cjaneway

[cjaneway]

Art Deco Avengers Tarot by Julia Cross

The Hierophant: Phil - Chiron The Sun: Thor - Apollo The Magician: Tony - Mercury Strength: Steve - Herakles The Hermit: Bruce - Cronus The Lover: Natasha&Clint - Aphrodite&Adonis The Devil: Loki - Pan

[cjaneway]

i missed him so much 🥺😭

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[cjaneway]

Humans are Space Orcs “Intuition”

It has been a little while since I have written something nice and short, but I hope that you can all enjoy a quick little read. Hopefully I can get back to the main story soon enough for those of you who are interested in that. Thank you all for reading and have a great day J

 The Intergalactic Conference of Medical and Psychological Sciences

“So, Dr. Krill, what are will you be writing your next paper on? I admit I am always excited to see your publications.”

“I am pleased to see you follow my work, and I am happy to say that, yes I have something new in the works that is quite exciting. I don’t know how the scientific community will accept it, but still interesting none the less.”

“Well, don’t just leave us guessing, come on and tell us.”

“Well, I have this theory that humans can predict the future. Now hold on, don’t give me that look, I know what you’re thinking. I am not talking about magic, I am simply talking about subconscious pattern recognition that far surpasses our own, and I know those of you that work with humans have seen it too.”

Humans have an otherworldly predictive power that can seem almost supernatural at times. For all intents and purposes, I have said before that I feel that humans can see into the future. Of course, what I mean by this is that the human brain has evolved, by efforts of the death world, to use subconscious predictive patterns to make an educated guess at future events. As an example.

·         Humans have an uncanny predictive power. If you have ever watched humans fight each other or play sports, you will observe the action of the more experienced human happens before the action of the less experienced human, but they never seem to predict incorrectly, in fact they seem to know exactly where their opponent will be even before their opponent does.

·         I have met crews of nonhumans who have one simple rule. “Always trust human instincts about a new person.  If your human doesn’t like someone you just met, it pays to be cautious. And I don’t mean like generally dislike them. I mean if your human feels the need to warn you that something is wrong or this person shouldn’t be trusted without provocation, it is probably best to listen to your human.

o   I cannot count the number of stories that I have discovered that demonstrate how a crew made the mistake of not listening to their human, and they were stabbed in the back, robbed, or worse.

·         On this same thread, if you human is uneasy about a specific location or place, it is best to listen to them. In fact there is anecdotal evidence dating back to our original contact with humans that has demonstrated humans predicting, the weather, ambushes, and even what might happen in someone’s future.

o   For instance if a human predicts the future career of one of your friends, he could be absolutely right.

·         Humans have the ability to predict your mood, future or otherwise. No matter how hard you may try to hide how you are feeling, there is always that one human that somehow knows. Not even that, but there have been times where a human heard about an event and was already waiting with proper support.

o   Now this does not apply to all humans, but I find in general that the female humans seem to demonstrate this power the most, especially likely if the human has offspring. I have yet to find if there is correlation evidence to back this up, but I eventually hope to conduct this study.

·         I know many humans that can predict the health of a machine just by listening to it. I cannot count how many times our captain or one of the engineers grounded the ship because they said it “Sounded” wrong only to discover a faulty piece or some other issue.

·         Humans are also known to predict their own health in a similar way. If something about their body FEELS nonspecifically wrong even before symptoms of a particular problem appears. Generally those humans have to fight with their own medical professionals to convince them something is wrong.

·         Though humans are said to have duller senses that some of their animal counterparts, many humans claim to have the ability to tell when someone is staring at them, or even when someone is following them. Ask a human, they will all be able to describe the “feeling” of being watched. I don’t see how this is possible considering that someone staring at you creates no audible movement in the air or anything like that. But I have attempted this feat, and for some reason, the human always seems to know.

·         Older humans can predict when they are dying.

o   There are stories that have younger humans predicting their own deaths down to the very minute and way that they die.

·         Humans can easily predict your movement before you actually take it. Ever try to attack a human off guard, though this seems to be obvious to me without having to say that.

·         I truly believe that humans have the ability to sense danger before it comes. Just watch them, humans will get nervous before it happens, they get shifty, they speak about a general feeling of wrongness in the air. It can really be anything. I don’t know how to say it, but it’s true.

I know there is a general unease in the galactic community about idolizing humans or attributing supernatural powers to them, in order not to goad the human-worshiping cults, but I swear there is something strange about humans like they can tap into something we cannot see. As a scientist, my greatest explanation of course is the advanced pattern recognition of the human brain, the same one that gives them the ability to create unfathomable music. This same one gives them the unconscious ability to read patterns and deviations in patterns.

I implore you as my final piece of advice. Trust your humans, they may have access to something you don’t.

They that hold the future in their mind’s eye.

Please feel free to add a comment about how you or someone you know once “Predicted the future” or something about someone or situation.

[cjaneway]

Humans are Space Orcs “Idiosyncrasies”

Thanks everyone for reading today. Would appreciate it if you guys commented with other small ideas about humans you find interesting. I want to keep these shorter little scripts going on to break up my longer stories, but coming up with material on the spot is sometimes difficult. Thank you all for reading and have a great day :)

There are a few adorable little idiosyncrasies that I enjoy about humans, some days, I can’t decide whether I find humans entertaining, adorable, frightening or infuriating. There are a lot of species out there who talk about how humans are indestructible rage monsters designed to participate in war, but it is very difficult to think so when you live with humans and witness them interact personally on a daily basis. In fact, humans are extremely social creatures and are thus designed to behave in a way that enforces group cohesion. 

Get close and personal with a human and you will find that they are, in-fact, very easy to get along with and to enjoy the company of.

 Humans use physical touch as a      form of marking you out as a member of their clan or pack. Humans will      make physical contact with you more the more they like you, so don’t be      alarmed.

 As a general rule for those of      you that are hesitant about physical contact. A human will generally be      very accepting of your hesitancy if you are honest with them. But don’t      feel bad, physical proximity is a good substitute for humans when true      physical contact cannot be met. Sit close to your human friends, they      will enjoy the company.

 Humans experience eating with      almost all five of their primary senses. Taste is of course a big one,      but the sight of food can greatly affect how the human feels about it.      Smell might actually be an even more complex component as the tongue of a      human can only detect around five tastes while the nose can smell      billions of combinations. 

 Texture can make or break a      human’s interest in food. Some humans cannot stand when something is      overly slimy, don’t ask me why, but it seems like the one texture a lot      of humans don’t particularly appreciate 

 Even sound can be an important      component of food. Human sound engineers design food to have specific      sounds when eaten. If you don’t believe me just look up the sound      engineering of pringle, and thank me later.

 A funny little thing to do      with a human is to give them some peanut butter,without the assistance of      a drink, and watch them eat it. You will be entertained, and the human      will be happy, so it is a win for everyone.

