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Digital diary brain dump..again

I can’t hold onto friends, can’t keep a partner. My life isn’t heading anywhere, and I’m aware it’s my fault. Life is a card game, there’s always a winner, there’s always people who were dealt the worst cards. I tried making the most out of the hand I was dealt, but it was exhausting fighting against literally everything stacked on me. So i stopped fighting it. And now I have to accept that my only purpose for still being here is to help others get where they need to be, once I’ve done that I’m not good anymore. If I help enough people I’ll die, my purpose will be finished and I can leave. I’ve tried leaving, but I always hesitate, and I think that’s something telling me I’m not finished. It doesn’t matter how I feel, I have to help others and if I have energy left I’ll use it to keep myself calm another day. I used to wanna scream, not anymore though, i honestly kinda want my voice taken all together. I don’t think I’m supposed to talk, I think I’m just meant to listen because when I do try using my voice it makes people hate me. I honestly wish I could hang myself sometimes, but I can’t, and that’s okay. I think I’m meant to die by getting shot, that seems like how I’ll die.

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Digital diary brain dump

Dating as a non passing trans guy is literally the worst form of torture.

Okay maybe not the WORST but it’s pretty close to the top of the list.

I’m too feminine for gay guys

Trans guys who pass think I’m a trender

Straight guys will just convince themselves I’m a girl and try to push it onto me to ‘change’ me

And the worst part of all?

Falling for a girl who has zero interest in men.

I’ve liked the same girl for two years, but I tried shoving it down when I found out she’s a lesbian. I figured if I ignored it and kept some distance maybe it would go away and I thought it did. But we hung out for the first time recently, and suddenly it all came back.

How we act awkward around each other on purpose, how her hair looks like cotton candy no matter the color though us accidentally matching has definitely been my favorite. How she carries herself out in the world, how her arms are covered with fading scars and the exacto knife on her tv cabinet. The fact that I can see her pain, a pain I’ve known myself, and yet I’ve never seen her show it on her face. She’s very good at hiding it, I wish I was.

Being alone with her made me so nervous for no reason, I hate my feelings for her, it makes me feel awful knowing she will never feel that way and yet I still have feelings for her. I hate the fact that even if I was normal she wouldn’t like me, even if I was a girl she wouldn’t feel the same because I’m ugly as a boy and I’m ugly as a girl. I hate being who I am, I hate who I am.

I used to be okay with being feminine and being trans, it didn’t used to bother me. But now I hate it. I’m getting a haircut soon, I’m nervous for it, I always am. But I trust this salon, it’s lgbtq owned and operated, if anyone can cut my hair short in a way that won’t make me cry it’ll probably be them.

My social anxiety graduated (unlike me) to scopophobia. Every time I have to go shopping it takes every coping skill I’ve learned in therapy just to make it out of the door.

I’m a trans man, who dropped out of school because of intense social anxiety. I hate everything about myself, my life feels like it’s stopped moving forward, im stuck.

But even with everything the way it is, I’m stupid enough to hold onto some hope. I hope I get that damn apprenticeship, I hope I can travel state lines just to go to appointments about my hormone therapy. I hope I can find someone who is fine with who I am, but won’t sexualize me for who I am.

I have hope that I can change, and if I can’t then god damn it I’m switching side, becoming a hot girl to be married to a rich man, and I’ll drown my sinful trans thoughts in red wine while sitting alone in a quiet mansion. Eventually I’ll go insane, maybe I’ll hurt my husband, maybe myself. But for now the plan is to change into the man I know I can be.

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Going to slit my wrists and take pictures of the damage on the camera you bought me<3

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Do not ask me if I have the space in my heart to love you still

For I would cut it out of my own chest while it beats and set it ablaze in front of you

so neither one of us can be disappointed by its contents.

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This is my blogs trigger warning, do not continue if the following may trigger you:

Mention of self harm

Mention of disordered eating

Mention of sexual assault

Mention of suicidal ideation/thoughts

Mention of Religious trauma

Mention of Grooming

Mention of pedophiles

Mention of body dysmorphia

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Please reblog this post if you belong to the whump community.

Let's see how many reblogs this gets!

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New kink unlocked: military kink

*gets idea to have my oc in a role play as a prisoner of war, thought quickly gets dark*

HEY NO DONT GO THERE-

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Jack stauber Cupid be hitting rn

“How can, Cupid, how can you be so cruel?”

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she was just a baby :(