coffeecritic

[coffeecritic]

If only you had known, i would have given my life to extend yours by a singular breath.

-LS

[coffeecritic]

Accidentally told my therapist, last week, how i love to cook more than i love to eat so... Today's session is gonna be interesting 👀

[coffeecritic]

I just don't understand anything anymore.

[coffeecritic]

In loving you, I'm losing myself.

[coffeecritic]

I've lost myself. In trying to fix and recreate myself for you - I'm lost.

[coffeecritic]

Good Lord I just want to be skinny.

I just want to feel comfortable again. I'm not going to lie, NOTHING about myself feels comfortable. I just want to feel pretty. I want to feel his eyes undressing me. I want to feel hot not just thic. I hate being called thic by people, but it's what I am.

How do people get the consistency when it comes to their mindset?

[coffeecritic]

How fast can the path of our conscious existence change? In a year? A month, perhaps? Or some miniscule sum like a second or even still, a moment? Well that's certainly a better explanation than I received. All I asked was for an estimate of when you fell out of love with me. A moment, a minute even. You closed your eyes as if to picture the very instant, yet when you're eyes met mine you muttered in uncertainty. You hadn't the fondest clue as to when you last spoke with sincerity. Or when you last felt like I was good enough for you. You hadn't the decency to have made mention of your distaste before, but suddenly it consumed you, and deteriorated me.

Completely torn apart, in an instant.

[coffeecritic]

How does the soul choose it's direction? Was it born to follow a certain path, and when we get off track we find ourselves longing? Or are we conditioned to become what the soul does not desire? Do we have a soul to begin with? Or is our existence souley a relationship of body and mind?

[coffeecritic]

"I might let you in, but you'll never see inside."

-lp

[coffeecritic]

showers

sometimes, i let the water run long after i get out.  I walk into the kitchen, have a cup of tea.  waiting and longing for the water to shut off and for you to come out.  sometimes i wait up to an hour after i get out... i know you like long showers.  it’s one of those simple, stupid things that i do to remind me of you.  one stupid thing, stupid me.

[coffeecritic]

abandonment

he asked me how i was doing, to which i could not reply. / if i had, it would have only severed ties. 

so i sat in disbelief as i realized how i was. / i had not seen it before now, all the paid he caused.  

recognizing my emotions had taken quite a toll. / but as i comprehended them i had not counted all. 

prominent yet hidden, lay my deepest fear. / the thought of you not coming back, never coming back here. 

after all he left me, lying in my bed / without a further ado, his goodbye was said. 

so if i seem aloof or simply unaware / my mind is somewhere drifting never really there, 

because my mind like him has left / loneliness felt within my breast 

my mind and soul are left stranded / like the love that you abandoned.  

[coffeecritic]

fast, fasting, faster

Why is it that every time I start a fast, I just become addicted to the feeling of emptiness?

As I am fasting I simply forget about every hunger pain and every headache. 

Maybe it is because I see it’s working, and I just wish it would work faster.

[coffeecritic]

Why has tumblr become the only safe space that I have right now?  

[coffeecritic]

thin-check

I have never been able to clasp my hand around my wrist before and have any of my fingers touch my thumb.  Now, I can touch both my middle finger and my ring finger.  I am seriously in love.  I can’t wait for him to see me like this. <3

[coffeecritic]

alone

As I contemplated what my life has so quickly become, I made a fascinating discovery.  When one is alone, in every sense of the word as it apply’s both mentally, emotionally and physically, they quickly learn the difference between being with someone because they are lonely and being with someone because they are in love.  And regrettably speaking:

I am in love.  

Complete and utter, desperate love.  I have learned to be alone.  And I am happy alone.  I dance in the kitchen again.  I laugh at the way the sun wakes me up.  I sing in the shower without feeling bad for waking the neighbors.  Being alone does not scare me anymore.  But the thought of losing you forever - 

...

[coffeecritic]

letters

one of my close friends recommended I wrote you letters.  to express my emotions and feelings to you, without ever having to send them.  I could not help but picture what letter writing really is. after all, what is the point of writing if no one will read.  what is the point of writing to a soul who does not even care?

to whom would a letter be addressed when it contains the very fragments of my soul? to whom would I dedicate my tears and my sorrows while simultaneously enchanting them with my hopes and dreams?  how does one so willingly and freely offer up their being to another?  how does one soothe the fears of betrayal and heartbreak that only the receiver could induce?  must one only write to themselves for all of eternity just to protect oneself?

-Lp

[coffeecritic]

to be loved

O!  What a completely untrustworthy word!  A word that has so many definitions and accusations.  A word, misunderstood, misinterpreted and misguiding.  O, what an awful word.  To love but to not be loved... it’s as agonizing as being able to sing - but not hear, to hold a glass of the finest wine - unable to drink, to have the world thrown at your feet - unable to pick it up.  

Love, truly is misery.  Yet, it’s clenching jaws are sought after, joyfully, by the youth and the old alike.  How is one emotion - one not even crucial to human existence - somehow the most powerful and strongest of them all?  Why is it that all of the power in the world could still not satiate our longing for intimate connection to another soul.  Why do we crave love?

To be loved is to be seen, heard and touched.  True love truly does know no boundaries.  There is nothing that a soul can not accomplish when it is paired with another like minded spirit.  But this love must be mutual, surely it must.  In order to break down the boundaries of the world, it cannot be simply one-sided.  Is it possible?  I would like to believe it is. 

To be loved, but not loved... that is the ultimate sorrow and grief of ones being.  To simply give all that you are and all that you can be to another.  That takes great courage.  And to give all of the best parts of yourself while knowing that it may not benefit you at all... that is pure.  Yet purity is not enough to attract the time and the affection of another.  Somehow, someway, we always find ourselves longing.  Longing

to be loved.