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I wanna be your dog, iggy pop / quit fucking around, francis of delirium / moon song, phoebe bridgers / i'm your man, mitski / sarah, alex g / i bet on losing dogs, mitski / it will come back, hozier / i am the dog, sir chloe / putting the dog to sleep, the antlers / the dog/the body, sleater-kinney / mutt, sophie meiers / cop car , mitski / your dog, soccer mommy

I'll come running back Like a dog He loves dogs.

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I'll come running back Like a dog He loves dogs.

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I wonder how long I could go before I see god.

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Getting closer.

The day it becomes okay, I’ll bake again.

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The day it becomes okay, I’ll bake again.

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Big God

the closer we get to the big day the more i feel the need to expel all this from me. i keep saying i need to throw up and they keep looking at me weird. for a time, a short spiraling time i wanted to walk into a church. for some long-forgotten hope god might reach down and make himself known to me. maybe my chances increase in his home.

i think i've come closer to a realization god isn't some institution. or book. and maybe i've known this since i was young. that's when the disillusionment started. i've always known but a part of me goes to god and prayer in desperation. in my sickness i fall back onto that. only to be meet with quiet. where's the divine intervention? the signs that i'm supposed to see? i can't be mad, i often loved covering the anthill in the backyard and going back to cover it again the next day.

i think my mother would be disappointed with these new revelations. but they're nothing new, just old pushed away conclusions.

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It’s 12 at night and I just finished the bell jar. That’s where I am right now. I have glochids in my hands cause it’s watering day. I think I may try something again.

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It’s at the very least a first degree burn and I’m still scrubbing. Some long forgotten movie is playing but still I scrub.

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11:40 , Thursday October 5th, 2023

Sitting on a bathroom toilet is hardly something I saw for my senior year of high school but here I am, avoiding teachers and having to listen to nickelback blaring on the speakers for some ungodly reason.

How am I expected to tell my teacher that I can’t attend PE because it makes me think of past [ ] that took place during said-

(Someone just let out the wettest poops)

-subject? There’s layers to this. This man is not someone I want to talk to let alone be alone in a room with. It’s parent teacher conference day so I’ll expect my sister will get an earful about me-

(Someone just got caught skipping class…)

-missing so many of his classes, it’s only one or two days of the week, but it all adds up. I also have therapy today and I just can’t wait to tell her all about my weird obsession with grown men and how I can’t stop thinking about the incidents or maybe how I would like to kill myself because no hospital will admit me. Apparently I haven’t “tried hard enough” but that’s okay because according to a school counselor I’m, “getting better”.

15 minutes left.

I’ve sat here staring at the door so now it’s 13. 12. I do understand I can’t keep doing this, that knowledge probably won’t stop me, I’ll end up getting kicked out.

I’m thinking of cutting again, it’s been 7 months, all that progress gone but maybe people will start to notice.

5 minutes.

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depression, anxiety, depersonalization.