early Holmes. It's clear they were going for a sort of BBC/ACD mix, but with their own spin. Pretty -- he is an anime boy, after all -- but all sharp edges and full of energy. Decent, way better than most anime Holmes designs manage.

B-Tier

Basil of Baker Street [The Great Mouse Detective] - 70%

Comparing the character to those around them is especially important when it comes to non-human characters, who naturally don’t have the same features. Putting Basil next to Dawson makes this abundantly clear, as they make a perfect portrait of Holmes and Watson. For a mouse, he’s thin, angular, even a little ratlike; all decisions that suit Holmes well. I have some complaints about his ensemble, though; while the dressing gown suits him well, his normal brown coat and hat don’t work so well with his fur; the monochrome look makes him come off a bit scruffy and unrefined.

A Study in Black - 68%

Rules are made to be broken, they say; here’s a Holmes with well maintained facial hair and who’s shorter than Watson, and yet I can without question say they were the right decisions. This Holmes takes a very different design approach than any other on this list, even the other modern takes, but he embodies the spirit of Holmes much more than if he’d tried to match every detail. Holmes is still gaunt and striking, eccentric and fashionable. He looks absolutely great.

The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes (Robert Stephens) - 62%

Stephens in this role is, I have to say, far too soft. But he’s playing a different sort of Holmes, and I can’t resist keeping him here. There are some parts of the look he has down; he certainly looks high class, and the softer elements of Holmes’ character look good on him. Holmes’ traditional costume, the hat and coat, look out of place on him. But that suits the message of the film, and may very well have been intentional.

C-Tier

Dai Gyakuten Saiban - 58%

Not the only blond Holmes on this list, but it doesn’t suit him as poorly. From a character design standpoint, it looks very good. As a Holmes, it’s unorthodox. He’s not gonna be a chart topper with it, but I wouldn’t rule it out. This Holmes’ real problem isn’t his coloration, merely that he’s much too conventionally attractive. His jaw is a bit too wide, curls a bit too lovely, the peek of lavender under his coat a bit too rich, and I can’t look at him for too long without blushing. Do some cocaine and get back to me.

Sherlock Holmes (Basil Rathbone) - 55%

Now, this one might be controversial. I don’t think Rathbone Holmes looks very good. I can’t put my finger on why; his head is the right shape, his nose very sharp, though his face looks very smooth and he seems overall vaguely packed in. Like he was plucked out of the sky just before walking on set. The shapes are all right, it just seems off to me. I guess what I’m getting is that his look is too obviously produced. He looks too much like an actor portraying Holmes, rather than Holmes. But I know he’s gonna be the guy a lot of people swear by, so I won’t defend this placement too hard.

Sherlock Hound - 45%

Really, what is up with the monochrome design on some of these cartoons. Sherlock Hound has the darker hat to make up for it, though, so it’s a little better. Applying the same rubric as Basil to him... doesn’t get the same results. As far as I can tell, this just looks like a normal dog. And a scruffy light-furred one, at that. There’s a contrast between him and Watson, sure, but it could’ve been pushed further. At the end of the day this is an average guy dressed as Sherlock.

D-Tier

Herlock Sholmes [Code: Realize] - 40%

This is a very pretty anime boy. I’d pick him first in whatever dating sim this is. ...Wait, this is supposed to be Holmes? How can you tell? Look, I know it’s hard to make an anime boy Holmes. Holmes’ key design elements aren’t his costume or his hair, they’re the things that make him unpolished. And anime dating sim boys don’t like to be unpolished. But really, this is just a steampunk boy who likes tea. Nothing here reads as Holmes to me.

Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) - 35%

Now, I love this movie. RDJ got me back into Sherlock Holmes when I was younger. And as this character, he has a very specific and well designed look. ...Does that look gel with canon Holmes? I don’t think so. He’s rough, he’s scruffy, he’s short and wide and strong-jawed, and he refuses to go for a clean shave. I like him a lot, but he’s not very Holmesian. He does, however, nail the eccentricity and his costume design works for him well. I do like a messy Holmes. So I won’t go any lower than this.

F-Tier

Basil [Blush Blush] - 28%

So, he’s got the outfit. There’s that. But otherwise... This is just some soft ugly anime boy cosplaying Sherlock Holmes. He doesn’t have a single trait that works in his favor. On top of that, he’s got the same problem the other Basil on this list had -- the all monochrome light brown just looks weird, and not Holmesian at all. And this boy doesn’t have the excuse of literally being a mouse. This is just an ugly design.

Elementary (Jonny Lee Miller) - 25%

Now, I've only watched a few scattered episodes of Elementary. Partially because I'm morally opposed to shows that only gender-flip half of the duo, partially because I’m absolutely outraged by the travesty they made Moriarty. But this isn’t a bad character, per-se.

