cothurnalcoyotes

[cothurnalcoyotes]

basically im at the point right now where my daily standard of a good day is being able to talk myself out of suicidal thoughts

[cothurnalcoyotes]

Midnight nonsense became more scattered, so here is a collection from over the past two weeks. Seems I have less to say in my sleep these days.

Perhaps it is time we acknowledge our flaws. Perhaps it is right, that I cease to perceive myself an animal, too far caged and tame to revert to a state alike my animalistic and savage predecessors. Perhaps I am another creature all together.

Let us be timid city wolves, rolling in the cold earth and black water that clears with wild northern air. Let our lungs rise and fall, as if the ravens looming in our hearts have grown too large for their cage of flesh and bone. Tame us no more, kingdom of steel; our heads have always been harder than your gates.

And then I am a grape, silvered by the sheltering frost of autumn, clinging delicately to the end of my vine. Sweetened and softened before the coming winter, ultimately to end in bitter death. The traedy of life is not in the end, but in a lesson never learned... a fruit never picked.

The elegance of abrasions; pale flesh in wounds of the earth, coloured by a dying sky and liquid jewels of our existence.

The fall suits my soul, but the winter fits my head. It seems at least I can't find peace until the world is dead.

Sometimes good instincts fail. Like a well intentioned moth, I followed what I believed was my guiding light, straight into the fire.

Love in a cage takes down all the walls.

Follow the words into these abysmal shadows. The woods don't call you, but your soul beckons from within. The man made trail will give you direction, but what use do you have for such simplicity when the end result yields something unknown to you. If the unknown is what you seek, do not take the travelled path. Better off to trample hard than to glide naively into death. Diverge and discover. Risk everything.

Vanity of the dead The decade for dying The penance you pay for self pity The echo in your exoskeleton.

Just because youre not catching fish doesn't mean you picked the wrong river.

We were born from the earth. The only truths to life are in the earth. You will not find them anywhere else. Not in the city or books, not in love and not in misery. The earths holds our truths, as the universe holds the truths of the earth.

The taste of sulfuric tap water.

I have lived happily in ignoring my emotions. I have lived calmly, in a manner so serene, placing lofi before the irrationality of my heart. All this time life made sense. All this time life was perfect. And then along came a fracture, that sat there in time. Each whisper, each scream, each terrifying emotive gesture fractured me some more. I became cracked but still intact. I am broken but still whole. Why won't I fall apart? Why won't I break? I secretly feel the need to disintegrate.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

The burning of my feet... from running bare by the shore.

Too cold to swim. Too hot to stand. So run. Take the wind through my flesh. Take the scorn of the sun through my fading eyes. Take the jagged rock through the soles of calloused feet. Run. Fear nothing. Pain is nothing. Stillness is the cause of all havoc.

No time to float. No time to stand. Run and you will learn not to bleed.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

My tongue splits down the middle from all the thoughts left in my skull. Tall shards of glass between my jaws wait to be spat. I pick them through my teeth and swallow hard each fragile fragment of agony.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

Like a snake in the grass I watch the days pass and slither and squirm like a glorified worm I beg for you to crush me- Devour me- In every sun that passes.

But when your shadow is cast over me in the echo of your footsteps

I sprout legs shower in scales howl in the ashes of a fatal rebirth

and dare not provoke you.

For the eyes the oaks have lent you strike serenity through my brittle bones. Send me silence with your growl and teach me through your roar but do not retreat.

The halo summer gave you is frail and will shatter before your slumber. I was born a serpent and will forever be furcate tongued but in the comfort of familiar shadows all lives are possible.

I wish I could lend you mine but in your cold sleep I cannot make you see.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

Half breathing Frozen coyote beneath smog and frost you were lead to this trap, this suffocating cage, with the best of intentions.

In a room filled with aged fox glove and fervor the sun did its best to warm your fur.

Never asked for the light of day Never howled for the scent of solitude- but it came nonetheless.

And in the mirror of red water was a past of ash Speckled like faded stars peeking out at the dawn Wipe it away and the reflection is gone but the story is matted in your earthy locks and you appear aflame and cruel.

Despite your efforts in the crashing blankets of the river clumsy coyote who stumbled into the day It seems your naivety has lead you astray born in a pack and breathing in smoke perhaps this is punishment for the hearts you had broke.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

Forest of bones...

I am a death walker who seeks out the silent; whose footsteps stumble and crash through the screaming bush. I am a skin walker unlike those of the Navajo, for I am powerless to the earth and all that surrounds me. I am indulgent in the woods, sucking the marrow of the trees for a near spiritual sustenance unquenched by the paved angels and gods that have for so long kept me alive. But they are not necessities. They are not raw and pure truths built with death, growth and decomposition. They are facades built with passion, money and proof of human capability. They are not so chaotic. They are not so calm. They house joy and misery, frustration and ambition. They reek of human emotion and desire.

