cubcop-blog

[cubcop-blog]

oh hey, congrats on finding this post,... mom.

anyways, i know that there's been a bit of.. confusion in the past days about my identity and things like that.. if you are snooping through this, you won't find much except random suggestions ( i dont look at them because its weird to me) and my likes, which is actually pretty useful stuff for you.

Ok, soo if you are wondering why i have this post up here, its because i feel like writing can express myself more than verbally speaking.. the only thing i would like to say is if you are going to say something or question ,heres a few good tips i got from (actual) posts of advice for lgbtq+ related things:

Don't yell or raise your voice at your child, and maintain a calm and (if possible) not too loud voice.

Sexual orientation isn't what you think it is- about sex, fantasy dreams of that sexuality or desires. It actually consists of liking, and can be possible with out these "pleasures". Please, do not assume that sexual orientation = always attracted to having sex/dreams of with that type of gender/person.

This is NOT A phase. if your child says they are sure of their gender, then just go with their lead, even if its against your beliefs.

Gender identification and Sexual orientation IS NOT affected by the environment! Even if there's certain quality aspects or likings, nothing can change your child's gender, love interest, or belief.. and you can't poke a hole in theirs.

gee, I'm still worried that you are going to ridicule me on this, but i understand if you don't feel super ok.. but i know one thing you are not going to do to my self being and identity- no matter how many times you say "no, this isn't right" or "you are not a label- you dont need to do this for attention" and "you are my only daughter, why the (heck) do you still think you are a boy??!".

all i have to tell you is..

mom, i know my self better than you, even if im not so sure...

i kept this away from you for 4 years, even if i said i was associating with this since 11yrs old. This was on my chest for 4 years! and this might be vile in text, but you cannot just push me away and just say its a phase. 4 years, and you never asked that "what do you feel like sometimes?" question. and just a few days i decided to come out to you.

it irks me a bit. not a lot. just enough to cry while typing this. im not mad, im just trying to "prove" my point and tell you what i am.

some days i hate myself.

some days i don't.

some days, i just try to layer up so i don't see my "girly chest" and other feminine features. i hate the dysphoria from that.

I'm scared, mom.

scared of being pushed away, deadnamed, and forced to use she/her pronouns.

what if i tell dad and he tries to kick me out?

what if we can't find a lgbtq+ counslor?

what if, just what if??

aspergers.

it DID NOT make me this way. i chose to do this.

i guess the correct way to explain is..

well,

uh..

my brain works in such a way that it only can understand some things-

example: my face. my brain keeps telling me that well, that my face is more like dads, so my face would be "masculine." same thing goes for my legs, neck and anythig else i got from dad, right?

but the thing is, i don't see much of your side in my structure, even if i have your eyes or eyebrows,chest,etc..

i just feel weird.

sometimes i have to look in the mirror and remind myself, day after day, painfuly thinking: "if genetics and resemblance is the most important part of recognition, why do i not line up or at least look more like my mom? so why does my brain think i look more like my dad just because of my face? is something wrong, or am i raising my expectations too high?"

I'm tired of this.

at school, everyone calls me by any pronoun, but mostly he/him, and im cool with that. sometimes i ask my teachers to refer to physical gender and pronuns so you wouldn't expect your kid to be trans.

"jay" was the only name i could possibly feel boyish with..but i knew that modeling after my dad was a mistake, because at first it confused you. i swore to myself that i wouldn't go by any other name except jay or my original name, and it pains me to actually type all of this, so please mom, don't push this aside, it means alot to me.

it pangs my heart, because i remember that last year, while you were scrolling helplessly through facebook, you had watched a video of a boy who was expressing himself through wearing a girl's scarf and wanting to be a fashion designer.. i remember you also saying that you would support your children just like him, no matter what..

what happened to that?

I know this sounds a tad off, but why would you say that you support that and then don't seem to support me when i came out to you?? and im not trying to argue, im just confused, really.

so, im just.. distraught.

distraught as in: to believe and led astray to a miscommunication or have a confusion of truth.

I will say this again, in a more clear way:

I am transgender FtM , meaning that i identify as male, not female.

and i haven't transitioned yet, so I'm not entirely "male" yet.

my sexual orientation is pansexual, meaning that i can love anyone, and can be in a relationship with anyone. my romantic attraction is currently homoromantic- and this one i cannot stress enough, this means that i am more attracted to GUYS, not girls since im transgender.

and yes, i know that i might of told you that i was more attracted to girls, but i was confused at the question you asked me..

but this DOES NOT mean that i fantasize about girls or boys in an inappropriate way, or want to do anything -intercourse- related, because i do not need to worry about that yet- not until I'm out of the house, anyways.

furthermore, my expression in clothing is still feminine, but i prefer dresses and skirts in the spring,summer-same goes for shorts and other breathable clothes. in the winter and fall, i layer up on jackets,sweaters and heavy coats.. i think you might already seen me wear the big fluffy jacket.. i like that one.

gives me a lot less stress because i cant see my chest (ironically, that rhymes)

as for name changes, as of right now i don't want to cause much stress with you trying to find my birth certificate or things like that, because i feel like even though my name is more adapt to a girl, i feel like it can work for a boy's name too!

(funny story, there was a boy named justice at Ed White Middle School while i was there in Texas! - i had a bit of a crush on him, but he was a tad bit annoying at the end.)

there's a whole bunch of things i also forgot to tell you, a bit of relationships over these years i was scared to tell you-

-I used to be in a polyamorous(multiple) relationship with Lindsey Jones, a 7th grader here at Rock Creek MS (just turned 13) she was super nice and supporting of me, and her boyfreind was actually Christian Young, a good freind of mine who now plays the baritone sax (hes an 8th grader now)! Sadly Lindsey moved away due to family fights and abusive sisters, but we cared for her through that.

-In my late 7th grade year, there was this (adorable) guy named Tim(late 6th grader, barely 12??), and he was homosexual but had a huge dorky crush on me- but i was only going to be his friend, because of age gap.

-6th grade year. Christian was new and so was i. we had a lot of things in common, and had alot of likes.

one day, somewhere in june (i think) he asked me out.

i kinda didn't know how to take this because we were actually the same age, and just in a best freind type of relationship.

so i nicely said no...

-ok, this was back in Hawaii(?), when i was on summer break.. this blonde boy named Collin was actually pretty nice to me and caring.. and im not making this up, because i remember his name vividly.. i think it was the first relationship I've been in.

so.. i hope this covered a lot.. none of the relationships I've been in have been sexual or abusive, and no, it wasn't foul either.

end of post. have a corgi attempting to jump a fence.