danieljohn7341

[danieljohn7341]

Christmas 2023

I typed my gmail password into the computer and it was much easier to remember than it is when I type it into a phone or another device. I want this coming year to be a 2024 of new, refreshed patterns. I want to paint 12 meaningful, valuable, sellable paintings. Amen! (Free Palestine, Slava Ukraini)

[danieljohn7341]

It’s 12:20am, and I set my daughter’s alarm for 8:00am. I guess that means I’d better get to sleep too before too long. The 3-year-old’s first night in her big girl bed was October 30th. With number two due in July, we’ll need out quality sleep now! Green light and the alarm mean she can play with her toys. Red light means it’s time to lay down and go to sleep. Slow to fall asleep, she wanted to be shown the yellow light too. What’s the yellow light, daddy? The yellow light means daddy loves you.

Now go to sleep! She did...after we rehearsed how the yellow light also means...rubbing our noses together and kisses. Now sleep! #fatherhood #redlight greenlight #yellowlight

[danieljohn7341]

6/12/2021 - Thought of the day : “When a child with a growing understanding needs correction, go up alongside and near the child, avoid yelling out in reprimand.”

[danieljohn7341]

Timeslide and a Baby Coming!

Six months ago, as Daniel John Matuch, I was legally a single man. Now, my wife Maria Joy is pregnant and Peace is our family name. Those two sentences tell of a marked shift in my current existence.

Two and three fourths years ago, my mood related symptoms began. The first two months, this was an undiagnosed, grey part of my life. This new reality made me feel somehow like a radically different person.

When I was first hospitalized in January of 2017, I was abruptly shook. People rushed to come, even Maria visited twice during my hospital stay. From such a fragile position, I fell in love with her over a jigsaw puzzle.

For three months, I kept this new found love a secret, not telling anyone. In April, I asked my pastor if he would bless my pursuit of a relationship. Even though I felt my health was stable, he advised me to wait some time.

I internalized his advice that to marry, one must be able to carry the other. And to carry a person, I knew I should be capable of carrying myself. Mom says, when I was two years old, I reassured her God would carry her.

Sarah Peace organized a party for herself the day of my birthday, 2017. I was glad we celebrated her and that the attention was not on me. That night, I reached out to Christy who helped me overcome an episode.

Episode became a common word to describe my neurological collapses. These happen even though I follow doctors’ best medical advice. Fight, flight, freeze. First my limbs. Then I collapse. Sometimes paranoia.

And when I think I could be strong, random arrests would surprise me. January 2018 was my utter low, my second in-patient hospital stay. Maria and I had been together since August, but then we chose to separate.

As much as I could truly say that I didn’t need a relationship to sustain me, My body had various needs, some remaining largely unknown to me. A relationship was one thing, maintaining optimism is altogether different.

Maria and I sped things along after we reconciled and reinitiated in March. In an about face, she was eager to get married and I had to respond. We enjoyed being together and moved steadily toward a July engagement.

My health was stable for a while and I even stopped seeing a psychiatrist. In September, when another crash happened, I had to find a new physician. No professional could tell me what precisely was causing these episodes.

To this day really my condition remains undiagnosed, or over-diagnosed. Everyone and their mother has an opinion about how I should manage it. By my own wisdom, I have followed every bit of advice, almost to a fault.

After September, I tried to compose myself as our wedding approached. Maria and I faced one last crisis moment around the holiday time. Thanksgiving and Christmas can often be surprisingly turbulent occasions.

Maria matured so much and willingly questioned if marriage was realistic. My resolve only grew stronger and endeavored to live out words of truth. I had done so much prayerful planning and now I had to learn how to trust.

Weddings can be fun, ours was an absolute blast with so many supporters. Our west coast honeymoon was memorable, not a thing we would change. We invited so many to our wedding, and still worry about those we missed.

You could say we had a honeymoon baby, a love child, and planned it! Maria and I eagerly entrusted a possible conception into God’s hands. We wasted no time having her cousin Sarah administer the pregnancy test.

Less than three weeks married, we had to take on new roles on top of that! We were not only husband and wife, but also father and mother. Thinking that thought breaks down my mind’s paradigms to this very day.

