contemplatingnight

[contemplatingnight]

Point of Redirection

Hey Tumblr,

It's been a while. With a heavy heart, I write this down.

Currently, it's a full moon on Sunday night, 7 September where it's full moon eclipse and in Pisces retrograde. Blood moon eclipse, they said. They said this full moon is a big one in astrological phenomenon. Where it's an ancestral moon; healing lineages and awakening souls. A cosmic checkpoints where life veers into new timelines, through sudden endings or revelations.

"End the cycle of illusion, denial, and control. Heal ancestral stories that no longer define you. Step into a destiny path guided by intuition, compassion, and truth.

It is a time of karmic release, ancestral healing, and soul awakening. A doorway into a new timelines, where destiny is no longer resisted but embraced - Not a chaos, but cosmic realignment to awaken"

Welp, quoted above, what I'm feeling right now is angry, stressed, anxious, and a bunch of mixed emotions. Mostly stressed and angry.

I don't know why I'm angry to be honest, and if I'm currently in the fight or flight mode since there are several things pending at my work.

But I've been feeling this in a while now for couple months, and the feeling heightened during this time. Especially today.

It feels like I don't want to work in corporate anymore. I'm tired of holding myself down and downsizing my potential.

I don't know the exact steps of my plan, but I know what I'm feeling is real. The last time I felt this, it was when I was on a bridge of either resigning or not from my previous company. I was in a bridge of insanity. and now it feels that way again.. I'm slowly losing into insanity and really losing my sparks.

I don't know what will I do...

-A

[contemplatingnight]

Content

Hey Tumblr,

It's been a while..

Because my new workplace's laptop couldn't access tumblr, so I couldn't freely write. But now I got a new one yayy finally after all the contemplation for 5+ years:")

Right now.. I feel very contempt, but in a "calm before the storm" content.

I don't know if this is a real contempt, but I know it's not a fully positive feeling because I'm feeling that I'm still being alerted all the time for something I don't know what's about to come.

I feel like there are many things running in my head right now Mostly on what I want to achieve in life, feeling so little time, so little energy, and a bit of being pessimistic of myself on "can I achieve that?" feeling. I don't know why.. but it's making me questions about myself, which I rarely do.

It feels like I'm chasing anything, everything, and so scared of so little time.

I feel like I'm content, in a good place, but I'm not relaxed..

Until yesterday I told my man about every sickness that was suddenly came and he mentioned it's because I can't relax.

The word stumbles me for a second.. welp, until now

Because I thought, I did relax..

But yeah of course, my mind is never empty and always chasing things, but at least my heart still feels somehow positive about it, so it kinda feel like relaxed right?

Until now I kind of questioning my life's plan.

In the midst of this calmness, I know this is also a God's test on how he wanna showed me why he was postponing all of those blessings and great news into my life.

Because when it comes to easy, I would not appreciate it.

I would not be motivated.

and God tested me on can I still feel whole, eagerly, motivated-ly wake up every day in my life and go to the place and life where I was once prayed for?

He humbles me by giving what I want, knowing it's also a test for me on how can I be discipline about receiving his blessings.

Nothing in this life comes easy, but all I know.. I don't know if this is feeling relax or not, but this content feeling and my wildered thoughts is also a challenge for me to keep appreciate for what I already have right now and be discipline about maintaining his blessings.

I don't know if all of the things that I want to pursue for myself, the target I aim for my future, is a reflection of unsatiable hunger of worldly acts or am I also being directed into a better life.

All I know is.. God's plan always works. and I need to be humble and discipline enough to keep my blessings.

Love,

-A

[contemplatingnight]

Sign at unexpected times

Hello Tumblr,

Life is funny sometimes isn't it? or perhaps deep down, God really knows what you need without saying it out loud..

I had a big fight after years trying to mend the relationship with my dad. The fight didn't feel "fun" or righteous anymore and because I'm not some 20s something or a teenager who's mad at my dad.

A couple weeks earlier I even talked good things about him. Knowing it's like a needle in a pile of hay. After what he did to me, I don't know why I'm still trying to find reasonably good things about him. Hoping it would make it easier for me to forgive him. Hoping it would just a bad "drama" or fight and nothing serious.. But I was wrong.. or some part of me has awakened.. or is it just me reaching 30.

I had a pretty big fight with my dad.. In my defense, I was neighing the fight to protect someone, and to protect me.

But, instead, I'm the one who's hurt. I'm the one who cracked my soul open for someone who didn't even thank for the things I did to them

After the fight, I'm the one who got blocked, banned, and dissed, while the one who I'm trying to protect is laughing and enjoying the day like nothing happened with the abuser.

