confessedforme

[confessedforme]

chino post 2

[confessedforme]

June 6th

Feeling heartbroken, sorta disappointed. The BBQ went well yesterday. Love my homies... PJ didn't come of course. I think he's scared. I understand. But i think he should express that to me instead of just ignoring. The BBQ was successful- people showed up. It was fun. I still made lemonade.

Xavier texted me while i was grilling- it sucked my energy out quite literally. I felt my heart sink. He loves to play games, it's disgusting. He texted me about money he says i owe him, like 100 bucks i borrowed from him for rent when we were dating months ago. You fucking bitch I owe you nothing. He either is broke as shit or is trying to piss me off. He's so talented, he's so good at making me angry. He likes it, he's so fucked up. If he was texting me to open a door or something- to say hey- that's different. He's texting to take again. Get the fuck away from me rat. Fucking filth. I've never hated anyone in my life. But i hate xavier. I hate him so much. Every time I think maybe it can work, he fucks it up. All he does is fuck things up. All he does is make things dirty. He's fucking scum, he destroys and he takes. He's rot and death. I want him far away from me. He sucks the life out of me. Every time I hope that he'll return changed and offering love, he fucks it up. I remind myself of everything he fucked up. I hate him. Lazy filthy rat. I can't believe i fell for it. You tricked me. The whole time it was a game.

[confessedforme]

chino post

[confessedforme]

May 31

I'm not sure if today is the new moon or if it was yesterday.

Alejandro texted me out of nowhere, and apparently he's in nyc for the summer... how interesting.

He's sweet and very charming, he makes me feel calm which is really good. I can talk to him cool, I can be aloof, and he eats it up- my mystery. We talked for a bit and listened to music. I was uncomfortable for a sec- because he kept playing romantic songs. We fucked and it was alright. His body weight on me. He kissed me a lot and it was sexy. I tried to not think of Xavier. It makes me want to cry. Just his name, the way its written.. when i look at it or when i think it- it makes me cry still. He's really dead.

We fucked twice. It was okay. Of course I didn't cum. But it felt good, to have sex with someone that respects me. I guess this is how hook ups should be. I would prefer maybe going on a little date first like hang out.. but honestly the best part is the part about no feelings so i think i'll stick to empty sex for now. We slept, we cuddled a little but i felt too weird... being so close to him like that.

I was fading away in the dark. Just high and a little sad. He gently traced his fingers up and down and in little circles on my leg. It was so sweet. I thought of xavier, i thought of his brown skin. His devilish grin. I thought of laying in his arms- so happy that i belonged to him. I felt so small. He was everything to me. I loved you so much.

In the morning i made coffee and i put expired milk in his cup by accident. I think this is symbolic for some reason. I poured the coffee down the drain and we left.

We smoked a cig on my stoop and drank deli ice cup coffee...

mmm watery..

It was casual. I wouldn't trust alejandro, he's too cute. He's too charming and it's cute but it's not for me. He's never been interested in me as more than my looks i think. But that's ok, I've never been interested in him more than what he's given me.

I miss xavier almost everyday. I wish he wasn't so mean to me... really. I won't lie- I wish i could shower right now too. Feel kinda gross. Maybe cause I biked to work.

Also the guy from before texted me, the hood guy with the big dick and a car. I'm a little scared but we'll see- I'll test him- maybe i'll call him- maybe i should get really fucked up and then call him. idk. He's just so ugly, do i really want to do this to myself?

I want chino :( I want chino moreno, i wanna be his girl. I'll be nice to him. I'm a little insane but i try and im sweet and i'll try and we can work it out.

[confessedforme]

May 27

My dad called me just now.

It always freaks me out when he contacts me. It's been a while since I've heard from him. His timing is always wrong. I think I loved xavier because i thought he was like my dad. Maybe if xavier loves me, I'm good. I know im not bad. But it turns out xavier didn't stay. And neither did my dad. I don't know what i really expected. Anyway.

My dad called me and it was weird and hearing him talk to me made me so angry. I could feel it in my chest. I was so angry. I kept thinking what makes you think I want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you. Maybe I'm just mad. Maybe I'm mad at too many people. i can't confuse it, I have to be certain. I feel like crying. Nothing is quite fair but I'll try to be good to balance it. I don't know how but I'll try.

