clev-rantblog

[clev-rantblog]

I think I just need to get this out there, just write it and get it out of my head. I’m learning with you, I’m learning that things take time and they aren’t always perfect and that’s okay because for some reason I just trust you.

I have to keep reminding myself of that, I’m taking a bet on you I’m taking a bet on that trust I feel, everything I’ve seen so far is worth betting on.

I just ask you to let me in, I know it won’t be perfect and that’s okay believe me.

I can’t seem to read you I just can’t quite seem to get you down, I have no idea what you feel for me or where your head is at and I guess that’s okay, it’s just scary but I have to acknowledge that that’s how I feel, scared.

I just want to see where this goes with you, I just want you to give me that chance, this doesn’t feel perfect, it feels right and that’s what I’m betting on. I’m betting on you.

[clev-rantblog]

why am i still thinking about him if its over, why do i still have hope. why does this matter so much to me, why cant i just go back to seeing him as nothing. why did things happen the way they did. i am terribly sad still, i cant shake the feeling at all.

i hate feeling this way and i hate giving it this much importance still. my feelings for him still plague my heart and my mind, and i am sick of it

how the fuck will i keep handling this, i just want to go back to being and feeling like me, but i just cant focus at all, i cant shake the thought of you, i cant shake those memories, and the thought that sometime like that ever happening again with him will never happen fills my soul with an unyielding, ever-present sense of grief.

why did i have to like you :( why 

[clev-rantblog]

I think your existence is extraordinary, and it has recently become clear to me that a lot of the things that have happened in my life have led me to find and look for someone like you.

Never in my life has anything been as clear as this, life has led me here and is presenting a challenge, an ordeal and the risk is high, the risk is your friendship, it always will be at risk, the reward could be your friendship as well, but an even more meaningful side of it.

Feeling out of place most of my life has made me feel safe with you because you understand what it’s like, and what’s more, I understand you as well, I’d like to believe. 

Having that whole experience with my ex-girlfriend made me realize what I truly value in people, if that hadn’t happened I would have never seen you.

Leaving the city only confirmed how truly important you were to me, it validated all of my feelings and flushed uncertainty down the toilet.

I know it sound crazy, but everything in my life has presented itself the way it has for this moment, and I want to partake in it. Even if this means our friendship, I’d rather live in a world where I had the courage to at least try. 

The best possible scenario is me telling you my feelings, you not reciprocating them but still understanding, me getting over you, our friendship is kept intact. Rationally speaking, this is the best possible outcome, and it’s my initial intention, because I can not keep obsessing over the hope of possibility, I need to kill it.

I hope I don’t regret this decision.

[clev-rantblog]

Something very peculiar has been happening to me recently, and I appreciate the fact that its even happening at all but I am so fed up with everything, it’s a feeling of angst that is all to familiar and in it’s own way different.

I am well aware that I am at least bisexual, it’s still weird to explain but like I’m with that shit, I’ve known all my life, it’s nothing new to me. But I never felt an emotional connection THIS strong with anyone ever, and the fact that he’s a very recent friend idk, I have a lot of doubt and insecurity in my heart and it’s drowning me. I feel my heart is being gripped and squeezed, it’s a feeling of emptyness coming straight out of my chest.

I finished college, and I moved back to my hometown, and I’m happy to be with my parents and stuff, but I feel incredibly miserable regarding almost every other aspect of my life, just miserable, on the floor, my life is great, but I feel miserable. And I miss my friends, my college-long friends, some of the best people I have ever met in my life, but above all else I miss this one friend I like, it’s a brutal feeling, he stands apart from any other perso I have ever met and it’s enfeebling. I hate it.

I think he might be gay or bi or whatever, but that doesnt really matter. Even if I think he might like me back, I dont think anything will ever happen, and his friendship alone is so incredibly valuable. I am seriously considering risking it all just to put my heart to rest, for better or for worse. I don’t think he has any idea of how much emotional turmoil meeting and getting to know him has caused me.

I shared some of the most magical moments in my life with him, you have no idea, straight out of a fucking movie, I’m so deep in feelings with him because the last couple of months I got to know who he really was as a person and that’s where it all changed for me. He started checking boxes on my list of things I look for in a partner. He knows how to be by himself. He addresses his emotions. He understands me, I understand him. He has goals, aspirations, and dreams. He is geniune and has a pure heart.

I don’t think he sees me as anything other than just a friend, and that’s quite alright. And it’s funny because in the beggining of getting to know him I remember saying that it would never work, but now those reasons for not liking him don’t seem like anything noteworthy. Ever since I met him something called out to me, it was strange it really was, one way or another I knew he would be an important person in my life, for better or for worse. 