I feel like.. I'm not wanted and I'm not enough

Even I'm currently writing in my own home and now it feels like I'm just paying visit in some acquaintance's house. I'm feeling odd in my own home and feel being apart and disconnected.

I don't know what I should do to handle this emotion because I know if I dig deep into this, I'm gonna crack. I know I've been through worse before, but.. this one feels real and cut me deeply. Everyday I'm trying to fight the hell feeling by being numb, but I know it's unresolved.

Yesterday I just found out that I'm being blocked, and the rest of my family think it's just another random acts of my dad on why he did that. I put an act like everything was fine and they believed it. No one even knows how bad I'm screaming and crying inside my soul.

To be honest.. I asked God deep in my heart on how to manage this emotion. At least please give me a sign about this..

..and then I watched a Supernatural episode.

The line in the episode that I even mentioned to my boyf on how it kept me going and sane when I had a big fight with dad and feeling unsure about myself.. in my teenage years, which is like 10++ years ago.

..and without my knowledge, I watched the same episode that talks about it..

Supernatural season 7 episode 10,

as how sad the episode is because Bobby is gone,

He left a great line that I'll cherish for life:

"Who the hell were you to say? Punching women and kids is that what they called fatherhood in your day? I was a kid. Kid ain't supposed to be grateful. They're supposed to eat your food and break your heart, you selfish dick"

This line saved me as a kid.

Dad was and still is a beater from my teenage years. I used to wonder where did I do wrong, because mom was gone, I was a scholars in school, and I never did any harm. I got a great job and position and the last fight he's still making me feel like I'm worthless, making me feel like I'm that 15 years old again who's questioning her own worth even though now I'm reaching 30. It feels like everything I did was not enough, even he's not proud of saying or claiming I'm his daughter.

I feel really lost and deep in my heart I asked God for a sign because no one hears me scream, and I won't show it to anyone but I feel lost..

Then I watched the show.. so suddenly and unexpectedly.

How that line heals me a little.

How I used to experience the same thing, even much in the younger age that I am right now, but I still manage to pass it..

Thank you God..

I'm scared and feeling anxious about everything.. but thank you for giving me a little sign that everything (hopefully) is going to be okay...

I trust your plan is better than mine

Love..

-A

[contemplatingnight]

2025 Opening Letter: A Promised

I'm sorry it took me 5 years to be brave to choose yourself ya dis. I'm sorry it took me this long, we could've been happier and more trusting on our own capabilities. But this time I choose me. I choose my own happiness and I'm trusting more on my capabilities.

Bismillah.

Love,

-A

[contemplatingnight]

2024: A Season of Letting Go

Hey Tumblr, it's been a while & Happy New Year!:)

Welp, to summarize 2024, it has been a really roller coaster year, but definitely a season of letting go.

So for 1st starter, as I've mentioned here before, the 1st starting year is kind off starting "badly" where I didn't win an award, but back then I tried to find the silver linings of it. But I forgot the silver linings and still pursuing the hopeless rat race/competition:)

Then, it was like 2023 again where I had no manager, director, my team mate was in maternity leave, and I should cover all of their position. I even got "empty" promises, where I was believed that I would get a promotion soon:) Why I mentioned it was "empty", because it was a false hope where it feels like it was very promising and believable at that time. But turns out, 3 quartals later:) I tried to claim that promise to HR team, where I was brutally faced with mockery, another false hope, and uncertertainty. I was seeking for clarity, but the clarity at that time is unclarity:) and the biggest plot twist of all time is that, the HR itself, where they should've or could've been the one to save me. Turns out to be the biggest disappointment ever. It was like the tip of the iceberg who turns out to be the villain, not the hero. Because they also got corrupted and brainstormed by the politics. Not even trying to see behind the facade of everyone else, where it means that all of these awards and achievements are meaningless. I'm a very striving & achievement-oriented person and when I know this, it was like... I was very very heart broken because of it. It was like my head feels like being chopped off all at once where I see no future to continue & all of my tears, hard work, and sleepless nights have been meaningless...

It was very very hard for me to accept the truth. Because it feels like you're running a marathon non stop for 5 years, excel at everything you do, you even gave 120% for everything that you do, achieving global awards where you had no supervise at all for the campaign that you built, and still managing >3bn Eur business size, managing the role for 4 person, while still achieving and running the business well. It was very very hard for me. Truth to be told, of course the noises come again, why did they do this to me? Why this is my journey? Why am I being stopped? Why am I being tackled again for my future? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY NOT ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

It was very very very excruciating for me. To face the uncontrollable outcome, where all of these time I was making sure everything towards that goal.