I’m also now a brother-in-law and one could say I have four parents, too. Friends became sisters, role-models are something more, a family so big. I’m blessed to be a part of it all and true depth of closeness will take time.

Maria is also welcome in all my circles, after all we’ve become one flesh. She’s fallen in love with many of my family members and is learning More and more every day that our stories zig and zag in waves of wonder.

She and I are helping each other understand our own families and histories. We are learning together why my Mom is like this, or her sibling like that. Thankfully, regardless of all this, she and I are covenantally loyal for life.

How blessed a promise we have made that none should come against? My body quaked under trauma and now it refreshes under hesed love. I remember days I shook, unable to sleep and now I slumber with ease.

Maria takes up two thirds of the bed with her looping pregnancy pillow. It was a surprising and extremely useful birthday gift from her sisters. I often remember to pray for Anastasia Zoya before I fade into dreamland.

I’m thankful that the example I am setting with Maria can be passed down. Our daughter will grow up knowing how she should be treated by a man. Maria is perfect in my eyes even as she changes physically and in all ways.

Thank God that the cycle that caused me to suffer from relived memories Now invites me to start something new. A break, not from one family or Any specific person or relationship that has caused me hurt, but rebirth.

Anastasia Zoya means Resurrection Life. This little girl who will be born Knows nothing of my past, the good or the bad, and her future is her own. Rebelling against nothing, let us pass on the good to generations to come!

[danieljohn7341]

Fiery Anger Quenched

Relationships take maintenance, like any good thing. In just my first four weeks of marriage I have learned a few things. Most importantly, there are three things that can destroy a marriage, or any relationship really. 1) Infidelity, 2) Anger, and 3) Forgetting the third important thing.

Anger is really just one of many things that could wreak havoc on people. It is, however, the one that has had the most severe impact on me. I am coming to terms with that. For years, I had thought I was only the victim of pent up rage. After over two years of battling crippling trauma, I have come to terms with my own anger, sadness, and needs. This is not to say that I fully understand how to overcome and process these aspects of myself. I do believe that I have taken the step of acknowledging my emotional and practical needs, and I am bringing the right people near and creating distance where needed at this time.

During my first three weeks of marriage to my beautiful Maria Joy, we had zero squabbles. Our wedding night came close to an argument, but we were both exhausted and made it through with rest and with each other. All I can say is that I am grateful for three good weeks and a fourth solid, down-to-earth, gritty, hard-fought week. I will always fight for and not with MJP. She will be my delight, my second best thought by day or by night. I praise God for her life and I vow as God is my witness that His perfect love will snuff out our fears, quell our anger, and make our peace abound.

[danieljohn7341]

Year Gone By, Jan-Dec 2018

It’s been almost a year since I had posted here on this blog. I have not been doing as much writing or expressing this year. There’s been more private Bible reading and a lot has changed. A year older, a year wiser? I can’t even judge that of myself. One reason why my attention is diverted from writing is engagement. Relationships take a lot of work. I and Maria have both been working. There’ve been many ups and downs. The trajectory seems to be good. The marriage is set for January 5th and ours prayers are for the best. My health is still a roller coaster. Trauma or whatever it is. Roller cars. I’d like to overcome it all and I pray I will. Moment by moment. Sometimes spur of the moment expressions are good. Midnight posts. I hope this one honors the process and my beloved ones. Good night.

[danieljohn7341]

Who Stole the Cookie?