 Also, my advice for first      timers living with humans. Memorize your human’s favorite snacks. Humans      have been known to take small bribes of food for personal favors, or even      if you don’t need a favor, bringing human food can solidify your      friendship with them and secure your safety.

 My favorite human noise is      when the diaphragm, an internal structure that assists with breathing,      begins to spasm forcing air up through the vocal cords. Yes I know that a      spastic internal srucutre doesnt exactly sound safe, but to humans this      little interal twitch is generally harmless, and causes them to make      funny noises. It is even more entertaining when you watch the human      become frustrated if the spasms continue. This is a time where you can      entertain yourself by making up a “remedy” for the issue. Try telling      them to stand on their head or something. It will be a funny joke for      everyone involved, but relatively harmless. 

 Another one of my favorite      noises a human makes has to do with the quick rhythmic contraction of the      same internal structure usually forcing air out of the mouth in short      bursts. This noise, laughter, is known by humans to be an evolved social      response to encourage group cohesion. Humans will laugh at jokes, during      playful situations, or even to break up the tension of a situation. If      you have the ability to mimic the noise somehow, I would suggest joining      in. 

 This should not be confused      with another human noise “crying” which can often appear similar to      laughter when the two are compared at their extremes. However laughing      till they cry generally involves smiling, knee slapping, and involuntary      bursts of laughter after the attack if over. While laughter may exhibit      tears crying will generally exhibit an over-activation of mucus glands in      the nose and intermittent breath holding as well as full body spasms. A      laughing human is less likely to cover their face than a crying human.      Don’t feel bad if you get these confused, sometimes humans do as well,      and must ask to make sure.

 A sound to look out for is the      “scream”. Against certain species the human scream can be classified as a      sonic attack capable of disorienting or discombobulating. However, on      their planet a human scream was developed primarily to function as a      distress call, or a warning of some kind. If a human screams they are, in      pain, startled, distraught, or enraged. In these cases they are warning      about danger, calling others to their help, or warning away predators.      The scream is also a function of letting go access emotion, warning      others away from social interaction for the time being. The warning signs      of a scream include a massive inhalation, a wide open mouth, and the      sudden flexing of the trunk, arms, and often the legs as well to force      air past the vocal cords with the highest pressure possible.

           Become the human’s friend at all costs, or cower in the knowledge

           that you may well be their enemy.

[cjaneway]

Humans are Weird “Pet Peeves”

Don’t forget to comment with what your weirdest pet peeve is, and also a reminder that I am open to prompts if you have them, no need to ask permission :) 

Also a book update. Chapter 2 of the book has been with my beta readers for a few days, so I might be able to post it soon, so look forward to that.

Unlike other species, humans fall on a wide spectrum of temperaments from happy and laid back to angry and aggressive. As would only be logical, humans on either end of the spectrum can be easily annoyed or difficult to annoy, but there is one interesting fact about ALL humans laid back or aggressive; they have a list of small inconsequential things that will make them inordinately angry at the drop of a hat (Of course some of them may not be inconsequential, but I find that they tend to be). They call these pet peeves. You might assume that these would be large things relating to improper social behavior, or something similar, but most of them are just unfathomably unimportant. And, while a human isn’t likely to act out their anger on these, they will probably dislike you forever, or  if it doesn’t involve you they will go out of their way to avoid the thing that annoys them.

I asked the humans this question about their pet peeves, and this is the ist that I received.

Commander Vir: Um, well that is a good question, I have a few of curse, who doesn’t. Um I hate it when my nails are cut short, and I have to touch some sort of grainy fabric, like velvet for instance. I mean I absolutely HATE velvet to begin with its like if you skinned Satan and made curtains out of him, and now you are going to make e touch it with the most sensitive part of my body…. *shivers* nope, no thank you. The only place velvet should exist is as red velvet cake. 

 Or, or…. *the human grows more agitated now* how about when people are CONSTANTLY late, and then you talk to them about it and they are all like *human changes to an annoyingly high voice* ‘sorry that’s like, just how I am, the world is like, to focused on being late, well I have trouble waking up, and they just don’t understand me’ like BITCH SHUT UP and get to work ON TIME dear lord in heaven! You are WASTING MY TIME and the time of everyone else here by being LATE! *human clears throat awkwardly* um sorry….. I also hate it when people use like too much, I don’t know if you got that one….. I mean it is TOTALLY fine in simili, but when you just throw it in there. 

*he pauses to think* OH! One last thing, people who walk slowly in crowded hallways. You know sometimes I just have the urge to take a running start and shoulder check all those slow walking assholes into the floor and then go over them like a speed bump….. Is that an over reaction? 

Lieutenant Keita: Oh, do I have a list for you. Mouth noises, always mouth noises, I don’t care what it is, if I can hear you chewing, breathing, yawning, or coughing excessively, I just become filled with this…. This OVERWHELMING desire to hurt you. Like just close your DAMN mouth and stop eating like an ABSOLUTE COW! And those people who constantly chew gum, like no one is in greater need of a throat punch especially when you are having one of those bad days and you just hate everyone.

Speaking of especially, it’s pronounced ESPECIALLY not EXPECIALLY, Like even grown ass adults have no idea what they are doing, and it just drives me insane just GTFO out of my life and get an education.

Also anyone who feels the need to say ‘basically’ in front of everything they say just needs to basically go and die! 

*humans eyes narrow* but of all the things I hate most of all…. irreguardless , that isn’t a fucking word. We have been doing this shit for 2000 years, and people are still saying this. Regardless means despite something, however if you add an ir in front of it, it’s like a double negative which makes it NOT regardless you backwater sludge troll. 

*she takes a deep breath* I don’t know why this makes me so mad.

Corporal Ramirez: How about when my girlfriend says she isn’t hungry, but as soon as I get my meal she INSISTS on stealing my food. I mean seriously, if you wanted food you should have just ORDERED some food, these are my fries, get your own. I will pay for you to have your own, but you may not say that you don’t want any and then immediately take mine…. Unacceptable.

*the human rolls his eyes* Oh and don’t get my STARTED on astrology people. Listen guys it’s 4010 we KNOW that you aren’t being a bitch because venus is in retrograde. Or when some backwards ass person stabs you in the back and is all ‘lol ssry its because im a candy-corn or a cheerio or a zebra. Like what the hell does that even mean! 

Or when they complain about things that can easily be fixed, or is totally their fault. Like when they are all cold and complain about it, and somehow, its impolite for YOU to say, well sorry you should have brought a coat, but I’m not giving you mine.

Sgt. Kae: Kids, whistling, people who have a special set of dishes that are for decoration and not for eating.