But, like, this is just some dude. This isn't Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes [Clue] - 23%

I love Clue so much. That probably doesn’t surprise anyone. I have the season pass in this game, which automatically gives me every DLC character they add for free. So I was super excited to hear there was gonna be a Sherlock crossover. ...But this is just ugly. Another light haired square-jawed monochrome asshole pretending to be my favorite character. There’s nothing Holmes about this. (The rest of the designs in the pack are no better, but this isn’t about them.)

Skylar Holmes [Blossom Detective Holmes] - 20%

Now, Blossom Detective is a show that I famously disliked so much I immediately sat down and screenwrote my own Holmes cartoon on the spot. And Skylar certainly feels like she should be in the “part 2″ of this list, but a Holmes she is.

She's cute and she accessorizes well, but she's just not Sherlock Holmes by any stretch.

Sherlock Shellingford [Milky Holmes] - 10%

Now, look how cute she is! Sherlock Shellingford, present and accounted for. She’s got TWO Sherlock names so you know she’s the real deal. Now, this is just an objectively good design. She's exactly what she needs to be to serve the role she plays!

And that isn't Sherlock Holmes. Sorry.

Holmes & Watson (Will Ferrell) - 0%

Get out of my house.

Holmes Archetypes

Not all Holmes’ are meant to be the Canonical Sherlock Holmes, of course; some are just neat references, or characters who naturally fit into his role whether the author intended it or not. Let’s address them here, and remember that not looking the part doesn’t really reflect negatively on these ones as they’re stand-alone.

S-Tier

Dylan Reinhart [Instinct] (Alan Cumming) - 90%

Dylan is so point for point Sherlock Holmes that it’s hard to call him an archetype and not a straight adaptation, or possibly a rip-off if I’m being harsh. But I’m not supposed to be rating him by portrayal, just looks - and he’s really good. He’s the exact right blend of weird looking, though not as angular as he should be. His sharp eyebrows and nose and high hairline work fantastic, and he wears a suit very well. He’s a perfect little bundle of posh and nerves, and though he’s not perfect the fact that this isn’t actually supposed to be canon Sherlock Holmes makes this placement very unsurprising. He wouldn’t look out of place on the other list.

Hubert von Vestra [Fire Emblem: Three Houses] - 85%

Oh? What’s that? You don’t think Hubert von Vestra is a Sherlock Holmes archetype? Okay, then explain to me why he uses the word “sentiment” exactly twice in his supports. Atheists 1, Church of Seiros 0. Anyway. Let’s start with the obvious. Hubert looks like Benedict Cumberbatch. But, he looks like a vampire Benedict Cumberbatch who did a lot more cocaine. And if you don’t think Sherlock Holmes should look like a vampire, youre lying.

A-Tier

None yet. Please submit your Holmes and I will add them.

B-Tier

Heinwald [Dragalia Lost] - 67%

I would never look at this design and think "well, that's Sherlock Holmes". Heinwald looks more like a zombie or the bride of Frankenstein, very Halloween. His look being so specific does come at the expense of his Holmesness, but he's still got more than a few traits down and he’s an absolute treat.

L Lawliet [Death Note] - 65%

This is a very, very weird looking man. Key points: dark hair and eyes. gaunt, sharp, and mostly angular (though with a softer face). Extremely foldable. This man could 100% pass for Holmes, if someone else was dressing him. Put him in a suit, comb his hair? Yeah. It’d really work. But until then, he’s just most of the way there.

Kyoko Kirigiri [Danganronpa] - 63%

Kirigiri really gets jilted here, because she could be much higher. Unfortunately, she has to be part of a series that with only a few exceptions just reuses the same face and body for most of its female characters. Kirigiri definitely has the sharp and focused feel she needs to pass for Holmes, and she dresses well. The white hair is the opposite of the dark he usually touts, but it’s striking. Unfortunately, put her next to any other character in her series, and she blends back in.

Miles Edgeworth [Ace Attorney] - 60%

Feels a little weird to put Edgeworth on here when the actual Sherlock Holmes is in his game, but he fits the character much better if not the narrative role. So let’s go over the looks. His jaw is a bit wide, but he’s very pointy, and I certainly have never gotten the impression he’s a physically strong man. He’s very fashionable, and with his big cravat and sharp hair he makes a cutting silhouette. I’d say he needs a bit more to really nail the look, though.

