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new ambient track

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photo i took from my phone yesterday and edited on lightroom

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in my nightmares i run forever and am the only one doing so

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i love my handycam

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went to abandoned house and streamed perverts #wouldnthaveitanyotherway

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departure

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thoughts on perverts:

nature chews on me

i wouldn’t even describe this as just music. it transcends the very idea of what a collection of songs needs to be. it’s an experience. a movie shown only through sound.

while listening to preachers daughter for the first time a couple summers ago, i felt seen. it took me on a journey with its more conventional song structures and narrative. this took me on a journey with only sound. it is a push against convention and an expansion on what sound and sound only can express. very little words are needed, much less a melody or hook. and only someone like @mothercain could pull this off.

in one of her recent posts she thanks the constant sound that exists in our world, sourcing electrical towers and radio signals. after my first listen, i completely understand why. the sound. the sound is always there. even in the middle of nowhere, where many of us are from, there’s always something beating on your eardrum. always.

(i at first did not realize just how much sound was present on these tracks. during the title track, i found myself growing just a tad bit bored towards the end. wondering is anything going to happen? is there going to be any music? then with less than 20 seconds left, all the music cuts out and reveals just how much sound was being utilized, shocking the listener hayden’s haunting ability to mimic the sound of nothing, and exposing us to the fact that even with not a thing going on, those massive little sounds prevail.)

this supports what i see as the central idea explored throughout the project: guilt and need. i hesitate to say addiction as that may trigger thoughts of only substance abuse. (although i do think the most direct allegory could be made to opiate addiction) but rather need. the need behind the drugs and the sex, the need for love and for distraction, for constant sound, and the guilt that naturally must accompany it.

if you are always distracted, if there always exists a noise and the need to hear it, how could you possibly hear God? save for his condemnation of you. the need to get your fix, to keep the sound turned up dwindles Him down to only the guilt you carry for yourself.

all that is left of anything is guilt. to need something so terribly while knowing you shouldn’t even want it. if you could choose to not need, you would, but it is inescapable. it’s in your blood, you heart, your mind, your skin, your nails and hair and soul. you become only what you are yearning for. the repetition of “nature chews on me” perfectly puts this feeling into words. nature, the way the universe conditions us, chews on us. it made us need to long for that sound, but our own nature forces us to hate ourselves for it.

it is a viscous cycle. to need, to feel guilty for said need, go back to longing for it and then just around and around you go. the constant sound telling u either you need this or you shouldn’t.

the cycle ends in a total submission to need on the final track amber waves. “the devil i know is the devil i want” she sings. this need keeps gnawing and after so much wrestling back and forth, it can finally be satiated. the guitars pick up, crescendo and then fade into the ambient sound, which as we’ve discussed is very far from true silence. that little noise can still be heard peaking through at the tail end of the project.

“i can’t have anything” she says in defeat, caving to the need. becoming one with the sound.

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i'm still waiting

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