daisyamaryllis

[daisyamaryllis]

Life at the Shelter:

Living at the shelter was not bad. I didn't mind the chaos that can happen with many people in a small space and they didn't complain about a newborn crying at all hours. Audie was one of those babies that mixed up nights and days. She kept me up all night for 6 months straight before I could get her sleeping at night, all night. Other than that she was a sweet baby. She grew too fast. Once she was sleeping through the night I started really focusing on myself and what I wanted to do with myself.

I knew I could fix stuff, knew I could budget very well, and knew I wanted to help the ladies who had helped me and Audie. I also knew I wanted to help anyone that wanted out. Everyday I was away from Simon and around these ladies, the stronger I became. We had weekly self defense classes, I loved those, and weekly therapy sessions. We encouraged each other, loved each other, and protected each other. It was the family I'd never had but always wanted.

One day, I went into Monica's office and she was crying. I asked what was wrong and she told me she had to close the shelter if she couldn't get a budget together and more money coming in. I asked to look over the budget books and spent the next three hours adjusting and moving stuff around so we'd be alright. Monica said I had a natural knack and from that day on I handled the budget and fund raising.

It felt amazing to have a purpose. I took some community college classes in business and read up on laws concerning domestic abuse. I wanted to know all I could. Simon's trial was coming up and I wanted to make sure I wasn't caught unawares again.

Finally, it was the day of his trial. Took a year practically to get to it. Frustration was a constant for me during this time period. The trial is for another time though. Its draining to discuss. So...

<<<TBC>>><<<TBC>>>

[daisyamaryllis]

New Start:

*Looking through the newspaper I quickly realized I had very little to survive on. I had a new baby, no job, doctors orders to take it easy for another 6 weeks, and an ex who had made bail until trial. I was alone and terrified for myself and my little girl. Where could we go to be safe and where I could heal and look for work? I was overwhelmed, emotional from not only childbirth but the hell I just escaped, plus knowing he was out there free...for now.

I spent days crying, my anxiety beyond normal levels. My sweet girl didn't know what a mess her mama was though, I made sure I didn't cry in front of her. For her, I was smiles, coos, and songs. A day before I was to be discharged a woman came in from social services. Immediately I thought she was going to take my girl but that wasnt so.

She had come to help, to save my life. Her name was Alayna and she told me about A woman's shelter that was ready and waiting to take my girl and I in. So, the next day when I was wheeled to the hospital entrance, my girl in my arms, a van sat waiting for us. A lady named Monica came and helped me in. She had a carseat ready for Audra and put her lovingly in the van. Our new home was a three story brownstone.

It was pretty and unassuming. It was bright inside and had 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a kitchen, and living room. It was modernized enough to be current but kept the beauty of the brownstone style. In the living room sat 6 people, 5 ladies and one small boy.*

"These are your housemates. You are safe and loved here. Here we are family, even if temporary." *Monica said to me* *One by one the ladies introduced themselves, sharing how long they'd stayed in their situations, how long they'd been out of it, and how they were doing now. There was Jean, Alice, Anne, Jill and her 4 year old Zak, and Sally. I then shared my answers while snuggling Audie close* I'm Averille, was with him for 5 years, been out a week, and this is Audra...Audie. Thank you for welcoming us.

What I didn't realize was how much these ladies would change my world for the better.

<<<TBC>>>

[daisyamaryllis]

Start Over:

⚠⚠Possible Trigger Warning⚠⚠

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*They say your life flashes before your eyes when you're near death. All I know is that I died once on the operating table, and nearly a second time, by my own hand, when I was told they had to take my uterus.*

*There was no white light, no family standing at the ready, just red flashes of anger and pain with a dash of black flitting through teasing my senses into believing it was over. The soft cries of a kitten woke me up from the black hole I'd come to enjoy.*

*I blinked in the harsh light as my eyes opened looking for the crying kitten. Why in heavens name was there a kitten in the hospital?* Hey nurse, there's a kitten in here needing help. *I looked around, sitting up slowly, to get a better view and that's when I saw her.**A pink bundle in a clear bassinet was wiggling about making kitten cries.* Not a kitten, my baby girl! *I whisper as I gingerly reach for the pink bundle*

*I cradle the bundle close and open the blanket, peering down at the beautiful face that was staring at me. I touched my finger tenderly to her cheek, feeling the softness of her flawless skin. I counted fingers and toes before wrapping her back up in the blanket.*

Hello my sweet girl. My warrior, welcome to my arms. We are in this together and I promise that you will never know fear again. The police took that bad man away and I won't let him near us again. He will be a fly in ointment, stuck and never buzzing near us again. I know I've been out of it until now but I'm here now and I go nowhere without you. I promise!

+You have a name for her yet?+ *I jump a little as the nurse speaks from the doorway* Yes, her name is Audra Hope Marren. *I look down at my sweet girl* You are a girl of noble strength and hope. My little Audie...I love you.

*the nurse clears her throat before asking me to put my girl down so she can do vitals on us both.* +You are both healing well. The doctor says if this keeps up you'll be out in a week.+

So, that leaves me a week to find us a new home little one. Lets get started. *I grab a newspaper sitting on my food tray and start looking at possibilities.*

<<<TBC>>>

[daisyamaryllis]

My story- Part 2:

Simon used and abused me in ways I will never discuss openly. The next year, I ran three times. Twice he dragged me back with force, once I believed his pretty words. Over and over this went, for 5 years. Silence is golden...but only for the abusers. They expect and get our silence. They get our loyalty. They take our identity. They take our freedom. They take our self worth. They take our love and stomp it. 

