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John Mulaney: Comeback Kid Sentence Starters

ask-meme-addicts:

❝ Ooh, who’s that fella? I bet he did kill his wife. ❞

❝ It’s great, you sound like a person. ❞

❝ Some people give off a vibe of like, “do not fuck with me.” My vibe is more like “hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’d probably apologize to you!” ❞

❝ You can do whatever you want forever. ❞ 

❝ Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. ❞  

❝ Have you seen his ass lately? What the hell is he trying to pull? ❞ 

❝ That’s how broken I was. ❞ 

❝ You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair. ❞

❝ I’m very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I’m under. ❞

❝ Hey, can I walk you home? ❞ 

❝ Well, now I’m embarrassed to say. ❞

❝ I’m so horny and angry all the time, and I have no outlet for it, so… ❞

❝ And when one feels like a duck, one is happy! ❞

❝ Ah, numbers, the letters of math. ❞

❝ You know how I’m filled with rage? ❞ 

❝ This guy’s either 40 or 80. ❞

❝ Eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs. ❞ 

❝ Yeah, but the past is the past. ❞  

❝ Oh, is she a super bad mom? ❞

❝ Hey, what kind of a person are you? ❞ 

❝ I mean, you’re all violent here, but you’re very friendly. ❞  

❝ Oh, me? I’m just an old man. ❞

❝ I don’t like confrontation, because I’ve never been in a fight before. ❞  

❝ You’re never too young to learn our national no-snitching policy. ❞ 

❝ Now that’s debatable. ❞ 

❝ How perfect is that? ❞

❝ Thank you, no one will ever see me again! ❞ 

❝ ‘Cause he never forgets a bitch, ever. ❞ 

❝ And isn’t that the American dream when all’s said and done? ❞ 

❝ That’s not even a situation. ❞ 

❝ Oh the things I have seen, you cocksucker. ❞ 

❝ But such is life for an old knickerbocker like me. ❞ 

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Please reblog if you are okay with random starters, pre-established relationships and responses to ask memes. I need some new people to bug with starters & what nots. 

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Falmouth Harbour, Cornwall via William Turner

Medium: watercolor, paper

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Great Britain: Landscapes - Kynance Cove/Cornwall,  Sligachan Bridge/Skye ,Beachy Head, The Quiraing/Isle Of Skye, Pistyll Rhaedr, Loch Torridon, London/Hampstead Heath, Orton/Lake District, Loch Torridon, Llanberis Pass/Snowdonia

-for more  of my UK shots and more travel:travel britain european travel world travel UK travel London travel

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Kynance Cove, Cornwall, England, UK

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190617

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A new picture of Highgrove House

via Clarence House

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St. Michael’s Mount Cornwall, England

Instagram @chelseamarie214

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❝ xena: warrior princess ❞ sentence meme

season one includes: action, adventure, fantasy

You know where I’m headed there’ll be trouble.

And I wish you were here. It’s hard to be alone.

Remind me to have a talk with you about your taste in men.

People are too quick to go for their sword. It should always be the last resort.

I don’t want to learn to kill. I want to learn to survive.

The first time you pick up a sword, you become a target. And the moment you kill…everything changes. Everything.

You’re waiting for the right moment to say I told you so, aren’t you?

If I run now, I’ll be running forever.

I trust you. I never thought for a moment you meant to hurt me.

I wanted to make up for what I did so that you wouldn’t hate me.

Your heart’s always in the right place.

You must have me mistaken for a pet.

Something about me you find interesting?

I´m a problem-solver.

You’ve grown legendary.

Looking for the man of your dreams?

Some people consider me the king of sweet-talk.

You can keep your crown.

He’s an ambitious, ruthless, dominating, conniving liar.

We were to be married.

We confused possesion for passion. We had to own each other.

Talk is cheap; I have an expensive ear.

You’re trying to use my ego against me.

You are beautiful!

I did all for you. And I´ll never let you go.

It’s just what happens with things that you love. Sometimes they just leave you.

If something happens to me, you will not become a monster.

You know, there used to be a little respect mixed up in my hatred for you. But not anymore.

The idea of your pity is worse than death for me.

I’ve got to learn to keep my mouth shut.

