clefmogus

[clefmogus]

The 8 Stages of a McDonald's Date [Childe x Zhongli] 3k words

Summary: Childe asks Zhongli out on a date... to McDonald's.

✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: Stage 1 :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

At the prestigious private high school of Teyvat, where the rich and the intelligent began the beginning sparks of their future business careers, a monumental moment worthy of the history books was about to take place.

Childe was about to ask Zhongli out on a date.

After 8 months of encouragement and private (public, too, sometimes) counselling from the twins and the gang, Childe felt like he was finally 4% prepared for this life-changing event. He did, afterall, pass his original goal of 2.9%.

Yes, Childe was ready for this whether he was ready or not.

He was not.

“Zh-Zhongli…”

A head turn.

“W-will you… go out with me? Like, uhm, on a date?”

Zhongli blinked. “Where?”

Oh shit. Childe had not thought this far ahead. In all their 484 sessions of running through scenarios, never once had Aether or Lumine mentioned the location of where the date would take place. It always ended with brutal rejection or a simple acceptance.

Think, Childe, think. Where would be the best place for a first date?

And like an anime side character who lay dying in a pool of their own blood, Childe recalled enough events from his lifetime to fill 6 episodes. Why, of course. How could he have forgotten the holy shrine of golden arches that sat just a block away from the school.

“McChicken nuggets.”

“Ok.”

Childe jumped with joy.

Zhongli wept. He could finally eat after 5 days.

✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: Stage 1 Complete :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

ﾟ+:ꔫ:﹤　Stage 2　﹥:ꔫ:+ﾟ

How does one bring about the topic of holding hands?

As Childe and Zhongli made their way across the campus after class hours, Childe began to plan out ways in which he could incite illegal homosexual romance on school grounds.

“H-hey, Zhongli…” Childe began hesitantly.

“Yes?”

“Haha, um, do you… m-maybe want to, um, h—”

Blond hair whizzed by, cutting Childe off short.

“Childe! Let’s go ho—” Aether paused.

Childe wanted to go to heaven.

“Oops, haha, my tongue slipped.” Shooting Childe a devious smirk, Aether turned around and ran off towards his sister, who stood at the entrance gates of the school.

“Hah,” Zhongli sighed, “those two are always scampering off and getting into trouble. We should have invited them to join us on our outing.”

I-invite them? Was he really that uncomfortable to be around?

“B-but isn’t this a date?”

“Precisely. Were you not the one who stated ‘the more the merrier’ when you invited me to the karaoke place with your friends last week?”

“I—”

Childe stopped. He had no words. Did Zhongli even know the difference between a date and a hang out? Well, no matter. Childe was going to make him find out. He rolled up his sleeves and tried again.

“Zhongli, l-let’s hol—”

“Hey man!” A smooth voice suddenly interrupted his love proposal, casting Childe into the depths of despair. A moment later, a heavy arm was slung around his neck. Childe almost coughed up blood.

“Kaeya,” Childe grumbled underneath his breath.

“Childe.”

(“Zhongli,” said Zhongli.)

“So, where are you two lovebirds heading off to?” Kaeya grinned, digging his knuckle into Childe’s head.

Your days are fucking numbered, bitch.

“Hey, leave them alone, Kaeya!” A loud voice came from behind the group. Childe never thought he would be so happy to see another person who was not Zhongli.

A few feet behind them stood Amber, the perky and energetic class rep who always seemed to have your back—if you didn’t get on her nerves, that is.

Amber, you are my shooting star, my white knight, my angel in the midnight darkness, my ride or—

“They’re just friends. There’s nothing going on between them.”

Fucking bitch.

“Ah, actually, Zhongli and I…”

“I do not see a problem with them coming along with us. After all, weren’t you the one who said—”

“AH! Is that Jean and Diluc walking home together?!” Childe thought fast, pointing in the opposite direction of the road.

“Huh? Where?” Amber turned.

“This I have to see.” Kaeya let go of Childe, and turned away from them, following after Amber.

“Ugh, finally they’re—no, not you, too!”

“But I wanted to—”

Fearing that Zhongli might follow after the two idiots, Childe grabbed onto his hand, pulling him down the street towards the golden arch palace.

As they ran past all the other students walking home from their hours of suffering, Childe could think of nothing but the warmth of Zhongli’s hand pressed tightly against his. His surroundings blurred into one huge, colorful blob.

Childe crashed into a metal pole.

He had to let go.

(“Heh heh, sorry about that,” Childe laughed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I think I would be more concerned about the blood dripping from your head.”)

