daddysmicrokitten

[daddysmicrokitten]

[daddysmicrokitten]

IM A LITTLE

THERE I SAID IT

I FEEL SOOOO FREEE NOW

I NO LONGER HAVE THE WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS

[daddysmicrokitten]

Humans Are Weird: Eating Competitions

         Zork'ak entered the laboratory at the appropriate cycle, just before the ritual of climbing to the roof. Xe had considered having small steps or indents above the wall or lengthening the ledge of the window to make the climbing easier for the humans. Xe decided the humans would not care for a logic and safe path.

           Wren, Carrie, Adam, and Kai were crowded around one of the isolated benches near the back wall. “Come on! Come on! Ten, nine, eight-” Zork'ak approached the humans as they chanted. Steve, Jessica, Reese, and Kace were shoving crops into their mouth rapidly. “One!”

           "Time’s up!“ Carrie was bouncing up and down on her feet. “Steve wins with twelve!” Zork'ak reached the bench, finding the four humans spitting up food and looking quite uncomfortable. Carrie was grinning at the pain of the others. “Okay, let’s switch.”

           "What is this?“ Wren turned to where Zork'ak had appeared.

           "Oh, it was an eating contest. You have to see who can eat the most in a certain amount of time.”

           "What is it that they were eating?“ Steve was coughing furiously, and Jessica was bent over a bucket. Kace was leaning forward, hands on his knees, seeming to be out of breath. Reese was drinking water quite rapidly.

           "Oh, we had crackers from our trip over. They are really salty and dries your mouth out. Now, it’s our turn.”    

           Steve and Jessica recovered first, coming back to bench. There were small shapes on the counter, mostly reds. “Damn right it is.”

           "What are you all competing for?“

           Carrie smiled, seemingly too excited. "Bragging rights.”

           "Brag-what?“

           "Oh,” Adam stepped around Carrie. “It means you have the right to say you win, and it makes you superior to others in the group in this activity.” Zork'ak began opening xer mouth. “We compete just to win with no other purpose. It’s just what we do.” Zork'ak exhaled air with a small smile at Adam’s ability to anticipate xer question.

           "Zor?“ He looked to where Wren stood. "Did you just laugh?”

           Zork'ak thought for a moment. “Is that with this exhalation was?”

           She nodded, laughing. “Zor, you’re learning how to be human.”

           "Hey.“ Carrie nudged "Do this with us. Try being human, compete with no purpose.”

           "I will.“ Zork'ak stepped towards the bench without even thinking first. Xe was not sure what this feeling was. It might be this ‘liking’ that the humans talked about. Xe needed to ask Adam later.

           "Okay.” Carrie looked to either side of here. “The goal is obviously to see who eats the hottest pepper. I worked really hard on growing these. For it to even count, you must chew it, swallow it, and keep it down for a minute. Water is available after you give up.”

           "Alright. Get ready.“ Steve was looking up and down the line. "Hey, Zor, when I say go, eat the green one.” Xe nodded. Xe was not sure what this ‘hot’ meant, but xe was about to learn. “Okay. Aaaaand Go!”

           All five of them popped the pepper in their mouth chewing and swallowing. Zork'ak exclaimed, sounding as if xe had been physically injured. The 'pepper’ creating a burning sensation across xer tongue and down xer throat. This was much like the burning of that lemon from the previous taste testing but with a different flavor. This was very much what it felt like when fighting a Brak'yr, their acid quite deadly.

           "That’s sixty seconds. The next one.“ Steve pointed to a pepper in front of Zork'ak, and xe ate it. This was much worse. Xe was concerned that the pepper would erode away xer internal organs. Maybe the humans were trying to kill xem. Steve pointed to another pepper, and xe ate it. The pain was intense. Xe tried to open xer mouth wider, breathing in more air. It did not help. There were four more peppers, and Zork'ak was determined to complete this challenge, even without necessary results.

