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They've promised that dreams can come true - but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams, too.

Oscar Wilde

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We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.

Oscar Wilde (The Duchess of Padua)

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The voice says, maybe you don’t go to hell for the things you do. Maybe you go to hell for the things you don’t do. The things you don’t finish.

Chuck Palahniuk (Lullaby)

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This is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime of goldfish. My parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of God. Six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you meet that someone special, you can count on them one day being dead and in the ground.

Chuck Palahniuk (Survivor)

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Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can hurt like hell.

Chuck Palahniuk (Lullaby)

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Marla's philosophy of life, she told me, is that she can die at any moment. The tragedy of her life is that she doesn't.

Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)

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Nothing happened, and nothing kept happening.

Chuck Palahniuk (Haunted)

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Yes, terrible things happen, but sometimes those terrible things- they save you.

Chuck Palahniuk (Haunted)

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When you understand, that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be.

Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

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People are all over the world telling their one dramatic story and how their life has turned into getting over this one event. Now their lives are more about the past than their future.

Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

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People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.

Chuck Palahniuk (Survivor)

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When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.

Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

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There are worse things you can do to the people you love than kill them. The regular way is just to watch the world do it.

Chuck Palahniuk (Lullaby)

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Solitude in the Time of Loneliness

The drugs that I abused that always used to make me slip away

No longer have the same effect that they used to have on me

I'm stuck in the depression that I fell into that day

When I learned that happy is something that I'll never be

The sound blasting in my ears to drown out all the demons in my head

Silence all the voices gnawing at my mind that only wish me dead

I drown out all the thoughts that go raising through my mind

If I pay them too much thought, it's only sadness that I'll find

I learned to hide all my insecurities deep inside of me

I hide behind an open heart and a tempting smile

My anxiety and nightmares yearning to break free

Scaring away friends that only seem to stay a while

There’s a monster living deep inside that aims to destroy all that I have built

Making sure I stay stuck in place, always leaves me drowning in my guilt

For things that weren't my fault, but I misplace the blame

Every single problem I create always ends the same

I set myself up knowing that I’ll be the cause of my downfall

Leave me broken at the bottom wanting to end it all

But still I open myself up knowing I’ll get hurt

Due to something simple that I can easily avert

All the trust that I misplace I tell myself was never real from the start

Save myself the pain of someone breaking the mess I used to call my heart

I paint a smile on the mask I wear to hide back all my fear

I tell you pretty little lies and words that you want to hear

I know that no one can ever understand the darkness hiding deep inside

Even I get scared to look too deep for fear of what I'll find

Truth is I’m a puppet of my former self just lying my way through life

Because if I never tell anyone the truth I'll never cause them strife

Beg you for your trust when I have the biggest mouth around

You shouldn’t trust me with your secrets cause I’ll always let you down

I've always wondered why it is I seem to always hurt the ones I care

Deep inside I know it's so that they don't miss me when I'm no longer there

I'm not worth the time, the pity or the space inside your thoughts

All the praise you seem to throw my way, it's just something that I'm not

I've been broken for so long now that there's nothing left of me

I'll always be nothing but a shadow of the man I used to be

The ink I put to paper flows like blood from my old scars

No matter how far I go, my depression is never far

I’m tied to who I was and who I’ll always be

The perfect broken mess living inside of me

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The Rainbow Looks A Little Too Gray

A suicide note or a cry for help or just a way to unwind

The thoughts that I let out so they won’t scar my mind

I self-medicate not to self-harm or to ease the pain

Or in a deranged plot to calm the words inside my brain

I do it without thinking, a hidden plot to end my life

Even though I do not want to die it’s hard to deal with strife

The only way that I can deal with things I do not understand

Is to hide behind my mask and cry until I can no longer stand

The constant thoughts that race across my head

That never seem to make much sense as soon as they’ve been said

It never helps that no one can ever seem to grasp

How depression has me in its painful clasp

I stumble over words to try and find just what to say

My heart beats faster but the feelings always stay

The bile rises up and starts to make me sick

The tears well up and my breathing gets too quick

I start to feel lightheaded as I start to panic more

My vision starts to blur as I slowly hit the floor

It makes it hard to think, it makes a case for throwing up

Every time that I collapse it makes me want to just give up

I always thought I had a way with words, at least to some extent

But whenever I try to explain this it never makes much sense

Looking back the road I traveled was always wrought with self-harm and self-hatred