Systems officer Johnson: People who have mustaches, like seriously dude, people think your a pedo, everyone thinks your a pedo, or an 80s porn star, and not in a good way. Beard is totally fine, beard can even be hot, but the mustache is just creepy as hell. On that same line though, I absolutely hate it when guys with beards won’t shut up about their beards. It’s like as soon as they see another guy, its beard wax or beard oil, or how anyone without a beard is just a little girl. Or when you tell them you don’t like beards and they take it as a personal offence to their honor and then tell you you just haven’t been with a real man, and you would grow to like it. NO, no I will NOT!

People listening to stuff in pubic without headphones.

Or how about when people who sing take a song that you like and then add a ton of unnecessary runs to show off. Like thanks, you absolute trash bag, you went took my favorite song and ruined it. Like I will always love youuuuuuuoooooooahhhaooooahhaoooooooaaaaaahhhhooooo. It sounds like trash and it doesn’t make you talented, so please go away.

Cadet Leu; Having something stuck in my teeth, people who leave the lights on, people who are indecisive, or when you are watching a movie and the dialogue is really quiet but the action scenes vibrate your insides at the same volume. 

I have found that it is completely plausible to develop a pet peeve if you spend long enough with humans. And you want to know what my pet peeve is…… do you really want to know?

Humans 

[cjaneway]

Humans are Space Orcs “Climbing

Just a little something quick and funny for everyone this Tuesday morning. 

The desert planet was warm, as most desert planets are, but despite the dry heat, it was hardly comparable to an earth desert which could quickly take your life in under a day if you weren’t careful. Honestly, he would have compared the weather to that of the Rockies in early August. Maybe 81 degrees tops.

The ground below their feet was covered by a strange purple sand, and the sky above was a dusky orange to match the orange rocks that lifted themselves high into the sky. There was no wind, which would have been a good thing, he imagined that the sandstorms here could be quite devastating. Despite the heat, or rather, lack of it in his opinion, the others weren’t doing so great. 

When he said others he meant their non-human counterparts, the humans were fine. This temperature was at the higher end of Krill’s comfort scale despite him being a creature that photosynthesized light. Sunny looked downright uncomfortable, which made sense her planet was comfortably tropical when it came to climate, and sky ash kept the sun from hitting the ground on most days out of the year.

The three of them and a group of marines were led across a thin dessert and up towards a small outcropping of orange cliffs. Commander Vir kept his eyes wide scanning the surroundings. One might have assumed he was looking for threats, and to the watching aliens, that’s exactly what it looked like. However, he was honestly just wishing he had thought to bring a camera. In that case he was going to have to attempt and draw this landscape later, not that he was all that great as an artist, but he was at least possible enough to make his ideas known.

Internally he was kicking himself.

By the time they reached the foot of the hills, Krill was lagging behind, and one of the marines had dropped back with an umbrella helpfully casting a shadow over the small figure. Sunny stood at his back like she always did. He doubted there was anything that could make her leave his side even if it meant hurting herself to do it, so he slowed his pace.

“Commander Vir, thank Sanctum’s rings you’re here.”

He stopped atop a bare patch of orange rock and bowed, “Councilor.”

The rundi woman adjusted her black robes and turned to look back towards the outcropping of rocks. Commander Vir could hear it now, a small voice shrill and defiant throwing curses at the gathered assembly members and their accompanying guard.

“What’s going on.” He wondered. Upon hearing his question, the assemblywoman motioned over one of the other delegates, the Gibb representative, who was looking both embarrassed and exasperated. Commander Vir could understand why, the Gibb must have had a hard few months with his countryman (the scientist) going off his rocker and capturing an entire prison only to experiment brutally on it’s inmates. Tensions were a bight tight between his species, and those from Earth and Mars. Commander Vir knew enough not to totally blame them. Their species were known for the commonality of mental instability, delusions, and psychotic breaks.

Statistically it wasn’t that common, but it was more common than it was even with humans, who were known to be highly mentally unstable.

“I am afraid,  the second Gibb representative, other than I, has experienced the reduction.” The Gibb’s five spidery eyes stared on glassily at the commander as he continued, “Usually we would just let him go quietly to return home in peace, but those circumstances remain difficult when his delusions have convinced him that he is a mighty warlord and we are his enemy. Even that would not be so much of an issue, but he has found himself  an impenetrable fortress.

Commander Vir was almost 100% sure that was exaggerated, but decided to keep his mouth shut first asking to SEE what the situation was before proceeding.

They walked up on the scene to the equivalent of maniacal laughter. He craned his neck upwards at the rock face.

“Look at you, you WORMS! You cannot DEFEAT ME!” 

He could finally see what the issue was now. The Gibb’s little fortress didn’t appear to have any doors that he could see. The only opening was at least fifty feet up the rock and about two feet by three feet. A hover craft wouldn’t be able to come near the hole as it wouldn’t be able to squeeze into the space between the rocks. Going in from above was also not an option since the cliff face rose to at least 100 feet in the air above that and was too rounded at the top to land a craft.

“See my impenetrable walls!” The gibb yelled, “Even against you humans I-”

“Are you kidding me!”

The gibb looked down in annoyance to being cut off. The entire delegation turned to look at the human standing with his arms crossed one eyebrow raised clearly unimpressed.

“You think you can challenge me human!” 

Behind him a few of the marines stood smiling clearly on the same wavelength as their captain, “I… well it’s not a challenge, but I’m seriously asking…. Are you serious?”

The gibb looked quite confused now, “I AM the end!”

“Well ok, sure you are.” The human said voice slightly exasperated as if he was talking to a small child, “In that case does The End or the lord of the rock face have any idea what a primate is?”

Seeing the confusion, the captain continued taking a seat on a rock as he began to unlace his boot, “Humans are primates, and so are monkeys. We share a common ancestor that lived in trees.” He flexed his fingers at the Gibb, “See these, hands used for gripping onto branches…. For climbing specifically.” He set his boot to the side, and the other marines began  following his lead rolling up their pant legs and lining up their combat boots in a neat row on the ground.

The commander lifted his foot, “See these, they are the exact same thing as hands, accept evolved for running. We used to use them to swing through trees.” He flexed his foot and wiggled his toes causing a murmur to rise up from the crowd, “I can pick up things with my feet.” He rolled up his pant leg, “So Here is what I am going to do. I am going to use my magic powers of hands and feet and drag your idiot ass back down here faster than you can say, oh yeah I probably should have known that humans were originally evolved to live in trees.”

Without prompting, the other humans came to join him at the base of the wall. Above them, the Gibb was spluttering angrily while the rest of the delegation looked on in mild interest. 

“But you CAN:T humans can already swim and run, you cant ALSO climb.”

The human didn’t bother to look up, instead reaching down to rub some of the purple dirt into his palms, “Don’t suppose you’ve heard the song. I can do what you can do but I can do it better? No, well same premise, I can run, I can swim, I can jump, with a little help I can fly, but since I forgot my jetpack at home, I may as well as show off some natural selection.”