           At pepper number five, Kai stepped away, coughing and, what Zork'ak believed to be vomiting, into a bin. Pepper number six had Adam and Wren swallowing enormous amounts of water. Zork'ak was unsure why xe kept eating. The pain intensified each time, but not by much. The first layer created a blanket and the rest of the heat was not as intense. Carrie looked at them, smiling as she popped the last pepper in xer mouth. Zork'ak reached forward, biting into it. Xe immediately spit it out, leaning over a bin, too. Kace handed Zork'ak watet, and xe drank through three servings.

           Carrie was laughing. "I win.”

           The other four glared at her, Wren and Adam on the floor breathing deeply.

           "This was very unpleasant,“ Zork'ak gasped. "Why compete for no purpose if it is also unpleasant?”

           Carrie smiled down at xem. “Because we like to prove how good and strong we are.”

           "You clearly are a superior race,“ xe took a loud gasp, "at useless rituals.” Everyone but Kai laughed loudly.

           "Damn, Zor,“ Steve said on the other side of the bench. "Did you just throw shade?”

           Zork'ak opened xer mouth to ask, but xe did not speak. Xe were too focused on this intense feeling eating at xer mouth. Xe felt the need to leave, no longer interested in human behavior. Xer determined they were a useless race, conflicting pain for no reason. This conclusion only lasted until the time to climb to the roof, when the burning started to subside.

submitted by: @nonbinarygaymergirl

[daddysmicrokitten]

[START RECORDING]

“Human? What’s a Human?”

“Not what, who. He’s the most feared bounty hunter in the system.”

“What makes him so special? Cybernetics? Psyonics? Whatever it is, we’ve beaten it before.”

“That’s just it, there is no trick. Nothing. Plain Vanilla biology and no weapons beyond chemically propelled kinetics and edged tools.”

“You’re kidding, right? Then why is he such a big deal?”

“He’s a big deal because he does the job without anything like that. He can track you down and kill you without any net-dives or mind scans, and there’s nothing we’ve got that can shut him down. He’s not cybernetic so we can’t EM him, and he’s got no psychic presence so we can’t psybomb him. There’s almost no way to track him down or get away once he’s found you.”

“Can’t we just kill him?”

“Good luck. First you’ve got to find him, and they say he can disguise himself as anything.”

“Like what, posing as that vending machine?”

“No, I’m posing as the drinking fountain.”

[END RECORDING]

[daddysmicrokitten]

Secret Recipes To Try At Home

[daddysmicrokitten]

Unmute !

[daddysmicrokitten]

I am amused

So I've bern reading humans are wierd/space orcs, now everytime something goes wrong i stare at the person or people ans say those fucking humans. I have confused the hell out of my boss friends family and colleagues. Reaching new hights

[daddysmicrokitten]

Humans are space orcs

Alien v.s. A little person

Alien working on something as a little human approaches.

Alien notices the little human and thinks its a child.

Alien: small child are you lost? Where are your parental units?

Commander in uniform looks around for the small child the alien is talking too.

Alien stops working and stares down at the confused human. The human then looks up at him and gives them the finger.

Commander: I'm a fully grown adult and here's your fucking orders asshole.

Alien stares at the little human in shock and confusion.

Alien: you can't be fully grown you barely reach my first knee. Where are your parental units little one.

The commander starts to get very aggravated. As the alien takes a knee in front of him.

Alien: you are distressed little one come with me, we will find your parental units.

Commander: Are you being ignorant or are you just stupid?

Alien flabbergasted watches as the little human proceeds to leave his presence.

Alien: wait this ship is to big for you to go alone I will accompany you.

Commander mutters under breath: Ignorant alien ass mother fucker.

Just as the little person reaches the door another human comes in and greets the little human.

Human Steve: Oh hello commander reign how are you today?

The humans talk for awhile, as the little commander leaves the other human approaches the alien.

Human Steve: Good you met the new commander. How did your meeting go?