Writing this has eased my heart a bit, I think I’ll keep doing it, maybe I can manage to not think about risking it all just for a definitive answer. On the other side, could you imagine if he said he liked me back and felt the same way back? I could do anything in the world to make that relationship happen, I would change all of my plans and go tackle the world with him, but I guess that will just keep existing as a fantasy.

Either way, I have to learn how to manage myself again, this whole situation about ending my small life in Merida has whacked me out of balance, placing me in an eternal state of longing for everything, I think I am seriously depressed, I have thought about suicide, not as a valid method, just thought about it and acknowledged it, suicide has inmense power just as an idea alone, ignoring would be dangerous to some extent, I am fully aware of everything suicide entails, The pros of living outweight the pros of suicide by a ton, even with all of life’s hardships, even then life is still worth it. I know I’ll get through this but oh my freaking god, it is the absolute worst.

I feel horrible about my work, about myself at times even, it’s so odd how I forgot how to be with myself so easily, I feel out of my elemtn, my connection with myself was severed and that has also been driving me mad and ruining my life in various ways. I have never been needy, and this is something I do not want to turn into. The only person I need to be content is myself, sharing my life with someone else isn’t bad however. Dang, one real concern I have is the whole thing with my two crushes working together on the same team at school, it is every bi persons worst nightmare..... if they end up together I’ll be sad but also extremely happy for them, like a lot. They are such wonderful people and they do deserve each other, but man, I would cry a lot I think.

My life’s a mess, I need to re-learn a lot of things before I can even worry about my proffesional life, good lord this is not what I expected, I never sae this coming ever. 

RANT DONE, GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY HEAD

[clev-rantblog]

I don't care who reads this I just want it out

So I guess I've hinted it but never really talked about it. My ass got dumped last December, my ex is not the same person I once knew. And I kind of hate her, I really do, and I've come to terms that it's okay to hate her, I don't need to stay friends with her or whatever the fuck, I don't need her shit in my life ever again. ((I'm going to paraphrase A LOT in the following story or whatever)) This was my first ever relationship, just a couple of weeks before turning 20. At first I was really apprehensive to be in a relationship because it takes commitment like for real, and also because I generally have a lot of trust issues with people in general. I'm kind of damaged in that way but it's fine it's not too big of a deal and it hasn't really ever bothered me that much. Anyway, so we started going out and it was great, she was great and every day I felt closer to her, all I ever wanted for her was for her to love herself for who she is because to me she was everything and she could do everything even if she didn't believe it. I began to feel like I could trust this person with my life, I felt as if the trust was mutual, feelings were so pure and really intense (a bit too intense now that I look back at it), she even told me she was like ready to marry me, she felt like she could stop looking for anyone else, at least that's what she said at the time. There were red flags sure, but I chose to embrace them, because that's what commitment and love does. So, four months into the relationship she takes off to study abroad in Canada, it was only going to be four months, not a big deal at all. So, long distance things were fine, not great but they were fine, we texted every day and skyped at least once every week. It hit me hard for a bit but I knew four months was not too long of a time. Things got a bit rough and there were a couple of fights but nothing too serious, at least that's what I had thought you know. Maybe I could've done more, but I really felt like what I was doing was good enough for me and for her. So things were seemingly okay, communication was still constant, but out of nowhere I feel her distant as fuck and I questioned her if she did something with anyone, she denied this heavily, I questioned her if she wanted to break up with me and she said yes. This blindsided me like you have no idea. For months after the breakup I didn't feel like myself at all, and what's worse is that I had her face staring back at me daily in class. For months I blamed her but also really blamed myself, like a lot. And I was just so lost and heartbroken, I couldn't comprehend how someone I trusted so much could just cut me off like that. So as the days kept going and I could feel myself gradually getting better, I started connecting the dots, things still didn't make sense and the only way they made sense is if she had been with someone else. I confronted her to tell me the truth not for her sake but for my own peace of mind, I needed to know, I deserved that much. It turns out she did in fact cheat on me, when I confronted her she didn't even apologize. What kind of next level bullshit did she do, for real man, I'm leaving out a lot of stuff here but this text post is for me and I can make sense of it all, I just need to vent here. Four months is all it takes to meet a guy and fucking get in with him??? While you already have a boyfriend??? Who the fuck is does that??? She wanted to act like everything was okay, like the breakup was my fault, and wanted to be fucking best friends again just like that. But things do not work that way my dear, even less so if you fucking cheated on me. I do not like you, not one bit. You can stop trying to save what's left of our friendship because there is nothing left at all, you made sure of that. Grow the fuck up, take a fucking look in the mirror and acknowledge and live with what you did, face the consequences of your actions. And I wish you good luck with that new Canadian boy-toy of yours, you're gonna need it because something that starts off dirty and messy is bound to end dirty and messy, and thank god I won't be there to see that mess unfold. I am a bit broken, if I already had trust issues before, this whole mess made them even worse. You managed to make me lose myself, to make me dislike myself when I loved myself so fucking much. But at least I got the truth out of you, and I know you are not worth anything at all to me, nor will you be. I hate you and I'm not afraid of that fact anymore, you don't deserve a drop of pity or compassion from me. I've felt hatred before and I can tell this is something different. Hatred is normally venomous and bitter, but with this I feel as if my feelings are warning me to stay the fuck away from you. It's a different kind of hate, it's helpful to an extent, I can't explain it. I hate hatred (lol), I hate bitterness, but I don't hate this specific kind of hatred, not at all. I regret a lot of things, but I still did learn from all of this. And what's best, a lot of great things came from this. I am blessed with awesome friends and family, like you have no idea. I know a lot more about myself and what to look for in other people. And I also know that you're not worth jack-shit and that you're fake as fuck. Listen to the red flags people, really listen to them. I know I'll be better, I'm still not 100% but I'm way waaaaay better than before. I'm starting to become over it, and posting this text post will be a part of that. I don't care if I look like a martyr or whatever, I just want these words out there, I don't want to keep it bottled inside. I know one day I'll find the right person for me, I gotta be patient and keep looking because that's just the way things work. And I hate it, I really do hate it. I mean lets be real, getting sex just fucking sex is easy, I know I'm decent-looking enough to be able to get sex easily. But that's not what I want out of life or out of someone, it really isn't! I want a committed significant other who likes me for me like fuck yeah that's my kink man fucking commitment communication and consent. That would make the sex fun and secure and more special than just plain SEX. So yeah, I'm leaving all of this bullshit behind. I won't be the bitter exboyfriend who got cheated on and is going to post it all over Facebook or Twitter (I'll hint at it for sure lmao). But if someone asks me what happened, what really happened. You can bet your damn ass that I'll tell them I got cheated on. I won't scream it from the heavens, but I definitely won't deny it.