The process was that hard for me where I even feel like I was having a thin line of my sanity left at that point where I was holding on to not becoming crazy. I think this is the 1st time in my life I ever felt this way. Where I almost can be crazy:)

And the next "processing" part was not easy at all. It was a hellish process as well. After that I tried the last fight of seeking clarity, in which if I still have a future in here or not. Then I asked, my HR director, my marketing director, peers, and including my guidance - previous marketing director. To summarize, they're very disappointed with how my HR manager handling that case, it was very unprofessional of him. But, still.. I got no clarity about my future:) There was no one to backed me up, give me clarity and assurance about my future despite all of these achievements and sacrifices I'd given to this company. It was a very heart broken thing to hear and acknowledge...

Then I spent almost 2-3 weeks being a hermit and secluded myself at home to protect my sanity and processing everything. I was crying to 1-2 months straight almost every night and every occasion because I still couldn't believe this was happening to me. I even developed depersonalization for 2 months straight because I couldn't bare and handled how my hopes and reality were crashing down to none.

The silver lining is. I tried to open up to my family about it, even my dad. I even consulted to psychiatrist and psychologist to seek out what is wrong with me.

Then, at one night discussing it with my step mom, I broke down in tears for the 1st time in front of her. At that time she consulted to me and concluded how I felt. In which, I was not accepting the situation. I was being hard at myself for not achieving the situation. Acceptance, Let Go, and Ikhlas - is what I felt really hard to do at that time. She helped me to recognize and summarize what I've been through and it snapped me back to reality after 2 months of depersonalization. She helped me focus on my struggle and what I should do to overcome it.

After that I went to psychologist and told her about everything. One thing she helped me to acknowledge is that, other than it was hard for me to accept and let go, it was hard for me because I still have many uncovered trauma and scars because all of what's happening to me for these past 5 years. All of the trauma, bullying, belittle, undermine, side eyes, disrespect, disempowered, under dogs, be hindered, loneliness, and being secluded for everything I should have is still uncovered.. It makes me open my eyes about everything. How I still not covering & processing these 5 years trauma to acceptance & let go level.

At the same time, I got offer from some place else, where it was a promotion to higher level and higher salary. After processing about the disappointments for these past 1-2 months, my 1st decision for starting new and cutting all of the toxic-ness from my life was I decided to move to a new place:)

And I'm ((shortly)) very excited but very scared to start from clean slate again:)

--

What I know is.. it's a long journey for sure. But what I also do know is.. I don't want to carry this heavy burden to my new place. I want to start clean, rebranding myself, and reprogram about who I am for a better person and life.

So it will be a long journey, but I'll manage.

This year I tried to control everything and expect other people, external factors, write narratives about how I should live and treat my life. I think that was also the hardest part for me to acknowledge that I should build my own narrative about my life and do not forget that my happiness is how I treat and decide for my own life.

Also, I can't control everything in life. I can control of what I can respond and see my life for the better. Than, rely heavily dependent on others, still looking at the past, and forgot about my own wings.

This year taught me to surrender to God, into the unknowns, where it slapped me in the face that I couldn't control everything.

--

I will embrace this new year with gentleness towards myself, start to loving myself more, trusting my capabilities, and trust that I deserve the happiness I create.

I will welcome 2025 with gentleness of processing everything and trust into the unknown of new beginnings, also with trust that I am capable of my own wings.

Bismillah.

Love,

A:)

[contemplatingnight]

Blooming Season

Hey Tumblr,

So I'm gonna tell you something that I have not been feeling in a while..

Yeah it's still going to be a rambling post, but now there's a light by the end of a tunnel.

Yesterday, I just got "slapped" by myself, to myself, and for the sake of myself. It was kind of an epiphany moment where after a very very veryyyy long time, I just realized what should I've done, how I'm feeling about everything, about my past, my current moment, and my future, and the things I should and should've been done.

Fast forward and recap, within these past 2 years in my current role, I've launched 5 projects with the total of ~30ish SKU in which it all generated >20mEur. Sounds a very busy life and tiring right?:) On top of that, all of the projects marked with all achieved green KPI. Also, in every year, there'll be awarding night session for those who are "perceived" as remarkable employees. So it's like "employee of the year". And guess what? To put the cherry on top, in both years..... I. didn't. even. get. one. :)

So last year when I didn't get the award, I was very very very angry, in despair, and even cried so hard to my boyf because after all the struggles that I've encountered, the sleepless nights, the silent bullying, the negative sentiments, critics, deadlines, and everything in between, I still didn't get the award.