Alien: That was the new commander? That commander was no more than a child.

Alien starts to get very unnerved.

Human Steve: No that wasn't, we have humans that have a prognosis called dwarfism. It's a gene that affect some of our population and keeps them from growing like myself and others.

Alien stares at human and rushes away to speak to the captain about updating the files on human genealogy and the differences between human offspring and little people.

Alien sees the commander, and aproaches him.

Alien: Sir I humbly apologize for mistaking you as one of the human young.

Commander just stares at him turning around and walking away the commander lifts his little hand and gives the alien the bird all the way down the hallway and out of sight.

The alien looks at another alien in the hall with him.

Alien: We really just need a manual on humans that explain everything. Another situation like this happens to me im saying Fuck this shit im out.

The other alien nods its head in a sympathetical agreement.

[daddysmicrokitten]

Paul Mccartney in pirates of the caribbean

[daddysmicrokitten]

Humans are space orcs

So I was reading and I had a slight realization humans as a race will fuck with anything. We love to pull pranks, and literally pull a Fuck da rules YOLO. However what about the really Pervy humans. You know someone like this, everything revolves around sex or some form

Alien: Human Steve what are you doing

Human Steve: setting up this life like sex doll for the party.

Alien: I do not understand as to why you would do such a thing

Human: cause as you see she is almost life like. There are going to be many drunk or high humans during said party. Im going to see how people react to her. Mostly I'm going to watch the hilarity that will happen.

Alien: Human steve you're mentally screwing with people, and I hope you recieve your come upins

Alright thats all i got please carry this on

[daddysmicrokitten]

I can honestly say even though we are weird little orcs we are pretty awesome

On the months my research team and I were allowed to live on Earth and observe their habitat I noted the following about human young:

- human young will turn anything into a weapon to mock battle their peers, broom sticks, straws, even their food

- when in large groups human young will display games of mock hunts against each other. The two most common being “tag” where one young will try to catch the other young acting as prey, and “mob” where all of the young will try to catch a single young who acts as the prey. This suggests an instinctive ability for both pack and solo hunting

- human young will often hone their stalking and hunting skills by hiding or attempting to sneak up on others and pouncing with loud sounds meant to intimidate and frighten. This is considered amusing for the attacker and victim  

- adult humans will often mock attack their young with their hands or objects to train the young to protect their vital areas and avoid injury. The young find this amusing and will quickly learn to train each other in this manner

- young humans will often attack and attach themselves to an older human’s legs, arms, or back, hanging on despite being dragged or carried while the adult human walks away. Both humans seems to find the experience entertaining 

- young humans are extremely territorial and will attempt to drive off others from food, toys, and areas they have claimed as theirs with physical and verbal attacks. Fortunately, most adult humans actively try to train this behavior out, insisting the young come to an agreement or share resources and territory. 

- young humans constantly search for new territory, dens, and resources. They will climb trees, shelving, anything they can reach. They will climb under and behind things. If there are no suitable hiding areas they will construct them out of blankets and cushions or any other available item. 

- young humans display a strong pack instinct, quickly forming social groups and defending their group against other groups. Often they will split their own group in order to mock battle each other in contests

- HUMAN YOUNG WILL BITE IF DISTRESSED OR ANGRY AND EMIT LOUD NOISES THAT CALL MATURE HUMANS TO AID THEM

- human young will beg for domesticated carnivores as companions, and if gifted with one will pack bond with it to an extreme point.

- human young will carry a toy and try to protect and nurture it as if the toy was their own young

- human young require constant stimulation in the form of games or information. They will constantly question things and can spend extraordinary amounts of time asking “why”, often while poking the subject in question

- human young will try to eat anything at least once. Anything. If it will fit into their mouth they will attempt to eat it. If it will not fit into their mouth they will lick it. 