The alien delegation watched in interest as the human gripped onto his first rok, and by an excellent show of strength, hauled himself up the wall. His other hand followed, as did his other two feet. The toes of his right foot probed the rock face gripping onto minute ledges in the stone just as his fingers did. The prosthetic, Drev-designed, foot struggled, but he made good time up the first few yards. 

A team of the marines went with him. A few of them scuttling up the wall like spiders.

At about 20 feet the assent grew more difficult, and it seemed as if there was no way to go, but the humans didn’t seem bothered. Gripping onto ledges and protrusions, despite taking longer to think their path through. Commander Vir had fallen behind struggling with his non-human leg.

Eventually he simply gave a curse, and a small blade snapped from the toe of the prosthetic.

He drew his leg back and slammed it into the stone soon overtaking the other maines as he was able to place a foothold wherever he pleased.

“That’s hardly fair.” Ramirez muttered.

“Oh yes Ramirez, I am so sorry you have all of your legs. Let me cry for you.” The Commander muttered sarcastically as he clambered up the wall.

“That’s cheating.” Another human called

“No, I’m just evening the playing field for a cripple.” 

The council members below looked on in wonder and amazement as the humans, somehow, clambered their way up a vertical face speaking normally with each other as they did. As always, the leader of the humans seemed to have no concept that he was crippled.

Above the Gibb had gone quiet sinking further back into his hole.

The humans all made it to the top safely, and rather smugly, and with their superior strength, what little fight the Gibb could put up was lacing and rather pathetic. Two of the humans rigged up a rope to a steel hook driven into the stone, and the commander himself picked up the gibb under one arm like a troublesome child. From there, each of the humans clambered easily down the rope as if they were simply walking. Some of them chose to slide straight down, while others simply walked backwards down the face of the wall using the rope to support themselves at a horizontal.

Commander Vir only required the use of a single arm as he made his descent. And dumped the Gibb on the ground at the feet of the council rubbing purple dirt from his hands. He nodded to the council, and then just simply walked away nonchalantly to recover his shoes. 

The council thought it might be a good idea not to tell the humans how long they had been there trying to come up with an idea. 

It would probably be prudent to keep this little fiasco unknown to the public. If people knew that it had taken a one legged human, and his strange hand feet thirty minutes to do what the council had failed to do in days, than there might be some questions raised about their own effectiveness. 

[cjaneway]

Humans are Space Orcs “Stress”

I thought about this idea during finals week for obvious reasons. As for some of the other stuff, I am still trying to figure out what I want to do. My motivation likes to come and go at odd moments, so the longer, more complicated stuff that requires research is eluding me at the moment, but I hope you all like it :) 

Humanity was crafted in the fire of adversity. On a planet where everything is stronger, faster, and more dangerous than them, they still manage reign supreme. Looking back at their history, the human came down from the trees and developed primarily on hot, hostile prairies of Africa relying on their small bands of family to keep them safe.

Due to the hostile nature of their planet the human has one of the most remarkable and advanced reactions to stress in the sympathetic response of their body, known as the fight or flight system. In response to say, sight of a predator, the human brain immediately releases stress hormones into the blood activating adrenaline and cortisol production. In states like these humans, run faster, jump higher, react quicker, feel less pain, increase their strength, and recognize more frames per second (described by humans as the world slowing down). Additionally the sympathetic response shuts down all parasympathetic actions, which include digestion, growth, ovulation, sex drive, hunger, and other additional functions.

However, this remarkable stress system, which the humans are renowned for, has one horrible downside….. The human body cannot tell the difference between the stress of a predator attack or the stress of a long-term work environment. The human body reacts to deadlines the same way it evolved to react to the chase on the prairies thousands of years ago. Chronic stress is one of the largest dangers posed to your human companions, and should be taken seriously. Long term effects of stress can results in depressed immune systems, sickness, skin problems, high blood pressure, cardiovascular issues, digestive issues, sexual dysfunction, depression, anxiety etc.

Chronic stress is a human’s worst enemy.

***

“I swear by all nine circles of Dante’s hell that if the assembly refuses to hear me out than we are going to have galaxy wide rioting on our hands, and you know who is going to have to deal with it. Me, yeah that’s right, me, just like every other riot, protest, demonstration and sit-in this side of the sector. Just let them be together if they really want, just get them immunized first, Damn!” Commander Vir marched onto the bridge angrily pulling on his jacket and throwing himself down in the Captain’s chair, “Four hours of sleep last night, four, and I have to tell you I am sick and tired of this shit. LIEUTENANT!”

Keep reading

[cjaneway]

Humans are Weird “The Cuteness Principal”

Hey guys, just wanted to get something small and fun out for this week. It isn’t very long, but I hope it’s funny, and you enjoy it :) 

The Intergalactic Journal of Behavioral Psychology and Neurobiology 

Humanity survives just like any other species. The Biological imperative demands that they continue their species through offspring.  All species have this imperative ,though it is shown in different ways. For the Vrul, a sense of duty and logic evolved to tell them offspring was necessary; for the Rundi, the maturation of offspring is inevitable and not up to them in the first place. However, for humans the issue is a bit tougher to understand, for if you know anything about human offspring you know that they are helpless, loud, smelly, slimy, and generally unpleasant requiring years of parental care before they are capable of taking care of themselves. However, evolution created an ingenious way to not only keep humans from murdering their offspring out of frustration, but to make them WANT offspring. 

This need is known as the “Cuteness Principle”. We don’t completely understand it, but we know that certain physical characteristics cause the release of the pleasure chemical “dopamine” in the human brain.  Generally humans are rather bad dealing with these feelings and can react with perceived aggression, or feigned sadness. The two most common feelings include the desire to squeeze the cute thing or the over-exaggerated “awwwww” noise.

Now, only humans can accurately confirm what is cute, but we generally find things with large eyes, big heads, and small noses will do the trick. Unfortunately humans can also find inanimate objects cute. By utilizing the inverse size to width ratio, you can make an object cute to a human; that is if you make something stubby and fat a human will probably think it’s cute.

Anything that fits under this category is likely to attract human attention and the overwhelming desire to protect or take care of whatever it is.  

“Alright everyone, now remember, the GA reports say the Celzex are a very proud warrior race and have easily offended honor. It is important that we remember to treat them with respect, difference, and maybe a little bit of awe or fear, you know to boost their egos.” Commander Vir said adjusting the captain’s cap atop his head and straightening out his uniform.

In deference to this new, and proud warrior race, they had all donned their most formal garb. The Commander wore his uniform complete with cords, gloves, and ribbons while Sunny had done her ceremonial Drev armor. Krill didn’t wear clothes, so he just came as is. A couple of the marines and a few members of the bridge crew trailed behind that, all dressed to impress.