It was never easy and my outlook did not help with the depression that I created

I hid behind my ego and the mask I call my smile

But the cracks always seem to show after a while

It’s not easy trying to pretend that everything is going to be okay

When you feel that everything around you is disappearing with every passing day

I have this selfish need for validation, I need it to help me to feel grounded

I end up hurting everyone around me, thought that isn’t what I wanted

I speak too fast and don’t think about the words that I am saying

Not a second thought to every tie that I am fraying

All the stress I put on others just so that I can try to feel better

Every stupid word I said and every stupid letter

I write to get my feelings down on paper because it will make them real

It is the only way that you will know exactly how I feel

I hide behind the jokes I make and the useless facts I know

Because I fool myself into believing that this will somehow show

Others that I am doing fine when in reality I’m all alone inside my mind

I shy away from help and ignore the pleas from friends, because I’m hoping that I’ll find

A way to deal with this alone and not be such a burden, not be such a bother

After all the world is full of bleeding heart poets and I guess I am just another

I always hurt the ones I love and the ones that love me

I spit upon their trust and I simply cannot see

I am broken on the inside but only because that is what I choose to believe

I know that I am stronger than this, though it is hard to accept

I need to learn to ask for help before you finally leave

I’m scared I’ll actually do something that I will soon regret

I have finally learn to accept everything that you have said

The nightmares and the demons are slowly dying deep within my head

I know the road ahead will be even harder than it has ever been before

I will learn to trust you and make sure that I won’t doubt you anymore

Wasted so many words just trying to explain what it is I really mean

I am not really as good a poet as I have always thought I had been

Might not have looked like it at the time but I always put a lot of thought to everything I said

A part of me, back then, really truly did wish that I were dead

I won’t lie there will be days when I will stumble and feel like ending it all

Life is not meant too be easy, I just hope that you will catch me when I fall

I cannot promise anything because we both know that words mean nothing

They only end up hurting you but I promise that I will do everything

To make all the pain that I’ve inflicted on you feel worth it

To bring a smile to your face because you deserve it

Looking back I can finally see that I am not the person that I used to be

And with your help I know the road ahead can finally set me free

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Notes For A Bitter Tomorrow

Every time that I feel happy you always bring me down to earth

Remind me who I really am and what it is I’m really worth

Never thought the day would come where I would lie myself to sleep

Every time the morning comes you’re the heartache that I keep

Stored inside my heart and mind you’re just the nightmares that I used to call my dreams

The truth remains that no matter how hard I try to keep my smile I’m always ripping at the seams

I thought you meant the world to me but why is it that I’m always wrong?

Never man enough to show my scars try to hide myself away inside my stupid little song

Another verse to fill my heart and remind me what it is that I already knew

My life is just the product of every lie that I thought that I could make come true

And still I try to right my wrongs and make something of this mess I call my life

Ready to fix all of my mistakes and try to bring an end to all my strife

I’ll tell you that on a Christmas day all my dreams came true but they weren’t what I wanted anymore

Always longing for the way things used to be before I broke my heart, always longing for something more

Did not take the time to notice that this is just the way my life will always be

Another heartache stuck on the idea of what I thought would one day be you and me

Creating scenes inside my head of things that never will come true

Of the nights we’d spend together and all the things that we would do

Still clinging to the hope that I could one day be with you

The saddest thing is that after all the pain you put me through

Always I’ll find myself coming back to you

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The Color Of Silence Pt.6 (Until The End)

The time with you, those nights we spent

Are days that I just want to play over and over again

The things you said made so much sense  I never wanted it to ever end

But the words you said that day you went

They hurt me more than anything

I lost my faith I lost my hope I lost the thing that meant the most

I couldn’t talk I couldn’t speak Just thinking back I felt so weak

And I can’t pretend that I didn’t cry

Because of you I’ve spent many sleepless nights

But through the tears I can still smile

You’ve found a way to make life worthwhile

And the words you left run through my head

I can’t forget the words you said:

“No matter what, No matter when

We’ll be together until the end

We’re more than this, we’re more than friends

This is a feeling that can’t be pretend

No matter what, and no matter why

I’ll always be there when you cry

I’m in your heart and you are in mine

It’s you and me until the end of time

Nothing will change between you and me

I hope you know that this is meant to be

And even though I have to go I hope you never feel alone

Because I love you now like I loved you then

And we’ll be together until the end”

 Original: 6-8-2008