crispyheadache

[crispyheadache]

When dudes get fat, do their penises get fat too?

#ShouldvePaidAttentionInBiology #DidTheyCoverThisInBiology? #myboobsgetbigger #well theirs do too #we aren't talking about that tho #wait do vaginas get fat too? #ive lost thePlot

[crispyheadache]

We came from cutlery, and we go back to cutlery.

#ItCameToMeInADream #You'dThinkItWasAProfoundDream #ButNo #ItHadSomethingToDoWithFailingAtAbacus #CouldNotBeMoreGladICantRememberTheWholeThing

[crispyheadache]

I answer to no gods. My name is already carved into the archives of hell. There's a big boiling pot of oil waiting for me there and I shall season myself with sins to appease the Devil.

[crispyheadache]

There's nothing or no one I hate more than myself. BUT, sometimes, at very random times, I fully believe with the passion and confidence of a 1000 JoJo fans that I CAN and WILL take down God and rn I think I'm hot shit.

[crispyheadache]

Dear Disney+ Hotstar, Netflix, Prime Video, and all other platforms that have introduced ads, if you think you're going to squeeze more money off my cheap ass, that's just a pipe dream. Honestly, I'm kinda vibing with the ads. Nothing like the mad sprint to the fridge or washroom between breaks like the good old days. Thanks for the nostalgia!

[crispyheadache]

I remember the exact minute I decided to start cracking my knuckles. I was on the bus, on the way back home after school in 2nd grade, standing near the driver and I saw one of the older girls I was friends with do it. I thought it was a very mature thing adults do cause I'd seen my mum do it a lot. So that day on that bus, I remember the exact minute I decided to do it. It hurt like fucking hell. 22 years later I've found every which way to bend my knuckles to crack them and I hate it but I can't stop. All because I thought it would make me look more ✨mature✨

#dont crack your knuckles #its an addiction you can't quit #and when you're all out of knuckles this unstoppable force with the soul wrenching thirst of a knucklehead gremlin lord addicted to the unholy pop compels you to crack somebody else's #rip

[crispyheadache]

Imagine you're an author. You've decided on the title, "No" . Then your neighbour’s dog-walker’s niece’s tutor (who is never going to read your book) suggests adding a full stop after No. You take the suggestion and even credit them in the acknowledgements. Next thing you know, this rotten toenail wants half your royalties, demands to choose your book tours, dictates your entire career and your diet.

This is what it feels like when random men who have done nothing, at the most, guest starred for 5 minutes in the entire process get to have an opinion and control over my uterus.

What you did is the biological equivalent of that full stop and if I'm honest, the book would've been released even without it. So stfu and eat your unseasoned chicken, Bobby.

#leave my uterus alone or I will come for your prostrate #this motor is fully powered by rage and won't stall after 5 minutes like your dick

[crispyheadache]

If I want to send a meme to you and I see that you've already liked it, don't think it would stop me. I'll send it anyway.

#i can't control what you see #but I can make sure you see some things twice if it's hilarious

[crispyheadache]

I used to put Vicks VapoRub in my eyes and tell people I had the pink eye so I could wear sunglasses in school.

#added bonus they'd send me home #I can't do that now cause miss tough titties manager says I CAn WoRK frOm HOmE #fuck you

[crispyheadache]

If dragons existed, I wouldn't keep one as a pet. I'd volunteer to be the pet.

#I'd probably get stepped on on the second day #but it will be worth it #i think I'd have cooler problems if I was a dragon's pet

[crispyheadache]

I once wrote a borderline erotic poem about water and a tumbler and won 2nd place. I'm 93% sure the judges were on viagra.

#16yearold wins award for horny poems for the stupid #horny poem about water makes judges WET

[crispyheadache]

Fuck it we ball

#I want to be reincarnated as a #justaway