I can say that it critically damaged me in a way I'm evaluating how I see myself as a person. For so long, I've seen myself with what I've accomplished in life. A reward, a target, a rank, whatever you can accomplish that's where I see myself. So, after all of the hard work that I've done, and I still didn't get the reward, I was seeing myself as a failure and an estrange. Because at that time, I was thinking, "Why people won't nominate me? Why people keep rejecting me? What have I done wrong?" and it's very very damaging to myself. Being the kid who always see themself in that way is very damaging and excruciating.

After that, I promised to myself that when next year came, which was this year awarding session, that thing won't impact me as much as I felt that night.

Fast forward to this year awarding session, I still didn't get it.. Even though the only "senior" player left is me in the category. :) To be honest, at that time, that negative self talk comes again.. But this time, it felt more like a betrayal. I was betrayed and cheated from the game that I didn't even get a chance to begin with. The game has been corrupted by the ones who handles the power that I was not on the same level to begin with. Where I had no one at that level to defend me. I was feeling very sad, angry, but this time feel more on the betrayal.

Buttt because of that, I realized that the game has been unfair from the start, so why do I keep playing and pushing the losing game? It's not me who's wrong, who's uncapable, who's bad enough, who's weird, and who's not achieving. But the game itself. A bit of relieved arise me from that thought.

Hence a couple days ago, after I gave myself a slap-talk, I know what I'll be doing and how I'm feeling about it.

I'm no longer want to feel like I'm drowning. I won't let myself be drowned, where I know there are things around me that can save me and help me grow where I wanna be. I won't let myself be foolish to thinking by staying in the same drowning river, I'll get to the pot of gold, not knowing if the pot of gold even existed from the start or am I be the one who get more damaged by staying still in a drowning river for the gold "chips" that I've collected along the way. I won't let myself to not take actions about my life.

I have to start taking actions. I will start taking actions for myself. I will step out from the drowning river and seek for my destiny.

Whatever life throws at me, at least I'll keep moving and not staying stuck and still in a drowning river, not having a clue, lifeless, and handleless about my life.

I don't know if I'll encounter another pot of gold, a tiger, or else, but my life is short and I won't look back at my life, seeing I was just like a still log floating in the river.

I have to take actions for myself.

This is my blooming season. I will take care of myself and I will achieve what I want in life. I won't be fear of losing something to uncertainty.

More trusting on God and the universe is how it feels like, but with confidence that this is my time to shine and I got what it takes!

Bismillah.

Love,

-A :)

[contemplatingnight]

Seconds on Fate

Hi love,

After that night, my mind keeps playing to each words that we said.. Second guessing whether we should've talked about it or not.

My hearts dreaded for the day it comes, but somehow yearning but deep down I know.. it will be a make it or break it situation..

I keep pushing down my ego to starve the questions from the answers that it belongs.. I think it's better than losing you in a blink of a second...

After that,

My heart is sinking, relieved.. but sinking....

Knowing in a blink of an eye, this situation somehow will change us..

I keep questioning whether we should've, what ifs, and if rather not..

But also.. in a blink of an eye..

After absorbing all of your questions, 10 years is playing back in my memories in a blink of a second in where the time go..

All the ups and downs.. All the drama.. All the fighting.. All the crying.. All the anger.. yet all of the joy.. All of the laughters.. All of the silliness.. All of the cuddles.. Drive thru foods, takeouts, cooking.. All of the grace.. All of the lights.. All of the warmth.. All of the love.. and the feeling of home....

All the questions and feelings take me back to the day where we stood still in 10th grade..

In where..

Asking myself, what would I do if I could turn back the time?

Knowing how much that I could lose.. Yet, knowing how much I've been loved.. knowing how much I feel alive.. and for the very 1st time feeling like I'm home..

Whether if I should turn my head right away knowing what's the bet.. or still going on the road knowing what I've had is once in a life time..

What would you do love?

What I know right now is.. I don't want to lose you. I pray each and every night to God for me to always having you in my life.. To always have that silly goose face in my life.. Always having your arms to pick me up whenever I fall in life.. Always have a place to call home.. and to always be with you..

I pray to God each and everyday, For right now.. I'm in the moment where my future self see me in a blink of a second where I don't have to regret the decision that made because I choose you.

I don't want to linger the feeling of what ifs and a life full of regret..

Love.. I choose you.

In every seconds and heart beat, I choose you.

Hopefully you'd choose me too.

Love, A

[contemplatingnight]

Two Worlds

So Hey Tumblr,

It’s been a while and it’s passed my birthday, but perhaps the yearly reflection can wait.

So currently, it’s late at night and almost midnight, and I’m on my way home after company’s retreat

It was really fun, but with a bad ending.