The Galactic Assembly had sent them ahead of the main envoy to meet with the Celzex under the impression that the two warrior races of humans and Drev would be best equipped to deal with this new race.

Together, they stopped just outside the conference room and made a few last minute adjustments to their uniforms. Most, if not everyone, eyed the door wondering what they would find behind it. Images of six foot tall monsters stuck with spines and mouths lined with glistening teeth. 

Commander Vir took a quick, deep breath, and then pressed the button at the side of the door which slid open with a hydraulic hiss. He stepped forward single eye scanning around the room, and then immediately froze, “Sweet mother of…… aw-” A hand dropped onto his shoulder squeezing painfully to cut him off before he could continue.

Commander Vir turned to look up at Sunny, who had stopped him, his eyes were wrinkled in an imploring expression. Behind him, the other humans were filing into the room only to freeze in their tracks. Together their heads tilted, their shoulders bunched, and, despite having the prudence to keep silent, mouthing long and drawn out awwwws to each other.

Sunny had only ever seen this reaction on a couple of occasions usually involving small animals, and tiny human offspring. 

For the commander’s part, he was able to keep his mouth shut only with some difficulty as he fought back the desire to pick one up and hold it, to squeeze it. It was just…. Too adorable.

The proud warrior race of the Celzex where about two feet tall at most constructed out of a colorful ball of fluff, with comparatively large feet and tiny toes. On its torso, which also acted as it’s head, it had a sort of piggish snout, massive wide eyes and a floppy pair of pig-like ears atop its head.

Commander Vir looked back at Sunny with a near pleading expression.

She shook her head at him as if to warn him that it would not be prudent to cuddle the delegation party.

One of the adorable creatures stood just then and marched over to where they stood. It’s feet were so large, that it was forced to walk with a rather floppy waddle. It wasn’t slow mind you, they actually looked quite nimble, but the walk definitely did not help. Sunny kept a hand on the Commander’s shoulder as he fought tooth and claw against his own instincts to squat down and ask the creature it’s name in his sweetest baby voice, used for dogs, and small children.

The creature stopped at his feet and looked up expectantly large eyes narrowed.

The human fought down another aww face, and snapped his hand to a salute, “L-” He cleared his throat here facial muscles twitching aggressively as he tried to maintain a serious face, “Lord Celex, I am Commander Vir of the UNSC and adjunct representative to the Galactic Assembly. We welcome you aboard our ship. Is there anything we may provide you during your stay?” 

Lord Celex glowered up at the commander with one eye closed slightly more than the other. The effect was….. Probably not what Lord Celex had intended. Commander Vir’s mouth twitched, and his chin trembled. Sunny commended his efforts to fight back a smile.

He was clearly fighting a losing battle.

“We require none of your frivolities human. We are here to speak business though I warn you we will not tolerate disrespect from you or any of your men.” Though his voice was relatively normal through the translating software in their implants, they could still hear the high pitched yipping noises that were its real language. 

Glancing over her shoulder she found similar reactions on the other humans. One of the marine’s eyes widened and he had to turn away covering his mouth with a hand.

There was a multitude of biting lips, staring at the ceiling, and downright smiling as they failed to hold their composure.

One of the marines stared ravenously forward with a hungry expression as if she planned on gathering them up in her arms and formally adopting them as her fuzzy children.

Commander Vir walked up to the table and pulled out a chair, “Shall we begin discussions then…. my …. Lord.” He tugged at the collar of his uniform, and Sunny watched the small creature stand taller. She realized with some amusement that his Lord probably thought the human was nervous…. Intimidated by his impressive stature and soldierly bearing.

Lord Celex and his followers refused to ask for smaller chairs, and in so doing they spent at least ten minutes watching as the creatures climbed onto the chairs, with some difficulty. Commander Vir fought heroically against a smile as the warlord scooted, wormed, and inched his way onto the chair using his face to balance himself before standing up.

Another marine looked onward as if he was just aching to go over and help them, or even to just hold one for a few seconds. The reactions about the table were similar, hands were rung, faces fought against their natural inclinations. Smiles erupted only to be covered by hands.

Sunny had never seen such longing on the face of any creature before. 

It was almost heartbreaking to watch.

And it only got worse once the Celzex decided to explain their war practices to the humans. Though the Celzex had, somehow, managed to build ships and travel the universe, they also had no hands, so war, or dueling involved standing about ten feet apart from each other then running headlong into each other. Whoever fell over, or was knocked out lost and was forced to forfeit. This may have been manageable to control if they hadn’t brought videos to ‘demonstrate their might’.

Krill, standing off to the side, worried that the humans might just erupt. Trying to hold back laughter like that couldn’t have been healthy. A marine at the far end of the table struggled so hard his face was red, his body shook, and tears streamed from one of his eyes hand over his mouth as he fought desperately to keep quiet.

Commander Vir utterly failed to keep the smile from his face grinning madly hands clutched tightly on his lap.

Others of the marines clasped their hands as well held up to their chests with doting expressions.

Sunny found herself grateful that the Celzex appeared not to be able to read the human facial expressions. She was, however, forced to fight off a laugh. Coming from a true warrior race these practices were more than laughable.

“You see that we are not averse to war. Our people are mighty warriors and have been for thousands of years. You would do well to respect us, human! If the Galactic Assembly wishes to ally themselves with our might they must be willing to give us the respect we deserve. Is that clear.”

“Of course…. Lord Celex, the assembly will honor you wishes to- to the best of-its-abilities.” His voice had raised a few octaves straining against the baby voice, and a fit of laughter. The muscles about his mouth worked furiously to control himself, and he stood quickly saluting the creature again, “Forgive our quick exit… m-my Lord.” his voice was so tight by the end of this Krill worried that his larynx would blow apart with the pressure

Lord Celex waved a foot dismissively at the humans who were hurriedly rushed form the room, looking over their shoulders and back towards the Celzex with expressions of longing so profound Sunny worried she would have to tackle them.

Out in the hallway the humans were silent as they hurried up the hallway and away from the conference room. Once they were at a sufficient distance, the entire group of them burst into rochus laughter. Leaning against the walls, and sinking to the ground they were practically crying.

Through tears one of the marines lifted his hand and waved it about, “I am…. Lord Celex…f-fear my wrath.” 

“I will destroy you with the power of cuddles!” more laughter 

“But seriously guys can we just talk about HOW CUTE THEY ARE!” The sentiment was chorused. “I just want to hold one so bad.” One of the humans pouted looking down at their empty hands sadly.

Commander Vir leaned against the wall, “That was the hardest thing I have ever done…. I just wanted to…. To squeeze it …”

“So fluffy!” one of the other humans moaned.