Judgment, accusations, denial, and desire were going to be the focus of this post. They are first four words that come to my mind when I think about this classic elementary school circle game. It seems more fitting for me to write about why these themes are on my mind. I’m a guilt-riddled Christian who struggles to accept God’s grace. Naturally. Truly, though, I want to live a better, care-free, fulfilled life. The only good reason to think about guilt is to overcome it. Thank God for grace. Every day is a new day. Dirty laundry only comes so clean after the wash. Skin will always be speckled with unsightly scars. We can’t help our humanity. We don’t have to apologize for our humanity! Embrace it. Love the skin you’re in. Be grateful for the clothes you have, and give away or repurpose those that don’t fit or that are too worn. As for moral filth and shortcomings, recognize that God’s grace always, with no exception, meets our every need. Down to earth, I think of my own longings and aspirations. I desire that when I look at certain articles of clothing that I would not associate them with people, places, or times that hurt me. I can’t just overhaul and restock my wardrobe every five months. Broken memories would latch onto even the new clothes! I have, however, gotten rid of a few things that I just really don’t want. Giving to good will or to friends is a great way to extend the life of certain possessions. One person’s floor is another’s ceiling. I want to love every inch of my body. Showering, I make sure that I soap myself up well and come away feeling clean. When I have a down day, I want to be able to still feel worthy of propriety. I go to the gym about three times per week. Sometimes I go just to enjoy the shower afterwards. It makes me feel accepted publicly and I go home feeling good about myself. The problem comes in when I look in the mirror with an eye of discontentment. There’s no harm in wanting to improve oneself. What is at the root of that desire? It is not what one puts on, but what comes out of a person that manifests uncleanliness. So, am I happy with myself? You’d better believe I am. When I was in a therapy group recently they had us come up with an affirming adjective for each letter of the alphabet that could describe ourselves. After I was done finding my 26, I helped my neighbor fill out her list as well. Here’s mine: Daniel John Matuch is: Amiable Bright Compassionate Diligent Empathetic Free Gifted Honest Intelligent Jovial Kind Likable Mighty Noticed Open Peaceable Quiet-spirited Righteous Strong Trustworthy Uplifting Virtuous Wise Xenophilic Youthful Zealous You deserve a cookie! What’s good about you? 26 letters. Go!

[danieljohn7341]

Stream of Consciousness 11-19

Permit me this stream of consciousness since I wanted to post one month ago, but was delayed on my journey. Dates are important, but deadlines can be damning. I wanted to do more, reveal more, even now. But what I can give you is a ride down this stream with me. Let it flow, let’s go... One life Two souls Oneness Gives life Heartbeat Heartbeats One flesh Hidden Two lives Attached Birth Pains Child Cries. And cries, and cries, and cries. No words, just sounds, and needs. And needs, and needs, and needs. Life is painfully simple, they think. Even adults get their words mixed up sometimes.

Last year on November 18th, birthday. Last year on November 19th celebration… In that shirt! 20th, birthday. That shirt! Wall. Slump. Clinch. Tears. One month and a half. I am the Lord’s servant. Let it be to me as you have said. Week one, final semester, lights. No camera, minimal action. The beginning of a journey. Yesterday, a dinner with Mr. 20. What shirt? It doesn’t quite matter. The socks are more important, but yesterday they were black. Today, black at first, then royal, and many combinations to make me feel like ME. Thank God for me. I am what I am by the grace of God. Entering into the food parlor. Walls are a good support. He walked forward with ease as I stayed, Walls empathizing well. Where is the bathroom for me to use? Thank God there’s an outlet. No one messaged me, but they could have. There’s life outside these walls. Do you want a table or a booth? I want to walk to one. One or the other, please, Lad, decide. A booth, okay a booth. I made it to the edge and sat down. Triumph; my weight upheld. Don’t fall, just lean, but what’s the difference? Lean is a fall that’s caught.

Cries, and cries, and cries, and cries, and breath. Is this from now or then? I’m breathing now, living now, right now. A breath, and sweet, deep breath.

Eyes closed, I want to eat with him there. Eyes shut, I feel his care. Frozen, fro, zen, fruh, zuh, fro-o-zen. Jolting up, he’s there, Lad. Tears, and tears, and tears, and let’s eat now. Tuna filet sandwich. I like onions, do you? How bout you? I would’ve done without.

No regrets. I am victorious.

Cycle through, come again. I am victorious. I love life. Come what may, life, life, life.

It’s been worse, but who’s to judge these things?

I could write precisely, But life, life, life. Beautiful freedom. Who is to judge these things?

Life life life breath Add an e and make it a verb

Wounder Healer Sounds likes a good recommendation Sounds like me.

[danieljohn7341]

I’ve been singing every morning. I’ve not done much audio editing, so this compilation is rather roughly spliced together. This will just give you a little window into what my mornings are like. Peace and joy to you all!

[danieljohn7341]

An evocation of “home” from my point of view.