Eventually, we die or we escape. There is no real middle ground. The eighth time I had saved money by secretly repairing arcade machines. I had a bigger reason to do so, I was pregnant. I knew pretty early on but hid it til he couldn't force an abortion. I made plans, called Chris and had her ready to help. I hadn't said anything to her until then and she was my star. Too bad she was too far away right then. I didn't anticipate his reaction to my pregnancy fully. He beat me within an inch of my life. 

But my little warrior survived. Nothing was gonna stop her from coming to me and bringing light with her! When I came home he ignored me, for a couple days. Then the names started again. I minded myself, kept him happy for months. Then when I was eight months pregnant I pulled my hidden bag out and started to leave. He came home early. Shit! didn't even cover what was going through my head. He warned me I'd be dead if I tried running again and I had no doubt he meant it. I ran for me and my daughter. 

He caught me. Dragged me home by my hair and began to beat me. This time, though, I fought back and fought hard. I got away. Then, I heard the shot and felt heat tear through me. I turned to look back and felt another bit of heat hit me in the belly. My baby girl was all I could think of as I collapsed. Next time I was fully awake, I had a beautiful daughter. She had narrowly escaped the full hit of the bullet. She bears a scar on her thigh though. My uterus didn't fair as well. I'll never have another child. He took that from me. But he will never take another piece of me...EVER! I was free, my daughter was free, we were on the road to safety. 

 <<<TBC>>>

[daisyamaryllis]

My story- The Start:

⚠⚠TRIGGER WARNING...⚠⚠

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They say a woman leaves an average of 7 times before finally never going back to an abusive relationship. It took me 8. I'm Averille Marren and I'm a survivor. I wasn't always Averille Marren though. I was born Averille Louise Barry. Blasted ugly name but that's neither here nor there. When I was 3 my parents were killed in a plane crash. I was staying with a family friend and they had no desire to keep me so before I knew what was really happening I was in the system.

My first home kept me until I was 12. They were nice enough but very patriarchal. Men (father and 2 sons) ruled, women kept the home and obeyed. If not then there were punishments. I remember being 4 and Ma'am didn't have dinner on the table on time. Mister made her redo everything! He scolded her, then scolded me for not helping Ma'am. She remade dinner for him and their 2 sons. I had to stand in the corner while they ate then had to do the dishes, by hand. I then had to write Bible verses about obeying men until bed.

A few weeks later the parents caught us and that's when I went to my second home. They would not allow a nobody teasing their son. Because as we all know, a 12 year old is a brilliant sexual tease (insert eye roll). My second home was unpleasant to put it mildly.

One bright spot was Chris. She was their bio daughter but knew things weren't right. She was just biding time til she could move out. We became true sisters and are to this day. When I was 14 they had me get a job to support them because they weren't getting enough from the state and I should show my appreciation. So, I worked at various jobs often missing school to do so. The people didn't care if I was educated, just that I gave them money. They burned through it gambling, drinking, buying crap. When I was 15 I started at the arcade. I enjoyed that and Chris worked there too. When I was 16, she was 18 and moved out. She promised she'd be there for me but had to escape. Didn't blame her, I'd have done the same.

When I was 18 I met a man named Simon while at the arcade. He was gorgeous and funny and made me feel important. I fell hard and fast. He moved me into his apartment 3 weeks after we met. I thought it was true love, that I'd finally found a home. Boy was I way off. Six months into our relationship he had me quit my job. He just felt I needed a rest, that focusing on the home was more important then being treated like shit at a dead end job. It made sense and, he loved me. He only wanted the best for me. Time slowly revealed the truth.

By the end of that first year it was clear that he was in charge and I was not the love of his life, as previously thought. Started small, always does I learned. I didn't have dinner right on time so I was a bitch. The house wasn't clean enough so I deserved the hour long rant about my worthlessness. I deserved to be smacked and berated. I'd disappointed him. I never wanted that, I loved him. I was wrong, just needed to try harder and he'd be happy and keep loving me.

Fifteen months into the relationship I really fucked up. He'd asked me to run him a bath. I felt he needed to relax so I added some lavender bath salts. By the time he was done teaching me how to run a man's bath properly I had 3 broken ribs, a black eye, a split lip, a cracked skull, and a 3 week hospital stay. Doctors were told I'd been in a car accident. I'm sure they knew better but did nothing, neither did I. The day I got home from the hospital he had me on my knees scrubbing the floor of the entire apartment. I had to earn his forgiveness. I had been gone for three weeks and let our home go to shit after all. This began the routine...I messed up, he berated and beat me.

The second year, I tried leaving twice. The first time I came back after sweet words. The second time was after another hospital stay. He didn't come to pick me up so I took a chance and ran. But I had no money, no way to get or stay anywhere. I slept on the streets for a week before going back.

<<<TBC>>>

[daisyamaryllis]

Flower Code:

When I was living and working at my origin center (what I call the women's shelter I called home for a while) I saw how hard it was for the ladies to not be able to communicate with loved ones. They knew they couldn't directly contact or their exes would find them. I saw 2 ladies return to their abusers simply to have that familial contact. So, the manager at that center gave me the ok to implement a code system for communication. I studied several styles and decided on a unique one that is not well known.

It consists of using flowers to give out short messages. It didn't take me long to develop the meanings. I kept it simple as several girls didn't have much education behind them. I will, eventually, make it even more detailed. Then it took a couple months of using various unknown people, phone calls, and traveling to families to set this up so they'd know the code when they received the message cards. Now, its become a great source for us survivors to keep that connection alive and feel less alone in this struggle. I share it now, so that if you know one who struggles, you can pass it on.