My blog is about Self-Development, Emotional Processes and thought processes. packed in a sense like speaking to another person. what people might call a Diary.
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Mother
today was a good day, I had troubles getting out of bed, just wanted to stay in, even though paw was coming the one I shared a amazing time with and wanted to build my future life with, she knew how to get me out of my mind and talk me into something positive, make me choose to be more positive for if it is just today. We had a nice walk, talked about different subjects, my past and my experiences I think if I keep contact with her and lean on her for the positive it could help me getting into a conscious mindset of learning to get from the negative back to a neutral and then into the positive, I want to use her in the most loving and growing way. She told me about how the mind works once it has been into a path into the forest, you cut that route and the trees will take time to grow back into place, it is not exactly how she phrased it but it basically tells me I have to give it time to grow again. Her love for life is reaching me and I want to keep that contact and grow into her direction. My true desire is to be with her as her better half.
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about a woman
today was another day of a lot of thoughts about killing myself, throwing myself of a radio antenna, its 132 meters high so it should do the trick, the reason is that I have overloaded and have gone over so much boundries last year, things I would have never thought I would do. Now there is a woman in the center of al this, we where gonna build a future together and to my shame I have acted like a moron, our communication changed a lot lately because I became a version of myself that I have never seen in the presence of other people, especially a loved one. I want to repair it but I don't know how, I distance myself from her because I think it is best for her. I love her and everything about her, mostly what goes inside of her head, the theories she has about life, I feel like we really resonate but I don't know what to say anymore. I also feel like I cannot live up to her standards in this period of my life. what can I do ?
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feeling
A thought that just passed, trough the conversation I had this afternoon. Its not so important what you feel, more where you feel it and its not a necessity to label it, just recognizing it first.
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being supportive to others makes my world unclench
this says in turkish: sen iyi bir insansin
you are a good person
learned by someone I met today in league of legends
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session
this afternoon I had a session with 3 people, to rise to the conclusion of it I felt understood, the way my brain is working now was explained by the lady that was sitting with us observing the conversation mostly. she explained to me that, there is so much information in my head that a and b don't connect logically anymore a says something works with f and b speaks against what a says. Next to this description, I was explained how a part of my emotional world works, I felt something in my stomach and we came to the conclusion that it was a little bit of fear, this fear beholds me from doing stupid shit and I have been out of touch with it for years since anger or other emotions where over taking it.
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anger
I'm angry, angry at the people who came on my path, angry that I had everything I wanted and needed, that I let one woman come into my life and let her take it all, I was a compassionate man about everything I did, I loved my the games I played, I loved my workplace, I loved the people I hanged around with. Now there is nothing left of it. I was organized in my game, I already was at a point of self actualization, to be now dropped back where I am today makes me furious, this time the anger is not just pointed outwards most of it I turn to myself, because who else is responsible, I want to say my ex, before we started to live together everything was fine, I had a lot on my plate at the time not realizing it, I thought I could handle work, school and a intimate relationship. I hate myself so much, I'm not sure if I'm gonna hold out, the thoughts of killing myself and taking my last flight are in my head even though I don't really want it, I want back what is mine, unfortunate that can not ever happen is what the voice in my head says. I have gone trough so much confusion last year, no human should ever go trough that plus al the realisations that come with it, that you always effect people in the greater sceme of it al, even if it is just thought, if you are open minded and in a mindset where you don't feel or experience any hope beware of like minded people, you don't have to be surrounded by them to be effected by the thought of being alone.
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trying
I'm trying to get my positive mindset back (or neutral) back by playing league, I seem to remember there was a big shift in my behaviour towards toxic behaving people, even those in my own team. It helps having someone in your own corner but then again relaying on my own positive mindset might help more so I'm not so dependent on how other people think.
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what I deserve
I deserve a nice shower, to make myself food, I deserve to have overview in my life, I'm sick of these suicidal thoughts being my motivation to do things, I deserve to think for myself again, make decisions for myself that pan out better, for my own sake of living.
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write
its getting easier getting trough the rough moments with people, people that are on the same low, people that subconsciously know where you are, you are not alone with the thoughts of dead, more people suffer from their loss and abuse, lets make it a art to not accuse, better understand why the people did what they did to you.
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write
ik ben mezelf niet, ik ben mezelf niet, Stop hou op. Ik ben gewoon wie ik ben zoals ik nu ben, ook al is het niet fijn om met mijzelf te zijn, ook al voel ik mij klein, al het verlies wat ik heb geleden, ligt in het verleden. ik wil beter zijn, ik wil beter worden ook al doet het pijn, waarom vermijd ik zo veel ik snap het niet het voelt heel keel, liever heb ik het stil in mijn hoofd wel gedachten geen woorden meer, alleen de woorden die door mijn hoofd gaan doen het werk van mijn bestaan, dus geef me kracht om de woorden die door mij heen gaan op een andere manier te verstaan.
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hoe het is
gedachtes toe laten zoals ze zijn, met de woorden die door mijn gedachten heen stromen, is het leven op het moment niet heel fijn, zo hier en daar een moment, een beetje gijn, waar zal ik over een week van nu zijn.
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rijm
vandaag, de dag, de dag dat ik lach, de dag dat ik mij veilig heb gevoeld zoals het voor mij hoort te voelen, nu is het weer tijd om vooruit te mogen kijken met wat ik bedoel, een dieper begrip van het leven en de banden van de mensen waar door ik leer weer meer te mogen geven. Nu nog even uitzoeken wat nu verder na de maandag, ik wil leven dat weet ik zeker, wat voor leven dat word zal blijken uit een keuzen later, dat dit weekend mag voelen als eb en vloed, mijn beekje vol water.
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Rijm
Ik rijm nu want ik voel me even fijn, voor de tweede keer positive getest raar genoeg, wat is de oorzaak hiervan vraag ik mij af, de chemie in mijn brein door de war kan het creëren van een false positive test, wat er rest is positive de dingen bekijken en nieuwe negatieve opnames bewerken om ze positief te verrijken. Ik ben nog niet waar ik wil zijn maar met kijk op morgen heb ik al wat minder zorgen.
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Rijm
Ik rijm nu want ik voel me even fijn, voor de tweede keer positive getest raar genoeg, wat is de oorzaak hiervan vraag ik mij af, de chemie in mijn brein door de war kan het creëren van een false positive test, wat er rest is positive de dingen bekijken en nieuwe negatieve opnames bewerken om ze positief te verrijken. Ik ben nog niet waar ik wil zijn maar met kijk op morgen heb ik al wat minder zorgen.
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rijm
Nu dat het de avond mag zijn, voel ik mij wederom fijn, met vol hervonde moed, een nieuwe therapy een zondevloed, dat wat was in het verleden laat er met afstand naar worden gekeken, er is geen enkel persoon zonder gebreken, nu die van mij zijn misschien wat anders dan die van jou, wel eens waar over een vrouw, gerouw, hoe bekijk jij ontrouw, zedelijk gedrag waar hopelijk in doe toekomst om lacht, kapote coopings mechanismes op het moment van verlies, het kost jaren aan inzicht dit gemis, we komen er wel uit, na elk ziekte beeld kan er nog wel een bij, laten we het zien laten we zijn.
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