[clev-rantblog]

I feel like a part of me was taken. I can't wait to feel better again, I can't wait for this next year. I'm scared but I know I'll make it fine and I hope I meet a lot of cool people along the way. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm so so so tired of being angry and sad and feeling hollow. I'm strong but I'm only human, and I don't care who sees this I just really need to vent. In this moment I'm a little bit miserable..... actually kind of a lot. But it's good, new experiences I guess, all in all I'll grow from this. But seriously, just fuck you, I'm entitled to say that, at least right now. Fuck you for throwing away all of us, fuck you for fading me away, fuck you for making me feel something, fuck you for deciding for both of us, fuck you for making me cry, fuck you for giving me something to look forward to and just ripping it to shreds, fuck you for making me feel so fucking negative I hate being negative, fuck you for so many things. You should have NEVER started any of this, because it was fucking you who started shit, you fucking wanted a relationship and I was apprehensive but you were so persistent and after I gave in you were so in love and so was I and out of the fucking blue it literally died for you it was so fucking strange I literally don't know who you are anymore and it fucking KILLS ME. DONT PLAY WITH PEOPLE EVER DONT FUCKING BLINDSIDE SOMEONE DONT FUCKING DO ANY OF THIS SHIT EVER AGAIN FUCK YOU

[clev-rantblog]

sometimes I just never want to sleep because I feel that if I stay awake long enough, the end of the day won't end and I won't have to wake up tomorrow and worry about things

I just don't want to sleep sometimes, I just wan't to stay in this moment, in the night, not doing anything in particular, not advancing, just standing still

[clev-rantblog]

I don't really know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, why is it that people matter to us? Why is it that people make us feel? I'm at a crossroads, in more than one sense. And both paths are scary and uncertain, because I've never done them before. Why is it that we find ourselves in others?

[clev-rantblog]

I thought I had already dealt with this before. Why is there this human urge and hope to make a bigger deal out of life, I don't know, it's strange. Like, I feel things are meant to be bigger in the sentimental sense? It's weird trying to explain. But lately I've been really confused, and it's scary, because it's something that I know is true, yet I'm too afraid to accept. And it really shouldn't be a bad thing. Maybe I have self esteem or confidence issues, maybe. I don't know what it is, but lately I've been feeling a whole new palette of emotions and feelings and it's scary and wonderful, I just hope I can bear those sensations and not let them drown me out. Feelings and thoughts and fears, and social paradigms and it's sometimes too much too handle, but the good and scary feelings persist, and well this is all far more complicated than that, it really shouldn't have to be, it's probably just in my head...... I'm confused, and it's kind of suckish.

[clev-rantblog]

.

[clev-rantblog]

I am so glad, for many reasons right now.

It's weird to say this  I've started feeling (in a sense) "alive" recently , like actually living and interacting with people and having amazing experiences these past months with some new great friends.

I'm really happy at this moment, but I'm even more thankful.