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*slaps football out my teenagers hands* no child of mine is being a jock in this house this is a goth family

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note to self: you are an intelligent woman. forgive yourself for all the times you were stupid and naive. you are a woman of heart. forgive yourself for the times you were soft when you should have been hard.

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When your boyfriend walks in the house and tries to ask you about your day but you just listened to Lemonade

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When my future husband comes home from WORK and asks what’s for dinner

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i’d like to formally call myself out on being such a needy and emotionally confusing person

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YO THIS GIRL JUST STRAIGHT UP CAME OVER TO MY LITTLE TABLE AT THE FOOD COURT IN THE MALL AND KNOCKED MY SHIT OFF OF IT CLAIMING I WAS HAVING SEX WITH HER DUDE. I ALMOST GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH A HEAVY SET RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS WOMAN. HER BOYFRIEND WAS THERE AND CAME OVER AND THEY STARTED ARGUING ABOUT HOW I WASN'T REALLY THE GIRL AND IM LIKE BRUH, MY LOADED FRIES THOUGH. I WAS PISSED. I MADE THAT GIRL GET ME ANOTHER LOADED FRY AND LEMONADE AND TOLD HER TO LEAVE HIS WACK AS IF HE MAKES HER ACT LIKE THAT. ESPECIALLY IF HE DIDNT EVEN HAVE MONEY ON HIM TO BUY ME ANOTHER LOADED FRY KNOWING DAMN WELL HE WAS PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE TOO. THERE IS A MORAL TO THIS STORY AND I FEEL LIKE I'D BE DOING ALL OF YOU A DISSERVICE IF I DID NOT SHARE IT: ALWAYS COUNT YOUR FRIES. COUNT OTHER PEOPLES FRIES. COUNT ALL FRIES. BECAUSE I WAS ALMOST DONE WITH MY LOADED FRIES. IT WAS ONLY LIKE FOUR FRIES LEFT. AND I GOT A WHOLE NEW ONE FOR FREE BECAUSE THOSE TWO WEREN'T SMART ENOUGH TO LOOK ON THE GROUND AND COUNT FOR THEMSELVES. THIS IS A TRUE STORY AND I AM CACKLINGGGGG

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Other ppl my age: I'm on my 2nd prime minister baccalaureate ecclesiastical Greek mythology 2.0 egg sandwich college program

Me: I didn't die yet ??