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i need a blunt

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nerd realizes she needs school.

dont get me wrong,i fucking hate school as much as the next ugly teenage girl, but whenever i skip a day, or especially on long breaks i just get this overwhelming feeling of absolute loneliness that i cant do anything about and it is the worst feeling i have ever experienced. It feels like someone carve a hole inside me and took a part out, a part that i didnt know i even had there, but they took it and i can feel the gaping emptiness of where it used to lie. During the summer, what will i do? i think people make this go away, not just friends but i mean the abundance of people at school, and the things i have to do there that i hate, it all makes it...something, but breaks are nothing. they are rest and they are nothing and i love them but fuck i dont know what im going to do this summer. Im really fucking scared. i do have a job working at a camp but that will only be for 3 weeks, the time in between? absolute fucking hell.

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EPILOGUES OF A BITCH

hellloo theree you, okay so this is my diary thing I dont LIKE calling it a diary cuz it sounds so cliche, but its fine, anyways yes that is what this is and some of my thoughts and feelings may be weird and scattered and all over the place and most of them probably reaallyy reallyy suck and you MAY think im horrible, but thats OKAY becauseee im mostly making this for me, because my feelings change so much its really hard to keep track of them, and I also do not like talking about personal stuff ever, even with my closest of friends, who im sure youll hear ALL ABOUT.

okay please enjoy me bearing my soul to you. ( i also really love homestuck if that means anything...)

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guys what would be a better career path…paramedic of forensic psychologist…? idk

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I can't tell if Joshua is squinting or if his eyes are just like that. It's possible that he's just some white guy with weird Asian looking eyes but idk. Am I stupid, does everyone know he's faking it and i'm just too retarded to figure it out?

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hangouts

told 2 people id hangout with them tommrow, hoping one cancels, but i dont really wanna hangout with either of them, iw anna sit at home all day and do nothing and maybe cry a little.

i was gonna ask my ex out for boba cuz i forgot how much she was to talk to and its been months and we both mvoed on and are friends now and we text, but since what i said about my last post wiht her i just think that i dont fucking want to because of my ego, i dont want her to have the fucking privalege of being able to talk and text and go places with me, i am more interesting and dun than all her fucking dumbadd friends COMBINED, but since she pulled that fucking stunt im MAD at her, and im not gonna talk to her at lunch and im not walking to my class with her and im going to not text her, because FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER. MY YOUR OTHER FRIEND WHOS MY BEsT FRIEND DOESNT EVEN FUCKING LIKE YOU SHE FEELS BAD FOR YOU. LIKE YOURE SOME LOST FUCKING PUPPY, BECAUSE YOU ARE. YOU HAVE NO OPINIONS, AND WHEN YOU DO?? THEY ARE REGURGITATED AS FUCKING SHIT. YOU HAVE NO NEW THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS AND YOURE ALWAYS BOUNCING ON SEBASTIANS DICK GOD GET THE FUCJ OUT

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People suck and are annoying.

my friends were planning to watch a movie together in theatres alone together, one is my gf and one is my best friend, this isnt weird though as they have been friends since before we started dating, but me and my ex have gotten closer lately so she invited me to go with them. of course my best friend wanted me there but then she said she was scared my ex would be third wheeling bc me and my best friend are very close and we talk a lot, but i said its fine my ex can sit between us and well make sure she isnt left out. but my best friend kept talking about it over and over and over and so i just said FINE FUCK IT I WONT GO because what the FUCK??? my ex doesnt think she would be left out or she WOULDNT HAVE FUCKING INVITED ME??? and then and FUCKING THEN my best friend texts my ex amt about this to ask her if shes okay with it and my ex goes "UGHH IDK ITS FINE EITHER WAY" do u not have a fucking opinion??? YOU INVITED ME???? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES I DONT WANNA FUCKING GO ANYMORE BECAUSE ITS RUINED. and then i say that im not going and its fine, but then my best friend starts begging me to go/??? FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING RUINED IT, IT WAS FINE TILL YOU FUCKING RUINED IT UFCK OFF FUCK YOU AND FUCK MY EX BECAUSE WHY DID SHE HAVE NO OPINION??? YOU FUCKING IDIOT OMFG I HATE EVERYONE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