This was an eye opening experience, so apparently people can really be that cruel to others.

So, today I got “subtly” bullied and dissed by someone in front of others.

And how they made some remarks that they don’t have any empathy to others at all.

They said that when people go to work or climbing corporate ladder because of family reasons or they want better life for their family, it’s not a strong motivation in life or in corporate world.

Born and raised in a situation where the world makes me put my family first, the main reason behind every success, and every choice that I made, I really took that personally.

Because, I think there’s no stronger motivation in life, where you want better situation for yourself and your family. It’s not one head that you must think about, but several heads, responsibilities, and lives under you.

It’s easy to think about yourself, but it’s hard when you need to pull others too.

After that, I was immediately thinking and reflecting if the statement is true? Am I not strong or motivated enough? Am I incapable?

But, I was also immediately snapped back into reality and knock myself out that I AM CAPABLE. And what in the world is a statement that was.

I’ve had worked really hard, pushed everything aside, for me to have better ladder in career for better opportunities for my family

It was hard. It was fucking hard.

And hearing some people really think that makes me realize of what a shallow and fortunate world you live in until you can’t even begin to sympathize a simple struggle matter.

How lucky it must be for you.

But the key silver linings in this was, some people are just that evil, cruel, and how they don’t have empathy for others.

And how if someone ever insulted me that way again, I should remember that they are the ones who are very unfortunate, who are very weak to think about themselves, and not being able to bring others with them other than themselves.

And I AM CAPABLE.

If the situation see me as someone who’s not capable, while my works speaks for its number, then leave. Find the people and situations who can appreciate who you are.

You better buckle up A, you’ve got some mofos to approve again:)

-A

[contemplatingnight]

A Promise

No more endless whining, No more blank stares on the ceiling wishing on a whip of luck. No more "I wish", No more "If I was", No more "But", No more condemned wishes, No more vengeful dreams, No more broken promises for "just because", No more cheating on your destiny cause you're fulfilling the role of what other's expected of you, No more despise, No more hateful, crying towards, why this happens to me, No more of "they're so lucky", "nepo", "political", etc..

I'm the owner of my destiny

I OWE it to myself to MAKE myself PROUD.

If I'm not happy, then I should take a charge about it. You are the captain.

If you don't have a seat at the table, bring the seat to yourself.

Bring the lunch.

Bring the fucking bag.

Bring the luck.

Bring and create your own destiny.

No more on despising your own journey, your own future, your own destiny.

I WILL TAKE CONTROL.

I WILL MAKE MYSELF PROUD.

I WILL MAKE MY FUTURE PROUD.

I WILL MAKE MY FAMILY PROUD.

I WILL MAKE MY MOM PROUD.

-A

[contemplatingnight]

Final Closure?

Hey Tumblr,

It's been a while.. So yesterday marked my 4th year in this company. A lot of things happened.. The ups and the downs.. but mostly, how personally developed I am despite of it all.

So recently I just received a long awaited news, some kind of 'cue' directions for me whether I'll have the chance to go to the next level or should I change direction since there's no room for me.

So, the prayers have been answered and I kinda get the 'cue' where.. I should change direction.

These past few months, especially this year, I've really been working so damn hard. A lot of sleepless, crying night, where I also suffered really bad panic attacks and gerd.

I'm very ambitious person and a bit perfectionist I might say, and there's an internal ambition of me to show that I can become like them but not in the same route.

"Success is not linear", I always say to motivate me when things go hard and how I motivate myself to prove them wrong.

I did so many things, many projects, where it all went smoothly. "Green" or passed the standards even.

But, there are things that is beyond my control.

There's always people that will always bring me down.

It might seems silly, but I think when you already achieved ABOVE the metrics, but you're not succeeded just-because-there's gossiping, toxic, and backstabbing behavior, that is something that you can't control. It really feels like no one would see me win, even if I scored all the goals..

I cried a lot and hard after that.

Feeling really low and useless about myself...

But, I'm very very grateful to have my boyf..

"You might lose the battle, but you win the war"

I actually still a bit didn't get about it, but.. he mentioned that the projects' metrics "objectively" are something that you can measure yourself, and you already passed that. The problem is the people around you, not yourself.

You already proof yourself and should not be ashamed of things you didn't seem achieved right now. You already achieved that.

A lot of things he said a couple nights ago when we were talking about this, and afterwards.. I think it gives me some closure..

This company is very very toxic af. I thought things would change since I really achieved above all the targets, but the main pov is still on the eyes of every toxic person in the room.

Their level of behavior is really below my level and I don't wanna stoop that low.

I think it's time for me to move on..

To not prove anything but myself, and to navigate into the life that I want.