C-Tier

Will Graham [Hannibal] (Hugh Dancy) - 45%

Despite being a noted Hannibal Lecter fan and possible homosexual, I still haven’t watched Hannibal. I’m taking people at their word that Will is a Sherlock; I definitely would have assumed otherwise looking at him. He reminds me deeply of BBC’s John Watson, and it’s hard to see anything else. But I don’t hate his look; he reads as clever, he looks good in darks, and I wouldn’t complain to see him cast as Holmes. He’s better than some of the lower-tiered canon Holmes actors, anyway.

Ranpo Edogawa [Bungo Stray Dogs] - 40%

This is another submission, and I don’t know who this boy is. I really doubt he’s actually a Holmes, given that he’s named after a real non-Doyle writer, but I was begged to include him. Let’s go. I really like his outfit. He’s got an aesthetic I like. Is it Holmes’? No. This kid looks like he’d fit way better as a Baker Street Irregular; maybe he should audition.

D-Tier

Gregory House (Hugh Laurie) - 35%

Take everything I said for Robert Downey Jr, and just mess up his hair a bit more. House is scruffy, poorly put together, and not wearing anything that costs over $100. As a Holmes, he’d work as one of his disguises; I wouldn’t be super surprised if this guy suddenly cleaned up and looked the part -- but it would take a lot of cleaning. I love his look, though -- again, he isn’t trying to be canon. House is an explicit Holmes parallel, but he’s still his own character.

F-Tier

Walnut Cookie [Cookie Run] - 20%

Given how much “Holmes costume” and “Detective costume” are conflated, it’s possible this gingerbread baby isn’t even supposed to be a Holmes reference, but I’ll take her. She’s an excellent design - but a standalone one. Shes too soft, warm, and curly looking to pull off canon Holmes.

[citrucentric]

yo. new site. lets kick it off.

[citrucentric]

Plum

Oh, man. Plums. That sure is a fruit (I guess).

But, most plums? Just aren't like that. They're just kind of... well, they exist, and you eat them, and they're gone. They're not very noteworthy. I'll pick up a plum, hoping for some of that sweet sweet juice that spills over my hand and makes a huge disgusting mess when I bite into it, and I'll just get some nonsensical solid mass and then a pit that's too big with meat that I can't get my teeth to bite off and then the dissatisfyingly underwhelming experience will be over and I'll feel a little like my time was wasted.

Bad plums don't even taste good. You'd think they could at least get that part right. It's like I'm eating an entirely different fruit. Fuck, maybe I am. There's probably different breeds of plums. If I'm just eating the wrong plums --Hey, hold that thought actually. I'm going to the store.

Alright I'm back. I didn't get plums. I got a sink faucet. They didn't have plums. Smart business. Anyway.

If I'm just eating the wrong plums or something, please someone inform me what the FUCK the right kind of plums are and why they seem to be so rare in comparison to this middling inadequacy. Thank you in advance.   

You know what else is fun about plums? (I am using a rare form of humor called sarcasm here, take note.) There are really not a lot of stock images of them. Which I guess is fair. They're not very good looking fruit. I guess if I was a fruit photographer plums would not be on my list of top ten fruit to take photographs of. Theres just nothing good. And I mean normally that's fine, because who the fuck needs stock images of plums? No one. I guess I don't either. Here's a fucking tree. Enjoy.

I guess these are probably plum flowers. They look nice I guess. That's a point in their favor. But I mean you can't really go wrong with flowering trees. They're pretty much all gorgeous. You ever seen an ugly flower on a tree? No you fucking have not. Don't bullshit me. They're all good. So there was really no way this specific flower could lose.

Anyway. It's hard to give plums a hard rating, because giving them a 4/10 like I'd like to give the boring inconvenient clump of plant meat that is the average plum would be unfair to those rare plums that are actually really good. But giving them a 10/10 would be just lying. So this fruit has two scores. That's fine I guess.

Plums.

Now see if I'd written about prunes after all i could have talked about Digimon 02. That sounds way more interesting.

[citrucentric]

Pomeg Berry (Pokemon)

Allow me to get educational for a second. Apparently, what the pomeg does is make your pokemon like you more and lower its health. I probably do not need to tell you that this is a terrible fucking idea for a berry. This is poison. Delicious poison, at that. You're essentially killing your pokemon. It might be a little happier, sure, but it will fucking die. You are an awful pet owner and an awful human being.

It's also pretty useless from a contest standpoint, which is the only thing I give a shit about when it comes to pokemon and their dietary requirements. It's got three flavors. There is never any reason to turn this thing into a pokeblock. I would never use this berry in-game. What a fucking awful fruit.

It doesn't exist, so I've never eaten one. That said, I bet I'd hate it. It's spicy and bitter, neither of which is a flavor I approve of. Spicy I can sort of tolerate sometimes. Bitter is nature's warning that you are wasting your fucking time ingesting this plant byproduct. Which in this case is true; because as we established earlier, this berry is literally poisonous. You know what else I don't approve of? Me dying. I think we can safely give this berry a 0/10.