-human young will voluntarily deprive themselves of oxygen to the point of unconsciousness in an attempt to trigger protective instincts in older humans so they get their way

- human young display great interest in mimicry, often dressing up as different professions, species, and objects. They also display great skill in mimicking the calls and body language of other species.        *Example: one human young had me quite concerned there was another Treawalbil in distress and I searched for quite some time before I discovered that the young was mimicking a Treawalbil distress trill with complete accuracy.       *Second Example: Human young have begun to wear wear “hats” with artificial crests similar to a Treawalbil and some have begun painting colorful patterns to their arms in imitation of our camouflage. 

- human young communicate constantly and spread information quickly not only among their own social group but other social groups as well.     *Example: The human young who mimicked a Treawalbil distress trill taught their social group and soon I was surrounded by human young calling out in distress. This caused the Treawalbil researchers much anxiety so the adult humans suggested teaching the young other calls. The human young learned enough for basic communication at an astonishing rate, but then other social groups we had not taught began using the same calls as well. Even adult humans began using the calls to communicate with us without translators. 

- Young humans will gift beings and creatures they believe to be in their social group with handmade objects, interesting specimens they have collected, or food. Strangely enough, a being does not have to be human in order to belong to a human’s social group. 

[daddysmicrokitten]

Continued

Human: no no no sir jaggernauts are our children. The adults are much worse. Also Sir with all do respect Blow me.

Alien: Anatomically Unable and never would. Like I just said before hand Fuck this shit I'm out

Alien: You’re telling me that in times of great distress humans have been known to suddenly gain the strength necessary to lift objects more than a dozen times their own weight?!

Human: Yeah, it’s called “hysterical strength” and it usually happens in life-or-death situations, like when someone gets stuck under a car or something and someone lifts the car to get them out. We can’t really test it though, ‘cause it only happens spontaneously.

Alien: Humans have the ability to tap into untold strength and power and you don’t even know how you do it?

Human: Pretty much, yeah. We think it has something to do with temporary analgesia, so we just don’t feel the pain we should when we pick up a 3000-pound car.

Alien: YOUR PAIN RESPONSE JUST SHUTS OFF?

Human: Yeah, it’s like an adrenaline thing? Do you not have that?

Alien: Fuck you and your entire species of tiny juggernauts.

[daddysmicrokitten]

Humans are wird. Trusting aliens with children.

The kazan elite warriors were formidable fighters. They were feared throughout the universe. Born and breed to fight the warrior markings distinguished a kazan warrior hatchling from the rest of the kazan.

The young would be taken to speciel compounds and learn the warrior way.

They had no familie and their loyalty lay with their brothers in arm. When the alliance had trouble the kazan were send in to solve it.

The rest of the universe were in equal parts afraid of and grateful for the kazan.

When news of the human soldiers reached the kazan they laughed at the thought of the small and vulnerable humans fighting. But they soon learned that although humans physically was no match for a kazan, they made up for it in body armor and sheer determination.

When the drazan attacked the alliance, the kazan launched into battle. A small group of kazan was cut of by the drazan and even though they fought tooth and nail to make it back, they were losing to the overwhelming horde of drazan. That was when a human ship suddenly unloaded a small elite force.

Now the univerce learned that by them selves the kazan and the humans were a force to to be reckoned with. Side by side they were virtually unstoppable.

Inch by inch they drew back the drazan and many friendships were formed on the battlefields.

Ashern had been among those, who had laughed at the humans. But when his unit was put together with a human unit, he quickly changed his tune. He made friends with one of the humans Mikkel. So deep was the friendship that when the rest of Mikkels unit died in battle, he formally asked to be transferred to the kazan unit.

Ashern was surprised to learn that Mikkel had a family. A wife and a small son back home. He often spoke of them as well as of his younger brother Mads who was a healer.

He showed Ashern pictures of them and asked him to come with him to visit them when they were on leave. They were planning the visit when Mikkels wife suddenly died in an accident

Mikkel asked to be sendt home to take care of his son. The kazan warriors had no family of their own, but they valued children above all so the request was granted.

