csawrites

[csawrites]

PROTECTIVE AND TEASING KYORU!

[csawrites]

12/2/19

It’s been a long while since I’ve last gotten to sit down and just jot out my thoughts. Blogging/journaling used to be such a significant release for me in the years when I felt like I didn’t have a lot of people around me to confide in. But it was also a really cool way of documenting things down to remember and reflect on in the future. 

I’ve drifted away from jotting details down for the past two years! Since getting married, really. Which is so lame because there have been so, so many amazing things and moments of breakthrough that I have experienced individually and collectively with Austin, my family, my community, etc. 2018 and 2019 have been so good. 

I want to be better at being present on here, again. Journaling is a way for me to get away, spend time reflecting on important truths from the Father, and wrestling through my own thoughts on those. 

Today I’m reflecting on rest. True rest: abiding. I think of the passage in John that talks about how if we abide in Him, we will bear much fruit. I grew up thinking it was all about how if we stay believing in Him, He’ll give us a fruitful life, but the ABIDING aspect really means truly, truly resting in Him. A deep rest, a deep connection that we go out of our way to do. It’s not this passive “oh, I’m a believer so I’m always connected/abiding in Him” -- it’s an active intentional thing to stop where we are, prune a few things, to make time to spend with Him. 

This month my church community and I are prioritizing this deep abiding. Instead of filling December with intense Christmas events and services, we are celebrating Him by making room and time to truly, truly connect and rest with Him and others. For me, where I connect most with God is in music, in writing, I nature, and in quality time with my husband and friends who uplift and fill my soul. What I’ve learned in the past couple years is that you can experience God intimately in so many different ways; not just in sitting for hours in Scripture. 

Finding and making my way back to my restful rhythms with God! Cheers to a month of true rest.

[csawrites]

12am

Getting married tomorrow. :-) 

[csawrites]

Next week

I get married next week.

I’m forever thankful. 

These few months have been the most challenging and most heavy of months in such a long time -- essentially because I’ve been stretched in so many directions by so many things and people and places. I think the business with wedding planning, the struggle of keeping/growing/restoring relationships with people near or far from me, more responsibility at work, building my relationship with the Father, and just making sure I rest has been the hardest thing to balance. I admit things haven’t been as balanced as I’d like them to be. I’ve messed up a good handful of things because I succumbed to defeat. This stretch before fully settling in life has made me more impatient to settle. 

But the good part of it is that all the things that I desire to do will finally be possible after this next month. 

I’ll have time to rest from a socially draining work shift. I’ll have time to restore my social capacity and spiritual capacity so that I can have much more thriving interactions with people who do or don’t know Jesus. I’ll have energy to call back home. I’ll have the freedom to be with my husband without worrying about making a mistake, because it won’t be a mistake anymore, anyway. 

All I can say is, I can’t wait to have time and energy and joy to give to others again, and to myself, and to Austin. 

This next season of rest is something I’ve been looking forward to for quite sometime now, and it’s been much, much needed. I’ve been drained, I’ve been heavy. But the Lord is gracious enough to give me this gift of marriage and love with Austin, and this gift of rest that is to come. 

I can feel the excitement of the fruitfulness of next year. This year has been a struggle, but I know without a doubt that next year is the year that Austin and I thrive tremendously together and individually. Sure, there will be hardships that come with that season. But I know the season as a whole will be absolutely refreshing.

Cheers to the next two weeks of stress before the following months of relief -- cheers to soon being able to breathe again!

[csawrites]

:-)

[csawrites]

❤️

[csawrites]

Today marks a year of being a barista. Coffee is fun and brings people together. I love what I do, even if it's for a season.

[csawrites]

Some fun little moments from these past few months in Portland.

[csawrites]