[danieljohn7341]

My Return to France, 2017

My return to France reminded me of many people, places, and things for which I am thankful. Most of what I wanted to do took place as planned. This is a longer post to let you read all about it. For pictures, check out my Facebook album. I left the United States our Independence Day and arrived in Paris the next day. I didn't stick around in Paris before meeting up with a driver to carpool to Nantes. That first evening, the 5th, my former Vallet colleague, Jacques prepared a nice spread for us to snack on together and I got an update about his personal goals for the next year. Then, he drove me to my former Clisson colleague, Patricia's house. On the 6th, I drove with Patricia to Cacault middle school. I ran into many colleagues whom I missed including Elisa, Sylvie, Stéphane, and Armelle. School was no longer in session, but the teachers had a couple last days of meetings. I spent the morning at the school and then in the afternoon Hélène, English teacher from Collège Pierre Abélard picked me up at Cacault and we drove to Vallet. I also saw former colleagues there, including Susan, Marie-Hélène, Soizic, and Pascale. That evening at Vallet, the school held a potluck and organized skits to recognize all of the colleagues who would no longer be at the school next year. I got to lighten the mood and say a few words to thank Hélène when it was her turn to be honored. On the 7th, I spent the morning at Collège Cacault. I also wandered over to the Château de Clisson and through the street markets. The first food I bought myself was a cheese galette. After returning to the middle school, later that afternoon I went to a café with former colleague, Delphine who courageously spoke English the whole time we were together. Then, I took the train to Nantes and passed through a garden and a cemetery on my way to dinner. I and several colleagues ate at Cuit Lu Cru, a restaurant owned by our former principal's son and partner. We also continued to chat afterwards at a couple different bars. On the 8th, I woke up early to have breakfast with Patricia before bidding goodbye to my hostess. She drove me close to Nantes and then I took the tram to the airbnb where my American friends, the Peace family, were staying. They had arrived the previous night and were still getting ready for the day. I coordinated plans with them, but then had to leave to have lunch with my friend, Dany. I know him from church. He and I went to the supermarket and he made a nice lunch for me including several homemade items. Dany went with me to the center of the city to meet up with Pierre, a son of my former colleague, Muriel, with whom I spent the night. We also met up with some of my friends from the foyer where I had stayed, as well as the Peace family and two people from the church. After I did a detour by Pierre's apartment, we all went to the Château de Duchesse Anne. We also stopped by Saint Peter Church. The Peaces left to go have dinner with Pr. Bruno and his family and I joined them there later. In the meantime, Dany and I went to the square near the church to listen to a concert where Yann and Patricia joined us. That night, I went to the Nid with the Maria Peace and her siblings, Christy, Sarah, and Johnny. The Nid, translated the "Nest" is a unique bar atop Nantes' Bretagne tower. On the 9th, before going to the church in Nantes that is a sister fellowship to the church I attend in Chicago, I made a quick stop at my old church, La Boissière, where I saw some old friends. Dany and Yann attended church with this Sunday even though we had met at La Boissière. Maria's Dad, John gave the message on how we must become like little children. Afterwards, we had a barbecue at a park. I left from there with Yann. He dropped me off at Le Jardin des Plantes where I met up with my foyer friends, Damien, Émilien, and Fabrice. They saw me off at the train station where I got in a carpool vehicle back to Paris. I arrived late in Paris covered by record amounts of rainfall. Lissa welcomed me with a homemade Korean soup. On the 10th, Lissa and I chatted up a storm under the continued storms. Catching up with her on all subjects and taking a walk to a grocery store was enough to make Monday seem full. On the 11th, I walked Lissa to the train and she flew off to Italy. Telina and I met up for lunch at my go-to French restaurant, Avant Comptoir. We ordered several delightful dishes and chatted. She and I also ordered chocolate banana crêpes and sat together outside. There were trick planes flying overhead in anticipation of Bastille day. She and I walked north to the Louvre and through the Jardin des Tuileries. We bought some macaroons and canelés to bring to Zacharie and Fabiola's house for dinner. Pascale was there, too. I met them all at church through a mutual friend that Telina and I know from Déni Diderot University. Telina and I took an "uber" back to Paris and I said goodbye. On the 12th, I slept in to make sure I was in good form for later. I left home just in time to meet the Peace family at their Paris airbnb and I got there less than an hour after they arrived. Christy called out to me from the window and Maria was there in the street. I stayed a short while before we all left to go to the Eiffel Tower. John, Sarah, Maria, and I climbed the tower and then we met the others with perfect timing after we came back down to the bottom. We ate sandwiches on the Champs de Mars and watched the Tower light up and shimmer. I told the Peaces about my time with Telina and we chatted more. Johnny came back to stay the night with me. I woke up early on the 13th to attend the morning prayer meeting at the church in Paris that is a sister fellowship to the church I attend in Chicago. I biked past my university campuses and hurried home to wake up Johnny. After he and I had some cheese, toast, and coffee for breakfast, we headed out toward Notre Dame. He had us get off a stop late so we could explore the area of Châtelet. We met up with his Mom Maria and sister Christy at Notre Dame. I did an audio tour sharing earbuds with Christy. For lunch, we met up with Gabriel. He is a member of the church whose prayer meeting I attended that morning. I also had the good pleasure of seeing others from the church including Sarah, Timothée, Anne, and Thierry who played the guitar for me. Gabriel, the Peaces, and I ate made to order galettes. He had to pick up his children, but we continued on elsewhere for dessert and wine. Johnny and Christy went back to their airbnb, but their Mom and I went to my favorite spot in Paris, La Sainte Chapelle. After taking in the gorgeous stained glass windows, we too returned to the airbnb. After a dumbbell competition with Christy, Sarah, Maria, and I left by train to go to the Louvre. Maria and I had a seminary classmate named Yang whose sister Yanchen works next to the Louvre, so we met up with her to give her the Chinese English Bible her sister had bought for her. We wandered through Le Jardin des Tuileries and then alongside the souvenir stands lining the Seine River. When we arrived at Place du Concord, I knew I didn't have much time left before dinner with a friend, so I had the four of us get in a bike chariot, which drove us down the Champs Elysées all the way to the Arc de Triomphe. We took a silly picture with our silly selves before I bade my friends farewell. I took the train south of Paris to have dinner with my Nantes foyer friend, Stéphanie. She and I walked to her city square where there was a firework show. While out and about Stéphanie spoke English and I spoke French. Good fun! I took the last train back to Paris, but my night was not done. I walked through the Cité Universitaire campus to visit my friend Charles, a night watchman at the building where I used to live. He gave me a second outfit from his native country, Congo. I set my alarm and went to sleep. On Bastille Day, I woke up and took the airplane home to Chicago. My Mom picked me up from O'Hare. It wasn't until the Monday after Horizon camp that I returned to work and to my new apartment.

