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confessionspace · 13 days ago

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Very small suicide trigger warning

I am not deserving of love. Everything I have ever done has been for others, and I find joy in others' happiness, so I keep giving but I have never been loved in return the way I feel like I need. I don't think I will be. I wish I had the words to describe this emotion simply, but I don't know them. I wish I had someone to tell this to but I cannot trust the people in my life enough. I am happy with them all, truly I am. I adore seeing their smiles and I love watching my friends and my family develop in life, being given the privilege to with how much I seem to hurt someone every other step I take is something I do not take lightly, but they don't know me in a way I want, because if they did they'd change the way they look at me. I fear some may even leave, because if I am not a lifeline of joy then I am not who they need.

I want someone to understand me truly but I don't think the time is right. It doesn't help that every time I try to get closer, I try to open a little bit more, they leave. It only proves my point. It doesn't help that both times felt like a knife through my spine and the worst of the two I'd rather hold a gun in my mouth than experience again. I still love them both dearly, just as I love the vast majority of humanity, but it's with a pain.

Nothing I do seems to be enough though, or at least never taken romantically. I can give in every other relationship type, I can give and give, but I have nowhere to put myself. I've had to support myself my whole life, since the day I was 8 years old and we learned my dad passed and everyone left me behind with him I've had to learn everything on my own. I've had to support myself for so many years now and I'm struggling to keep the weight of others up too. But I can't ask for help, for another support because that would require that someone would want me in the way I need, in the way I want. But no one has. And I sincerely doubt the day when someone does will come anytime soon, because I'm stuck here in the same place for another two years because money is a horrible horrible thing that we've deemed a requirement.

So, instead, I have to back away. I have to put walls up further because the less of myself I show the easier it is to be the lifeline they deserve. It's less taxing if I don't have to deal with my problems, and it keeps the supports up if I don't shake them. I know I'm a support structure because every time I've fallen back because I need to fix something, someone else falls with no catch. And it hurts me, it hurts me a lot to see the people I care about fall because they don't deserve that. Everyone I love deserves so much to be happy, to have a place to rest, have something to catch them when they fall and I feal sorry every time I'm too late to catch them, and have to instead default to damage control. I understand pain makes growth in many ways, and there is no way to live a full life without some form of pain, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer alone. That doesn't mean that when you fall there shouldn't be something to soften it a little.

I'm just accepting that for the time being, I will not, as I ever have, have that in the same way. I am not deserving of love yet, and it shows. I hope I can be someday.

Submitted August 19, 2025.

#tw suicide #cw suicide #confessions #confession #confess

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confessionspace · 17 days ago

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Submitted August 17, 2025.