Don’t leave me! Don’t you leave me!

How could I leave you?

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based on this suggestions blog.  warning:  these are pretty dark/angry  &  could be triggering to some people.  please be cautious before proceeding!!

‘  all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly  &  me to not flinch away without meaning to.  when will this stop affecting me?  ’ ‘  all i want is to be soft  &  gentle,  but i’m made out of steel  &  anger.  maybe in another life,  i guess.  ’ ‘  beauty is in the eye of the beholder,  so choose to see beauty in everything.  ’ ‘  burning it all to the ground  &  force them to start again.  they made you lose everything.  now return the favor.  ’ ‘  do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own?  ’ ‘  do you trust me enough?  do you trust me at all?  ’ ‘  don’t you dare abandon me.  ’ ‘  even after all you have done,  i will always want you fighting on my side.  ’ ‘  every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again.  ’ ‘  everyone i have ever loved is long gone.  i sing to the sky alone.  ’ ‘  everyone i touch gets hurt,  but i can’t stop.  i touch  &  i touch  &  i touch  &  people get hurt.  why can’t i ever stop?  ’ ‘  everyone says i used to be a hero,  but i can still taste the blood in my mouth  &  still feel bruises blooming because of my fists  &  my eyes are still stretched wide  &  terrified.  ’ ‘  everything i love has been taken from me.  what do i have left to fight for?  ’ ‘  fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong.  ’ ‘  friends are more important than any material object will ever be.  ’ ‘  i am aching to hold you  &  keep you safe,  to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you.  ’ ‘  i am divine  &  you will bow before me.  ’ ‘  i am fucking divine.  ’ ‘  i am in control  &  i listen to no one.  ’ ‘  i am not a good person.  don’t pretend i am.  ’ ‘  i am not accustomed to love.  this is a learning experience.  ’ ‘  i am not worth saving  &  i am not worth redemption.  let me stay in the dark.  ’ ‘  i am so tired all the time,  all i want to do is rest.  ’ ‘  i am too tired to deal with any of this.  ’ ‘  i bow to no man.  ’ ‘  i broke into sharp pieces when i broke  &  i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together.  i’m sorry.  ’ ‘  i can give you your wings back  &  i can show you to fly once more,  if you only believe in me.  ’ ‘  i cannot be saved.  ’ ‘  i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people.  i can bear this weight on my own.  i have to.  ’ ‘  i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you,  but i loved you too much to notice.  ’ ‘  i crave affection in the simplest way.  ’ ‘  i deserve to hurt.  i deserve to bleed.  ’ ‘  i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me.  ’ ‘  i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer,  as long as it leaves your lips.  ’ ‘  i don’t fight for you anymore.  ’ ‘  i don’t want to let go of you.  not now,  not ever.  ’ ‘  i don’t want to talk about it.  i don’t want to remember.  i don’t want to heal.  all i want is for it to go away.  ’ ‘  i don’t want you to touch me.  please don’t touch me,  just go away.  ’ ‘  i feel anger deeper than my bones.  i feel anger in my very soul.  ’ ‘  i feel nothing at all,  except for when i feel everything all at once.  ’ ‘  i have fallen  &  though i may miss the sky,  i belong here now.  ’ ‘  i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine.  ’ ‘  i have no home anymore.  ’ ‘  i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand  &  then i remember nothing.  ’ ‘  i see beauty in everything,  but especially in you.  ’ ‘  i should never have fallen in love with you.  ’ ‘  i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me.  now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away.  ’ ‘  i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe.  ’ ‘  i will never amount to anything.  i am a failure in the worst type of way.  ’ ‘  i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me  &  maybe someday it will be true.  ’ ‘  if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore.  ’ ‘  if you ask me to,  i will set the whole world on fire,  my dear.  it’s all for you.  ’ ‘  is it my fault?  it’s my fault.  it’s always my fault.  ’ ‘  it’s not murder if they deserved it,  right?  ’ ‘  i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me,  choking on anger  &  suffocating on sadness.  ’ ‘  i’m in love with everything that hurts me.  ’ ‘  i’m okay.  i’m alright.  this is all in my mind.  ’ ‘  i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me.  ’ ‘  i’m so cold  &  i can’t stop shaking.  