While we're here, let's talk about pokemon. You know what I hate? The fucking "internal battery" or whatever that was in those GBA cartridges. I had my copy of pokemon emerald (the best game in the series, as you know) for like maybe a year before it stopped working, and then BOOM. Time fucking deletes itself. I was a dumb kid, so I didn't know how this works or how to use google, so I was just sitting there watering all my berries like a god damn moron wondering why none of them would grow anything.   

For the most part, I could live with this. Except for one fucking thing. Feebas. (Best pokemon in the game, as you know.) That little motherfucker not only is hard as hell to find and catch in the first place, it doesn't evolve until you max out its beauty stat. Which is a fucking phenomenal gimmick, by the way, and Nintendo is seriously fucking missing out on the opportunity to use it more often. Imagine like, a super weak pokemon that evolves with high toughness. Like wimpod. Imagine wimpod only evolving if you stuff little yellow cubes made of mashed and compacted lemon pulp into its mouth. Fucking awesome.

Anyway, I caught like 50 feebasses and got one that only likes dry fruit, so I could jam more of those fucking things down its throat before it got sick of it, but then I ran into a problem. I don't have enough dry berries to give this awful little fish friend the makeover of its motherfucking life. So I went to plant more, obviously. But they don't grow. They don't grow because this god damn fucking device monitors time through a tiny fucking battery on the inside of the cartridge that you cannot fucking expect a dumbass thirteen year old to replace unsupervised. So I never got my Milotic. And you might say, "Lime, why don't you just get one in a later game, where theyve changed the evolution mechanic for some godforsaken reason like the anti-fun capitalist hellhounds they are?" In which case I would answer you dont underfuckingstand. The bullshit ridiculous overcomplicated nonsense mechanics surrounding this little water bag is the exact fucking thing that makes it so beautiful. This creature is everything to me. I need to fucking do this the right way or it DOESN'T FUCKING COUNT.

Long story short, I restarted the game again and am hoarding ever dry berry I receive in the dim hopes that they're just enough to make this wonderful little creature feel as beautiful on the outside as I know it is on the inside. I'll keep you updated.

Now this is unconfirmed as far as I know, but it's possible this disgusting fictional berry was based on the non-fictional "pomegranate", which is neither a berry or disgusting. I mean, maybe a little. I'd have to try one. Pomegranates are fascinating fruit, though. If I was doing a review on those, I could talk for pages about all the cultural and literary significance behind them. But this isn't a pomegranate review, and I'd rather not get too far off topic.

[citrucentric]

Fruit

Orange

Kiwi

Kiwis are alright. But you know everyone's just thinking "this frivolous fruit is taking the spot of a green fruit we care infinitely more about. So why don't we just cut to the fucking chase and get to what you're here for.

Lime

Limes have a lot of other fruit beat in terms of culinary usefulness. Lime juice is fucking important. It's a vital part of my favorite rice dish, and my favorite debatably alcoholic drink. But have you ever eaten a fucking Lime whole? No. Why the fuck would you? They're disgusting. Only useful as an ingredient. Just like me.

Kanaya

I mean let's be real here. Like three people max care about her or Rosemary for their own benefit. Her major appeal is being an attractive lesbian. It's a little insulting, to say the least. She's not actually a cool person or a good friend. She's a jerk to everyone she knows, thinks she's better than all of her friends, and don't even get me started on the Vriska debacle. She did nothing right when it came to Vriska. Newsflash people, your friends aren't obligated to return your feelings, especially if you literally never even tell them. People think Eridan's disgusting for way less than Kanaya's done. But in her case it's #relatable. u_u

Worst fruit of all time.

Apple

Why are there so many kinds of apples? I mean fuck, no other fruit has this level of diversity. It's impressive. I'd appreciate it a little more if I could actually eat them.

I don't get why they have such a monopoly on pop culture though. They're in practically every fairy tale in one form or another. There's a tech company named after them. Apple juice is considered the juice, and apple sauce gets the same treatment. I mean, maybe I'm just a little bitter. I'm sure they have a lot going for them. It's not their fault my dentist was a useless sack of horse shit.

Lemon

I mentioned I'd never eat a Lime raw. Well, the same does not apply to lemons. They are fucking delicious. They have all the culinary benefits of limes, for the most part, but they're don't have the downsides of being bitter and wrinkled. And in addition to making any dish better, they taste pretty damn good on their own. I guess it's a little weird to eat lemons whole? I never see anyone else doing it. But man, they just taste so great.

Don't mix them with milk though. I can't have them in tea, because I only drink milk tea.