corriander

[corriander]

well he's been sucking up to me since wednesday. trying to hug me, buying me coffee and energy drinks. i've just been ignoring him, literally shoving past when he tries to catch me in a hug. his excuse was he was drunk... that is always his excuse, and it's not like that makes it any better. the worst of him just comes out. how many times can we go through this? it's madness. and i do miss when things were fun but hte amount of shit we've gone through since then far outweighs the good times. it's just not worth it. i should have accepted that long ago

[corriander]

i feel so trapped and distressed at work now. it's not hard to avoid him but i am so mad and depressed over the whole situation. i don't know how he can justify what he said to me. how can he think it's okay? does he even care? can he care about anyone but himself? i don't know. i know he messaged and called me multiple times but after i blocked him for good i was too scared to see anything further he might have said. i can't deal with it. i hate to think how he has spoken to me, what he has called me. i feel like a piece of dirt. and maybe that's how i made him feel but that's no excuse to talk to me the way he spoke to me. it has literally broken me and i'm trapped in this on my own because i can't tell anyone about it. maybe one person at work i can talk to. but besides that, i have to carry this burden alone. i can't share it at home and it's all my fault. i got myself into this position by going against my better judgment. i just feel so fucking stupid and beaten down. he's the one that's the pathological liar. he doesn't mean anything he says, none of it matters. i wonder if he will approach me ever again or if this is it forever. i want him to apologise in person but i also never want to talk to him again. i am completely miserable now. i wish i never asked him that first time if he wanted a ride home from work. it completely fucked up my life

[corriander]

If there's one thing I learnt in 2023, it's that you should never befriend a narcissist. I was a desperate and lonely idiot and willfully ignored all the red flags.

The few months of fun was certainly not worth all the suffering we've gone through since September

He's not putting HIMSELF in that "position" again? Lmao all because I was answering his texts too slowly. Cry me a fucking river mate. You told me you hated me and never wanted to hear from me again. You've made your bed. I'll happily never speak to you again. Thanks for the out

I just wish that he would fuck off for good. I am so sick of this

[corriander]

A reminder to never let him in again. There's no coming back from this one.

I can't keep letting people talk to me this way. It just fucks me up inside

[corriander]

i've honestly tried so hard to keep everyone in my life happy enough while trying not to show that i'm completely miserable myself. i keep throwing life jackets to people while i'm drowning. i've fucked up so much this year and all i want is to fix my relationship and be rid of ST but ST has refused to leave me alone. i've been so scared of upsetting him because i'm afraid of what he might do. it always plays on the back of my mind that he will message H behind my back and simply destroy everything i've tried to rebuild with him. but i can't be close with ST so i've tried to maintain a healthy distance, which of course instead of him being satisfied with the bits and pieces he was being given, it only triggered him. he said he hates me and to never message him again, that i'm manipulative and a pathological liar and even told me that i should get a new job so i'm not around him anymore. he deleted me off instagram again. so i really hope this is it. i hope this is the last time we do this toxic dance. i blocked him on instagram so he can't message me there. i also blocked his number. i just want him gone for good, but i can't cope with the constant thoughts now that he's going to do something to get back at me, to ruin my life. if he did that i would ask work to fire him, or send him back to our other job site. it's possible they'd do it for me. but anyway, in trying to secretly get away from ST, i've fucked things up again with H because my secretive messaging was obvious and made me look suspicious. but how can i explain the situation to him without making everything way worse again? i can't do it. so instead i've just it's nothing, it's no one, and i hope that he'll somehow let it go. i haven't been doing anything i shouldn't be doing, except for talking to ST in the first place, but i've not overshared or flirted or crossed any lines. i've worked so hard to regain H's trust and now i've just completely fucked it all up again. i always do. i always manage to make a total mess out of every situation. i was looking forward to welcoming in 2024 on a happy note, but now i just feel more depressed than ever. if H distrusts me so much, i dont know why he just doesn't leave me. i can't bear spending the rest of my life around him if he's always going to think the worst of me. i know i betrayed his trust but i've tried so hard... i just wish he'd accept that i have a few small private parts of my life that i don't want to share. i like keeping some things to myself. i don't believe that everything has to be shared with a partner, which is why i never ask what he's doing on his phone or who he's talking to. i trust him, but i also believe he's entirely entitled to privacy. if he wants to share something with me then he will. i wish he could see if from my perspective. just because some things are kept to ourselves, doesn't mean that those things are wrong or bad or suspect. it's nice having pieces of ourselves that are our own.