Seek out the apathetic forest; who, even in the days of utter destruction cry out no names and beg for no other fate. Look to the rain, for it is your temporary deity, holding reign over all that surrounds you as it disregards who is pious to it and who is not. Watch for the clouds as they tear and break without clue of your presence. The river mutters something strange, carrying life and spewing death. Bow to the things that bring the smell of decay. These are your lods. The sun, the earth, the water and the sky; they know not your name, but will make it disappear. Fire, wind, the moon and the stars, may emind you of your fate if you look upon them closely.

The trees have kept you here, but only to consume you. And should you bite at your masters, you will not be punished twice.

I was better off in apathy.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

Your duality is unlike mine.

I raise fire from water You cherish the moon and sun.

I thought I could help you understand The simple logic of all life.

But your lunar soul Solar heart do not find peace in the cold of trees.

So look to the stars, solitary brute, I will run many more miles.

But do not get lost in their glow I fear I will find you Staring into nothingness.. Then groan at the weakness of your limbs and the decay of your mind.

You bit me, but I will return. I know your duality I learned it all from the moon and sun Who turned against me long ago.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

Stabwounds in the sky are not made for the passerby who are free to stare and see nothing at all who are free to listen and never hear a scream.

Silent waterfalls crash on my flesh. My eyes miror their calm chaos, that runs until the river has been mutilated organically or not.

Bless these knives that fell to the earth and lifted wounds from by bed.

There is no room for hatred in wild hearts only fury serenity and agony fear and acceptance.

Young vultures I say not today my spirit waits for a satiated beast who has long ignored my sprawled carcass.

Perhaps I have been rotting too long.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

Abstract

The little details make it whole, but they stray from the truth.

Do these mandibles mean the same thing? green apple bones cherry enamels...

is my perception wrong? between the valleys these fangs create.

Or is truth in the jaws one in the same

despite colour or shape?

[cothurnalcoyotes]

Dandelion flesh leaking over pale cylindrical forms one after the other

Fire, sleep and death Smoke, ash and breath.

Into poisoned mountains, sheathed by shrivelled rose.. the scent is pure.

Caverns leak cardinal hues as the cancer seeps in.

This is how we say good morning world... ...your existence terrifies me.

The burning in my lungs is well worth the result.

Good morning life I'm only ready once I'm dying.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

I'm never sure if I truly don't know as much as I think- If it is simply fatgue that forces doubt.

Or disintegrating life that forges hopelessness..

And they say I am young. That I have many years to grow.

But the fortunate ones are those who learn on the ocean of snowy wrinkles and soiled sheets that there are no more questions to ask.

No more meaning to be found.

What is a bird to do- when she has flown from one end of the earth and back A thousand times over but fly again, and again, and again...

with no ambitions to guide her wings.

Every ocean and every tree becomes the same; but the curse of hope for a new world remains.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

Sting then itch For days on end. Your venom burns Flesh searing and heartfelt

Despite my best intentions You pierce over and over and the venom breaks down. Your poison becomes an annoyance in the flesh.

When I try to soothe the burn I bleed. So I suffer And continue to suffer Until the marks have left.

You wasp, you hornet You will not suffer as I have.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

I ignite the room through the fire in my throat With toys of new and thoughts of old I smell myself in these memories.

And for a moment I feel a little less alone.

I thank my body for oxytocin Nothing but pain is quite the same.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

I ran until I was strong and fell until I was weak.

It seems the more I fell the more I ran the stonger I become the weaker I felt.

My shell gave safety but a coccoon was better.

I had wings I was eaten Such is life.

A beautiful moth Among a thousand butterflies.

Keep on dying until you feel alive.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

I wanted to ask if you had noticed the bones on my front porch, or the dirt between my toes.

I wanted to inquire about the thousand mile stare to see if you trusted me with your suffering or if my dying garden was of more interest than my body in the moss.

Perhaps if I were more bold and held myself in the city lights you could fall in love with my silhouette And I could dream from the smog that the figure I cast would draw you back to me.

But  know you're not the type to look up and by force I raise your gaze to mine

A faint smile sends hope but the stare makes you turn. What is it you fear in me? I am no dangerous reflection.

[cothurnalcoyotes]

Maybe you're a whole lot of cigarettes.

I could quit if I wanted.

Maybe you'll kill me- but the ease of pain is worth it and it might just save me.

Or I might just take myself and let these inebriated crystal spiders drop off the walls and crawl into my brain let the racket inside crush and destroy- let what happens happen.

On repeat and redundant the fur on my spine stands on crooked fangs let this be the last time I howl and the first time I fight.