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comeonthrough · 9 years ago

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I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I’ve been really busy trying to finish up the semester and graduate and there’s a million other things on my mind. But today, I had to push things back a little bit and leave some time for a very special person.

11 years ago on this day a part of me left this world.My mom did not lose her fight with cancer. My mom was a survivor no matter what people say. She struggled and overcame. You hear about cancer almost everywhere you go. It’s on the news, it's on posters at the bus stop, heck we even have a whole months dedicated to cancer awareness but you never really start to think about until it literally hits home.

I can remember this day 11 years ago clear as day. I was in 7th grade, went to school wearing one of those cheesy bright red hoodies with the american flag and a golden retriever on it and for some reason I didn’t want to go home after school that day. So I dragged my friend to the 99 cent store near my house to buy my dad brown shoelaces because I remembered he needed them. I remember the black bag in hand walking at a snail’s pace back home. I remember reaching my apartment door only to find that it was open. I hesitated to open it all the way cause I knew it only meant one thing... my dad is home. There is no reason for my dad to be home at that hour unless... The reason why I knew all this was because the doctor a few days ago gave my dad and I an estimation of 3-7 days before my mom passed away. So, coming home to an open door only meant one thing.

And I remember the first thing my dad said to me. He rises from the couch and whispers “알지?” meaning “do you know?” in Korean. And we embrace each other and still from the shock I hug him back. I vividly remember the car ride to the hospital. I vividly remember seeing my mom on the hospital bed and the people surrounding her. I’ll save you the other details but I’ll just say one thing. I’ve never touched anything that cold in my life, even till now.

There was a nurse that stayed with my mom till her last breath. She told us that she woke up early in the morning feeling energetic. She asked the nurse to put on a CD of korean hymns and Christian songs that she had in her bag. The nurse told us my mom she sang along with the songs, read the bible and prayed quietly on her bed. My mom was a devout Christian. Despite her sickness which had spread all throughout her body limiting her mobility, she attended early morning prayer as much as she can and never missed Sunday service. I remember a funny story my dad once told me. My mom apparently gave my dad an ultimatum when he proposed to her that if he wants to marry her he had to promise her that he will attend church with her. My dad volunteered his time and services to the church, read the bible about five times and seems to be growing in faith every year. Amazing isn’t it?

Just the night before a bunch of church members came to visit my mom. We sang a few songs and had a short service. What a blessing it was that my mom was able to see her friends once more and her friends to see my mom one last time. But in my immaturity and embarrassment of my sick mom, the last thing I said to my mom was a quick “bye” wanting to get out of the whole thing as quick as possible. The crazy thing was that about three people that night told me to say “I love you” to her. It still haunts me that I never got to say those simple three words that night.

And so today, I bought pretty flowers in the colors my mom loved and drove out to eastern Long Island where my mom is buried and paid my respects. I called my dad after I was done and we had a brief conversation. The first thing he asked was “did you cry?” and my answer was “no, there’s nothing to cry about”. I mean that in the best way possible. My mom suffered, our family suffered and her passing was inevitable. But, I never once was mad at God for taking her from us. In fact, I was thankful. And still today I am thankful. My family has been through alot and I don’t think I would be the person I am today without those trials and obstacles. My mom’s passing allowed me to grow up, appreciate my family, love my family and helped me to live my life with strength and hope like my mom had. My dad says he wishes my mom was around to see the strong woman I’ve become while I told my dad I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her passing. And then... cue the tears. Honestly, I would love the chance to see her once more. To hold her, tell her I love her, to pray with her...

I know that she is with the heavenly Father. Cancer free and healthy. And I know that she is proud of the person, the woman I’ve become. I will be graduating with my Master’s in Biology and will start an amazing internship this summer doing research. My mom was a Chemistry major might I add! Like daughter like mom. I guess these are the moments I wish I could share with her but it’s all the more I get to talk to her about when we meet again.

And so, I go to bed tonight knowing that I’m blessed and thankful to my God for giving me the family I have on this Earth.

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comeonthrough · 9 years ago

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