ﾟ+:ꔫ:﹤　Stage 2 Complete　﹥:ꔫ:+ﾟ

‧͙⁺˚･༓☾　Stage 3　☽༓･˚⁺‧͙

After thoroughly wiping off all the blood from his head and nose with a handkerchief provided by Zhongli, Childe was finally able to enter the restaurant without getting kicked out. He politely held the door open for Zhongli because he was a gentleman.

The line stretched on for about half the length of the building.

Now’s my chance. I’ll clarify that this is a date and not a friendly hang out once and for all!

“Zhongli, um, I… I…”

“Hm?” Zhongli blinked quizzically, waiting for the other boy to continue.

“I… need to take a dump.”

For the next ten minutes, Childe stood on top of the toilet seat chanting warding spells against the spirits of bad luck.

He was getting tired of running his one-man clown circus.

“Welcome back,” Zhongli said calmly as Childe dragged himself back into the line to stand next to him.

Please tell me that everyday when I get home from work after we’re married.

“Did you have a nice defecate?”

Never mind.

“N… No.”

“Next!”

The awkward silence was interrupted by the friendly voice of the girl behind the counter. They stepped up to order.

“Hello, welcome to McD—” The girl, Sara, grimaced as soon as her eyes landed on Zhongli. “Oh. It’s you again.”

“Do not fret, I brought my wallet this time,” Zhongli announced, shoving Childe forward.

Am I a joke to you?

Sara blinked, but made no comment.

“What would you like to order?”

“What do you have?”

“We… we have a menu, you know…”

“Excellent,” Zhongli said, hardly sparing a glance at the large TV displays of food. “We’ll take it all.”

“…”

“Zh-Zhong—”

After eight hours and 13 surgeries to remove his kidney, blood plasma, and any other organ that he could live without, Childe was finally able to pay for everything that Zhongli wanted on the menu.

‧͙⁺˚･༓☾　Stage 3 Complete　☽༓･˚⁺‧͙

＊•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚　Stage 4　˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚＊

The weather reports had said that it would be a brutally cold, drafty day with winds strong enough to knock down small trees. So, bearing the freezing gales in nothing but a thin school uniform, Childe sat having his McChicken hamburger at the edge of a steep cliff overlooking the ocean.

God, why must you punish me so?

After Childe had finished payments for their unnecessarily excessive meal (which included a ten year pay plan with interest), Zhongli had promptly walked out the door, leaving Childe to carry everything and follow him.

Bitches be like “I know a place,” then bring you to the edge of a cliff to have a McNugget picnic.

“A most excellent meal,” Zhongli declared, opening his homemade bento box and grabbing a pair of chopsticks.

Y… you’re not even gonna eat it?!!

Zhongli looked up from his meal.

“Is something the matter, Childe?”

“Yeah, I’ve fallen in love with a dumb bitch.”

“Really? What are they like?”

“Dumb and bitchy.”

Zhongli then proceeded to take out a portable stove and began heating up some water.

“Would you like some soothing tea for your heartache?”

“Yes, please.” Childe brought his knees up to his chest and stared out at the churning gray waves as they crashed against the side of the cliff.

He ate his McNuggets in silence.

It started raining.

I think I’m going to go die now.

“Hup,” Childe grunted as he pushed himself back onto his feet. “We should get going now. You’re going to catch a cold.”

Zhongli packed up his things and Childe compressed his year’s worth of food into his backpack. Maybe he could give it to the gang later.

“Um, Zhongli,” Childe called from behind Zhongli as he led the way down the cliffside path. “Why… why did you choose to be here of all places?”

The other boy paused.

“Why?”

He turned to face Childe.

“Because I heard it was romantic, of course.”

Childe’s eyes widened and he felt his face begin to flush, even in the pouring rain. He trained his eyes on the floor, barely able to contain his grin.

“Zh-Zhongli, I also—”

Before Childe could finish his sentence, a loud crash came from behind him. He whipped around seconds before a large wave crashed into them.

＊•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚　Stage 4 Complete　˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚＊

⋆┈┈｡ﾟ❃۪�� ❀ུ۪ Stage 5 ❃ུ۪ ❀ུ۪ ﾟ｡┈┈⋆

Romance is dead.

The two boys trudged home in complete silence, neither one of them daring to bring up what had just happened on the cliff side.

They were both completely drenched to the bone in sea water, and the pouring rain didn’t give any indication of stopping soon. Their date had ended in the worst possible outcome.

This is so fucking awkward…

“Well, this is me,” Zhongli announced, stepping towards one of the nearby neighborhood homes.

“Ah, y-yeah,” Childe mumbled, looking anywhere but Zhongli. “I-I’m heading off, then.”

