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“You need to be more subtle with your expressions”

“I am subtle”

My subtle expressions:

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ao3 down for 10hours

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MY WIFE (ao3) HAS BEEN DRAFTED (going down for maintenance) FOR AN UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF TIME (10 hours) I WILL NOT SURVIVE (I will be at work/busy with older brother wedding stuff anyway)

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“We hope this email finds you well” babe, the only emails I hope find me well are the ones from Archive of Our Own

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Since I made the post about how it was gonna end soon that happened to get widely shared I thought I’d give it a send off post as well.

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sr. black

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neverafter tonight like

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Me on public transit.

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Imagine explaining to the Fellowship how messed up our culture and history is here:

~~~

“What kind of things happened back in your world?” asked Legolas once you reached Lothlorien.

“Last thing I heard was that the ocean caught on fire again.” You sighed

“Y/N don’t play games, that could never happen.” Aragorn said. 

“Well, it’s quite simple really, you just dump a bunch of OIL into the ocean, killing natural reefs and countless animals, and light that on fire!~” 

“... oh my god.” Aragorn muttered grimly.

“This is what happens when Humans don’t have elf supervision..” Haldir sighed shakily.

~~~

“Ya know I make fun of you guys for always having your swords on you, but given that I come from a culture where we glue metal brackets onto children’s teeth to straighten them maybe I’m the barbarian..”

“The culture where you WHAT?!” Eowyn gasped.

“Oh, you guys don’t do that here? They’re called braces, little brackets of metal fastened to teeth that are designed to straighten them out over time.”

“That.. sounds painful.” Legolas shuddered.

“It is.” Y/N chirped happily.

~~~

“Honestly if I was born in any other time period back home, I definitely would’ve been abandoned in the woods or something.”

“What?”

“Yeah, it was kind of a common practice in old times to leave children in the woods to die if you couldn’t take care of them or they were disabled or something.”

“Your homeland is fucking horrifying.”

“Language, Merry.”

“No, the lad’s got a point.” Said Gimli.

~~~

“What do you mean you don’t have monarchies back home??” Faramir asked “Who runs the country then?”

“Well, we have a president that the people get to choose every 4 years. Too bad he sucks. We used to have monarchies, and there still are in some parts of the world.”

“Why did you get rid of yours?"

“Because they sucked. Most of them were overthrown in violent revolutions. I think in the French Revolution they guillotined about over 1,200 different nobles. And also there’s the Romanovs who were violently shot and stabbed to death in a dark basement and had their bodies thrown in a pit and covered with acid.”

Faramir suddenly looked very, very nervous.

“Don’t worry, that won’t happen here. You guys are cool.” 

“Oh thank god..” He whispered.

~~~

“I’m worried I will be a bad king, Y/N.” Aragorn lamented.

“Well, think of it this way. There was a king back home named Vlad the Impaler who burnt his entire kingdom to the ground and killed about 80,000 people. Usually by impaling or torturing them. He was also known to cut off women’s breasts and feed them to their husbands - So at the very least, you’re better than that guy!”

Aragorn was silent for about 5 hours after that.

~~~

(Feel free to add more)

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i need more kíli and fíli writers on here, bro. i’m rereading the same ten on here (don’t get me wrong, they’re amazing) and it’s so sad. we need more!

if you write for kíli or fíli, don’t hesitate to link your wares in the replies! i’d love to find and read more amazing stories.

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Gandalf in The Hobbit: You are Took and that makes you absolutely suited for adventure!

Gandalf in The Fellowship of the Ring: Who the FUCK let the Took come on this adventure?

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ending the year with the gay icon that is southern gentlemen detective benoit blanc

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no, wednesday addams does not need a boyfriend. she is a strong, independent female character. i, however am not.

oh my god i need him. please let me have him. i need him. i need him so bad.

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