i am not who you think i am.  ’ ‘  i’m so tired all the time  &  i just want to be awake again.  ’ ‘  i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten.  i just want someone to remember me.  ’ ‘  i’m tired of fighting everything in my life.  just make it stop.  ’ ‘  i’m too tired to care.  blow up,  get angry at me.  i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it.  ’ ‘  jealousy burns within me.  ’ ‘  just let me go in peace for once in my damn life.  ’ ‘  loneliness is a disease  &  it leaves me empty  &  hollow,  like sound goes through my body  &  bounces back.  ’ ‘  made of starlight  &  sunshine,  i shine brighter than they all know.  ’ ‘  my anger is righteous  &  my actions are pure.  ’ ‘  my chest aches  &  my lungs burn.  this sickness comes from the inside.  ’ ‘  my chest hurts  &  all i need is some comfort  &  understanding.  ’ ‘  my chest hurts  &  i ache to go back to the sky.  ’ ‘  my shoulders are aching where wings used to be  &  all i want is for them to stop hurting.  ’ ‘  pull me apart  &  piece me together in your own way.  make me perfect.  ’ ‘  righteous fury throws through my veins  &  if you touch the people i love i will destroy you.  ’ ‘  rise up.  you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more.  ’ ‘  say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue.  ’ ‘  so much blood has been spilled in my name.  time to make you believe it was in yours.  ’ ‘  so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent,  but not when i scream  &  plead for help?  fuck off.  ’ ‘  sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want.  ’ ‘  stay away from my fucking friends.  stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you.  ’ ‘  stop treating me like i’m an idiot.  you aren’t better than me in any way  &  you better remember that.  ’ ‘  the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue.  ’ ‘  the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it.  ’ ‘  to love them is my divine right.  ’ ‘  voices whisper from the shadows  &  they fill my mind with thoughts of you.  ’ ‘  what did i to wrong to be so unloved?  ’ ‘  what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it?  ’ ‘  who the fuck do you think you are?  ’ ‘  why can’t i ever fucking stop crying?  ’ ‘  with a new year comes new tests  &  triumphs.  let’s try to make the most out of it.  ’ ‘  would it really kill you to be honest for once?  ’ ‘  yes,  i remember my wings breaking  &  being destroyed.  i was powerless to stop it.  ’ ‘  you are not required to love your parents,  or to even like them.  ’ ‘  you can’t hate me more than i hate myself,  but you are more than welcome to try.  ’ ‘  you may say you love me,  but you love only a part of me.  i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being.  ’ ‘  you never fucking cared about me.  don’t fucking lie about it.  not to me.  ’ ‘  you remind me of mint.  fresh,  sharp,  kind of cold,  but in a nice way.  i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite.  ’ ‘  you shine light in even the darkest parts of me.  you are my sun.  ’ ‘  you should fear me,  but you don’t.  i will be eternally puzzled,  yet grateful.  ’ ‘  you touch me  &  my skin burns  &  it burns for you,  always you.  ’

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do you ever look at a boy and wonder if he moans as pretty as he looks

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Erika Linder (left) Young Leonardo Dicaprio (Right)

THEY’RE TWINS I CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE

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Send "✴" for your muse to push mine gently against a wall.

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who doesn’t love modern royalty aus :~)

“i’m a prince(ss) & you’re the daughter/son of the royal head of security but i didn’t know that until after we hooked up one night oops” au

 “i can’t believe i get to interview the royal family this is my big break but oH MY GOD why is the prince(ss) looking at me like that fml s/he’s hot” au

“we’re both royalty & our parents are pushing us into marriage & even though we’re lowkey into each other we don’t wanna give them the satisfaction” au

“i undertook a false identity to get an american college education but someone figured out my secret am i screwed or what” au

“i’m a commoner who ended up in a relationship with a prince(ss) but the queen hates m oh god will i be sentenced to death i’m too young to die” au

“how did i end up sleeping with my hot bodyguard” au

“one day i’m on a class trip & the next i’m sneaking away from the rest of the group to hang out with a member of the royal family lol no biggie” au