dalokey

[dalokey]

[dalokey]

how guilty can staying in your comfort zone make you feel?

a tale of relapse, avoidance, and helplessness. i know nobody will see or read this, but i want to post just in case anyone does find this and feels seen.

i'm a singer and actor, i do theater camp every year and i'm in my school's theater program. i love doing it, but the stress that the process of creating a show causes me is detrimental to my mental health. i isolate myself from people, i recluse into a self-hating misery machine.

i didn't want to, but i was put into theater camp by my parents, Into The Woods is the show, which i've done once before. i wanted to do a creative workshop that all my friends were doing, but my parents didnt listen. I auditioned and got my first ever lead role, the baker's wife. I don't see myself as this character at all, but she's a very traditional role and interesting. i love a challenge with a character, but i usually need to bounce ideas/worries off of someone else. remember how i said that i stop interacting with my friends during these high-stress shows? i went to camp and masked the whole time, all my stress, worries, issues, and quirks were being masked so i could be likeable. every time i would go home, i would dread learning lines, avoid listening to the musical, and cry for hours at the thought of failure.

i talked to my therapist about this, and he said it was a good opportunity for me to get experience. this didnt help at all, i dont want to hear that my constant dread and spiral into manic depression is a good thing, but i see where he got the idea from.

it's currently 3 or 4 days before the show and i took 2 days off of camp because i truly couldnt handle the pressure. i havent been able to learn lines because i would quickly talk myself down and worry for hours. during the thursday and friday i took off, i sat in my room, miserable. during the weekend, i went batshit crazy worrying about the show, and relapsed in self harm and had panic attacks back to back. ive been having a consistent anxiety attack, which is usual every time i do a show because i have severe anxiety. its monday, i cant go to camp. i dont know all of my lines and i've doomed myself to failure. i blame myself for not reaching out because i'm terrified of judgment and inadequate help, i blame myself for going with the role, i blame myself for most everything. i dont know how to learn lines adequately because i've never had a role this large, the most lines i've ever had in a show is 23, in this show i have 181 lines, 2 solo songs, 3 duets, and so so many more things that i'm so stressed about.

i'm so glad there's double casting in this company. my counterpart will most likely be taking over for me. I am not taking everyone else down with me, but i am at the same time. this is all my fault and it's been so difficult to resist suicide.

I am the asshole, but i dont mean to be.

sorry for dumping my dirty laundry everywhere, i havent been able to tell anyone so i'm posting it lol

"I'm just a full tank away from freedom"

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this is the most youtube allows me to post from the interview:

(this is the AIM interview)

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BANDOM MEMES FOREVER. i cant stop making these.. help... dont mind how there are two different brendon urie lip ones... i had two different ideas and acted on both because thats what i do... i also put these in rainbow order for some reason so thats cool! REQUEST SPECIFIC THINGS IN COMMENTS!! ID LOVE TO MAKE YOUR REQUEST!

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things never change T_T

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i yearn for gabe saporta/william beckett porn but theres literally none on the internet... all i can do is read fanfic about them... why do no artists draw my favorite rpf men... i am sobbingh

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if i ever win the lottery… there will be signs

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decaydance was just a pimp operation where pete pimped all these dudes out to eachother

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this is so fucking sick oh my fuck

earlier in the year i hosted an album cover theme party in uni and i decided to do my favourite panic! album Pretty. Odd. !! but i wanted to be creative and create my own costume for it! if anyone actually sees this and wants to know how i did it then ill absolutely share the process. anyway stream Folkin’ Around by Panic! at the disco <3

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i feel like vic fuentes has a placemat with names of emo bands and alternative musicians on it and closes his eyes and plops his dick somewhere random and does a collab song with the person his tip touches

this could also go for a bunch of other emo musicians too (anthony green I'm looking at you)

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this made my day eek

cant believe this video is now like 10 years old

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oh yeah you’d love that wouldn’t you you little freak

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more bandom memes!! pete wentz and one gerard way edition!! i absolutely love making these please send in reccomendations for pictures or captions or whatnot

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i LOVE that dan's like "no we're not looking for hookups we're looking for who to marry!!!" and phil's just like "i wanna fuck all the hangers"

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i would only get high with them to repeat "nightmare nightmare nightmare" and make them think they're going insane

nightmare blunt rotation

[dalokey]

2005-2009 decaydance was rlly just pete wentz's gay polycule....i knwo what you are.