crystvlonyx

[crystvlonyx]

Let Bygones Be Bygones

By·gone (adjective): belonging to an earlier time.

I have always been an unforgiving person. Once someone does something to me that I don’t like I will always remember it and hold it against them until the end of time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t harbor ill feelings towards people for too long, that’s draining and too much work on my mental. Do you remember when your mother would literally air you out or even give you a whooping and then as their way of apologizing they ask if you’re ready to eat, or would like to accompany them to the store? Yeah, no; that never worked with me.

I don’t know how I have picked up on that habit but I know that it has saved me so much trouble in regards to knowing when to end all forms of relationships. I have now noticed that it also has cost me relationships I’ve valued as well. I don’t know when to let things go, it’s like I keep beating a dead horse over and over again.

I value loyalty and treating others with respect. When I feel like other people are doing anything other than that, I automatically look at them differently, regardless of their position in my life and the amount of time I’ve known them. Time and the extent of a relationship essentially means nothing to me when my values aren’t being respected. I always put myself first and that is something I admire about myself, but it can also be the result of my downfall.

For example, I have cut off so many family members because of what they’ve said to me out of anger, or things they have done to me that I found to be messed up. Even though they may or may not have apologized, they are no longer allowed back into my space again. I follow the principle of all situations and I believe that the tongue is powerful and actions show everything I need to know about a person. In my head, I feel like there’s not much to talk about when I feel disrespected so I just cut people off with no explanation.

As I’m getting older and trying to work on myself, I know that that isn’t right. I can’t write everyone off after one mistake because everyone makes mistakes. If people were to do the same thing to me, I wouldn’t have anyone left in my corner.

The adult thing to do would be to discuss all of my issues with a person and express my feelings. Holding grudges and holding fire over someone’s head isn’t right either, if anything it’s draining. Learning how to find a middle balance; not taking crap from people but also communicating effectively. Not everyone sees everything in the same way I do, and not everyone understands an issue I may have with them unless I explain it.

Although it is a tedious and frustrating task, I want to learn. Nothing is worse than losing someone I value because of one mistake which I have turned into something bigger by not communicating. I’ve made the mistake of doing so over and over again; it’s now time for a change in my habits, no matter how annoying it may be!

Until next week. 

- Crystal Onyx

[crystvlonyx]

Stay At Home

quar·an·tine (noun): a state, period, or place of isolation in which people or animals that have arrived from elsewhere or been exposed to infectious or contagious disease are placed.

Since going back home for what I would call this an extended summer break, I have felt myself going through so many different emotions due to the drastic changes of my life.

Being productive has always been a bit of a struggle for me, but it is especially hard when all I have is time on my hands. A problem of mine was never having enough time to accomplish things because I was always busy trying to do different stuff. Now that I have too much time it makes me feel like I’m not doing much of anything. 

Before being stuck in the house I had bought a planner and a notebook to keep myself more organized but, all of that went straight out the window once I started staying home. 

It has now been nearly a month since I’ve been home and I can see how easy it is to slip into depression during this time, and my heart goes to those who are struggling with the stay at home order. 

Having the same lazy routine has been causing me to feel anxious about the future. Although I know the entire world has been put on pause I still feel stagnant in my position. After one week of feeling this way I made different goals for myself to accomplish daily.

I have a color wheel and inside of that wheel I wrote things I want to learn, movies I want to watch, and fun activities for me to do inside. The exact wheel and writing is below:

As you can see, certain things are written on the wheel twice because I find them entertaining or they’re priorities.

I try to spin that wheel once a day when I have absolutely nothing to do and feel I could add a bit of productivity to my day. I also change out some of the options if I know I’m not going to do certain things.

Being at home has also allowed me to tap in with my spirituality. I’ve been meditating, writing in my journal more often, and working on feeling connected with my higher self.

It’s been so hard to stay positive and keep myself busy. I know that this is only temporary and life will go back to normal soon, so I try to stay up and be open-minded. I also try not to complain as it may seem that I’m doing in this post.

