conwellcabal

[conwellcabal]

I’ll Know When My Horses Are Done

I don’t believe there’s anyone out there that knows the close relationship I have with my brothers and also has a base knowledge of Life And Trust. I grew up with two younger brothers that I honestly spend more time and effort supporting than I do myself. Mental health problems, drug addiction, and the limits of human competition are all themes that come up often between the two of them. And sometimes horses. 

When I ran into Valentin at my first show, I had already heard rumblings about how great of a character he was. I only actually saw him between boxing match 2 and his 1:1 pull. So for my second show, I made it a point to follow him. I had no idea how hard his story would impact me, specifically as I got to his boxing scene with his sister Gretchen. Immediately, I saw them as a mirror of my relationship with my own brothers. Pushing themselves to the brink for the sake of winning, falling to the throes of drug addiction, but most of all, heart. Leaving a note for Dr. Marie, then later standing up for her against Dr. Kellogg was something I swear I've seen my brothers do before. I’ve seen a few different iterations of the Valentin/Dorian relationship. But Jacob Michael Warren seemed to be genuinely in love with Dorian. It pained me to see him reach out for connection, only to be taken advantage of and dumped back into his addiction. I can only hope I don't one day see the same with my siblings.

Being in that 1:1 felt like my brother bringing me aside to finally open up about his pain. Desperately seeking help from his addiction yet begging for his vice back. Going through the motions with the knife before going to stab himself reminded me all too well of the times I’d witnessed them fall to self harm. How devastating it felt to witness when I should’ve been just in reach to help.

I’ve heard stories of those who received the 1:1 going on to make eye contact with Val as he drinks the syrup again, or holding his hand as he dies (? I guess not everyone agrees here) in the bathtub. I’m the sort of person who tends to back up after receiving a 1:1 to make space for others, so I didn’t get these experiences. But what I did get was my own story. I watched in the crowd as Val succumbed to his addiction, taking aim at himself in a standoff with his mirror. Taking out his horses with his own bullet. From two rows back I watched him desperately reach out to someone for a final solace, while she stared motionless at his hand. I had half a mind to break through to give him that last moment of peace, to hold his hand as my “brother” subsided. But I didn’t. In a field of black masks he passed alone, and I hadn’t done enough to save him. It takes a lot to make me cry in front of people. Watching the tragedy of what felt very close to home reduced me to tears behind my mask. 

[conwellcabal]

A Traveler in the Shadows

Why am I here? What possessed me to start a Tumblr blog for an immersive theater show when I haven’t used this platform for much more than memes for 12 years? Aren’t there subreddits or discords I could use instead? Surely I’m just making a derivative of the famed Sleep No More blogs for a show that itself is a successor of Sleep No More. 

I think, for me, waxing poetic about a show I love is more fit for a blog that’ll only be seen by those who seek it out. I could talk forever about Life And Trust, but I fear the previously mentioned platforms would grow sick of me fast. Thoughts lost to the next round of messages. Hell knows my friends and family have already heard enough! I do invite conversation, but at its core, I’m making this to get my thoughts out into some void other than my brain. This show really hit for me, and I want to show appreciation where I can.

I don’t think there’s going to be any real rhyme or reason to my posts. At the end of the day, this is just me infodumping. I know I won’t ever be able to get as in depth as ye olde SNM blogs of the past, but be prepared for me to effuse whatever I have to say about the fun new bank show.