cognitivedissonance4 - Tumblr blog

cognitivedissonance4 · 6 years ago

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Fresh tattoo, got my stick n poke covered up and a few scars too.

#tattoo #tattooed #tattooinspo #tattooideas #vangogh #tattoed girls #sticknpoke #coverup #recovery

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cognitivedissonance4 · 6 years ago

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“When I’m done I get real down, when I’m high I don’t come down.” I’m either awake and overly excited and talk too much, too fast, feel too much. Or I’m tired, happy for one moment in time then really down and long to feel overly excited again yet guilty and regret what I said or for saying too much. There’s nights where I can’t wait to just lay in bed and think and go to sleep and wake up before 10am. Then there is times I am awake until 2,3,4 am. I tell myself I should just go to sleep but I can’t. I have to stay awake and distract myself or keep thinking about things until I’m so exhausted I fall asleep when I hit my pillow. It’s like a tunnel I keep going farther down even when I hold onto the sides. No one can help so I tell no one. I’ve never needed anyone. When I tell him he doesn’t know what to do and I feel so much worse. I can’t tell someone that I stay awake caffeinated until I can barely keep my eyes open watching mindless netflix and music videos. I can’t say I miss drinking redbull everyday and basically feel like a zombie that can do things quickly. How do I say when people ask how I am I reply with tired because well physically I am tired but it’s better than saying sad or even good. I’m just tired. I can’t ask people for help I just can’t. It’s the worst feeling for me, I can’t explain how I feel and nothing can help anyway and so many are more fucked up and so many people have to deal with that already. I sometimes miss me from a few years ago, but everytime I think back to who I was I still had problems and similar feelings just different situations. How can I miss the girl who always had to wear makeup when she left the house because of how insecure she was and when she wore no makeup at home she felt ugly, how when the acne came it got so bad she cried in her moms car before school. The girl who was so naturally thin yet wanted to be skinnier for whatever fucked up reason, Even though no one she would like would be attracted to her and not just because she was skinny. But because she wasn’t attractive, she had resting bitch face too so she was even less approachable. The girl who had no friends at lunchtime so she walked around and sit beside the garbage can waiting for class to start.The girl who stole a razor blade from her crafts class so she didn’t have to break glass to harm herself. The girl who could see the good or likeableness in everyone but herself. The girl who learned not to talk about her internal problems with people because it was easier not to. The girl who really liked another girl who tried to commit suicide after breaking up with her. The girl who craved to “fit in” and be liked yet dressed a little different and liked thing other people didn’t. Shaved the side of her side even though most people thought she was weird, but her old best friend complimented her on her hair and she thought he would be her friend throughout highschool but she became friends with this guy who everyone deemed annoying and immature but it’s not his fault he has adhd and couldn’t live his childhood properly. Then she lost everyone else that kinda talked to her. The girl who fell for people who were depressed and suicidal and mentally fucked up. Her dipiction of love was either movie john green kinda love or we’re both fucked up but we’re still here for each other even though we can’t stop our self destructive behaviors. The girl whos new bf left for a week and she relapsed and he called her a dirty addict and got mad to try and make her stop. She stopped for herself but still felt ashamed whenever he saw the scars. The girl who gets anxiety whenever her bf or friend casually says they want to harm/off themselves. The girl who is afraid of people falling out of love with her but has to keep reassuring herself she really wants to stay with who shes with and if shes just doing it because of all the history. Is she seeing the potential of this relationship or staying because how would she end this how would everyone cope? But he can’t help her and he never knows what to say or how to say it. She knows what to say to other people but not him, she doesn’t know how to help him when he’s sad so they resort to talking less. The girl who was so fixated on growing up she didn’t live her life enough, but with no friends it’s hard to. But is the girl now any better? I just need to go to sleep.

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