I know there are millions of people who are without jobs, who are currently facing displacement, and people who don’t know where their next meal is going to come from due to this pandemic. As I said before it is very easy to get wrapped up in depression during this time; especially for people who are going through challenges at home.

Praying for everyone’s sanity and health! Wash your hands and practice social distancing :)

-Crystal Onyx

[crystvlonyx]

Broke Boys

I had an entire different topic for this week but a couple days ago the way my life was going took a complete turn.

If you read my post last week then you would know I slightly slid in that right before COVID-19 evicted me from campus I started dating someone new... that situation has now changed. Many events have taken place where for right now I am completely done with the entire male species and I still have no hope for huMANity. Let's get into it!

I started talking to said guy who we will name Kap through instagram (eye roll). All throughout the semester he was trying to get my attention and each and every time I ignored his advances until I was just bored one day so I decided to finally respond.

We had a quick conversation through the dm’s and then he asked me for my number. I gave him my number we talked on the phone and he seemed like a nice guy so far. Two days later we went on a nice little date to eat and then the bowling alley and I surprisingly enjoyed it. From that point forward we either talked on the phone everyday or we hung out with one another.

He seemed like a really nice guy, a bit too pushy at times but overall decent. Kap was from New York, and I’m from Connecticut so we just automatically clicked in a weird way. We had so many cultural differences but at the same time we were so alike.

Some time had gone by and we had then gotten the news that Morehouse would be closing due to COVID-19. Kap is a senior so he was really devastated that his senior year had to end the way it did, he seemed very stressed about the situation. I went over to his place to be supportive and just listen to him vent about the entire ordeal.

Kap was telling me about how he doesn’t know how he’s going to get home so last minute, he’s too nervous to get on a flight, and he doesn’t have a car. Kap asked me if I was driving home and I said yes, he then asked if he could tag along on the trip. This is where I messed up.

I told him that I would think about it, but I knew I had already wanted to say yes. I felt bad about the situation we were all going through, I also didn’t want to take such a far trip by myself. After a couple of days of me “thinking about it” I told him yes, he’ll just have to split gas and tolls with me.

Within four days we packed my car up and we were ready to head out onto the road. We left Atlanta at midnight so I made him drive first because I do have trouble seeing at night.

I noticed he was driving a bit wild, and he would slam on my breaks and I would tell him “slow down you shouldn’t be stepping on the breaks like that” or “if you’re going to drive fast stay in the fast lane.”

Despite his driving, we had great energy the entire car ride. We learned so much about one another on this drive, we put each other on to music, it was overall just great vibes.

I started driving when we got to the end of North Carolina going into Virginia, and I was able to make it all the way up to Delaware until I got exhausted and started drifting off of the road. 

I asked him to finish the drive to NY because I still was going to have a two hour trip after he left. Kap agreed to drive the rest of the way while I slept for the rest of the time.

I woke up when we got to NY, paid for a toll, and within minutes we were in Harlem. As soon as we got to Harlem he seemed so excited to be home. While he was driving through the city he was telling me about their history and was pinpointing certain places he spent his childhood.

We hung out for about an hour until I decided it was time for me to start my drive to CT. Before leaving, he had told me he was very grateful that I had done him the favor of taking him home. also told me we have to make time to see one another after COVID. Kap said, and I quote “this isn’t goodbye it’s see you later.”

I arrived home and gave him a call, no answer. I sent him a text letting him know that there’s no need to call back, I just wanted to let him know that I had made it home safely. He sent a response back and I didn’t hear from him again until days later, he just swiped up on my story.

Days after that I called him just to talk, no answer. Kap sent me text telling me he’s not home, he also asked about my wellbeing. I let him know that it’s fine just call me back when he gets the chance; no call back.

A week had gone by so I sent him a text saying that it’s lame that he hasn’t said anything to me in a week but whatever I’ll just charge this situation to the game.