He turned away, completely ready to finally flee the scene of the crime. Childe begged to every single god he could list off the top of his head that Zhongli would not open his mouth. He just wanted the day to be over with as soon as possible.

“Wait.”

Goddammit.

“Would you care to come in and dry up?”

C-come in? As in, go into his house?

“I-I don’t think that’s a good idea…” Childe declined hesitantly, rubbing the back of his neck. Knowing their luck that day, they would probably somehow manage to commit arson faster than Klee.

“At least let me get you a towel,” Zhongli pressed, turning away before Childe could protest.

Oh, fun.

Zhongli returned a few minutes later holding onto a fluffy, hot pink D*ra the Explorer towel and handed it to Childe as if there was nothing wrong.

“Um, wh-why…”

“Worry not, it was just washed yesterday.”

“That’s not the issue here.”

Childe reached out to grab it, training his eyes intensely onto D*ra’s scrunched up face.

“I… I had fun today.”

Faster than lightning, Childe snatched up the D*ra towel and turned away as fast as he could.

“G-g↝oodnight!” Childe exclaimed. His voice cracked in the most embarrassing way possible. And as Childe raced down the road, he could feel his face heating up and his heart pumping (a bit too quickly) in his chest.

He ran the wrong way.

⋆┈┈｡ﾟ❃ུ۪ ❀ུ۪ Stage 5 Complete ❃ུ۪ ❀ུ۪ ﾟ｡┈┈⋆

.｡❅⋆⍋∞* Stage 6 ∞⍋⋆*❅｡.

Well, I’m never going to school again, Childe decided.

On the way home, he had dropped by the Mora Tree shop and bought himself a humongous bulletin board.

Finally, somewhere to hang all of my Zhongli creep shots. Haha, just kidding.

(I’m only hanging up some of them.)

Instead, Childe began to plan out every single possible route he could take on campus in order to get through all his classes without bumping into Zhongli even once.

“So, if I go down the H-wing hall right after history before turning into the G-wing and ducking between the two portable classrooms, I can avoid Zhongli’s line of site as he exits his class in the F-wing. Then, I’ll wait for him to pass by before sneaki—”

Briiing. Briiing.

“SKIIIYAAAA!” Childe shrieked. He whipped around to find his phone buzzing on his bed with an incoming call.

“Bitch, don’t scare me like that!” He screamed into the phone the second he picked up.

“Gee, did you get dumped or something?” Aether teased.

“Fuck you.”

“Sorry, I don’t swing that way.”

Childe wanted to punch a dumb blonde underclassman.

“So, how’d your date go?” A new voice piped up, belonging to the second half of a chaotic duo.

“Lumine, don’t talk to him! He’s dirty.”

“The hell…?” Childe was now going to add a slap to the punch.

“Actually, I bet you were sitting in your room crying just now and planning out every possible route you can take tomorrow in order to avoid bumping into him.”

Childe sat in silence.

“I’m right, aren’t I?”

“… Ok.”

He hung up.

.｡❅⋆⍋∞* Stage 6 Complete ∞⍋⋆*❅｡.

*̩̩̥͙　•̩̩͙-ˏˋ⋆ 　Stage 7　⋆ˊˎ-•̩̩͙　*̩̩̥͙

As the early morning sun began to rise over the horizon, shining its brilliant light upon the prestigious high school of Teyvat, a certain orange haired cretin sat hunched over beneath the bushes outlining the school. He had covered himself up from head to toe with joggers, a hoodie, and a face mask and was now looking through his extra handy $1 W*sh binoculars.

Basically, he looked like a pervert.

“Zhongli, Zhongli, Zhon—”

“What the fuck?”

I’ve been seen!

“Childe?”

“Wh-wh-wh-wh-who???”

“C’mon, man,” Childe felt the overhanging branches being brushed aside as a tall, nosy ice lord shoved his way into Childe’s stakeout spot. “Is this about Zhongli dumping you?”

“Why does everyone think he dumped me?!!” Childe whined.

“I mean, you’re literally sitting underneath some bushes on a school campus peeking out of binoculars.”

“… point taken …”

“Look, if you want my advice—”

“I don’t.”

“If you want my advice,” Kaeya repeated through gritted teeth, “you have to think of first loves like lice.”

“Bitch, go the fuck away from me.”

“If you only look at the negatives, then all you see is a scratchy head and a dry scalp. But thinking about it like that only makes it seem much worse than it actually is. Because if you really think about it, these lice will stay with you as your companion for the rest of your life.”

“…”

“Whether you’re sad or lonely or happy, your lice are there with you through all the hardships. Even when your friends betray you, or the rivers begin burning up with fire, or the world falls entirely into chaos, at least you will always have your lice there by your side. And when you wake up each morning, that familiar itchy tingling in your scalp will feel like a good morning kiss.”

