coldsac

[coldsac]

September 16 2023

3 benzos (1.5mg ativan lol) and 1 benadryl after drinking 2.5 double IPAs and vaping, today has been a reconciliation with my trauma after confronting my friend about her coldheartedness in the face of knowing about my trauma. I have to talk to her tomorrow. I wrote up an "essay" on triangular friendships today in the early afternoon after smoking 1 hit and sitting in my closet. today my closest friend's friend was visiting and I woke up to them laughing, which in november hurt me (I was detached, feeling traumatized) but today after realizing while crying 2 nights ago that I love the feeling of being the victim that I have internal power and I am useless not to use it. I love being the victim. it makes me feel so small, like an animal, like I can do no wrong... when I spoke to my friend about my trauma, and how recent events have made me re-traumatized, she said that she could remember times where I have been condescending but that the thing I said that caused all this to happen wasn't even condescending, but of course I am somewhat fixed on the idea of my condescension, altho I am not fixated now but could easily be the next time I get high... the last month I have been getting high again, which makes me/forces me to be in tune with my emotions, to play out the drama in my head where I know I could remain painful, traumatized, victimized, but something has broken in me recently where I am sick of victimhood, sick of not knowing, when I do know... I have to talk to her tomorrow. what will I say? I want to be real. I want to get high with her. I want it to be private. to be sentimental. I want her to know that I want to reconcile. I want her to know what I think, because I have been feeling like she can't handle what I think about her, and I don't want to be an absolute cunt but I feel like she cannot handle me, and that she wants me to be something else and wants to consolidate power against me. It's so easy to interpret her insanity as something else, is what my friend said... it's easy to take her as malevolent when she isn't, she is just a weed addict, and it makes her careless, makes her unable to look around and take stock of what is going on... I liked hearing that my friend defended me... I just want her to defend me, I just want her to look at me and take care of me, I'm literally like Kendall, I just want her to take care of me, because if I can't be me I don't know what I'm for. what can I be if not real? why can I not be real? I must be autistic, I need to be real with everyone, I cannot deal with these kinds of social mores that make me into something I can't ever try to be because it makes me circumscribed and not thought-out. I wrote:

In young women’s friendships there is a triangular form that develops in which two of the women will become better friends in relation to the third woman. This is a relation which serves to reinforce values in the relationship between the two better friends (referred to in this post as the “best-friends” or A/B) by means of extracting sources of bad feelings from the third friend (referred to as the “good-friend” or C).

Women will rank their friends according to how much value they provide them, how similar they are in terms of their value-judgements of others, their society, their culture, and their interpersonal relationships, and how many good feelings they produce in them (such as familiarity, coalition, righteousness, humor, intelligence, etc.) These rankings affect the quality and kind of information that is given to each friend regarding another. With a “best-friend,” conflict may often be worked out between the friends; they will not speak badly about the other. When conflict arises with a “good-friend,” the indignant will outsource her bad emotion in a conversation with a best-friend. This is the “primary session”. This discussion of conflict (usually gossip, shit-talking, or ‘psychoanalyzing’) strengthens the best-friend relation by the working-out of boundaries and values by proxy. The conflict, in the form of the bad-behavior of the good-friend, will be surveyed like a text, by which the best-friends come to diffuse bad emotion by consolidating power against the good-friend.

The best-friends will simultaneously launch covert operations by which they will consolidate this power on a ‘sub-real’ level (a level of reality masked by appearances.) While maintaining ‘real’ relations with the good-friend, by means of gifts, compliments, and generosity, they will reinforce a sub-real tension, often appearing in forms of covert meetings, text messages, and disinvitations. The good-friend will be made to feel welcome as a best-friend but put in her place in order to reshape her

TO BE CONTINUED...

[coldsac]

I guess I shouldn’t expect anything from him anymore, but it feels flattering that he would even come up with a mind game, even if that is what he’s doing, and he definitely is not doing any sort of mind game. he’s just done with me but wants to keep me nearby. it’s just something to say, like I’ll visit you, I’ll come live with you, I’m going to try to live near you, which makes me interested in him again because then we can be close to each other. but it’s been three years of disinvestment, slow and curt messages, I guess this is the downside of all my friendships being situationships, we have this hard & fast intimacy that somehow must sustain years of friendship in the future when I inevitably draw back, or he draws back

[coldsac]

tomorrow I am going in for an endoscopy and my driver is my friend who I have been splitting on in private for a year. tonight I split on her again because I was excluded from her and our other roommate making dinner together, or not excluded but not invited, then again I was hiding in my room because I got angry that she didn’t air out the house after filling it with smoke when seasoning her cast iron. I keep getting triggered every weekend when our roommate is off work, because I’m not friends with him and she is, and I get jealous that they want to do things without me. her and I are both unemployed, so we spend every week together doing things, and I understand on a logical level that she should get to spend time with him without me, but since I am in the house too I notice how she laughs differently around him, how the room gets somber when I walk in, how I bring nothing to the table except a doglike willingness to play along in this mutual blandness we’ve constructed together where neither one of us is challenged, forced to step out of our comfort zone, just lulled into a fake kind of intimacy borne from some intense intimacy from a year and a half ago that I was initiating out of an extreme fear and loneliness and jealousy after being cut off from her and her friends for a year during covid, because even though she lived literally a block away I was not part of the “pod” and I felt excluded, and now that we are living together I am always withdrawing, never communicating, always stewing, wanting out, wanting more, fearing more, grinding myself into a sobriety that makes me feel insane, and at the same time dealing with intense and scary health problems that I feel like she is the only one who has respected and responded to without discomfort and disavowal, like yes I had a cancer scare, yes I had major surgery, but when it comes to communicating about what we mean to each other, what our inner lives are like, I think we are both so fearful, but when I hear her talk about the intimacy she has with her other friends I get confused and jealous. How can I be better, whatever, I know how I can be better. It’s really simple

[coldsac]

Been finally watching twin peaks and I’m in the late second season which I knew would be slow but I didn’t realize I would be so annoyed by having to watch Cooper be in an adorable little relationship. when I first watched Blue Velvet it made Kyle M be this ideal figure of perversion for me that I translated onto Cooper. RIP MY INNOCENCE

[coldsac]

It is so bizarre to be so slowly falling out of touch with the only person I’ve ever been in deep insane dramatic love with. I remember the time of my life I was in love with him as the most memorable and intense time of my life. other than being a teenager in relentlessly painful and deeply intimate friendships. I was never in a romantic or sexual relationship with him but those private experiences of limerence enhanced my inner life with such an intensity of feeling that I haven’t been able to experience since, and the weird confluence of factors that made me fall in love I think I will never be able to find in another person or situation again. after I first kissed him/the last time I kissed him/was really intimate with him, I stopped smoking weed, which closed me off to a whole other realm that had enhanced my relationship to my life and made me more spontaneous and genuine in a way that is discouraged by the norms of social life but made me less robotic and cold. I think these last 2.5 years since I got to fuck him, and the last 3.5 years since I was really in love, have been the coldest and most demonic of my life, because the fantasy of living sterile with like an oxy addiction and half asleep has encroached on whatever pleasure I used to get in immediacy, and waking up from dreams where we were embracing and I felt static light in my chest, fantasizing I was him and he was me... the person that I think I’ve replaced him with lacks it all which is why I continue following her around...

[coldsac]

[coldsac]