THE VERY NEXT DAY!!!! I receive a letter from the New Jersey Turnpike for a violation. Kap had gone through the EZ-PASS lane while I was asleep when he knew I didn’t have an EZ-PASS. The violation was an extra $50.00.

I sent him a text immediately saying I know he’s seen my messages and calls and is ignoring me, I don’t care. We need to take care of this situation as soon as possible... no text or call back.

The very next day I go to his Instagram page, I see that Kap blocked me. I go to text his phone, my messages are no longer delivering; BLOCKED.

I was so upset I started to cry about it with my close friend and she got so angry for me that she ended up messaging him on Instagram telling him about himself. 

Within a few minutes I receive a text from Kap saying that he’s been ignoring me because he reconnected with someone he used to date in high school and they’re taking their new relationship serious. The girl had seen my text message about the ticket and they had both decided that it would just be best to block me on everything for their “peace of mind.” THE NERVE. THE GULL. THE AUDACITY.

I blacked. I went off on his messages telling him that I don’t care about any of that I want my money. I have been nothing but great to Kap from the day that I met him and brought him HOME when I didn’t have to. I told Kap that I have shown him nothing but love and transparency from the moment we met and his final straw was the ticket he caused.

Since sending those messages I haven’t heard from Kap since. I gave him a time limit as to when I need to have the money in my bank account by and now all I can do is hope he’ll send me the money.

This situation has definitely taken a toll on my mentally. I always try to do what is right and never put anyone in bad situations yet still, people are always running me over. This situation has taught me that someone can smile and laugh with you today and kill you tomorrow.

I literally cannot stand the sight of anything having to do with NY or I immediately get triggered. This has just been a lesson for me. I’m not sure what the universe is trying to teach me with that situation but I do know that karma is a thing. I wish that man Kap nothing but the best and hopes he learns from this situation one day.

Until next week.. 

- Crystal Onyx

[crystvlonyx]

This Ain’t It Fam...

Spring break 2020 was supposed to be it. This school year has been the so draining, physically, mentally, and socially I need a break. I needed the spring break to regroup and overall get my entire life back together to finish out the rest of the semester strong. At first it was so well... My Thursday and Friday classes got cancelled so I dived right into my break with and I thought everything was sweet. Boy was I wrong.

My roommates and I had planned to make a last minute drive out of town and the top options were between New Orleans or Miami; we decided on New Orleans. The drive was only going to be about five hours and we were just ready to get up and out of Atlanta but we decided it would be best to go towards the end of spring break.

I started off my break going out with my friends and I had a really great time. A few days later I had received a phone call about a new job offer, I began dating someone new; life was just looking up for me.

In the middle of the week 2/3 of the AUC decided they were going to evacuate the following week due to COVID-19 and that is when everything went downhill for me. At first I was thinking to myself “we can still go to New Orleans” or “the school won’t tell us to leave, we’ll just have online classes from now on”... again I was wrong.

The very next day I got an email from school saying that we must evacuate by the following week and they’ll give us updates in regards to everything else later. 

I was beyond hurt. Not only did I have to leave school but I had to leave my job, decline a job offer, and cancel my plans. I was abruptly leaving my friends, a new person who just step foot into my life. I wouldn’t say I was emotional but I was definitely upset about the situation overall. 

I spent my half of my savings account to fix all of the issues with my car before going on that 15 hour drive back home, packed my entire life up in a matter of three days and left. 

That was probably the hardest few days I have endured in a very long time. The stress, the rumors, the unanswered questions, it all took a toll on me mentally.

In my last blog post I had mentioned how March is usually the month where I start over but, this is not the kind of restart I was wishing for. I hate that all of this happened especially while I was finally getting my life together and pieces started to connect.

Everyday that I wake up in my bed at home I think to myself “I’m not even supposed to be here right now!” I’m supposed to be in Atlanta with my friends, turning up because it was finally getting hot outside. Obviously Ms. Rona had different plans for all of us.

