coffee-wanders

[coffee-wanders]

5 (Five)

It's been 5 years since we left each other.

5 years since I last saw you.

5 years since we last spoke.

5 months since i fully realized what I did to you.

5 months since I realized the same thing happened to me.

5 months since I did the same as you did after us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I wrote this out, 5 months ago,

I never thought I'd send it out.

It's crazy to think that just 5 months ago,

I'd have given anything just to see you, to talk to you again.

5 months after that,

And I still would.

[coffee-wanders]

"Wjy di I miss tlu so abd?"

Trans: "Why do I miss you so bad?"

The idea that you're happy with someone else doesn't bother me.

It's that I told you that I wouldn't mind and you still turned your back on me.

There were so many options,

Yet you chose the complicated solution.

To you, maybe it was nothing.

To me, unfortunately, it meant something.

[coffee-wanders]

I can't explain why I think and feel the way I do.

After all, really, we barely know each other.

But I want that to change.

I always wanted that to change.

I had the chance and I feel like I blew it,

I gave up too easily.

Should I have held on?

Should I have told you no?

Should I have offered you all that I had instead of holding myself back?

We may never know.

And I guess that's okay,

Because you're still here.

At the very least,

You're still here.

[coffee-wanders]

You know,

Without ever actually realizing it, I might have taken you for granted.

The comfort, the happiness.

I had no idea what it was actually like to be walked out on.

You gave me the relief of at least being present in your life.

Even after what we'd been through,

as little as it was.

I didn't know what being walked out on was like until tonight.

But it wasn't you.

I'd thank God, but it's deeper than that.

So thank fuck.

Thank fucking god I still have you.

At least I still have you.

Whether it be platonic or something more,

I still have you.

[coffee-wanders]

If only I were sleeping next to you,

I could visit you in your dreams.

I could hold you until the morning.

I could keep you warm.

We could lay so peacefully together.

We could feel safe in each other's arms.

Dream each other's dreams.

Hold each other's hands....

I miss you.

I miss holding you.

I miss you holding me.

We could still have that,

Even if it's not the same.

Being in each other's presence,

That is what we crave.

So what, I ask,

Is the point of trying to avoid it?

[coffee-wanders]

There's so much on my mind that even drugs won't put me to sleep.

[coffee-wanders]

Do you even care anymore?

[coffee-wanders]

[coffee-wanders]

Damn

[coffee-wanders]

I find it so hilarious that you don't even have to say or do anything to make me smile.

To make me laugh.

I simply have to think of you doing those things.

[coffee-wanders]

"My boyfriend,"

Do you understand what that did to me?

You said you'd say it to protect me from someone,

I didn't think that someone would be myself.

The warmth I felt upon hearing those words,

Even if they weren't true.

[coffee-wanders]

I love that despite everything, you'd still protect me.

I find it so endearing.

[coffee-wanders]

Take your time.

I promise,

It's okay.

I've got nowhere I need to be, I'm here.

[coffee-wanders]

[coffee-wanders]

[coffee-wanders]

[coffee-wanders]

My Unbelievably Blue

Just because you, my unbelievably blue, haven't seen it,

That doesn't mean, I haven't written it.

I swore to myself I would never let anyone find this, but it's so clear to me that we have the same mind.

We will never just say what we want, what we feel.

While you were secretly hoping I wouldn't break your heart, I was secretly hoping you wouldn't break mine.

Yet here we are.

I just need you to know, I need you to believe when I say...

It's not too late.

I'm still here.