curiokcals

[curiokcals]

hello ^^ it's been a while, but im in uni right now and have been in "recovery" for... a while...

it's difficult, because as much as my body is now being nourished and stuff, i still havent changed mindsets. i still want to starve and i still want to be skinny but im not and it's difficult. it's really really difficult lol i hate myself a lot

i cant afford to fast though, because when i fast, i get terrible brain fog that holds me back from my studies. it's really really bad and can be scary because i feel euphoric until i eat something and then i realize how stupid i was acting. i could get away with it in hs but not in uni, and i cant afford to fail out. i need this degree. i need it so bad i can't even begin to explain. i'm willing to feel like shit and look like shit every day just to get it and it's really really hard

but we'll see, maybe i can start small...? just cutting out one or two things. not quite fasting but definitely losing weight. idk. i can toe the line between diet and ed. we'll see

[curiokcals]

just had the most mentally ill thought i think i've ever had and all i can do is laugh about it because it's that or i cry

[curiokcals]

ok i won't lie... as disordered as i may be, ibs is not fun and i do NOT like having it!! like ok great free lax but also holy shit ow!!!!!

[curiokcals]

my mother always seems to make food that she wants me to eat on days when i planned on fasting all day, and it's both sweet because aww, you put in that much effort just for me? wow i feel special! and annoying because jesus fuck mother i am trying to starve over here god fucking damn it

[curiokcals]

the only plus to my having ibs and being severely lactose intolerant is that literally anything could be a laxative for me. dairy? yep. sriracha? of course. a full course balanced meal? mhm. rice cakes and nothing else? absolutely. literally just being really stressed/sad/upset? oh for sure.

[curiokcals]

i had recovered for a little while but i think i just relapsed because of timoth3e chal@met and i'm so angry about that (not about the relapse just about the timothy fucking chalmalet part)

[curiokcals]

every now and then i have my Best An0rexic arc and then i remember i have ednos and get trapped in the WORST binge cycle hello

[curiokcals]

where tf did all my new followers come from?? anyway here's my october tracker, i made it on smth someone from edtwt made

here's to a good october!

[curiokcals]

so yesterday i decided to let myself have a couple chips as a celebration of making over $1000 in sales at work. my sister had friends over and my mom said "yeah the kids didn't eat as much as i thought they would but they're all so skinny so it makes sense" and then i sat there in shock for a second.. then i got up and threw out the chips

[curiokcals]

listening to weight loss subs while studying for my classes is one of my fav ways to motivate myself to actually do the work

[curiokcals]

society when i can get away with buying a fucking scale again

[curiokcals]

my part-time retail job has become my new best friend... the entire time u have to be walking around and standing so u get 10k-11k steps in one shift alone and burn 400-odd more cals than usual

[curiokcals]

wow soleil you are so funny!! tell more shitty jokes please

when i think "i'm hungry" while i'm fasting it's not only in an "ohh😢😢 im so hungry 😟😢💔💔" kind of way but also in an "ohh 🥰🥰 im so hungry 🥰😌🙌🙏🥳" kind of way so it all kind of cancels out to not feeling any hunger

[curiokcals]

when i think "i'm hungry" while i'm fasting it's not only in an "ohh😢😢 im so hungry 😟😢💔💔" kind of way but also in an "ohh 🥰🥰 im so hungry 🥰😌🙌🙏🥳" kind of way so it all kind of cancels out to not feeling any hunger

[curiokcals]

so, i went climbing yesterday, and although it's too soon to tell if i've had any results, i had loads of fun. it's really engaging for ur arm and leg muscles, and ur core depending on what types of routes u do

i only climbed for like 1 hour and it wiped me out lol, idek how many calories i burnt— however, the average for climbing is 500-900 cals per hour. that being said, do i trust that number? no. i really don't, because u have to take breaks in between climbs, but it's probably over 200, because you really have to engage your entire body. maybe at higher levels you burn more cals?

[curiokcals]

i can't reply w this @ because it's a side blog but to the one person in my replies, i'll keep u updated no problem

my local climbing gym is opening up again on friday so i'm really hoping that i can get in a ton of good sessions to burn as many cals as i can

[curiokcals]

my local climbing gym is opening up again on friday so i'm really hoping that i can get in a ton of good sessions to burn as many cals as i can