Honestly.. I'm really scared.. it really really scares me.. cause I don't know what ahead of me?

What if I fail? What if I never succeed like this? What if I let myself and everyone arounds me to shame and let myself and let them down? Will I forgive myself if I fail?

But, another thinking.. if I stay so long, nothing will ever change.. It will not change 180 degree. Nothing will changed that extreme.. and I will still feel this miserable..

Still feel this unconfident and low..

I need to bring myself up. I need to bring myself back up.

and I think.. I just got clarity on it.

Silver linings huh? It's been so long for me to hear and achieved the feelings

Bismillah, may this be a good thing.

Good luck!

-A

[contemplatingnight]

Changing Routes

Hey Tumblr, It’s been a while.. Well for short update, I just took almost 2 weeks of my personal day offs. In which, it was the longest since I’ve been working for almost 6 years.. and after that things felt different.. with me..

I don’t know if it’s because post-holiday blues syndrome, or long needed holiday, or something like that, but it definitely bring up something within me.

The holiday was really nice.. I enjoyed my time and felt my soul filling up after a while. And after a while, I really felt alive.. after a really long time...

The paces are slow, but it gave me the momentum to increase my knowledge in a rapid soul fulfilling way. Perhaps, what I need is that.

Ever since I’ve been working, or well all my life, I’ve been in a constant running and battle. Constantly moving, running, without ever stopping. Well, the holiday changes that. Since, I’m consciously choosing that I want to slow down, my body, mind, and heart are all adjusted to that. Taking my time and enjoying bits by bits.

Maybe deep down, I know what I want, I know what I need, but.. am I really brave enough to take that chances? To go for the unknown? without having any knowledge about it.

Going to the other side of what I’ve been building after all of these years, just for the sake of what? being sane? at peace? will the cost of what I’m risking is enough to create a happy life that I’ll enjoy to?

No one guarantees a happy ending, a happy life. If happiness a bit exaggerated, well maybe being at peace or sane, is it something that I could live with?

My life is full of chaos and rapid runs, where taking slow walks, pausing, is really a new thing for me.

Am I brave enough to go to the unknown? or is this just a phase?

- A

[contemplatingnight]

Misplaced

Hey Tumblr,

This was quick hello again from our last session. To be honest, I’ve been in a no good condition since my last post, feeling very down, clueless, stressing out about everything, having a headache for almost a week, and feeling like passing out every time.

It feels like the passing out feeling is a defense mechanism. I know I have a depersonalization when I have too much stressed, but currently what I feel right now is not a depersonalization from a conscious mind, but rather my mind want to go shut down or black out every now and then.

But I don’t even know what I’m stressing about.. I know it’s because of my family, my dad, works, and direction of life, but I just don’t have the map of how it triggers all of this numbness and deep feeling..

I’m so stressed out and overwhelmed about everything, I don’t even know why and how to cry anymore.

My body and mind just shut down and everything is all over the place.

I need a clear view

- A

[contemplatingnight]

Don’t shun away, Roar.

Hey Tumblr,

I think it’s been a while, I also skipped my yearly review due to all of the hectic-ness, but then about what I’ve felt a year full before, I’ve wrote it in different post. However, will post about the review later.

To be honest, these past few weeks have been very very uneasy for me. I always think that’s because the path that I chose this year: To grow, to be tiger, to roar. and it’s certain that it won’t be an easy path. However, it’s not been an easy journey for me. In which, when you aim high, you drive high, you must watch out for the stumbles. It’s like you’re riding a car in >150km per hour, you grip the steering wheel very tight, but at the same time very cautious about everything. Where, a little stumble feels like a big bump on the road. That’s how I feel right now.

Where the beginning of a year, 4 weeks past the new year, and it already feels like 4 months. 4 months of non stop driving, high speed, where I almost reached the end of it, but my battery is running low. Almost very low.

I think it’s because a part of me feels like this is a redemption for my past. For not doing the extra mile, not being the very best self when the opportunity window for me was opened, for my past excel self, not passing the MT, and for proving others wrong. I feel a part of me feels like I need to do this as a redemption for my self, and to others. 

To be very honest, I feel like I’m very tired, but I need to do this. I must do this.

“Scariest place to be is the same place as last year. Grow”

and how the line was never echoed more to me than it is right now.

I know I owe it to myself for the better future and show how strong I can be.

It’s very tiring. and I noticed that I was almost in the same feeling like when I was in MT last present. Where I was on a very high speed, very high opportunity, but I shunned away. In which, it’s very regretful and shameful to say that.. a part of me contributed to that. To that fail-ness..... and I think it’s a very very shameful and regretful thing to say.. especially to myself. In which, I look like a failure.