Hopefully we can overcome this sooner than later and I’ll be able to carry out all of my spring break plans and more when it gets warmer outside. I hate that all of this happened, especially in the middle of what was supposed to be my vacation.

After all that is said and done I look back and thank God I left when I did, especially before all of the students who went out of the country and to Miami came back to campus. 

I hope everyone is being safe and practicing social distancing seeing as though there has been an extra 30 days added to isolation and being a prisoner to our own homes. Be safe, wash your hands, and STAY HOME!

[crystvlonyx]

Out With The Old, In With The New

February 2020 was such a drag. I have literally never experienced a rough month like that one in such a long time. I thought my car was going to need a new alternator (a $700 repair), my favorite rapper died, and I started to slack off with classes.

Every year I like to think of March as my New Years. It’s the time to rejuvenate and learn from the many mistakes I may have mad two months prior. March is the month of Spring. Spring represents a rebirth of nature therefore a rebirth of me.

This time of year has always been a good time for me to form new habits, reflect on the things I have been going through and charge it all to the game. 

Things that I want to work on throughout this month are:

- Being intentional with my words: the power the tongue holds is out of this world and I feel as though I say things a lot to be funny but a lot of the time they actually come true. Being more positive when I speak goes a long way in regards to the future, as well as karma.

- Having a bedtime: I’m too old for one of these but that’s my problem. I go to bed at anytime of the night/morning and I don’t wake up at a decent time. I noticed that it’s been impossible for me to get out of my bed but I have class at 9am but I’m in my twin xl waking up at 12-1pm.

- Following through: In my last blog post I wrote about realizing that I haven’t been on my A-game and just following through with every plan I have for myself. I can’t want success but not want to work for it, so just advancing myself in the career I want to go into.

Those are the main goals that I have set for myself and of course I have smaller ones and other huge projects that I look forward to working on in the near future but I can’t give all of my secrets.

Nevertheless, at the end of March I want to be able to give an update and say that I accomplished everything AND was stuck true to my plans for myself.

See you next week :)

-Crystal Onyx

[crystvlonyx]

You Are The Boss of Your Own Progression

ac·count·a·bil·i·ty (noun): the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.

I have a tendency of not holding myself accountable for things I don’t do. Everyone has made the mistake of not looking at themselves in the mirror and recognizing where they may have gone wrong. 

On the other hand my problem is not taking accountability in my lack of growth. I’m always blaming my past or something completely unrelated as to why I can’t get something done. I realized this past week that I have stunted my own progression by not following through on goals I may set for myself.

There are so many aspects in my life that I want to change or fix but you cannot fix anything if you’re in the same position that you were in yesterday. You can’t wish to be a chef but never spend time in the kitchen, so you surely can’t wish for success but sit on your ass daily making no moves.

I have so many plans for myself but I don’t do what I know I have to do out of fear. When I actually do something that will put me a step closer to my goal I get so excited and reward myself too early instead of completing the goal. You cannot applaud a fish for swimming. 

This past week I took my behind to Target and bought a planner and a journal. I purchased those two items believing that if I have a place to write down my goals and things I need to do to complete them then I would be more motivated to get them done.

I soon realized that an agenda and journal cannot teach me self-discipline, if I don’t have the motivation to get something done then I just won’t do it. But would you look at that... accountability. I know that I didn’t want to do any of the things I said I was going to do but I also know that I cannot get any of the things I want without doing the small dirty work first. 

Staying motivated is so difficult, especially when it seems like the finish line is thousands of miles away. One of the only things that motivates me is seeing where I come from and realizing that I don’t want to have to work as hard as my parents did just to get ahold of the basic necessities of life. I want to live a great life, a lavish one at that. I don’t want to ever be comfortable in the same position for too long. 

Reminding myself of my past and seeing how far I have come already is the only motivation I have been able to consistently maintain. With that being said I bought post it notes and wrote phrases and numbers and put them all over my room and car (thank you Mary Jane for the idea). 