Sunny had a feeling it might be prudent to send a different negotiating team next time. The humans had been valiant in their efforts, but they had been defeated profoundly by lord Celex. If things came to a war, she feared for their safety simply because the humans would be more likely to snuggle the creatures than to make war with them. 

[cjaneway]

Humans are Space Orcs “Cockroaches of the Universe”

Don’t forget to throw a prompt, request, comment, message, or critique at me. I love any and all of the above. :) 

Talk of guns and weapons in this one, so read at your own choice, don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

Report ID 2241568

Author Krill

Weapons

If I have learned anything in my time on earth, it is that humans are very good at killing each other. Honestly, the sheer amount of weapons they have is…. unfathomable. Where most civilizations have evolved in such a way that weapons are used to stun is normal, humans are capable of shaking of pretty much anything that can’t kill you and some things that can. Also, I should point out that, while most of us, think humans don’t need weapons because of their superior physical prowess, they have devised ever more aggressive ways of killing each other.

Let’s take a look at the stunning weapons for instance, used most by policemen and private citizens these include.

a.       A baton this is code for, I’m gonna beat you to death with this stick specifically designed to F*** you up. Can be used lethally.

b.      Pepper spray, hey you remember those things humans love to put in their mouths because they burn, turns out it burns so much that, if you spray a human in the eye with it, it causes even more glorious effects which include slobbering, tearing up, and a general drippiness. Not always effective.

c.       Next comes the taser = this is code for, I am going to electrocute you till you submit, also not always effective.

d.      Next comes Tear gas which is pretty much like pepper spray accept they stick it inside a f***ing grenade *(see section 3a) and is generally used on entire crowds of people.

e.      Additionally they also like to just choke each other out with their own arms and legs. Because humans are scary as hell, and they love killing each other. Don’t let them fool you with their big doe eyes, hugs, or cuddling. They will murder you. They are adorable bringers of terrible death.

f.        Oh they also train animals to eat each other’s faces off, because doing it themselves is to messy, even though they totally could and you can’t talk me out of that fact.

2.       Going on to lethal weaponry from smallest to largest.

a.       Rocks and sticks, because anything can become a weapon if you swing it at someone hard enough. This includes feet, fists, and teeth.

b.      Throwing rocks also works, not to be confused with a sling, a mechanism which allows a human to throw rocks… faster

c.       Next up is knives. This could be a pointy rock or, in later years, a pointy steel stick they use to gouge each other’s organs out with, because beating each other to death wasn’t good enough.

d.      Spears = pointy sticks they stabbed each other with.

e.      Bow and arrow, don’t want to get close to the person your stabbing with a stick. Stab them with your stick from 100 meters by slapping that baby onto a taught string attached to, you guessed it, another stick.

f.        An axe = originally used to cut down trees limbs, the logical step from tree limbs is of course each other’s limbs.

g.       Swords, because our original pointy metal sticks weren’t big enough, now I’m going to make them as tall as me, and stab people with that, because why the hell not.  These sticks come in many shapes and styles, so you always have one to match your coat.

h.      Catapult = I didn’t believe this one at first, because who the hell would think of loading a big ass boulder onto a contraption that throws big ass boulders…. Humans, that’s who.

i.         Guns = humans favorite way of f****ng each other up. Want someone dead, don’t worry just throw this metal tube of doom up next to your face and pull the trigger. We promise to keep the enclosed explosion contained while it projects a tiny bit of metal at about 1,800 mph towards your enemy.

                                                               i.      They come in all sizes too, some for your purse, some for your hip, some for hunting large game, and some that are taller than you, and some that are so damn big you might as well just strap that thing to the back of a truck, oh yeah, the humans already thought of that.

                                                             ii.      Oh they are also capable of firing hundreds of rounds per minute, so have fun committing one man genocide.

                                                            iii.      Oh, and they make them in bigger sizes too. I honestly get rockets and guns confused, but, if the little ones aren’t good enough for you, you can always just find a massive armored car and strap a F*** off big gun to that. You can also attach them to planes, cars, and boats space ships.

j.        Oh yeah, rockets work too. No not the fun kind of rockets that let you go into space. I mean other flavors any kind you like. Big tubes of doom that you hold onto for dear life. Heat seeking tubes of doom, also can be attached to cars and planes like modern catapults, accept instead of just hundreds of yards, it’s all the way across the world.

k.       Don’t forget, they can also shoot these underwater (torpedo) more than half their planet is covered in it after all.

3.       Explosives = these have different flavors too, and humans are very proficient at making them, all kinds of them, but the important ones include.

a.       Grenade = a small metal ball mixing the human ability to throw, with the human ability to rip all your limbs off. How you may ask, well by creating an explosion in tandem with shrapnel, if the sudden change in pressure doesn’t kill you than being ripped apart probably will.

4.       Now, for my “favorites”, bombs.

a.       This includes dropping high explosive on large groups of people, preferably civilians because nothing says you mean to F*** someone up than by killing large numbers of them all at once.

b.      Oh and then there is the ultimate death machine, humanity and death’s love child. The nuclear bomb because it’s a great idea to shoot a proton into an unstable uranium or plutonium atom causing it to split releasing gamma rays and thermal energy so powerful it can burn your shadow into a wall, ha ha oh and if you SOMEHOW survive that because humans are STUPID DURABLE “UNIVERSE COCKROACHES.” Than it will probably give you cancer.  The two, and only, nuclear warheads ever used exploded with the force of 20 kilotons of TNT (See reference chart 2a)

                                                               i.      This is the favorite weapon of entire human populations throwing hissy fits at each other because trade agreements, and despotic mania.

c.       And then there are hydrogen bombs, because of fission explosions weren’t bad enough, we are now going to add hydrogen atoms that fuse together and cause the remaining plutonium to explode as well.

                                                               i.      Because humans want you so dead, they will use the power of the F*CKING SUN.

5.       Modern weapons include

a.       AA guns for anti-airship using superheated plasma to make your day hell

b.      They still use hydrogen bombs, because die, but now they use them bigger, so big that they are capable of glassing your planet and the planet of anyone else who decides to F*** with them.

c.       Oh and I heard they are developing a method that could potentially turn your planet into a black hole. They want your planet so gone they will reduce it down to a singularity.

Humans are the embodiment of destructive force, they are death incarnate….

Death Incarnate would really appreciate warm cuddles, and something fluffy to pet.

[cjaneway]

Humans are Space Orcs “Baptized in Blood”

A bit of a gore warning for this one :), But I was fulfilling the request of a few readers.

As always, I would love to hear your questions, comments, and requests. Always willing to answer writing questions as some of you have come to me for advice. :)

I will be covering this same topic in one of my short reports later on, so wait for that.

They were holed up inside the, “grocery store” The lights were off and snow had piled itself to almost two feet deep outside the glass doors, trembling from the powerful blowing of the snow. The humans milled about in confused packs.