But now..

I have so many opportunities waiting for me to show my capabilities. and to be honest again, there’s a tendency of me to pull back into that dark area again, to self destruct.

But I’m also very cautiously looking at the steps that I take and how I feel. I’m going to put out the fire before it burned, I need to put out the fire before it burned, while cautiously stepping myself up to be the better version.

Bismillah, God, please help me and lead my way.

I know I can do this. I know I need to do this. I know I’m capable to do this.

Bismillah. Good luck baby girl.

I know we can do this.

Let’s roar.

Love,

A

[contemplatingnight]

Find your strength

Hey Tumblr,

It’s the yearly ritual again. Well, happy birthday to me!:)

Today is much more than a birthday, much more meaningful to me, since it’s been years.. well, 8 years since that last “incident”. How I always get so emotional knowing that I almost.. couldn’t make it this far years ago.. and how my life would’ve been ended years ago..

But I didn’t...

There are a few things that I picked up this year, in which:

1.) Learning on how to stand tall again. Reminiscing this past years, it’s been a battle of confidence and strength for me. Many people would like to see me down, stumbling, and burning, but I still stand. To be honest, I’m not going to play over confidence chill girl here, since the pressure of society’s expectation, critics, and even it can come from your closest ones can really burry your confidence really deep. It really takes a toll out of me to build the confidence one by one, but still I crawl.

I’m not going to over polished on how it has been a very dreading journey for me, but I also want to highlight the strength and courage in its journey. People talk, office gossips, the one who you taught will always be there for you, but backstabbed you..

What I learned is, those things really have an impact on you. Those things can really weight you down, but it really is up to you on how you want to navigate your own life. If you want your life story to be narrated into a “victim:, then so be it.. Or, if you want your life story to be narrated as a girl who survived - again (who has been your journey all along), then so be it.

The true courage always lies within you. You just have to had the courage and strength to look within. Even if it looks scary or if you don’t have that energy or mindset, then crawl, then baby steps.. Whatever you do, just keep moving forward, just keep showing the best that you can do, each and little by every day.

2.) Don’t expect from people to do the things that you’d do for them. Because expectation is just an abstract form of thinking and feeling, but not doing. You can always treat people better and kinder, but first, please be much kinder for yourself. If they don’t treat you the same, then leave. Wish them well and let them go.

If you want to do something for them, do it selflessly because you enjoy it, without having to compare if they’d do the same to you. There’s no need to hold grudges of anger, those energy can be used and transformed into something much more creative and beneficial to you. Respect yourself first, focus on yourself, and move on. 

3.) Your journey is not always comparable to another person. In this modern days, especially mid-adulthood, it’s very easy to compare and valued ourselves based on what we and other person have achieved. But where it will lead you? Nowhere.

What I’ve learned is that comparison is the enemy of happiness. Your A journey might be someone else’s G journey, and otherwise. We all have different timeline and different paths. No need to compare it to one another, since the starting journey to compare with has always been different. If you do so, it means, you’re not respecting the journey and value that you’ve created all along. So trust the process. Don’t overthink everything.

If you feel like you’re happy with the choices that you make, then so be it. Stick to what you feel is right. No other person can tell you otherwise since they are not in your shoes. Don’t live your life based on other people’s opinion.

Based on that, I think this year. It’s time to “level up” baby girl. I know it might seem a bit tiring, but that’s the sacrifice of success, and I know you can do it:)

Lastly, 

As always, I hope you find happiness years ahead. Also, building more courage and strength that you’ve been developing all year long. May you always have the courage and choose courage when it comes to something that challenge the hell out of you.

May you blessed with much more happiness, love, laughter, strength, confidence, and success.

Amen:)

Love

- A

[contemplatingnight]

In Transition

Hi Tumblr,

It’s been a while.. If I’m being honest, I’m not doing so good for months now... and I’m just acknowledging it now. It’s been a tough year for me, really has its ups and downs, and what I did at the current moment is being patience and I’m trying so hard to be compassionate about myself. 

With my family, friends, and lover, and with myself. I try my best to not let things ruin my work, but it did ruined me..

What I’m currently learning is that.. people will let you down and you will let people down. No matter how hard you try, you can’t please everyone. Hence, the best thing that you can do is try to be kind with yourself and to those around you. 

When it hurts, it bleeds, it bleeds so bad.. but I’m trying to be patient with everything, especially with myself, to not falling for the old coping mechanism.

But yeah God, these days are hard.

There are days when I was really close to giving up everything, but I’ve learned along the way that there are beautiful things on the journey.

