cubertthecube

[cubertthecube]

[cubertthecube]

Samantha Goes to the Banana Pan

The lovely monkeys at this tiny establishment do a fine job……………at ruining your evening. My veggie burger was admittedly delightful, and the strawberry milkshake I sipped while perusing the Twitter feed of my rival critics was rich and alluringly pink. 

However, the couple sitting next to me kept talking about their recent vacation to New York City, a destination I cannot condone due to the fact that the mere thought of getting on a subway makes me gasp with claustrophobia. A more responsible staff would take care to avoid such junior seating mistakes. 

One bright spot in the meal: I found a typo on the menu that reminded me of a wild and passionate night I had with a former set designer from the classic sitcom Mr. Peanutbutter’s House.

STAR RATING: 81,210 out of 1,000,000,000

[cubertthecube]

Samantha Goes to Muskrat & Frank

Old Hollywoo is an obsession of mine. For instance, did you know that Audrey Hepburn once told my mother that a psychic told her that she would give birth to one of Hollywoo’s greatest restaurant critics? (That would be me, for any of my slow readers.) 

Because of this, it brings me great sadness to declare this Hollywoo institution a total travesty. I left shortly after receiving my appetizer because there was so much food on the plate. It looked more like a full meal. It felt like a personal affront to my spiritual and political beliefs. Even now, as I type this while driving down Sunset (yes, I am driving; multitasking is one of my many skills) my entire body is vibrating with rage. 

One bright spot in the meal: I saw Maggot Gyllenhaal at the bar on what appeared to be a very bad first date.

STAR RATING: 2,541 out of 1,000,000,000.

[cubertthecube]

Samantha Goes to Gracias Mariposa

The fried plantains were “delightful,” a word I put in quotation marks because I mean quite the opposite: they were wildly offensive to my palate. My margarita was somewhat lovely, but one of the grains of salt on the rim sliced open my lip. While I did not actually see any of my precious blood gushing from the wound, the anxiety of waiting for it caused me substantial stress and displeasure. 

But perhaps most horribly, the color of their cactus enchilada reminded me of a rocking chair accident that I was in as a child, an incident I had successfully repressed after 6 years of intense psychotherapy. I look forward to sending the owners of this establishment my bills for all future treatment. 

One bright spot in the meal: the ice water was sufficiently cold. 

STAR RATING: 11,047 stars out of 1,000,000,000.

[cubertthecube]

Forgot to post this here for a sec lol

[cubertthecube]

just some hungry mark

[cubertthecube]

Accidentally put a hole in my son's face :/

[cubertthecube]

:3

[cubertthecube]

can you tell i rewatched the original lilo and stitch recently

[cubertthecube]

Its pride month

You know what that means >:)

‎

[cubertthecube]

I tried like 7 times and then my roommate fixes it in under a minute I want to kms

Couch covers are ableist

[cubertthecube]

Couch covers are ableist

[cubertthecube]

im a whole 2 days late for maid day

[cubertthecube]

“I don’t do math because I’m gay” “the gays can’t do math” “If I explain math on tumblr I’ll lose my gay card” all of you apologize to Alan Turing right now 

[cubertthecube]

Again

[cubertthecube]

Conquestawa🦭

[cubertthecube]

Big pup!?