5.19.17

I haven't gotten to update anything in forever. I was able to take a couple hours to nap and catch up on sleep I've been needing, which explains why I'm still up here past midnight. So many thoughts. Life in Portland has been beautiful, to say the least. It's been purposeful and has been enriching my soul in ways I would've never expected. There's a lot to be said about being surrounding by a loving community every single day — living with them, praying first thing in the morning with them, enjoying meals with them every day, serving with them, doing chores and having hard conversations, having good conversations with them. I recognize that this is a sweet season that years from now I'll look back and know how incredibly rare and special it was. Church isn't a Sunday thing, or a Friday night thing anymore. Church isn't an event or a place or a service — the church is the people who know and love our Father, and who give their hearts to Him. In that case, I go to church each day and it's a lifestyle that's growing me more and more and shaping my heart to be more attuned to the Father. I've seen miracles and transformations happen before our very eyes; the impossible happening in crazy ways. Things that shouldn't have happened in the eyes of the world are happening. God has proved to be faithful in His provisions and in His love. We've settled into North Portland and are seeing how He's using us to love and heal this city, one person at a time. Sometimes, it's a little unreal. It's all things that couldn't have happened on its own. Life in Portland has been so fulfilling, despite now living a minimal and frugal life. I guess that frugality left me with no option other than to enjoy the little things now. A home-cooked meal tastes better than before; I eat with intention for my nutrition than for my tastebuds, and it's growing my savings each day. I don't have the need to shop or get new clothes and makeup, nor am I having withdrawals from not going out as often as before. Last but definitely not least, God has been telling me to build a life with Austin, and that's exactly what we've been doing. What a season it's been, and what a season it's going to be. Eight months of him being in my life has led my heart to be where I always knew it could happily be. He is exactly what my soul needed to get through this transition in Portland, and he'll keep being my rock and my support in this lifetime. I am the luckiest woman alive to be with someone with a heart like his, so driven by a love centered on our Father. I'm also lucky that he'll be moving across the street from me in a few days! I get to experience life with him in a much more constant and intimate way, and I'm excited to see how much more God will grow us in this season and the next. Thank you, Portland. Time to sleep; I'm ready for yet another action-packed day.

[csawrites]

Werk (4.3.17)

[csawrites]

Praise God, too, that my relationship with this guy has been flourishing simply by living in community and fellowship with all of the others. I'm blessed to be with someone who empowers me and humbles me all by reminding me in profound ways of who I am in Christ. I can't imagine anyone better for my soul. I want to be to him all that he is to me.

[csawrites]

3.31

I really need to start writing here again! God has been so good these past couple weeks for the group. Praise God that I got hired at The Great North after two interviews. Since then, I've been trained by extremely well renowned coffee roasters (Coava Coffee) at their roastery. I learned more about the sustainable roasting that Coava does, essentially where our coffee come from. The barista is only as great as the coffee, and the coffee is only as good as the farmer, they said, so there's never a need for a barista to be pretentious and prideful. I really appreciate their perspective on that and it makes me more happy to serve with a company that is all about the craft in a truly humble way. I got to train my palette on picking up the flavors of espresso from different grinds, doses, times, etc. I learned tips and tricks that will help make what I do more consistent, much easier and just better overall. Ugh, I'm just learning so much and I can't wait to use each of these things to bring the Kingdom here. I know it sounds weird to say that a cup of coffee can be for the glory of God. But I think about how a good cup of coffee can give the energy to a writer who comes in the shop, and she'll write something inspirational online that will save a depressed man's life. I don't know, I think about these things. Since moving here I've learned that everything is interconnected with our souls, and so everything is connected to God. My hope is that when people walk into The Great North, and when I serve them or work with them, they'll see Light that inspires them to know God more and more. Anyway, I'll be working full time there and then part time at Cathedral Coffee, which is yet another blessing in itself. The staff at Cathedral have been rooting me on — when they found out I was still unemployed, they felt that God was telling them that I need to be working there. They want me to work there and essentially have saved me a spot for when their second location opens. If scheduling works out, I'll be working here, too. Right by my house. And both these jobs are the start of a new season of learning to balance everything going on in my life before Keren and I find a place or room to rent out. Then as she moves out for her next chapter (so crazy!! God is so good!), we'll see where that directs me... in particular, where and when that directs Austin and I. Big things are happening here.

[csawrites]

3.21.17

Ah, Portland.

Well, I’m glad I finally have a job. It’s been a strenuous search, and there were a lot of prospects. There were even jobs that I really wanted but didn’t end up getting, which left me disappointed and discouraged. So many interviews and stressing for those and for one interview, the interviewer didn’t even remember me the next time he saw me. I think it humbled me a lot. 

I took a pause for a week on the job search, until Andy told me that Tim had applied at The Great North before he got hired at a different coffee shop. They emailed him and mentioned they’re still hiring (he was already settled at the other shop, though), so he shared it to Andy who shared to me. I dropped off my resume a couple days later, then heard the next morning at 6am that they want me to come in for an interview. So, I went. Then scored a second interview two days after. 

Without describing all of the conversation and questions and answers, let’s just say it went well because there was a ton of favor that God granted me in that moment. 

They hired me the next day. 

And in hindsight, this was the best job prospect I applied for here. It’s right here in downtown St. Johns in the bustle of the neighborhood. It’s nice and clean, it’s busy, and they serve quality coffee from reknowned Coava. I’ll be training under and at Coava Coffee Roasters this week to have some quality training on technique, knowledge, art, etc. and I’m more than excited. I want to be excellent at my job so I can best serve people, and so people will love to come back over and over until a great connection is built. I know coffee is such a simplistic thing, and these days it’s so common that it’s almost overlooked. But serving people in a coffee shop is one of the greatest ways to reach the people here in Portland, honestly. I’m really excited to see how God uses me at The Great North, and all the great new people I’ll be able to share my testimony to. God is so good and He provides, not just the bare minimum but sometimes He gives you the best quality provisions and opportunities. 