Apparently blizzards of this power weren’t common, and the human’s hadn’t expected the storm to be as bad as it was. Now they were help up in the powerless store, thought the emergency lights and backup generator kept the place marginally lit and livably warm.

Krill could feel his body working to heat itself, but he wasn’t half as efficient as the humans. Captain Vir had given him his coat. It still had some of the human’s body heat, and so warmed Krill nicely.

Captain Vir sat by the checkout counters head resting back against the wall eyes closed.

Krill panicked silently to the side.

“Adam!” his one eye popped open and looked towards the sound of the voice.

Krill looked to find Captain Vir’s nest-mate or sister waddling towards them. She was even bigger than Krill remembered, and was impressed that she didn’t just fall over from the weight of her stomach.

Captain Vir stood, “Maya, what are you doing here?” He glanced down at her swollen belly, “Where is Jack…. Shouldn’t he be the one out doing this stuff…. You’re due in what? Two weeks?”

Keep reading

[cjaneway]

Humans Are Space Orcs “The Galaxy’s Greatest Marvels”

Sorry for a late post that might seem sub-par to my normal, but I got pretty sick after finals, so writing has been hard, but you guys deserve another story

Come one, come all to J.R’s World of wonders, and prepare yourselves for the greatest marvels the galaxy has ever seen. Feast your eyes and gorge your minds on the amazing, the mysterious, and the macabre. For just one cycle, and only cycle only, we bring you the wonders of the human world. Experience humans like you have never experienced them before.

“That should be interesting.” Captain Vir remarked to Krill shouldering his way through a wave of excitable aliens squeezing their way towards the ticket booth.

Above them, the booming voice projected rather impressively from a shabbily dressed man wearing a rather tatty ringmaster uniform that could well have been over a thousand years old

One of the crew members snorted, “Really, how could can it be. Everyone knows the circus is usually just a rip-off.”

“That’s the point of a circus.” The captain remarked, “Should be interesting regardless.”

Krill scuttled through the crowd after the captain and his second as they made their way up to the window and payed the fine. They drew more than a few awed looks from the crowd as they passed. Being a rather distant trade planet, the humans had yet to really show a presence in these parts, and aside from the ringleader, they appeared to be the only humans present.

Stepping through a dimly lit canvas passageway, the three slowly made their way into the large exhibition room surprised to find, a rather well put together exhibit stretching out in all directions covered from end to end in awestruck species marveling at the human wonders presented to them.

Straight ahead a stage had been erected under the lights. Bits of shattered glass littered the stage in front of a well-dressed woman seated primly on a stool. Above her a rather enthusiastic man gestured and articulated wildly

“The human vocal system is an unpatrolled marvel able to produce sounds between 85 hertz and 3 kilohertz with their hearing between 20 to 20,000 hertz. The human vocal tract uses a system of vibrating vocal folds and controlled air compression to produce sound. The human ability to recognize pitch is additionally unparalleled, with some humans having been known to possess absolute pitch, or the ability to recognize and reproduce any tone within the human vocal range.” With an exaggerated flourish, the man produced a crystal glass from behind his back, “The resonant frequency of this crystal goblet is easily within the human vocal range. Now, Watch closely, and Angela here will shatter the glass using only her voice.”

Keep reading

[cjaneway]

High Commander Prost looked over your report with mild confusion and extreme anger only kept in check by the confidence and patience demanded by his position.

You could feel the scales on the back of your spine stand up in fear when he finally looked up at you.

“Okay, let’s go over this one more time. Just to be sure I understand.”

You nod and resist the urge to turn invisible and release your bowls.

“So you were down in the holo deck.”

“Yes High Commander.”

“You start running simulations of some extinct species on record so you can play god.”

“Right again High Commander”

“Okay, I can understand the urge. I’ve indulged myself from time to time. However, and see this is the part where I have trouble understanding your reasoning, you decided to load up a simulation of Humans.”

“Yes High Commander.”

“And then proceed to tell them they’re extinct and only a computer simulation. You told the hardest to kill species in the universe that they were dead.”

“I wanted to see how they would react, High Commander.”

“And how did they react? I know you have it written here but I want to hear it from you.”

“They hijacked the computer AI and used it to get control off the cloning bays, the weapons system and the life support systems, High Commander.”

“And?”

“And used them to take over the lower hundred levels of your ship High Commander.”

“And after all that you thought it would be a good idea to come to me and let me know, in person, how much you fucked up?”

“No High Commander.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I’m supposed to negotiate the terms of your surrender High Commander.”

(and that is something humans would totally do.

submitted by @harbinger5581

originally found this post at: https://imgur.com/gallery/VZ5Oa )

[cjaneway]

Humans are space orcs

I would to add to the whole humans are weird/ space orcs tag. As it has come to my attention how much it would probably freak aliens out that we can loose the majority of some of our most important internal organs and be pretty much fine. (Obviously some would need dietary changes or vitamin supplements but honestly a small price to pay).

Like imaging the horror an alien would feel over learning that the human in their care literally has half a brain but is functioning comepltely normal. Arguably the most important organ a human has, the one that controls everything and makes sure they’re alive, can have half of it removed with little to no difference to the human (it is more common than you would think and is often used to treat bad epilepsy)

Ah ha! But it doesn’t end there. There are many other vital organs humans can do without/ most of it gone. Here’s a list of a few which I think aliens would be horrified to know:

- Part or even a whole lung (and what’s even more remarkable is the remaining lung can work with 70-80% of the efficiency of 2 lungs, amazing right ?!)

- You can have your entire stomach removed! They just attach your oesophagus to your intestines! (Most of your digestion takes place in you small intestine anyway so it’s not greatly affected, some supplements are needed and the diet changes a bit but overall not too much different (not including dumping syndrome (no that is nothing to do with poos but actually blood sugar)))

- You can have your spleen removed and your stomach just gets attached to your liver

- Even more fascinating is that you can have up to 65% of your liver removed and the it’ll grow back by a year! A full liver can be grown from ¼ of the original. The liver is one of the only organs where you can completely remove whole sections and it’ll just grow back like nothing ever happened (livers are freaky man).

- You can straight up have your gallbladder taken away, and it has little effect, you just don’t have anywhere to store your bile, but that’s a pretty minor thing retrospectively.

- Finally you can have a whole kidney removed (or in some cases it’s not even taken out) and the remaining one works just as well as when there were 2. Even more unbelievable is the fact sometimes if both of someone’s kidneys aren’t working doctors will sometimes leave them in and just put in a 3rd kidney which does all the work.

- One final thing I would like to add is the fact that humans can have their entire anatomy flipped around in their body and not even know!