[danieljohn7341]

"Post-Seminary Life" "Hello," Irving Park. Feliz cumpleaños, Tamy!

[danieljohn7341]

Post-Seminary Life

Friends, family, coworkers, and others have been inquiring saying, “Congratulations! How do you feel? Now that you have graduated, what’s next?” In my head I ask myself, “how much do they really want to know?” Or, like a mental limbo dance, “how deep do I go?” My rote answer has been either, “Up and down, high and low, you know?” or, “This is a time of transition. I’m trying to sort through my next steps.” Thanks be to God, one of those things has been resolved. I’m a forever Hyde Parker, but I was born a north sider, and I’m back again. I’m in an apartment near Irving Park and Kimball, rooming with two former seminary classmates, Pablo and Gabi. I’m no longer living alone. This, my first evening residing up here and we celebrated the birthday of our downstairs neighbor, Tamy, also a Moody Theological Seminary alum. Her husband Leandro and baby Francesca were also pleasant company. I’m happy to be settled, now off to France. When in France, I’ll be staying with three friends, Patricia, Pierre, and Lissa; they are respectively a former colleague, a former colleague’s son, and my adopted French auntie. I’ll visit both of the schools where I taught English. There will a reunion with friends at Le Nid, a bar atop Nantes’ skyscraper. I’ll see my Chicago friend Maria and her family who have traveled from all over to reunite east of the Atlantic. And, in Paris, I’ll reunite with my first French friends and visit familiar places all the while riding around the city on their the vélib bikes. À bientôt les français.