cvreflections

[cvreflections]

Dwelling

How good is God's word. How good is God's love. We are so undeserving but we thank you Lord so much for the chance to have a relationship with you. We thank you for Jesus as without him we would not be able to know You. Lord we pray that you help us to know and read your word in times of trouble. May we continue to dwell with you and in your presence in our lives.

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I need to be reminded

This morning I have just done nothing. Lied in bed. Blinds down. Finished a movie. Ate some noodles for brunch. Slept. I am exhausted and needed to do nothing. Why am I like this? I guess this week has been a really big week and I was super overwhelmed. I needed time to rest and reset and recharge my battery. Emotional, social, mental battery. I am drained. Should I get help? I think I'm managing okay. I'm trying to address my emotions and do things that are challenging. What would Jesus say to me right now?

He would tell me that I'm not alone and that I should find rest in Him. Matthew 5: 28 "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

Here I am Lord the mess that I am before you. Thank you for the physical rest that you provide. For the support and comfort from those who love me. Lord I am reminded of the bigger picture of life. Not in all these little decisions and small changes, but the bigger picture of your ultimate sacrifice for us. This life is yours. This property is yours. This wedding is yours. It is all Yours in which you gifted to us. Lord as all these things pile up, may I constantly be reminded of the bigger picture of life. I should be reminded of Your love, Your calling and Your commission. To serve You and to know You deeply. You call us to be in deep communion with you and with our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Lord may our hearts focus on this. Lord we pray for good Godly community around us who can remind us of this as Miguel and I continue to do life together. We pray and seek for You in amongst it all. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

[cvreflections]

Fried.

Today is Friday. My brain is totally fried. So many things swirling in my head and its just making me feel so exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm trying my best to be present and practice mindfulness but it's just a lot. I do things to make me feel better and they are a good distraction but it's not enough. So here I am, 11.20pm on a Friday night spilling my brains onto a blog post. Here are the things I'm thinking about:

Property: Need to send loan doc to solicitor, need to sign documents for loan, need to send signed documents in mail, need to see strata report from solicitor, need to go to inspection on Tuesday, need to move clients for inspection on Tuesday, worrying about inspection on Tuesday, what if it's not good, what if there are problems and I want to change my mind. I guess I can, but we've just done so much. So worried about the inspection. Okay then need to go to ANZ to open an account. I can't believe I spoke to Bianca and after hearing her, so many thoughts about our loan and about stamp duty. There's no way I'd have her as my broker, it would be way too chaotic (she can barely help her own clients), but she is good and she knows what she's talking about. No, our broker has done a really good job and has been so helpful. So what if our rate is a little higher, he has been so helpful.

Eating + self worth: I'm so exhausted all week and no prepped food in the fridge = binge eating. Eating whatever I like because I can and it's ruining me. I'm so bloated my belly looks like its pregnant. I feel fat and slow and sluggish. What is going on? I need to stop doing this and be more conscious of what I am and how much. I don't feel good but food does make me feel better esp. after such a long week. I need to do better. I want to feel better.

Old friends: Are they even friends? More like acquaintances. I feel so awkward being around them again but I guess it's all in my head. I feel awkward cause I left that group and just being around them makes me feel awks and I just cant. And then N&I's wedding just makes me feel ick and why do I even put myself through that. I feel like they represent what I don't like. Young, immature, follow blindly. Can I make an excuse? Is that so bad?

So many questions, so many thoughts how do I stop thinking about things. Maybe I just need to breathe. slowly. just breathe. I just tried holding my breath for a long time and I imagined that I was sinking. I could feel my lungs and my chest slowly sinking and it was as if I could feel the air in my chest. When i let it all go, those gasps of air were so relaxing.

[cvreflections]

We are going to be alright

Another mammoth day yesterday. 9th of Jan, 2023 was the first day back to work and day that we needed to sign our contract. A day full of phone calls to clients, to solicitors, to agents, to brokers, to each other, to family. It was wild. A few major things from it:

Our borrowing capacity is less than what I had hoped since we did not get our pre-approval earlier and thus were pushed for time to get a loan from the bank. This means that we are borrowing less money and have to use more from our savings. This directly impacts our ability to travel, furnish and wedding and frankly this terrifies me.

Our contract is signed. Another step closer to securing our home

We have now entered the cooling off period and just waiting to see if there is anything that stops us from actually getting it. Let's see what's in the strata report and from when our parents inspect it.

I thank God for putting such good people in our lives. From such professional brokers, solicitors and agents. Our wonderful families who guided us through it and gave us reassurance when we needed it. God is so good. He is so so so good. There is no way we could have done this without all these wonderful people working together for us. We can only thank God for the way he orchestrates the people in our lives.

So much is out of our control. Now just waiting from our broker/solicitor to get back to us with the valuation and strata report. We need to book an inspection with our families. All so so much. Just trusting in God's goodness and provision. Even if things are not okay, that is okay. We hold onto God's promises of provision and protection even if it is in a new place.

We then need to get our finances in check. Actually budget things out, putting limits on when we can go out, eat out. Really prioritise our spending. Now I can see why so many people struggle with tithing, with generosity with their finances.