Hopefully I can see the light again.

Love,

- A

[contemplatingnight]

Someday, Baby Girl!

Hey Tumblr,

I’m shocked and sad today.. super sad.. and more to disbelief.. At the current moment, I’m listening to the Taylor Swift - Mean, how it captures my current feeling where I thought this kind of thing lasted in high school.. but somehow it happens again today.. in my adult-professional-workplace:)

Where there’s a group of people that positively hate me.. but I don’t even know why.. I didn’t do anything wrong to those people, but still they treated me differently.. I know that there are two girls pioneering on how everyone somehow has to push me away...

It takes me back to high school era, but somehow this thing right now at the current work place and my adult life, it seems.. it has already been going for a very very long time....

I never think about it much, until today..

So last week, our team had an internal gathering to gave a farewell celebration to our former VP for taking the step outside organization. While we’re talking, one of my work mates mentioned that they wanted to have badminton session at that day, but unfortunately, many of the usual teams that were joined in that session couldn’t attend the session. Hence, she asked if they wanted to have the next session next week, which is today.. Somehow, because I was in the discussion circle at that time, I got invited. Knowing that actually, I never got invited by them before, and somehow I always knew how they got beef with me.. So, this person asked me at spot and I agreed to come to today’s session and she informed me that she’ll share the “invite” through Teams. Hence couple hours later, I got the invitation. To be honest.. I was shocked and disbelief, and it feels like “is this real?” feeling. Because somehow, I always knew that they got beef with me.. But when I got invited to that session, I thought “oh okay, maybe this is a new way to start something new. Maybe it was all in my head”. Then... couple days passed.. and yesterday I checked the invitation to make sure, but the invitation was gone.. it disappeared from my calendar.. And today, I met her, the one who previously invited me, and she said no word nor invitation about today’s session, and I didn’t want to address it to her, and though, “oh maybe the session got cancelled because we will have a night meeting”, but then.. I opened my snapgram.. and boy was I wrong:)

The girl and some of my work mates member were continue having the game:) Without me:)

It’s sad... really really sad.. Because why they treated me that way? Have I done something wrong? Why they treat me very mean-ly..........?

I know I’ve passed this storm in high school, but it feels like.. it’s very different and long from high school. I hope I can survive this. I know I can survive this.

Everything has a silver lining, and your time will come baby girl. Your time will come.

Rain doesn’t last forever, I know God has planned something beautiful far ahead than what you’re planning right now.

Stand strong, baby girl.

I know you can do it. Focus on you.

You’ve survived worst, and I know you can pass this:)

Good luck, God always with you.

- A

[contemplatingnight]

Branches

Hey Tumblr,

It’s been a while.. currently, I’m waiting for my boyfriend for more than 4 hours...  We supposed to go together somewhere, but because he had something else to do, I waited in a cafe near my house. How I supposed only wait for 1-2 hour becomes +4 hours. My only realization that waiting for 1-2 hours is supposedly not acceptable, but why did I let myself letting it be acceptable?

We have been in a hell of a week this week.. where I don’t know, why suddenly things between me and him went south. To be honest, he “slipped-ly” mentioned that he was tired of me. Where it kind of broke my heart... How I thought I already did everything right this time.. but it’s still is not enough... How I’m the one who always text him, call him, and God I even paid for almost everything when we went out. I tried to make everything work, I even always booked a couple get away surprises for us, so things won’t get bored for both of us and maintaining our romance together. How I always put him first above my family, friends, and myself... and it’s still not enough. and the truth is, after that, I let everything slipped.. To be honest, I no longer want to make it work anymore... because he broke my heart out of nowhere and I’m scared if he’s going to do that again in the future.. after everything that I did, it’s still not enough..

I started questioning and analyzing every part of our relationship from the start.. questioning some of the things he did and how I should have not let myself being acceptable by that condition and treatment. Am I setting a very low standard for myself? when I put everything I had and the highest one for him? How funny isn’t it?

However, to be honest, the scariest part and the silver lining beyond this is perhaps, learning how to love and trust yourself again? However, since it’s only me and him after all this time, it’s really scared and confusing to get back on your own feet.. 

And somehow, the path you take for yourself become something estranged.

I know relationship has its ups and downs, and perhaps this is the ones that I never have prior experience before. As I’m learning to mingle my way beyond this, one thing for sure is my eyes are much wide open this time. How I should put myself first in every single way and not to lose myself in it.

A scary road to be honest, because you go back to the old you, where the position you currently are is the safest one.

But isn’t it more safe to be betting on yourself, than to others? Since you can always get back up and managed your own expectations toward yourself.

Well.. let’s see how things go..

- A