That night they were ambushed and in the fight a kazan was wounded. Mikkel tried dragging him to safety but in wain. He was hit several times and all though Ashern fought like he was possessed to get to his friend, Mikkel soon bled out on the cold ground.

Now Ashern blacked out and singlehandedly he drew back the enemy not realising just how heavily he himself was wounded.

Not until his unit was safe did the great kazan warriors body give out and let him fall into unconsciousness.

When he came to he was in a human field hospital and a younger slimmer version of Mikkel was sitting besides his bed.

Ashern was speechless when the young man told him that Mikkel had made the two of them co guardians of his small son.

He tried to tell Mads that kazan warriors were not fit to have families and that he had failed to save Mikkel.

But Mads simply said “You nearly got killed trying to save Mikkel and when you couldn’t you made damm sure you at least could save the rest of your unit. Now you tell me that you can’t take care of one little human kid? Mikkel trusted you and I to take care of his boy and by God we will do so!”

The young man looked Ashern straight into the eyes and said “That little boy has heard nothing but praise about you from his father. He worships you and thinks of you as his uncle. If you let him down I will kill you myself so help me God”

Ashern was impressed. He was wounded but still able to fight and the small human was standing far to close to get away from him and yet he still threaded the kazan because his nephews future was on the line.

The next day Ashern met the small human boy and over the next month they learned all about each other.

When the humans had to go back to start work and school again, Ashern was still not fully recovered. So he had to stay behind.

Mikkels sons lips trembled when they said good bye and he handed Ashern his favourite teddy bear. “You can borrow sir Arthur” he said. “So you won’t be lonely until we seen you again”

Ashern almost said no. He almost explained, that the kazan do not need teddy bears. They are fearsome and strong. But then he looked into the boys eyes and saw the tears he was fighting and gracefully accepted the toy.

3 months later Ashern was finally at the spacecenter waiting for his human family.

He was standing all alone, the other races avoiding getting to close to one of the most feared creatures in the known univers.

All of a sudden a high pitch scream tore thru the port and a small human missile launched into Ashern with great force. Tiny arms were trown around his neck and the little boy cried out in joy “You came uncle Ashern, you came! I missed you so much! Did you like my letters???”

When Ashern joined his kazan unit as commanding officer all the new warriors were in awe of him. He saved his unit despite being heavily wounded and made it back from deaths door.

But to Ashern his biggest achievement was not battles. It was being the first kazan warrior to have a family. He lead to way for many others.

They started to adopt orphans because kazan might be feared but they value children above all and now they knew that they too could be parents.

[daddysmicrokitten]

Somewhere in space in the hospital wing of a ship.

Alien - “Human Steve! I have excellent news! We found your severed upper appendage in good enough condition that we think it can be reattached - “

Human - “What?”

Alien - “Uh … Your arm? We found it and instead of the mechanical prosthetic we think - “

Human - “Wait, that friggin mutant snake thing didn’t eat it?”

Alien - “Oh, no, no, no! It would seem that it did not like the taste as humans are not a part of it’s natural or native diet, as you can imagine. For that matter the ‘snake thing’ was a fairly standard specimen for this planet - “

Human - “You mean to tell me that fucker ripped my arm off and didn’t even have the decency to eat it! Just dumped it somewhere to waste? Offended. I am. Offended.

Human’s equally human friend standing next to him staring at a tablet - “Rude. Just rude.”

Alien - “…”

Alien - “…”

Alien - “So … do you want the arm reattached or not.”

I was watching a shark attack documentary the other day, in which said shark took off a man’s arm and later the arm washed up on the beach. All the man had to say about it was, “Took my arm the least the shark could have done was get a meal out of it instead of letting it go to waste.” 

[daddysmicrokitten]

Damn it human steve what have u been told about insulting the jabbwops

[daddysmicrokitten]

This is what happens if you leave ur humans unsupervised

[daddysmicrokitten]