Lord hear my prayer: Oh Lord you are the provider of all things in life. The good and the bad and the wonderful. We acknowledge that all things are from you. This property, all our finances, our jobs. We thank you for the provision of money and finances these last 26 years and thank you for the very comfortable life that we have lived so far. Lord you have been so good and so faithful to us these years. As we enter a new season, I pray that you help us to be obedient to your calling and tithe when we find the right church. Lord may we give back to you and your kingdom and sow back what is rightfully yours. We ask for your support as we navigate our finances more and we thank you for your constant provision in your lives. Lord we pray for your continual hand over the property situation and support in this next season of our lives. Lord we pray over the verses below. May we dwell and reflect on Your word and it's teachings towards finance. May we be reminded of Your provision and our ultimate goal which is to honour God with our everything. We give you all the glory and honour, in Jesus name, Amen.

1. Whoever loves money never has enough (Ecclesiastes 5:10)

“Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless.”

2. It is God who gives you the ability to produce wealth (Deuteronomy 8:18)

“But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.”

3. You cannot serve God and money (Matthew 6:24)

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”

4. God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:6-8)

“Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed;”

[cvreflections]

My piano comeback, gosh it felt nice to do this

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Day of rest

After a crazy weekend with the whole buying an apartment thing, it was so good to just rest. I had physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and social rest. This is what helped:

A good church with a great sermon (even if online)

Doing something other than lying in bed and watching TV (I can't believe I played the piano again)

Lying in bed and watching TV - modern family is great

Doing household chores slowly

Alone time by the pool

Swimming

Basking and soaking in the sun

Being with family

It was so nice being alone, having time to myself and feeling not rushed with anything. It's been a while since I had felt that I want it more often. The more I rested, the clearer it was in my head that the purchase was a good purchase. I am happy and excited and I am so thankful to God that I am at a place where I am happy with the purchase and even the thought of moving out. Praise God for helping me with my anxieties.The real question is - am I ready to go back to work tomorrow? Maybe.

[cvreflections]

Morning after thoughts

What a whirlwind of a yesterday. Saturday 7th of January, 2023 will go down as one of the most intense days of my life as we navigated the world of real estate. Another step away from the innocence of childhood and further plunged into this adult life. Through it all, I'm so grateful for family and friends for their guidance and encouragement, but most importantly to God who is our ever present guide and rock through it all. I saw something on insta, that was so timely. When I am feeling overwhelmed, I will remember...

I don't have to know the entire path, just the next steps. Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

God's strength will help me through. 2 Corinthians 1:9-10 "Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again."

I may feel overwhelmed but I will not be overcome. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed."

Our God is a loving, caring father who provides just what we need. The resources and people who love and comfort us, money for a home, opportunities to live a comfortable life. As I type, I am overcome by this love of God that holds me and grounds me in the anxieties of life. Oh Lord, our saviour who loves us and provides for us even though we do not deserve it. We turn our back on Him all the time, yet he never waivers in his love for us. Now as I continue to step into this next season of my life, I strive to glorify Him in all, to understand Him more and live the life that would be pleasing to Him.

[cvreflections]

Wow wow wow - did we just buy a home?

I am so bloody exhausted but wanted to quickly dot point the events of today first so I can expand on them later. In no particular order:

Just bought an apartment with Miguel (WTF)

Such a scramble to get finances in order

Why am I (us both) such last minute doers?

Commitment is fucking scary

I was so anxious all day, heart heavy in my chest and feeling like it was near my throat. Having compression helped and getting Migs to sit on me.

Communicating when anxious is hard. I need time, space and someone to help me breathe

Breathing is hard when anxious. I need help

What a huge purchase

How did this happen? I know I have been looking at this property for a while but it all really just happened

Thank you God for your providence. We are both so grateful for just how things fall into place (e.g. tennants in there until May, well within our means, good location)

Still mourning death of that childhood and easy life (e.g. living at home, no mortgage, no worries or troubles).

But want to give all glory to God for how he is moving us forward and opening doors. All in His divine plan for us and just need guidance on how we can best steward this space for his people

Head hurts, need sleep, need rest

Thank you Jesus

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[cvreflections]

Thinking about the year that will be

Today is Wednesday, Jan 4th and I have just gotten back from a family holiday to the South Coast. It was beautiful, relaxing and I had the best time with my family. When I got back and settled in, I had a wake up call conversation with my younger brother, Dyl. He will be leaving to work in Amsterdan for a year. He leaves Jan 24th and it just hit me that our little trip away will probably be the last time that I (and my family) truly spend time with him. Miguel (my fiance) said that he did all that he loves - he swam in the beach, played switch, played board games, fished, cooked, ate and drank. It was truly a great time and I guess I do need to remember that.

It got me thinking about change. 2023 will be a big year for me and my fam. I'm (hopefully) getting married. Lach is expecting, my parents will have no kids at home. We've also moved churches as well so more change and more uncertainty. It's shaping up to be a huge year.

So here's my takeaway and my reflection:

Things change all the time. People go to new jobs, move to new places or are in new relationships. Often change can be good. People move to new homes, they have changes in perspective, changes in personality and changes in appearance. Change is ironically one of the only things that are constant. The world and life is constantly changing. However with this change, it can often come with feelings of nervousness and anxiety, and that once sense of security is taken out from under our feet. 

Through these big emotions, I can hold onto the love of God and the hope of Jesus Christ. He has saved me from the sin and death that I deserve, not by my strength but through His grace for me. His love is constant and does not waiver. He is my rock, my fortress and strength. He is my comfort when I am afraid and is always with me.

Deuteronomy 31:6 says "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

and, Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

I created a space for me to document what is happening in my life, God's goodness throughout it all and a place to process all that is happening. Here's to 2023.