Since doing that it’s like it has given me the extra push I needed to get my entire life in order and complete tasks that I have been sitting on. 

Moral of the story, check yourself. The first step is recognizing the problem, the next step is finding a way to fix it. If you have goals don’t allow your laziness to get in the way of them. 

“Shoot for the stars and aim for the moon” -Bashar ‘Pop Smoke’ Jackson

The Flossy’s finest Pop Smoke, a Brooklyn legend. Rest in Heaven. Woo back baby.

[crystvlonyx]

Our Escape

Anx·i·e·ty (noun): a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Black people don’t really take mental illness seriously, don’t get me started on the ignorance of mental health in the Caribbean community.

We’ve all gone through our own childhood traumas but have we actually tackled them and found peace. Not to make you relive your trauma but I really feel like the things we’ve gone through as children affect us in our adulthood whether or not you like it. 

I’m not sure what stranger traumatized me but I feel like something has been wired in my brain where I immediately think STRANGER DANGER and I shut down, or maybe I’m comfortable and it’s just all in my head. 

I remember a few months ago when Summer Walker came out and cancelled the rest of her tour for her album, Over It, because of her anxiety and how uncomfortable she was with performing in front of thousands of people the internet made an entire mockery of her. At first I thought it was just a stunt but then after a while I realized if anything this girl and I are alike. 

While the entire black community nearly cancelled her because she just didn’t like the awkward interactions but she was completely fine while on the internet, it resonated with me. 

Many people have this misconstrued assumption that because someone is shy or has social anxiety they aren’t big social media people but if anything it is the complete opposite. I can be my true self on the internet because I don’t have to see anyone. I literally can say whatever and do whatever I want and if anything has anything bad to say about it they can catch a block and I continue with my regular scheduled programming. 

Expressing myself has never been a problem for me, if anything me being socially awkward enhanced my creativity because all I had was me to entertain.

I’ve been writing songs, making videos, editing, creating scripts, and writing books for as long as I can remember. That’s how I communicate best and that is how I release my emotions instead of being social.

Moral of the story: stop being ignorant and look at the kid that doesn’t speak a lot, they probably have a lot to say in other ways. Be kind to others.

To the people who ARE socially awkward and hate saying too much unless needed: find your outlet, and never let up once you find it!

Much love, 

Crystal Onyx

[crystvlonyx]

The Boring Stuff

This week I really want to highlight my past. I feel as if in order to understand me and to know where I’m coming from, you must understand my school life because I’ve been in a school setting essentially majority of my life and that’s where I spend the majority of my time after all. It won’t be that eventful, but before I jump into where I am now, I must tell you where I was at one point.

Starting from the BEGINNING beginning, I was born to two teenagers fresh out of Jamaica. They didn’t really have a clue as to what the Black-American in the hood lifestyle was really like but they stuck it through. My parents described me as “fastey” (that can be compared to the word “sassy” or having a smart mouth); I was full of personality but while out in public it’s like my ego went down ten notches. 

When I got a bit older I hated being at preschool. I had a strong dislike for all of my teachers and classmates and I would cry from the moment my mom dropped me off until someone picked me up. My parents decided they wanted me to start elementary school because I was pretty advanced for my age so I attended a private Catholic school. 

I was the only girl in the class for the whole school year and I surprisingly enjoyed it. I got along with everyone and I just remember having the most amazing teachers. In the middle of third grade my parents were no longer able to afford the school after having another baby so I went to the local elementary school.

The kids didn’t take me too well, and I certainly didn’t care for them. My first week there I got into my first fist fight because I stared at a girl for too long. I felt beyond out of place there. I was in school with all the neighborhood kids I’ve never seen a day in my life and it just felt like I had no one. 

I was never made aware of the disparity of me and my peers. My first few years of school I went to school with majority white kids so it was obvious to me that we were different. When I switched schools I was with so many Black kids and Hispanics that I thought we were alike and our customs would be the same and it wasn’t. We were so different from one another that we often clashed and it made it hard for me to connect with any of them.