“I—”

“Just some food for thought.” Kaeya grinned, standing up and walking off into the sunrise.

“I neither want to eat or think again.” Childe muttered, staring after Kaeya’s retreating figure. How anyone could find such a man attractive was beyond him.

Childe took one last sweep around the school quadrangle and spotted Aether and Lumine standing on the opposite side, laughing and bantering.

“Aetherrrrrr,” Childe called out, running up to them. And before the blonde boy could land a kick in, Childe had wrapped his arms around his neck and began crying profusely.

Childe was emotionally unstable.

“Aether, I don’t know what to do, I—”

Through his watery vision blurred by tears, Childe could barely make out a large brown smudge standing beside Lumine. Was that…?

“Yeah, yeah, just get your marriage dispute over and done with,” Aether grumbled, shoving Childe off of him and towards the figure. “Geez, no need to drag the whole country in on it, too.”

“Uh… haha…” Childe laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

“May I talk to you for a second?”

The bell rang.

“Haha, would you look at the time!” Childe flashed a smile and began to turn away, but was stopped by Zhongli grabbing onto his shoulders with both hands.

“Wait. A-after class… I need to tell you something.”

Childe glanced to the side, his face quickly heating up. “A-after class sh-should be fine…”

*̩̩̥͙　•̩̩͙-ˏˋ⋆ 　Stage 7 Complete　⋆ˊˎ-•̩̩͙　*̩̩̥͙

ˏ⸉ˋ‿̩͙‿̩̩̥͙̽‿̩͙ Stage 8 ‿̩̥̩‿̩̩̥͙̽‿̩͙ˊ⸊ˎ

After class was not fine.

As soon as the bell rang to dismiss the students for lunch, Childe ran through the survival guide he had created last night. He hurried down the H-wing, ducking behind the G-wing classrooms before—

“Augh!”

Standing with his arms crossed and back leaning against the classroom, stood Zhongli, as if he had been expecting Childe to show up here.

“I thought you would be here.”

“Am I that easy to read?”

“No,” Zhongli straightened up and strode towards Childe, closing the distance between them in just two swift steps. “I just know you well.”

“Ah…” Childe trained his eyes on the floor.

“And about the other day,” Zhongli went on, “I apologize. I should not have acted that way, especially on our first date.”

Oh my gosh, he said the ‘d’ word!

“You know,” Zhongli unconsciously leaned closer, and Childe's senses suddenly amplified. “You should not go along with everything I say, even if it is on the first date.”

“Y-yes…”

“You are looking kind of red. Are you okay?”

“M-mm-hm.”

“Want to be my boyfriend?”

“Mm, su-sure…”

Wait…

…

…

,,,

“WH-WHAT?!!”

“Boyfriend.”

“A-are you sure?”

“To be honest, no, I am not,” Zhongli said, taking a step back. Childe finally found the courage to look up. Zhongli, who was usually so stoic and indifferent, was now blushing so inordinately that Childe was at a loss for words.

“But, these past few days, I have had the honor of looking through a window into your life, and,” he swallowed, “it has made me conclude that I really want to get to know you. I want to laugh with you and be the cause of your laughter. And if you say ‘yes,’ I promise I will do my best to make you happ—”

“Uuuuunnnhh,” Childe groaned out, covering his reddening face with his hands. He leaned his head against Zhongli’s shoulder, who, in turn, wrapped his arms gently around Childe’s waist in a shy, but comfortable hug. “I… I need a moment.”

“Is it okay for me to take that as a yes?”

“Y-yeah… idiot.”

Zhongli reached up to grab Childe’s hands, pulling them away from his face.

“May I…?”

Without thinking, Childe swung his arms around Zhongli’s neck, pulling him closer and gently kissing him on the lips.

Zhongli blinked when Childe pulled away.

“I was asking for your number.”

“Oh.”

Childe began construction on a guillotine for himself.

ˏ⸉ˋ‿̩͙‿̩̩̥͙̽‿̩͙ Stage 8 Complete ‿̩̥̩‿̩̩̥͙̽‿̩͙ˊ⸊ˎ

No one dared to comment on how or where Childe managed to get so much McDonald's for lunch.

---

Hey, I'm Clef. Thank you so much for reading!

I've been posting my fanfictions on ao3 for a long time, but I wanted to try out tumblr. I used to read a lot of fanfictions on here, but I never fully figured out how to use it. This is an old fic from 2020, but I really enjoyed writing it.

I'll probably be uploading a few of my other old fics onto here so stay tuned if you enjoyed this one!

Read it on ao3!