Cheers to a new job!

[csawrites]

3.10.17

It's strange. It switches back and forth from feeling encouraged and discouraged. I'm in a new place with new people and God is changing me through absolutely everything surrounding me. He's breaking me in the smallest and biggest ways, and I'm being rebuilt. He's growing me and I'm finally feeling those growing pains. But at the same time I'm the most content and truly the happiest I've ever been. One challenge has been facing the fact that I am more introverted than I realized. I tend to break away from the action after awhile but I miss out on connecting with the people as much as I could. I need to grow these relationships with the people here; and I need to grow my relationships with people back in California still. But when I'm overwhelmed with life, I tend to break away from most people and do life on my own. It's overwhelming to be around people all of the time — especially people who don't fully know me to the bone like most people did back home. It's been hard. But God's been challenging me to participate more and to be more involved. It's a hard challenge, as my tendency is to keep to myself, contemplate, journal or blog on my phone, etc. Another challenge has been being jobless. No barista work, no photography work, and then struggling with the music I've been doing for church. I realize a lot of my identity has always been stored in these. If someone asked me to tell them about myself, my go-to answers wouldn't be 'a daughter of God,' but a photographer, a musician, a writer. Maybe God's stripping me of these things for this season so that I can clearly see who I am, and who He sees me to be. I am His before I am anything else. Tonight, Anton and Courtney came to me on separate moments to essentially tell me that they see I'm changing so much, in good ways. They just see God molding me in all these ways. Anton said that he looks at me now and I just have this different countenance since when I first moved here. He said he thinks I'm experiencing more breakthrough in my life than what I even realize. Then Courtney comes and says that there's something different about me. And it's all true, I suppose. It's why I can feel encouraged. But it's also why I can feel so discouraged, because it's all so new and I'm trying to keep up. Life is so different now than it was the past 21 years of life. There's the grace of being resurrected back to life, but before the resurrection, you ought to be crucified to your old ways. Not just the bad, but all of the good ways, too. It means putting on the cross not just the bad things, but the good things. My good desires. My good dreams, hopes, aspirations. My relationships and the love I've grown to know. I have to surrender those things now on a continual basis and it's harder than I thought. But it's all so painfully good. I just have to embrace it a whole lot more nowadays. Anyway... as much as there have been challenges, I won't ever trade the life I have now for anything else. I know that in a year, I'll look back and there will have been so much growth and development. I'm glad to be in this trial. But I'm glad to give myself time and surrender God time to get me out of this pit.

[csawrites]

March 10, 2017 Morning details. Busy times but I’m glad I always have a peaceful hour to myself in the mornings. Been noticing I enjoy smaller things these days: a new pen, round-tipped nails, warm socks, subtle feminine pieces of clothing (that don’t make you feel so boyish in warm clothes)… I’m about to leave to the airport once again for the 5th time in a week to pick up more of the fam. They all left to Compton for a conference workshop and I’ve had to do the honors of picking up and dropping off people. I could complain, but it’s the very least I could do for them all. Life here in Portland has been minimal and character building. I need to start writing and documenting life through here once again!

[csawrites]

2.21.17

[csawrites]

🍳🍳🍳

"I think that reflecting on the past few months has made me just extra grateful to be with you. I am so blessed in a way that no one else will ever be blessed by you. Out of everyone on the planet, I get to receive the most love from you and also give you the most love. That's so eggciting. So before I start my shift today I just want to say today's daily vows to you: I love you, Charmaine. And I will demonstrate that to you every day. You can eggspect to be loved and respected and served and cared for every single day. Let there never be a day when you fail to believe that you are deeply valued and forget that you are filled with beauty. You deserved to be with a garden partner that points you to Jesus and that encourages your gifts and strengths and that fans your flame. Let us always shine together a light that is consistently ineggstinguishable because it is of God. I want to fill the role of your best friend, your biggest fan, your spiritual leader, your support system, your companion, your garden partner, your personal comedian, the friend that challenges you, the friend that gives you grace to fail while simultaneously seeing your potential for the greatness that the Lord has for you, your listening ear that is focused and cherishes your words, and I want to fill the role of the one who loves you infinitely. God has entrusted me to you and you to me, and in that, I'm yours and you're mine. You're my greatest gift and most valuable treasure and you deserve all of my love. Have a blessed day Charmaine! Go be a light. Shine bright!" (2/16/17 1:12pm)