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AUGGHH I NEED A BOYFRIEND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE IF THERE IS A GOD OUT THERE PLEASEEE PLEASEEE PLEASE PLEASE JUST ONE BOY PLEASE PLEWSE JUST ONE BOY PLSPLSPLS

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i feel like i might be deppressed but i don’t know for sure,i might just be a little lonely

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lonely???

after hanging out with someone for a long time or for like 2 days in a row or more for example, the days after i feel like shit, is it loneliness??? i dont even know. i just feel like i miss them?? but i dont feel like thats fully it, because it doesnt go away when im with them for someone else, infact it wont go away, i feel so loenly and i just want it to go away, does anyone else feel this way from time to time?

im also really stressed about my music exam, im so fucking ass at my instrument and i cant play my exam piece, but im also too fucking lazy to pick up my clarinet and actually practice so i cant even complain. I feel too shitty to do anything other then make this feeling go away.

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after a really fun 2 days that i spent with someone for like the ENTIRE day,i feel so lonely the day after u know???? shit i’m high typing this but i just wish that i always had someone i could be with u know? like not a girlfriend or boyfriend,i mean something that was just ALWAYS with me, i hate this random wave of loneliness, it really sucks but boo hoo, can’t do much about it other then smoke and hope it passes right? fuck i wish i was with ANYONE right now dude.

this is how i felt as a child sometimes

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i went to anime north with my ex girlfriend and she BOIGHT MY TICKET, i thought it would be horrible and awkward but it was actually like…SO much fun?? and she bought stuff for me without me even asking and she bought me food and it wasn’t awkward at all, avtually it just felt like the same??

it’s weird because i got what i wanted, when we broke up i wanted things to be the same but just as friends and at one point i thought that was impossible, but now i’ve gotten exactly what i wanted, which is insane to me, it’s happening and it’s all better.

i had so much fun with her and we laughed and i realized what i missed about her, and how much i need that in my life and honestly i feel so bad about all the shit i talked about her with my friend while we broke up because the truth is, when you’re not around someone for awhile and you miss them, your brain fills in the blanks, probably with bad things because you don’t WANT to miss them, but when i really hungout with her i realized how deluded and bitchy i was being, always show compassion for everyone.

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uhmm i’m having a crisis because my friend and her friends said i look like a lesbian???

this would be fine,if i WAS A LESBIAN??? which i am not,i’m okay with looking a LITTLE gay because i am bisexual yknow? but i don’t wanna look like a LESBIAN, like i WANT a boyfriend but how will any guy ever want me if i look like a lesbian???

but i asked my friend like what does she even mean?? WHY do i look like a lesbian and how can i fix it. I have mid length brown hair, i guess i have some layers and like curtain bangs, i have rectangular glasses that are a really dark red colour, maybe even brownish, and i wear a lot if bracelets and i have a nose and a lip piercing, i’m gonna get new glasses which are a different shape so i hope that helps, i don’t wanna take my lip piercing out because i think u can have one without look like a lesbian right???? ughhhhh

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my phones totally broken and my guy friend who idek that well is giving me his old phone and idk why but i lowkey feel bad cuz likeeee idk i just feel like i’ll have to owe him u know??? i mean ig it’s fine he’s the one who offered but still…

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weed would fix me

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FUCK im bored…boredom WILL kill me one day…and there’s literally no shows to watch or even any movies, i also just watched mysterious skin which was like really good?? also very very disturbing but in like a mythical way and i really liked it, the whole thing with brian thinking the coach was aliens was really cool.

i also like to see it as how sexual assault can lead to totally opposite outcomes in a child, for niel it made him crave older men and yearn for it, but for brian he was scared of any kind of sexual interaction and completely blocked it out, i think that’s a really interesting thing to look at.

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when i go somewhere and i chose to be with my other 2 friends instead of my group and my other 2 friends aren’t apart of my group and the group goes somewhere without me ahahahha but i think it’s fine cuz it was just the guys and my ex gf going so now that i think abt it i’m acc not jelous wait….

uhmmm yeah like my friend gia and hana and dylan didn’t go either??? sooo i’m fine tbh it was just sebastian,eric,ben and zuzanna oh god ew god nvm i’m glad i didn’t go….(i kinda like eric tho so…:C)