I thought this would be a good entry to the humans are space orcs tag as our bodies are such finely tuned survival machines yet we can be missing so much of vital organs with little impact. I know I would be freaked out by these weird creatures if I was an alien. Like humans are scary enough with our weapons, endurance, recklessness and healing capabilities. Couple that with being able to have major parts of our anatomy missing and you’ve got yourselves one scary race. (Honestly humans scare me sometimes). I think this would be especially creepy if with other alien species any damage or loss of parts of organs results in almost guaranteed death and then there’s is humans who can rock up with half a brain and one lung, missing an arm or leg and be like “right who we fighting next”.

Video which inspired this post: https://youtu.be/EHQ4n980evI (SciShow is amazing and you should really check out the channel if you haven’t already)

[cjaneway]

Humans and Fire

The Xeno Anthropologists had assumed that given the Human planet’s atmosphere was highly flammable that any advanced civilisation would abhor fire due to its destructive potential. But far be it from them to tell Category 10 deathworlders what to do. Humans loved fire and would attempt to add it to almost anything they could get their hands on. Vehicles, weapons, power generation, food, drink, their houses, themselves. The Anthropologists had yet to find anything the humans would not gleefully set on fire. And then true to form the Humans ascended to space upon a pillar of fire.

[cjaneway]

Humans are Space Orcs “Dancing with Death”

Note: this next bit of  writing takes some artistic liberties when it comes to some to some of the science. This means there may be slight inaccuracies. Try to suspend disbelief for the moment and enjoy :)

From The Intergalactic Journal of Mechanics and Biology

The human cortical system is a marvel of biological engineering. It has multiple backup systems with feedforward and feedback processes. Damage the brain, and instead of death, you may simply damage only one area of functioning. In some cases the damage does not remain long as other parts of the brain are re purposed to fill the role of the damaged cortical tissue. Humans had been under the impression for the longest time that their ability to regenerate neurons in the CNS was lacking. However, in comparison to other species with similar cortical structures, this ability is astonishing.

Humans are the only species known to be able to survive damage to cortical tissue.

However, there is one great issue with the human brain, and that is its extreme use of energy requiring at least 20% of the body’s energy overall to keep functioning. Additionally the human brain requires sufficient nutrition and hydration. Any number of these issues can impair functioning to such a complex organ.

To add to this, additional memory processing can only happen when paired with sleep.

Sleep is a construct not totally understood by the rest of the galaxy. While certain species are known generate phases of reduced consciousness similar to human “meditation”, they do not demonstrate the complete shut-down of conscious function that humans do. For the complete functioning of this apex predator, the brain requires at least eight hours of unconsciousness. In comparison to similar cortical structures, the process of sleep in humans is comparable to only one thing…. Death in other species.

  The ship was quiet, terribly silent with only the distant thrumming sound of the engines. It was an odd fact about human space life. Eight hours or more of a solar cycle, the humans lay silent and unmoving completely unaware of the world around them, lying as if dead.

After nearly a year aboard the ship, Krill had gotten used to the odd fact, though it never ceased to amaze him and slightly terrify him.

The first time this had happened, he had been horrified out of his mind.

Keep reading

[cjaneway]

Human Health-Ask Kloev

Humans are a strange combination of hardy and fragile. While their bones can be more easily broken than those of other species, and their muscles tear so easily that their own brains trick them into thinking they are weaker than they are, they can heal from nearly any wound, given proper care. In fact, human’s bodies are so good at regenerating themselves that they have developed a variety of disease, called cancer, which results from an incorrectly formed cell replicating too quickly for their body to destroy it. They have the potential to regenerate themselves to death, truly astonishing.

Dear Kloev,

In a recent battle, one of our human soldiers was stabbed in the torso. Believing her to be dying, I went to her side to offer what comfort I could and ask about her culture’s death rituals, that we could properly care for her remains. Instead of answering my questions, she insisted that she would not die and told me to press on her wound to stop the bleeding. I obeyed, not wishing to distress her further. A few minutes later our human medic arrived and took over.

When we returned to the ship, the human doctor spent much of a cycle in the medical room with her. I was concerned that humans do not deal well with the death of their comrades, I had heard that they can be very stubborn and vindictive when they lose a crew member, but there was no wailing and no other humans went in. When the doctor exited the medical room, he said that she needs to heal but will recover in a few weeks. “But she was stabbed in the abdomen!” I exclaimed. The doctor gave me a funny look and explained that he had to repair several of her internal organs and give her several units of blood, but with the medic so close she was in little danger, considering.

Now she is already walking around and doing work, although she is not allowed to work a full cycle because she becomes tired easily. That wound would have killed any other species, and they took extra blood from another human and put it into her body. I am told this is something that is done regularly when a human loses blood. These humans are truly terrifying!

——————

Humans have become famous for their ability to survive injuries and illnesses that would kill other species, but every time I see one of these stories I am again astonished. Humans routinely survive after losing one, two, even all four limbs! Humans can live without some of their internal organs, and even those they cannot live without they can often live with only part of, or only one of if they are organs which come in pairs. In fact, this is such a possibility that should one human lose both of a paired organ, such as their lungs or kidneys, another human may donate one of their pair of the same organ in order to allow the first human to live. Not only does this work well enough that both humans live with few complications, this is done multiple times per day on most human planets!

Thousands of illnesses exist for humans, and very few, perhaps a dozen, are considered unable to be treated. Most humans expect to catch at least one illness every year, and many of those who do catch an illness will continue to work normally while experiencing symptoms. More serious illnesses will require humans to rest, and some require direct medical attention, but even those humans have often created medicines to treat and nearly eliminate fatality for previously healthy individuals.

Humans approach their health care with the same reckless abandon they exhibit in all aspects of their lives. It is not unusual for human doctors to use substances to treat illnesses without understanding how they work! I have been told that medications for many illnesses have been discovered because the medication was being used to something else and “just happened” to cure this other illness as well. In turn, human doctors then begin to use the medication to treat this new illness even if they don’t know why the medication works or, in some cases, even what causes the illness.

Some human illnesses are very difficult for them to treat, or leave lasting damage to the body, and so humans have found a way to prevent them, which they call vaccines. These vaccines are made up of small amounts of the organism that causes the illness, which has been killed or rendered harmless. The organisms, in the form of the vaccine, are then injected into the healthy human in order to contaminate them with a small amount of the illness so that their immune system can “learn” to fight off the illness. Human scientists say that they have used this process of deliberately exposing individuals to an illness in order to prevent it for hundreds of years and have been able to completely eliminate some deadly illnesses in the population completely.

The recklessness does not end there. The disease I mentioned above, cancer, has a high mortality rate for humans because it is an illness created by their own bodies, making it difficult to target with medications and surgery. However, in their usual daring manner, humans have discovered that particular substances, which poison and destroy their bodies, destroy the cancer cells faster than other cells. Because of this, they will purposely poison themselves in order to treat this illness. If that is not sheer recklessness, I’m orange!

@humansareweird @ansixilus