Whatever. Fuck xavier. My dad is crazy so I forgive him. xavier is young. I don't think my dad can change but xavier can. xavier can be good. But he doesn't want to be good. And that's why i hate him. because he is lazy and because he knows. It's the worst thing. It's so horrible- it makes me sick. I feel so sick when i think about it. Really.

How can you know what you're doing is wrong and continue to do it? Is it not wrong to you too? I guess who am i to say whats wrong and right. But i think that if the things you're doing are hurting others, destroying beautiful things and generally just bullshit that doesnt matter to the universe..then- you are doing the wrong things. Bringing harm to others. Killing love. No- You can't kill love. You can kill the version of yourself that faked love. You eluded love. Like a coward. You run from the water at the shore, but it's nice when it kisses your feet. it's nice being loved. I feel slightly better now. Writing helps a bit. I need a drink.

PS

They are art handling in the warehouse space next to me. So close yet so far. Although i wouldnt want to work with the creepy old white guy that seems to manage the place. He was into me. Maybe he could pay my rent.

[confessedforme]

i don't know how to write. I want to make it clear- this is just for me. I can see this and contain it. My strong desires to be loved, accepted- never abandoned. People come and go and that's how it goes but i don't like it and you can stay if you wanted to, if you really tried. But you choose to run away- like a coward and you know you're a coward. Am i cursed? is this why?

I am forgotten after a good night, i am forgotten during the sunny days

[confessedforme]

Brian

This guy was blond, tall, mean looking. He was mean too... but not really to your face. My face. Mean like he fucked mean. I told him to relax in our texts but he was way too fired up to stop. He came over at around 3AM. He kissed me sweetly and then we had sex for what i remember to be an epically long time. I was so tired. He fucked me hard, it was ok. He wanted to be called daddy, so i called him daddy. He wanted to be dirty, but it was kinda cringe and stupid and i didn't think he deserved any kind of slavery from me. We did anal and we fucked again in the morning when we woke up. It was nice to cuddle him. I thought of Xavier in the dark. I guess it took Brian a long time to cum because he was drunk. It was fun in the moment, but it really was a waste of time. I was so tired the next day. I didn't really feel dirty or used, i felt more disappointed if anything. It all traced back to Xavier and how he was the best sex i've ever had. I loved him so much you know? and when we had sex, it was beautiful.

[confessedforme]

may 26

so i've started this blog and its creation is based on my need to confess. First I've been going through some changes. Changes in my appearance-

2 eyebrow piercings, blonde hair, dark makeup. Belly button ring.. dark clothes

I've changed socially- my friends are more welcoming, more outgoing, more mature and more honest. I like my friends a lot. I'm starting to feel more accepted in community. Saying hi and making new friends. I love making art and working with people- i really do. Although sometimes I may avoid people only because i am afraid.I want to mention that I'm struggling with sex. This blog might turn into sexual confessions but idk.

I haven't had sex in two months... the last time i had sex was with sam and it wasn't very good. I didn't feel good during it, like real pleasure- at times i felt bored or just really weird because sam wasn't very good at using their dick. It sounds mean but it's true. I did like the way that sam touched me and held me really tight. It was very sweet, loving even- so i did enjoy the fact that they treated me really nice. I tried to invite a guy over to hookup and it went bad- i mean i told him to leave- i felt annoyed at him so i told him to leave and i was so happy when he did. but yeah... it hasn't been successful. I met him on tinder. Tinder, the hell hole. I've met all my last boyfriends on there. Maybe it's cursed. I'm talking to this guy with a large dick. It's huge. It really turns me on thinking about it. He seems really ugly. I don't really like his face and i literally don't know anything about him- and i don't want to. Something about him reminds me of Xavier and I like it. He seems hood, sorta like he'd fuck me good. He'd fuck me dirty. I want to get fucked like that by a big dick. And then i never want to see him again. I asked him if he's ever hooked up outside and he said no but suggested we could hook up in his car. That would be hot. I've never had car sex. That would be so hot.

We'll see what happens. I do admit that I feel scared at times- of my feelings. I'm not certain if they are hidden for now or if i can truly maintain my composure. Xavier said i have no chill. He said that i can never chill, I'm too much. And I don't think thats true at all. I dont listen to anything he says, he makes no sense. He makes me feel so crazy. Anyway. I wonder what will happen. I do feel so but so very violently horny. So thats probably why I want to have car sex with a well endowed stranger... I do feel lonely too. So maybe that's why I'm scared, I do not want to face that empty feeling that comes after. But maybe it will come...