After two years and four suspensions I left that school and attended another elementary school.

Every 1-2 years I continued to switch schools, try to make new friends, get into drama and fights. Then the cycle would continue. After awhile I really gave up on starting friendships and relationships with anyone because I essentially knew I was going to have to leave again.

It wasn’t until my sophomore year of high school that I met a teacher, Ms.Robinson, when I began to understand where I was messed up. After switching so many schools I had this idea that I can’t give people the chance to know me. It became an active push to further my reserved personality and be comfortable with being to myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I had friends.. not many, but they were there. These friends were surface level. I never wanted to talk to them outside of school and I surely wasn’t comfortable telling them anything too personal about me.

Ms. Robinson would lecture me weekly about opening up and just being comfortable with people but I still wouldn’t budge. 

I remember telling her what I would major in my senior year and she told me that I would have to change, but it would be a good change and that I would remember our conversations whenever I was in doubt. And would you look at that. Two years later and I still call her for a good refresher when I need that extra boost to carry on with my day.

Cheers to growth! Recognition is the first step, next is planning, execution, and finally result!

[crystvlonyx]

honestly...it’s ok to just use your skills on yourself! sewing clothes only you to wear, making art to hang up in your own personal area, singing and recording songs for you only to listen to...like not everything has to be for other people’s consumption!

[crystvlonyx]

Fresh Start

Starting fresh has always been tough for me. I’ve always struggled with learning something new or being in a new environment. Long phone calls with my mother always end in her reminiscing about when I was a toddler and how sweet and spoiled I was. For some reason she will always mention how shy I was though. I would often hear my mom mention things such as, “you used to hide when people would come to the house” or “I would have to leave work early and pick you up from daycare because you would cry the entire day.” Now that I am reaching my adulthood it’s all come back to me smacked hard in the face: this is where it ALL started!

I’ve always been a pretty shy kid; I always just thought it was due to me disliking people. In actuality I hate speaking to people without purpose, if I could, I would lock myself in the four walls of my room daily and enjoy the company of myself and social media.

For so long I envied the social butterflies that would have so many friends, meanwhile I have went throughout my life only having three friends at a time. After years of observing how fast friendships with those types of people could crumble, I became a strong believer in the saying “I rather have two lions than 100 sheep.”

Throughout my academic career I have switched schools six times due to behavioral issues (I’ll probably discuss that later), or moving out of the district. Each time that I essentially had to start over again I always felt alone (which I was) and I was never able to build long lasting relationships with anyone, which took part in me being so reserved.

As I am entering adulthood and currently in college, I’m now realizing just how much it has affected me and will continue to affect me if I don’t do something about it now. The career field I would like to enter doesn’t really leave room for error, and it’s beyond cut throat; constantly having to cross my t’s and dot my i’s.

Since starting college I noticed it’s physically and mentally difficult for me to build relationships and seek opportunities to network with professionals in my field. My heart literally falls to the pit of my stomach and I freeze up even thinking about going through weird social interactions.

I’ve made it a goal of mine this year to get out of that state of mind. I realized my biggest enemy is myself; only I can stop me from pursuing something I really want. There have been countless times where I have fumbled bags because of the little voice inside of me telling me I can’t.

I know that I can and I will. From this point forward I will be using this platform to document my progress battling with my anxiety, taking risks, and telling stories as to why I am the way that I am. I hope that when I make it someday this will be used as a guide and inspiration to other people like myself who want to be great but their minds aren’t allowing them to.

Join me on my journey, and cheers to starting fresh!

Much love,

Crystal O.

[crystvlonyx]

[crystvlonyx]

[crystvlonyx]

[crystvlonyx]

Rest in peace to Kobe Bryant who died this morning from a helicopter crash.

May God be with your family at this time 🙏🏿

[crystvlonyx]

[crystvlonyx]

schuyler peck / insta: hiitssky

[crystvlonyx]