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So going on another Fallen rant, and psychological dive of Cam. Severe TW

If you’ve never read the book, and don’t know who Cam is, or it’s been awhile, Cam is the bad boy, second love interest in Fallen who turns out to be a demon that just wants to sway Luce. He’s known for his explosive temper, and beautiful good looks; but in his, badly written book, we also find out just how much he avoids love; going as far as to ditch a girl on a rooftop because he was scared of getting too close, or even when Roland hugs him after not seeing him for so long, Cam doesn’t hug him back and tells him, “take it easy,” even though he doesn’t pull away. It’s not the first time he seems to flinch away from physical contact. In Fallen in Love, he literally flinches away from Roland: Roland wiped his face and pulled himself to his feet. He reached for Cam, but the demon flinched away.

Cam is a victim of abuse. His story had the opportunity to be about a victim healing, and learning to love again, and be in a healthy relationship; but that’s not what we got. Cam goes back into another unhealthy, and abusive relationship, which is why I hate Unforgiven completely and don’t consider it canon. Not only do we not get any backstory on Cam, or his relationship with his siblings, or stories of his time on Earth, but he doesn’t heal. He doesn’t overcome his trauma.

Now stay with me.

“How is he an abuse victim?” You may ask

Cam went through toxic relationship, into toxic relationship, into toxic relationship.

First, he’s kicked out of heaven by his father, whom he was loyal to, and even remained an angel afterwards until his breakup with Lilith. He didn’t get a say in it whatsoever, his choice was taken from him, all because sky daddy was mad at Lucifer, so he kicked all of them out, because he “lost patience” with his angel host. So because his father is a narcissist and threw a tantrum, he was kicked out of his home. Which was a traumatic experience. One he even gets angry at Shelby about when she makes a joke about it.

“Yeah, about that… how’s that possible?” Shelby said. “You’d think that kind of thing would leave an impression on the old memorizer.”

Cam’s face reddened. “You try falling for nine days through multiple dimensions and trillions of miles, landing on your face, breaking your wings, rolling around concussed for who knows how long, wandering the dessert for decades looking for any clues as to who or what or where you are—and then talk to me about the old memorizer.”

And then he meets Lilith, who he is described as having a toxic relationship with. Daniel describes their relationship in Passion, “Both of them had their volatile sides, and when they argued, the whole tribe heard about it.”

During this moment, she gets so angry that he won’t marry her in a church (because he can’t) that she begins to physically assault him. Despite the power imbalance, he lets her. He doesn’t fight back. He lets her hit him, pin him down, belittle him. Why? Because he is so clearly an abuse victim. Their entire relationship is toxic, and the fact that he doesn’t fight back in this moment, and that her first reaction is to assault him physically, tells me this isn’t the first time. The fact that Unforgiven disregards this, and gaslights him into thinking he made it up, even though this is told through Daniel’s perspective, who says he remembers this. This was Lauren’s opportunity to write a deep story with a beautiful message, something abuse victim could be inspired by. Instead, she does the lazy thing, and pretends what happened in Passion was Cam’s imagination. Even though Lilith in Unforgiven is the exact same Lilith in Passion. They fight so much though it’s only 15 days. They fight almost every chapter. That’s not healthy. That’s Cam constantly going back to toxic relationships, because that’s all he knows.

After she leaves in Passion, Cam tells Daniel that he’s “lonely,” as in present tense. As in, even with Lilith, he was lonely. But Daniel is toxic to Cam too. In that moment, Daniel could’ve been there for his brother, who clearly adores him, but chooses to throw Lucinda in his face, and how she’s all that he needs.

Cam lashes out at that point. Which seems to be the source of Cam’s anger. The only time we see his infamous temper is in response to someone else’s behavior: which is what reactive abuse is.

Another example of this is when Daniel and Cam are fighting in Rapture, Daniel is stonewalling, with his arms crossed over his chest, being dismissive and not acknowledging Cam’s feelings. Cam is angry, red faced as he’s yelling at Daniel. As a victim of abuse, I can’t stand when I’m being ignored, or dismissed. It ignites a rage within you, because you don’t feel heard. This also seems to be a reoccurring issue because everyone, including Luce, doesn’t get involved. This is clearly normal behavior for them.

Daniel seems to downplay Cam’s feelings, and never take them into account. He doesn’t support him, or comfort him during his first breakup, that leaves him so devastated, that he switches sides, and even self-harms. His wings are badly scarred from self-harm.

That can be extremely frustrating for victims of abuse.

So then after all of this, he finds himself back with Lilith. No healthy relationships for him. No healing. Nothing.

This could’ve been such an inspirational story for victims of abuse. Watching Cam heal, and learn to accept love again, and not just romantic love! But familial love, like Roland and Arriane. Two who love him, but we never get to see Cam make amends with them, to become close again, to heal. I wanted a book about him that tells us more about his time in heaven, his adventures on Earth, more of his powers and charm, seeing the comedy and love between those three goofballs. There’s so much depth to Cam, and we don’t get to see any of it in Unforgiven. It’s more of Lilith’s story than his.

It could’ve still be a story about second chances, but not theirs. Cam’s. His second chance at love, but a healthy relationship, while also healing his relationship with Arriane and Roland. Unforgiven let me down, and I will never ever like it, or accept it as canon.

Also this should’ve been Cam

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“I used to invent love when necessary. When I walked alone on the riverbank. Or whenever the level of salt would rise in my body, I would invent the river.”― Mahmoud Darwish, In the Presence of Absence

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Maturity is not seeking revenge. It's healing and moving on, so you don’t become like the people who traumatized you.

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the intimacy of having your efforts reciprocated in the same intensity and with the same tenderness

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Nizar qabbani/ Rumi

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The Incredulity of Saint Thomas by Caravaggio † Prose by @bebx (♡)

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February kind of feeling

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Wordy by aavfvl

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"I may think of you softly from time to time. But I’ll cut off my hand before I ever reach for you again."

//Arthur Miller, The Crucible: A Play in Four Acts

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Bilal Al-Shams, Sacrifice

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You keep saying you wouldn't love me if i was a zombie, but my dear, i would let you rip me apart to eat, I'd let you infect every part of my brain, I'd put you together when your limbs rot away, I'm devoted to you, can't you see?

Not even death can do us part.

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I devour them with bones and all.

When I say "I love you", I don't mean that I do it in a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates. I mean, the roses fit your scent, and the chocolates are a perfectly acceptable dessert. But when I say "I love you", I mean that rubbing my lips against your smooth mouth isn't enough. I need to bite you, my love. I need to drink the drops of blood that flow out from where my teeth rip your skin. I crave the taste of your beating heart on the tip of my tongue. I'm so hungry. In fact, I'm starving. I need to be fed from you, babe. At this point being yours isn't enough. I need to be inside you. I need to be you, darling. Oh, how I wish I could be in your bloodstream like a virus. The idea of being with you isn't enough, all I want is to live inside your ribcage and make my bedroom between your bones. Maybe you should have me as your main course. Chew me like I was your favorite dish. Taste me slowly. Swallow me with certainty. You should devour me with bones and all.

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the hungers of hadewijch and eckhart - donald f. duclow stigmata: escaping texts - hélène cixous you are in a hotel room -  joan tierney the notebooks of malte laurids brigge - rainer maria rilke great expectations - kathy acker hot-hand fallacy - jasmine gibson erotism: death and sensuality - georges bataille  cain - josé saramago love in the time of monsters - emily palermo  a curious night for a double eclipse -  j. karl bogartte.