courageconversations

[courageconversations]

“Small” Gabby Michelle

when your voice is born don’t you let them fool you girl ‘cause i know that you’ll feel like keeping quiet and live in your head ​ when the folks in town all say maybe she’s just shy hiding in those books of hers well i hope that your screams create a song not a scar instead

oh what you don’t know now that i wish i could tell you go and tell those thoughts to run run far one day you’ll be singing songs that tell the world just who you are

cause you’re not so small now cause you’re not so small now

when you walk in shame cause of your identity honey yeah you're different but oh you make a difference because of that

when the world around you seems to romanticize certain pain and call it victory your skin is a sculpture and oh it doesn’t need more chipping at

oh what you don’t know now that i wish i could tell you go and tell those thoughts to run run far one day you’ll be singing songs that tell the world just who you are

cause you’re not so small now cause you’re not so small now

i know you wanted something beautiful and it’s coming, it’s coming i know you can’t see just how beautiful you’re becoming, becoming

cause you’re not so small now

[courageconversations]

It seems that my mental health has been prominent my whole life, even if I wasn't always aware of it. I was anxious as a child. I began displaying obsessive-compulsive behaviors at a young age. For the longest time, well into my adolescence, I was too anxious to turn off the stove before we left the house. I would check the knob countless times, counting to a specific number in between each time, only to walk away unsure and fearful. Behaviors like these would come and go – to different degrees of course.

My mental health began unavoidable during my second year of college. It was during this time that I met face to face with depression. I found myself struggling in every area of life, relationships, family, school, spirituality and self-acceptance. I had no more to give, so I gave up. It seemed that my giving up is what welcomed my depression. It was during this time that I felt most hopeless. I contemplated taking my life, lived only within the bounds of my anxiety, took comfort in my depression and was angry that I couldn't control my OCD. I needed refuge, change and consistency.

As I closed out my year at school, change of pace and scenery helped ease some of the pain. I still kept cycling though, never believing that I was ever happy. I called around to the therapists in my area and decided that I needed to try getting help this way. It changed my life. It was from God. He gave me what I needed, through the very person he provided. He created me uniquely and I believe that He wants for me to know that person.

My struggle with mental health has pushed me to know myself better and thus understand my creator better. Exploring my mental health has forced me to be genuine and raw, which has encouraged me to be raw and real with God. Many times while I was struggling I wanted to abandon my faith; I didn't believe that it was possible to be a Christian and be hurting so bad – it didn't add up. I am so grateful that God pursued me and recharged my faith throughout the struggles. Having a biblical perspective while journeying through my mental illnesses has deepened my faith and broadened my vision of who God is.

[courageconversations]

I was never the "normal" kid ever since I was young. With ADHD, dyslexia and mild autism, I never really did fit in the "crowd" and got bullied and ostracized often when I was growing up. I've always longed for love, acceptance and a place to belong amongst the people around me but I've never seemed to get that. I was often labeled as an "extra" among my peers, and the butt of many jokes because of how I constantly try to butt into the conversations of the people around me.

Things took a turn for the worse when I entered secondary school. Entering a total new environment without the friends I made in primary school, I felt even lonelier and more ostracized than ever for these actions of mine.

Because of this transition and lack of social support, I fell into depression and had thoughts of committing suicide.

But it was during that period I started to question my existence and things involving my purpose and my life. At that time, though I was going to a church, I had not really questioned the existence of a loving God that Christians so proclaim and believe in. And it was at this period where I started to ask hard questions about whether this God really existed and if he really is as loving as people portray Him to be.

So one day after school, as I was heading back home I passed by a chapel. It had been a bad day for me, and I really didn't know why all these bad things happened to me. So I walked in, all alone and just cried out to this "God" whom I've been hearing so much about but did not understand.

“If you really are the loving God people call you to be, why do you let me go through these things that happened to me?”

It was probably at that moment where I had my first experience with Him. An inner prompting came out of nowhere, and I felt God telling me that "before any of these bullies came to existence, I've already made you, loved you and called you my own".

Bewildered, I just stopped at that moment and walked out of the chapel.

I still struggled significantly with the bouts of depression that came and went over the years. Although this incident spurred my pursuit for a true, living God, the experience marred my perceptions of the people around me. It took many years and many different people God had set in path to love and accept me for who I am to heal and change this ungodly belief of mine.

The [verse] that hit me when I was depressed was Psalms 139:14-15 which I didn't know until much later into my life. We need to remember that our self worth is in Christ.

My depression and my flaws remind me of the imperfect world I was born in. The feeling I get when I try to solve things by my own strength, to pursue things I perceive to be "anchors of peace, hope and happiness" all came to naught. As Jeremiah 2:3 states, I understand the amount of broken wells I pursue to find life.

But every struggle points me to a life that is yet to come, a life that's perfect and without sadness of pain. No matter what I do by my own strength, I cannot solve or change. But through partnership with the Holy Spirit, I can change and be the person God has called me to be. And this is because of what Christ has done.

2 Corinthians 10:5 shows us that we are not our thoughts, and we need to bring any thought that sets itself against Christ captive, bringing it to obedience in Christ. But as we empty our minds, we cannot stop there. We need to fill our minds with what is noble and good, as what Philippians 4:8-9 states. And as we do that, we renew our minds to understand what is good, and pleasing to God.

We were made with a purpose and plan, and to be guided by a loving God. However, we chose to rebel against His rule and reign. He, who is a perfect king, would not allow this rebellion to last forever and would judge and punish us by separating us from Himself forever. However, in His love for us, He sent His perfect son to take the punishment for this rebellion. The only man who lived a perfect life, took our place so that God's justice is justified. But it did not stop there. This man, named Jesus rose again beating the chains of death, and now is with God, ruling the world with God.

This act of love from Him gave me a choice to live. I could choose to live in my ways, which results to death or choose to follow Jesus, that through Him I might come to God being right with Him. 

And as Tim Keller so aptly puts it: "The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope."

Through these experiences I know both ends, and though I struggle I know there will come a time where I won't have to. And I now have hope in Him.

[courageconversations]

“My first real encounter with God probably came when I was in 5th grade. I developed an eating disorder and it almost destroyed me mentally and physically. My immune system crashed and hasn't fully recovered nine years later. I remember praying and praying for help and one day God just healed me. Like the flip of a switch: I could eat again. And it showed me not only that God was real... but that He listens.

My relationship with Christ I think actually started forming deeper roots when I acquired anxiety and depression which started my freshman year in high school. It was undoubtedly the darkest part of my life... but also the most important. With the anxiety and depression came physical symptoms: nausea, insomnia, muscle spasms, fatigue, an ever present headache that would spike up into migraines... But worse than those were the mental and emotional traumas that took place in my heart and mind every second of the day. I won't try and describe it now. But there is a reason people kill themselves to escape these afflictions... your mind becomes unlivable.

I hated everything and everyone, including my Savior. I was hardly at school due to my panic attacks and my physical ailments. I progressively got worse but my junior year... God changed everything. He gave me friends I could trust. A youth group I could connect with. Something that made me feel something besides the pain. It took time but God showed me that I could be courageous. That with His strength, I could do what my mind said I couldn't. Through those beautiful people, He showed me pieces of Himself. He is a God of love and compassion. A God of empathy and patience. A God of strength and forethought. And that is the kind of God I wanted to serve. Ever since then, I've been in a committed relationship with God. (Which I'm not very good at but I will continue trying). 

Honestly, without having these trials I wouldn't have understood joy or pure faith.”